I'm Living with a Poop Ninja.

I just got home from work and I am so tired I can hardly move, not because it was a tiring day at work, but because I barely got any sleep last night. Because somebody won't stop pooping on the carpet.

We're not sure what the real problem is. Last night was definitely abnormal in that she was clearly not feeling well and woke us up with stink bombs every hour or so. Is she sick? Is she stressed? Is this just part of her rebellious stage?!?

The thing with Aloy is that she's really smart, but she's also a freaking ninja when it comes to anything bathroom-related. Throughout the day, she'll chat at you and bark at her toys or at Gio, but when it comes to going to the bathroom, all she does is quietly walk over to the staircase that leads outside, stare down it briefly, and then walk away, presumably assuming that we just can't be bothered to respond. EXCEPT SOMETIMES WE AREN'T IN THE ROOM SO WE NEVER SEE THE SIGNS.

We've bought the bells and now every time we take her out, we ring the bells. She still just stands there.

So we're at a weird loss and I'm kind of hoping that patience will win out here, but also what if our life is just filled with poop forever? Whatever poor NSA agent that is forced to read my google history is just like "my god, woman, why do you keep googling stuff about dog poop?" But then again, maybe this agent is also having dog poop problems and I'm helping her while also helping myself, so... it's a win/win? Or a lose/lose? Seeing as how we're both having to research the causes of dog poop, I'm pretty sure it's the latter, but who knows? Maybe this is how I end up meeting an NSA agent and then I'll be hired to be a secret agent who fights crimes! Against dog poop! Wow. This really took a turn, didn't it? Did I mention I was tired? Where am I?

Oh, right. Aloy keeps ninja-pooping and it's terrible. But I do recognize that it's also kind of hilarious when it's not happening to you. For example, while I was at work today, I received a text from The Mr, who had closed Aloy in his office with him so that he could keep an eye on her:

Him

Me: Oh no. What happened?

Him: <photo of dog poop on his office floor that I will spare you from looking at, my dear readers>

Me: :( ...but it looks solid, so... yay!

Him: I was giving a presentation to a client.

Him: and she just ninja-pooped halfway through it.

Him: So I had to sit in my office for 30 more minutes just smelling her poop.

Me: 

via GIPHY

I'm a good wife.

So now I'm spending the rest of my evening reading up on what to do when your housetrained dog just decides to throw everything she's learned out the window.

But at least I'm doing my part for the country by helping out a government employee along the way.


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Fred Flinstone Is Missing and Now My Dog is Possessed.

The other night, we received our PupJoy box, full of goodies for the dogs, and one of the toys was this GIANT rubber squeaky bone covered in cloth that kind of looked like it was stolen from Fred Flinstone's closet?

 

Yes. The fabric looked exactly like his... dress? That's a dress, right? Fred Flinstone: Man of Confidence. Wait... was Fred Flinstone poached to make my dog's toy?!?! WHAT ABOUT BAM-BAM?!?!

I can't think about this right now. THIS WAS NOT THE POINT OF THIS STORY WHEN I STARTED.

Let's focus, people.

So my dogs got this giant, rubber, squeaky toy and Aloy was in love with it right away. So she was all "IMMA SQUEAK THIS THING SO MUCH." And then she did for like 45 minutes before she got distracted and then Gio was like "I shall skin it."

 

And so he did that and then when Aloy came back she was all "WAIT, MY TOY HAS CHANGED THERE IS A NEW PART THAT I DIDN'T SEE BEFORE."

And then she proceeded to INGEST HALF OF THE RUBBER BONE WITHIN THE FLINSTONE SKIN.

Of course, The Mr and I didn't notice that she was actually EATING the rubber until half of it was gone and we were like "Well, crap. Now what?"

And basically the only answer to that is to just... wait it out.

 

So fast-forward to 4am. I woke up to what I thought was The Mr screaming. And so I said "What's wrong, why are you screaming?" and he was like "I'm not. THAT WAS ALOY."

Our dog SCREAMED LIKE A HUMAN. And not like a blood-curtling shriek. She just screamed like "AHH"

 

It was like she was possessed by some weird Rubber Ghost.

But then she puked up a bunch of rubber and everything was fine.

 

Okay, now let's get back to the important thing. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME ANY OF US SAW THE FLINSTONES ALIVE?


