May I Please Take a Bath in Your Home?

So last week I was all “HOORAY I HAVE A DISEASE!” and ever since then I have been making all sorts of changes to my lifestyle while I patiently await my appointment with a rheumatologist. Only 2 weeks, 6 days, and 23 hours!

CHANGE #1: DIET

I’ve been a vegetarian for about 10 years now. I’ve always continued to eat eggs and dairy because cheese, but generally my rule has been that as long as nothing died or was harmed for me to eat it, I’m good. But as I’ve done more research about this diagnosis (and anything similar to it), the major thing I’ve realized is that I need to up my Omega-3 intake. So… I’m eating salmon and most fish again. On the one hand I’m sad because I try and not be responsible for the death of any animals, but other hand it is delicious and my body should be a lot less angry with me than it was before, so… sorry, my fishy friends.

I’ve also been making turmeric smoothies a lot. They’re an acquired taste, but one that I’m definitely getting used to.

CHANGE #2: OILS

I’ve always really liked the idea of essential oils and aromatherapy, but now I have a full on oil-obsession. I actually just bought a book all about the many different uses of essential oils, and this baby is a mother-effing tome.

 Shown here with a normal-sized book for scale.

Shown here with a normal-sized book for scale.

When I first opened it to the “inflammation” section it immediately started talking about testicles, which really freaked me out, but then I noticed that I was in the “for men’s health” section and I was less scared, but also fascinated? I told The Mr that this book could really come in handy for all sorts of things and then he was all “thanks, but I don’t really have that problem, though?” to which I said “YET!” and then he just got up and left the room while looking at me with a mixture of fear and concern. I don’t know what his problem is. They always say that you need to find ways to keep marriage interesting and so far I think I’m doing a fantastic job.

Where was I? Oh right! Oils! I finally got to the section about arthritis and the book was all “you need to take detox baths every day for six weeks with all of these oils and then massage your body with all of these other oils when you’re done!” which is a problem because we don’t have a bath.

That’s not true, we do have a bath, but it’s not a nice bath. We have one of those bath tub/shower combos and the bath portion is kind of small, and our house and plumbing is really old so the water never stays hot enough to actually fill a bath with hot water, so then if I do try to take a bath I just end up uncomfortably sitting in tepid water. It’s not ideal.

So I’m on a mission… to find a bath. Is it weird to ask someone if I can come to their house every day for six weeks and bathe? Would I have to pay them? Would I have to stay for dinner? I mean, they wouldn’t need to be there, right? If I could just get someone to give me their house key and then let me come and take a bath and leave…. or would that be creepy? I guess it would be creepy on both ends because who asks if they can bathe in your home, right? MORE IMPORTANTLY, though, is WHO LETS PEOPLE BATHE IN THEIR HOME LIKE THAT?

It just seems like maybe I’m not the weirdest one in this scenario, which also feels weird because I’m generally always the weird one in any scenario. Like right now I’m pretty sure you’re reading this and thinking “What the actual heck, Emelie… YOU CANNOT DO THIS,” but you’re also probably like “She makes a good point. Anyone who lets her just show up and bathe and leave is a real weirdo,” right?

It’s a real catch-22 I’ve found myself in, friends. A real catch-22… but let me just say this. When I searched for bath gifs, I found this one:

And I really want to be that monkey.