Oh what a week it has been...

So if you are fiercely dedicated to this blog (and why wouldn't you be? It's basically the best thing on the Internet. ...right?) then you noticed that I didn't post a single thing last week. 

And none of you panicked.

Which I assume means that you all were following my Instagram story very closely and you knew how insanely busy I was at a work conference. 

But you have no idea...

Let me take you through my week of absolute insanity: 

Monday: Woke up at 2am to drive to the airport for my 5:40am flight. Luckily the whole WHO AM I debacle got solved in the nick of time, so I ended up making it through security no problem. 

At 11am, I checked in at my hotel in Memphis and promptly NAPPED MY BUTT OFF. It was glorious.


The Mr reacted appropriately when he found out I met @hankgreen. #wi13

A post shared by Emelie Samuelson (@awkwardlyaliveblog) on

It was amazing. And exhausting. But mostly amazing.

Friday: Flew home. Read three books. Very happy.

Saturday: Back to work at the bookshop all day and then immediately after work I went up the street to the church where The Mr and I run the youth group. Saturday night was, of course, our annual overnight lock-in. We "slept" for maybe 5 hours. Maybe. Once again, things were amazing and exhausting.

Sunday: Up at 7am to make breakfast for 15 teenagers before church - skipped out of church early to head to the bookshop where I was hosting a dinosaur themed birthday party for a dozen toddlers. This is when things REALLY get crazy.

The birthday party was scheduled for 12-2pm. So imagine my surprise when all of the guests show up at 11am. 

Me: Hi!

Birthday boy's grandmother: Hi!

Me:  So... I had noon?

Her:  Oh no. I sent out invitations that said 11-1...

Me: Great!

So... cut to a dozen phone calls to reschedule the pizza delivery and also to get the birthday boy here on time, which was harder than one would think, since his mother wrote down that the party started at 1. 


Did I mention how little I had slept at that point? VERY LITTLE. 

But somehow, it happened. It happened in a blur, but it happened. The pizza showed up at noon instead of 1pm, the birthday boy got there by 11:20, and I went to bed at 3pm and I think I might still be sleeping now as I type this. 

All I know is that it's good to be done with it all and back to blogging with you wonderful people. 

Good night. 

I literally don't know who I am right now.

So, if you're new here, I got married this past June (yay!), but I have been slow on the whole name-change process because, well, time is a lie and I say yes to too many things (not counting the wedding) and stuff. This hasn't really been a big deal. 

Until now. 

I'm travelling on Monday for work and everything got booked under my married name, which at the time of booking wasn't legally my name at all, so I was all "Whoa. Okay, there's the motivation to go to the Social Security Office and the DMV and make this thing official because I have a feeling I can't just show up and be like 'Yeah, I know my I.D. says SAMUELSON, but I married The Mr and so people call me by the name that you have on the ticket. Cool? Cool.'" and then just stroll onto the plane like it's no big deal. 

Apparently security has gotten tighter over the past few years so they might have some questions. 

SO. I was like "no biggie, I'll fix this." and drove to the social security office and I was all "Hey, look at my marriage certificate! GIVE ME A NEW NAME!" and they were all "Okay, sure! We'll mail your new card to you," which I thought was weird because I was there and they were there and I feel like when choosing between handing it to me or mailing me my new Social Security Card, they were picking the less secure option. 

But who am I to judge? 

So I waited until I got the new card and then last week I went to the DMV. It was great - I didn't really have to wait long and I got to take a new picture and the lady was all "Yay for weddings! Go you!" and it was all dandy, until she handed me an 8.5x11 sheet of paper with a scanned copy of my new license on it. 

Me: I don't get the real one?

Her: We'll mail it to you. 

Me:  Oh... So I just use this very skeptical looking ID now? 

Her: Yup! 

And then she sort of gave me a "why are you still standing here?" look and because I'm weird and have very little authority in life, I crumbled into dust and blew away. 


I still haven't received the new ID and I leave on Monday.  

And then I looked at my photocopied fake looking ID and read that THIS IS NOT VALID UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY YOUR EXPIRED OR CANCELLED ID. 


So I called Southwest Airlines and I was all "Okay, here's the situation..." 

And now I will be heading to the airport at 3am on Monday morning for a 5:40 flight with my temporary photocopied ID, my passport with the maiden name, a copy of BOTH OF MY SOCIAL SECURITY CARDS (one with old name and one with new name) and my marriage license and I feel like I should also throw in my last two pay stubs and a note from my mom? 

