Humphrey.

So I was sitting in my living room, drinking my coffee and reading the paper the other morning when all of a sudden I heard a big BANG and a CRASH above my head. Humphrey was rearranging.

Humphrey is my mysterious upstairs tenant. I don't know what he is, but he lives in my attic and I have never seen him. He is definitely bigger than a mouse, but smaller than The Hulk.

Every now and again I hear him doing things up there and I think "I should go up there and investigate to figure out what he is," but then I open my attic door and I start going up the stairs and suddenly everything gets very quiet  and all these images of a rabid opossum lunging at my face start going through my head so I turn around and go back downstairs, leaving Humphrey to live in peace. Let's be honest here, people: Is there anything creepier than an opossum's face coming at you from the dark?

I've decided that Humphrey is one of the following:

  1. A squirrel. He definitely runs around a lot and when he knocked over whatever he knocked over the other day, he ran laps around the attic for about half an hour in a panic. Also, I live out in the woods, so squirrels are in good supply around here. It's the most logical answer if you're into that sort of thing. He could also be a raccoon. Both of these options are adorable.
  2. A boggart. Humphrey never sounds like he's just one size. Some days he sounds little, and on those days, Humphrey tends to hang out in the walls. Other days I can hear each individual footstep as he walks around the space above my bedroom. Either way, I'm sort of pissed that I still don't have a wand because when it comes to boggarts, you really need a wand. Add this to list of reasons I need to go to Harry Potter World.
  3. The Weasley Family Ghoul's Cousin. Obviously I'm not silly enough to think that The Weasley Family Ghoul moved from the Burrow to come live in my attic. That would be a ridiculous assumption. Maybe he has a cousin who did, though, right? I mean, this would make sense. Just like the Weasleys, I don't think of Humphrey as a pest, but more as a pet at this point. I call up to him when he's being to loud, or when things fall over, I shout "Are you okay, Humphrey?" and then he moves around a bit as if to be like "Yeah, I'm good, thanks!" Humphrey and I have excellent communication skills.

Whatever Humphrey may be, I have come to love him and the idea of him leaving my house feels very sad. Also, I'm sort of too terrified of him to try and kick him out. See photo above.