WARNING: I'm about to reveal a plot twist from the latest New Girl episode so.... SPOILER ALERT and all that.
The Mr and I were watching New Girl the other night and a moment occurred when Nick was all “Jess, I love that you never keep secrets,” and then Jess was all “I KILLED THE CAT.”
It was hilarious and delightful as New Girl always is.
And then, because I’m stable, I decided to insert this into our actual lives:
Me: Do you keep secrets?
The Mr: …no.
Me: Me neither.
The Mr: I know.
Me: What do you mean “you know?” I could have secrets.
The Mr: No, you couldn’t.
The Mr: Fine… Do you have secrets?
Me: …no…. I sometimes tell myself that I’m not going to tell you something and then as soon as I see you I can’t contain myself and I’m all “OH MY GOODNESS I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS THING,” which is why I’ll never be able to have an affair.
The Mr: What?
Me: It’s true. I couldn’t do it even if I tried. I would see you and be like “I met the nicest guy today!” and then the whole jig would be up before it even started.
But, friends... I have a confession.
In that moment that The Mr was all “you don’t have secrets” I was contemplating a haircut, and so just to have some fun, I decided to challenge myself and not tell him.
I live in a small town with not a lot to do.
Anyway, I texted the girl who cuts my hair. Earlier that day, she had tagged me in a photo on Instagram and said that she wanted to style my hair that way next time I got it cut. For the sake of this post, we’ll say her name is Susan… and we’ll say that the friend who I grab breakfast with every Friday morning is also named Susan, because in real life the girl who cuts my hair and my friend do have the same name. This is important, I promise.
Me: LET’S DO IT.
Her: Yay! How does Friday sound?
The Mr: Who are you talking to?
The Mr: Oh, are you getting breakfast with her on Friday?
Me:… yes. [NOT A LIE. TECHNICALLY.]
This is where things get masterful on my part.
I had already made plans to meet another friend (we’ll call him Steve) for a writing session on Friday. Steve just so happens to live in the same town as my salon.
Me: I’m going to be gone for most of the day on Friday.
The Mr: Okay. Anything fun?
Me: I’m getting breakfast with Susan and then I have my chiropractor appointment at noon and then I’m heading Southbury and Steve and I are going to get some writing done.
SEE? I AM A MASTER AT SECRETS. They always say that the best secrets are the ones you don’t tell, right? Wait… no that’s lies. AND I WASN’T LYING. I WAS WINNING. The Mr thought he knew me so well…
The sad part is that I have been getting such a thrill out of this. I even wore big sunglasses today – sure, for eye protection, but also just for the general badass feeling they gave me.
I’ll have to be careful, though. I hear that it can be slippery slope. One day it’s haircuts… then, a few months from now when the thrill has worn off from sneaky salon visits, it’ll be a new tattoo…. And then BAM: A guy named Julio.
I don’t want to go down that road! I can’t be that girl! The guilt of the potential torrid affair with Julio is already too much! How will I ever live with myself? Julio will never love me like The Mr does! THE THRILL ISN’T WORTH IT!
You know, I’m not going to wait until I get home. I’m just going to go FaceTime The Mr right now and get this confession over with…
The Mr: Hello?
P.S. Thanks to everyone who applied to be a beta reader (see previous post)! I'm reviewing applications and will be in touch with those of you I've selected by Monday!