So basically, watch my Instastory on Monday, because I cannot imagine this will go smoothly. 


My ID arrived in the mail today! Which is fantastically good news, but I’m still sure I’ll manage to screw something up. I mean, my flight is at 5:40am. How on earth does anyone expect me to function properly at 5:40am? I don’t even function properly at 5:40pm... 

Yup. I'm doomed. I knew it.

So I just got done writing a blog post about how I'm not paranoid, I'm just anxious and weird and constantly in fear of things going wrong. 

And it was funny.

It included both of these gifs: 

And then guess what happened: EVERYTHING WENT WRONG AND I LOST THE BLOG POST. 

So... basically I'm never leaving hte house again because surely all of my fears are real and valid now. 

Mama's got a brand new blog.

Oh hello there! Notice anything... different? 


The Mr and I have been hard at work over the past few weeks trying to revamp this baby, and I am so happy with how it turned out. We decided to move to Squarespace for a few different reasons, and man, oh man... LOOK HOW PRETTY IT IS. 

The Awkward Ambassadors have really made this possible. With a little bit of money coming in toward this blog now, investing in it (more than emotionally) has been at the front of my mind, so I asked The Mr if he would use his digital skills to help make this happen and BOOM: We have a fresh new look. 

So what do you think? Take a poke around and see what's different. Tell me what you like and what you don't like. I'd love to get your feedback! 


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Let's talk about goals, baby. Let's talk about you and me.

Happy New Year, friends! I know today is just another day and that nothing is really all that different from yesterday, but it's hard not to get swept up in the optimism of a new year, isn't it? Twice a year (January 1st and my birthday), I am reminded to check back in with myself and see how I'm doing goal-wise. Am I where I want to be? Am I going where I want to go? What about my life needs tweaking?

This morning, The Mr and I sat down and we talked about what we'd like to make a point of changing. What are our financial goals, our geographical goals, our lifestyle goals, are we ever going to own a bouncy castle and do we even want one anymore (obviously the answer was yes). I made writing goals and reading goals and, of course, blogging goals.

I want to grow this audience and take myself and this blog even more seriously this year. Whoa. That sounded grown up. Are you uncomfortable? I'm uncomfortable.


I'm not saying that I'm about to start throwing my philosophies at you all the time or that I'm going to stop being a complete fool: that is never an option.

All I'm saying is that I really want to see where we can take this thing.

The whole point of this blog is to share all of my embarrassing stories and ridiculousness not just to make you laugh, but to also help maybe a handful of people out there realize that they are not alone. We are all idiots, and as long as no one is getting hurt, that's not a bad thing. Our foolishness is what makes us learn, it's what ensures that we are still curious and full of wonder. It keeps us human. It keeps us all awkwardly alive and pleasantly peculiar.

So here's to a brand new year. I hope you'll join me in my adventure to keep the awkwardness alive. I encourage you to comment more on posts and share them with your friends - not just because it helps this blog (of course it does), but because I want to get to know you and your loved ones better. And because I can't do this without you.

Let's make 2018 the most awkwardly wonderful year yet.

This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Strep is the best, right?

If you've been following my instagram story then you already know that I'm stuck in bed because I have strep throat. It's a bit of a bummer, but I also get to catch up on lots of books and tv shows that I haven't had time to read, so silver linings. BUT

Today is Friday and after a blogging break for Christmas, I was really looking forward to writing something funny for you all today.

So here I am.

Hopped up on meds with a mouthful of saltines.

I had planned to a whole "reflect on 2017" thing, but all my brain can handle right now is "I'm dying," so I thought I would share my top tips for being sick because after 24 hours, I feel like a pro:

