CIRQUE DU EMELIE

I hate exercising.

And before you head straight down to the comments section to tell me how amazing that runner’s high is or how much you love your crossfit community, just wait, and hear me out. I’ve tried a lot of it.

Running? I gave it a real good go, and you know what? Not once did I ever get high. All I got was short of breath and cramps in my ribs.

Joining a gym? All I got was social anxiety and more debt. I will say, though, that the smoothies were delicious and I do miss the Get Girly, a delicious smoothie meant to help with hair and nail growth because those are things that men absolutely do not and should not want. Healthy hair is for LADIES ONLY, and totally worth the $149 a month that got me full access to equipment I didn’t know how to use and locker rooms that made me deeply uncomfortable. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, I still had to pay extra for those smoothies… Rude.

Yoga? Okay, I actually do love yoga. It’s pretty great.

In fact, while I hate working out, I weirdly love being active. I hike a lot, and I paddle board, but those are more activities that happen to also benefit my health and fitness… and i think that’s the key: I’m only going to work out if it’s fun and if the benefits exceed “getting swol.”

Which is why my latest new adventure is perfect:

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That’s right: I’M TAKING A CIRCUS CLASS.

More specifically, I enrolled in an Adult Intro to Aerial Silks and Static Trapeze class, which means I spend a lot of time upside down and shouting “I AM A GRACEFUL WARRIOR” when I’m feeling particularly awkward.

The class is every Thursday night and there are five of us taking it, which is kind of the perfect number, I think. It’s small enough that we can all get to know and support each other, but just big enough to not feel like I’m forced to become best friends with anyone.

So far I’ve learned how to sit, stand up, roll over, (and give paw, and lay down…), and other cool moves like “the archer” or “treefrog,” which is pictured above.

I’ve also learned that I’m kind of built like a T-Rex. My legs are strong AF apparently, but my arms? Not so much. There’s this one move where you get on the silks and the push them outward with both your legs and your arms so you’re kind of in a starfish position in the air. When I attempted this, my legs shot out with no issue. My arms, however? They stayed pinned against my sides and just sort of… trembled.

So, I guess if you ever need anyone to kick down a door, I’m your lady, but if you need me to lift you out of a well or something, you’re kind of SOL, but also I don’t know why you decided to jump into a well in the first place. I mean, wells are notoriously terrible places to explore. Several television moments have been dedicated to this fact, so maybe you should stop blaming me for being weak and you should really be doing some serious re-evaluation of your life and your choices.

But I digress.

Where was I? Oh right, the trapeze. This is an exercise I can get on board with. It’s basically like being on a playground again, but without any bullies or those terrible woodchips that were essentially just thousands of splinters threatening you while you were on the monkey bars, and I love it. All five of my classmates and our teacher have already proven to be awesome, and if that wasn’t great enough, I’m one step closer to fulfilling my destiny as a circus weirdo I’m meant to be.

Assuming I can get my arms to function.


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