And now, for some business:

 

I'll be performing at this open mic night on Saturday Night with some really amazing people. All proceeds go to the Loaves and Fishes Soup Kitchen in New Milford, CT. If you're able to make it, please do! I'm reading one of my most awkward pieces I've ever written, and everyone else will be reading really incredible stuff, so it should be a good time for us all.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.


Last night was the October Public #SundaySupdates. "What is #SundaySupdates?" #SundaySupdates is a show on which I answer your questions while preparing supper on a Sunday. On the last Sunday of every month, #SundaySupdates is public! Yay! All other episodes will only be available to the Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. To become an Awkward Ambassador, click here: https://www.patreon.com/awkwardlyalive

Check out last night's episode here and then go sign up on Patreon to join in the fun every week! It only almost always starts and ends in disaster.

 

"SCATTER!" -My Brain.

My Bestbian is on her way to visit me from Boston RIGHT NOW and I am beyond excited because I haven't seen her since my wedding day (which was sadly the day I married someone other than her. Damn you, sexuality!)

We have MUCH catching up to do, so forgive me if this post is a little frazzled. Afterall, she now has to get to know me as a married lady and not her awesome, super hot single friend.

Just kidding. I've always been a married lady - I just only got the spouse recently.

Anyway, The Mr is yelling at me without using his words right now because the house needs to be cleaned just a little bit more before Bestbian arrives. I realize that sounds confusing, but it is possible to yell without actually using any sounds from your body. Basically, he's just walking around cleaning, but he's doing it really loudly, and history has taught me that this means "PLEASE GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND HELP ME PREPARE FOR YOUR FRIEND."

Or maybe he's just really passionate about cleaning?

Anyway, I should probably go... but to make up for this very scattered blog post, I'll be doing a live Q&A on Sunday night at 8pmEST for public #SundaySupdates! You should totally join me.

Also, here's a cute picture of my puppy who is definitely not this small anymore and is definitely trying to steal a sip of my vodka tonic as I write this. YOU'RE TOO YOUNG, ALOY.


#SundaySupdates, a live Q&A I do WHILST COOKING, is live and public this Sunday at 8pm! Most Sundays it’s just for the Patreon people, but the last Sunday of every month, I open it up to ALL OF YOU! Can’t make it? Post a question in the comments or on Twitter using the hashtag #SundaySupdates and I’ll answer it during the livestream!


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Super cute and then SUPER NOT CUTE.

Okay, so first of all, if you follow me on any social media channel, you know that the cutest thing in the world happened and her name is Aloy (yes, like Horizon Zero Dawn) and JUST LOOK AT HER.  

Yeah. I know. She's just the best. She's three months old and we adopted her on Monday night and so far things are going well. A lot of you have been asking how Gio is adjusting and he's just being the best big brother. For example:

But, to be honest, I have other news to share, which I did not expect to be the case. I was all "Friday's blog post is just going to be the cutest ever," and then the least adorable thing that could have possibly happened, well, happened:

 

 

So.... that.... ugh, let me just start at the beginning.

Yesterday we discovered a snake skin in our living room.

A freaking snake skin was sitting between our air purifier and the wall, right near the radiator. You know, WHERE THERE SHOULD NEVER BE A SNAKE SKIN.

And this means that not only was there a snake in my living room at some point, but it was alive. And growing. Because, as I realized via googling "WHAT DO I DO WHEN I FIND A SNAKE SKIN IN MY LIVING ROOM," the only reason a snake sheds its skin is that the skin is officially too small for the snake's body.

There are about 19 different things about all of this that I find alarming.

The good news (if I have to pick some good news out of this?) is that we're fairly confident that due to the scale pattern on the tail, this is the shed skin of a non-venomous snake... so I suppose that's comforting. Then again, we're not exactly experts and this little bit of information doesn't get rid of the fact that a snake was sneaking through our living room in recent history.

The Mr. is being disturbingly calm about this whole situation, by the way. Like... he found the snake skin while I was at work, left it there, and then randomly that evening he just casually told me to go look behind the air purifier. Then he went back to whatever he was doing while I curled up into a ball of panic for the rest of the evening, just waiting to start hearing voices in the walls, telling me to "kill.... kill..."

Perhaps I should count my blessings, though, because I was just thinking to myself that nothing strange ever happens to me anymore.

Thanks, Universe. You always come through.


In other news, the very first (and only public) episode of Sunday Supdates is going up this weekend and I am so excited about it, so make sure you come back here Sunday night to watch! If you have no idea what I'm talking about, click here.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here