  1. Marry a person who makes good soup.
  2. Acquire two huskies. They are necessary for the snuggles and I've learned that they never leave your side when you're not feeling well. They'll either lay on the bed together, both touching you, or they'll work in shifts.
  3. You're going to be told to drink a lot of fluids, which will then lead to you needing to pee a lot. This will be frustrating due to the fact that you're weak and in pain everywhere. I recommend building a bathroom right next to your bed.
  4. You will have a dream that you've wet the bed and then you'll wake up and everything will feel wet and you'll be all "OH MY GOD I WET THE BED." Don't panic. It's just your fever breaking again, which has caused you to sweat a ridiculous and slightly alarming amount.
  5. Speaking of the sweat thing... wear clothes that are easy to take on and off. Now is not the time for leggings that cling to your body every time you try and remove them. Now is the time for your husband's giant, grey sweatpants and that one giant, grey sweatshirt. Embrace the look of an elephant and run with it. Metaphorically. Running right now (and always) is a very bad idea.
  6. Watch and read things that make you happy. My personal favorites this time around are Planet Earth and Parks & Rec for shows and Harry Potter for books.
  7. Depending on the timing, you might be missing out on celebrating Christmas a week late with your husband's family. This is the first Christmas since your wedding, making it the first Christmas since you started using their last name and you're missing it. Take this time to be thankful for FaceTime, but it's also okay to cry a little.
  8. Netflix is going to judge you a lot and will ask you multiple times if "you're still watching." Take this opportunity to start drafting a letter to the powers that be about "sick mode."
  9. Your ability to finish sentences will
  10. Zzzzzzzz......

And that's about it. What about you? How do you like to spend your time when you're sick?

This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

It's a Christmas Miracle! ...of sorts.

This morning The Mr woke me up by tossing a cardboard box onto my body. I know what you're thinking: Romance has never felt more alive.

But it was actually exciting because it was my StitchFix subscription (not an ad). A box full of cute clothes so that I can trick people into thinking I have it all together and I'm not a slob who wears the same thing every day.... although, why is that a bad thing? If I have a cool piece of clothing, why am I not hip for wearing it multiple times? Doesn't that just mean that I'm good at taking care of my clothes and responsible with my money and also kinder to the environment because I'm not buying as much stuff all the time? WHY ARE OUR SOCIAL NORMS SO WEIRD?!

Ahem. I digress.

Because while it was all "yay! Clothes!" The Mr was walking around looking all weird-like.




The Mr: Yeah, you look great, but...

Me: ....but what?



The Mr: Doesn't it strike you as odd that that box arrived... this morning?

Me: Not really, I mean, they emailed me a few days ago and were like "hey, friend, fun clothes are on their way to you, so yay!" and it seemed legit.

The Mr: Yeah, but... we went to bed at 11 last night... and the box was there this morning.

Me: Yeah... wait... I think I'm with you now.

The Mr: Yeah...

Me: So... you took the dog out before we went to bed at 11pm?

The Mr: Yeah.

Me: And there was no box on the doorstep then?

The Mr: No.

Me: And then when you got up at 7, the box was there?

The Mr: Yes.




The Mr:



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While I Have Your Attention, Overlords....

So earlier this morning, I was working on a new financial breakdown for the blog. It was very exciting, as I'm sure you can imagine. I'm pretty bad at marketing my own blog, compared to other people. Most of that is a time issue. I work full time and I do all of the social media for my day job, so when I get home, marketing my own stuff falls pretty far down on my list of to-dos after taking care of the dogs, attempting to cook dinner, doing laundry, and spending time with The Mr.

But now that I'm making a little bit of money via patreon, I've been thinking about making a bigger investment in this good ol' bloggy thing that I do.

I was discussing it with The Mr this morning:

Me: So I was thinking that 10% of everything I earn will continue to go toward a charity of the Awkward Ambassador's choosing and 10% would go towards advertising, like boosting posts on Facebook or whatnot, and then the rest of the money will go towards covering the other expenses like the domain fee and the web hosting fee and all that.

The Mr: That makes sense.

Overall, a pretty standard, boring, run of the mill conversation.

Until I looked down at my phone five minutes later and saw this email:

So... it's official. My new iPhone is listening to everything and Facebook is on the other end of the line, which is disturbing, but also I'm pretty sure there is nothing I can do about it, so I'm thinking that maybe I should just take advantage of this opportunity, right? I mean, why not turn a weird thing into a great thing?

So, Facebook, while you're listening...

  • If you know me so well, why are you always showing me weird pictures of myself right off the bat from like seven years ago? I don't need to see that awkward time in my life. It's a rude awakening in the morning. I don't need to be confronted with the fashion of the early 2000s.
  • Please create a no baby filter so that I can eliminate the endless stream of babies in my feed. Except my sister's  baby. He's great.
  • If you're going to show me everyone's political posts, please attach a picture or video of a cute puppy to make up for it.
  • In fact, please attach more pictures or videos of cute puppies to most things that you do. It would greatly improve the user experience.
  • If you run out of puppy pictures, pictures of otters will suffice.
  • Every time someone writes a mean comment, can you just reword to say "I love you and you look nice today?" I feel like that would solve a lot of problems. Until people find out about it... then they might start getting offended by compliments and things will get all sorts of screwy.
  • Maybe stop eavesdropping on my conversations? It's making you seem a little... desperate? No... evil? No... creepy? Yeah. Creepy.

In other fun news with social media... This Sunday is the last #SundaySupdates episode of the year and it's public for all, BUT -- we're switching things up and doing it on Instagram Live instead of YouTube! Sunday at 8pm join me on Instagram Live and watch me cook something Christmasy and answer your fun questions! If you need quick and cheap gift ideas, I'll help you with ideas! If you just want to say hi, I'll say hi back! The important thing is that you show up, because the party is so much more fun when your guests actually arrive! See you then!

This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Congratulations: You Make Me Sick.

Something strange is happening to me... I woke up this morning with a knot in my stomach. A metaphorical one, obviously. I didn't swallow one the of the dog's rope toys or anything, don't worry. It was more a general feeling of dread, doom, and overall anxiety.

And I didn't know why.

Normally when I wake up like this it's one of four reasons:

  1. I've done something terrible to someone, i.e. I ate all of The Mr's cookies or I forgot a birthday or  I remembered a birthday and then got that person a flock of opossums and I am only just now realizing how bad of an idea that was because my mother hates rodents.
  2. Someone has done something terrible to me, i.e. Someone stole all of my opossums.
  3. Something terrible has happened in general: Hello, 2017.
  4. My psychic powers have finally kicked in and something terrible is about to happen. This one is weirdly exciting and terrifying all at once.

But nothing out of the ordinary had happened this morning. (Except maybe option 4?) I don't even have a flock of opossums, so theoretically, they were all accounted for. The Mr was fine. I was fine. Everyone I knew was fine.

And that's when it dawned on me: I hadn't written in two weeks. Barely a word. I haven't even journaled.

I've never been one of those people who needs to write in order to live fully or whatever. At least, I didn't think I was, but maybe I am. All that I know is that I'm in a writing rut lately. Maybe it's because it's the height of the holiday shopping season and I work retail as my full-time day job and I'm coming home exhausted.

Actually yeah, that's probably it. I'm tired and it's the holidays and I spend a lot of time telling people what to buy for distant relatives they barely know and trying to explain that books are not for boys or girls because they are not operated by our genitals and if that's how you're reading then you're doing it wrong, but you're also really talented and I have A LOT of questions.

Either way, this isn't really a real blog post and I don't know where this is going, but I'm tired and I miss you, dear readers, so I just wanted to say hello and that I'm here and apparently not writing to you all makes my stomach turn.

I hope you're flattered.

This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Maybe it's not me, after all... maybe it's just my face!

The Mr and I spent Thanksgiving weekend at my brother's place and for some reason, we got to talking about our family's faces. Like we all do. Me: Sister 1 has that perfect mom glare, though... it's terrifying.

Brother: Yeah, but Sister 2 has the definition of a Resting Bitch Face.

Me: That is so true.

Brother: You, on the other hand, have Resting I'm-a-Freaking-Psycho Face. 

And while I'd never heard it put that way before, I knew right away that, well... he's not wrong. In fact, he's spot on. As always.

I've been told that I look frightening when I'm crocheting, which is the thing I find most relaxing. When I write: same thing. The Mr has stopped asking if I'm okay, but the children at church regard me with intrigued caution.

Wait... is this why I'm not allowed to use the sharp knives in the kitchen? Is this why everyone thinks I'm crazy? Is it just my face that has been leading to some strange self-fulfilling prophecy?! COULD I HAVE BEEN NORMAL IF MY FACE WAS DIFFERENT THIS WHOLE TIME?

And to think that people say looks don't matter...

P.S. I realize that this theory makes it sound like I think that Sister 2 is a bitch. She is not. She's actually the kindest person on earth. It's infuriating. This, of course, totally blows my theory to smithereens... but what do I care? I'M CRAZY.

Time for some business:



An essay I wrote was published on The Feminine Collective this week, and I'm stupidly proud of it. You can go read it here and then share it with all of your friends because not only do you maybe like what I do, but more people need to know about this amazing online magazine.

If you've already read it, thank you so much! I've been getting so many wonderful messages and you all just make my hearts sing.

This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.