My Morning Routine is Starting to Get a Little Weird.

So. Apparently this is a terrifying object:20140306-103312.jpg  

Why would I think that? Because this is literally the face I see every morning when the fridge starts to hum:

20140306-103317.jpg

 

It starts off innocently enough. I wake up, zombie walk my way over towards the coffee maker, get that all figured out, and then while that's brewing, I feed Gio.

Gio starts eating his food and is all "NOM, NOM, NOM, BREAKFAST IS GREAT, NOM, NOM, NO-"

And then the slight "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm......." of the fridge, which is about 2 feet away from Gio's food bowl, starts up.

PANIC ENSUES.

Gio: Stare.

Fridge: Mmmmmm........

Gio: Make eyes bigger. Stare harder.

Fridge: I'm just a fridge. Doing fridge stuff...

Gio: MOM!!!

And that's when he runs out of the room and hides around the corner.

That's when I walk over to the fridge and hug it, while looking at Gio and saying "Gio, it's okay! Fridge nice! Fridge friend! Look how yay the fridge is! Yay, fridge!"

And then Gio is like "Oh thank God the fridge is not attacking Mom. If Mom trusts fridge, I trust fridge."

And then we both eat our breakfast in peace.

Until the next morning when Gio apparently forgets all trust he had for the fridge.

Surprisingly enough, Gio is totally cool with the coffee grinder.

***

In other news, there's a new book review up! Check it out and share it all that good stuff! Thanks!

Blame It On the Cha-a-a-a-a-amomile

A conversation between my sister and I: Me: I've been having a really hard time falling asleep lately, so I started drinking chamomile tea.

Sister: That's a good idea.

Me: Yeah, and it's helping, BUT it's giving me really weird dreams.

Sister: Really?

Me: Yeah. Like... I had this dream the other night where I was in some sort of a desert camp thingy and I had to complete all these challenges and obstacles in order to be let out. All of a sudden a pack of red-eyed jackally things started chasing me, I remember that very clearly... and then I remember that our brother-in-law was supposed to be the guy that would pick me up when I got to the finish and get me out of there, and we were communicating through an earpiece like spies!

Sister: ...uh-huh...

Me: And so I was all "HELP! JACKALS ARE CHASING ME!" and he was all "YOU CAN DO THIS!"

Sister: ....

Me: And then I got to this one room and there was a huge river running through it and that's where I saw the other contestants and there were people on the other side and they were all "You have to make the bridge appear!" and I was all "I DON'T KNOW HOW!" But then I started figuring out that you had to whistle to the bridge at the right frequency and it would appear. Very Zelda.

Sister: What?

Me: And that's all I remember. The point is that chamomile is really fracking with my brain.

Sister: To be fair, you're a pretty weird person anyway... it's possible the the chamomile is just helping you sleep soundly... and that's why you're remembering all the weird dreams suddenly.

Me: ...

....

......

...........

You make a fair point.

***

In other news, I've mentioned before that when I'm not writing about my weirdness, I sell books in an independent bookshop. Books are kinda my thing. So, my other bookselling buddy and I have decided to invade the Internet with our bookishness by starting a book review vlog titled "Page Break" and it's going to be super awesome. Here is our introduction video:

So for all you book-loving nerds out there, find us on Facebook, Twitter, and Riffle Books! Our first review will be up on Thursday, February 20th!

Thanks for your support, Duckies!

And Then I Tried To Read Book Porn For You All - A Review of "Ricochet" by Xanthe Walter

Okay, so I know that some of you have been anxiously awaiting my review of this book. Review will be posted May 1st, 2013!

In case you forget or have no idea what it's about, here is the blurb from Xanthe Walter's website:

"Even in a BDSM universe, where everyone identifies as dom or sub, finding the right partner isn’t always easy.  Matt is a big star on the hit TV show, Collar Crime, and he’s looking for a dom who ticks all the right boxes, including being as tidy and organised as himself.  That definitely isn’t his chaotic co-star, Rick, with his spanking fetish and habit of tying a different sub to his bed every night.  When Matt meets the perfect dom he’s swept off his feet, but he soon discovers that being pursued by a handsome, controlling billionaire isn’t the erotic fantasy he’d imagined.  Maybe the right dom for him is the one he thought was all wrong…"

Okay, so before I dive into the review, I need to have a disclaimer: I have never read book porn before, let alone BDSM stuff, so this was a whole new experience for me. Needless to say, my cheeks were red for a lot of the reading. Oh my gosh, my facial cheeks! Because I was blushing. That was not meant to sound dirty!

Moving on...

So, as far as my review? I was expecting to hate this book, I can't lie about that. I mean... As I expressed in an earlier post, I'm a pretty pure and innocent person when it comes to this type of stuff, but I read it and from a general and literary stand-point, it's not the worst thing I've ever read.  I think it's just the genre, though. The writing really wasn't awful and the story was pretty well constructed. If this is the type of stuff you like to read, I would recommend it.

Now... On to the next!! What did you all submit?

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sBVJTceHf8]

Thanks so much, Duckies! See you all on Friday! And don't forget to make suggestions all month long for books I should read next!

Holy Frack, Y'all: Science.

Hello Readers!! I hope you all had a fantastic weekend and a wonderful Easter! I ate way too much food and drank way too much wine, which means that my holiday was a total success, obviously.

But today is not about that. Today is about "The Disappearing Spoon" - Oooooooo...

Review will be Posted April 1, 2013 (No Joke!!)

I spent the month of March reading this book for today's book review, and let me tell you guys how freaking awesome it was! Once again, your suggestions have resulted in me reading something I never would have picked up on my own. This is why I love this project!

Let me be the first to tell you that I am not a science person. I never have been. The most scientific aspect of my life is baking, which is kind of like chemistry, but not. In fact, while I'm baking, I talk to myself like Professor Snape so that I feel like I'm in potions class. If you haven't tried that, you totally should. You have no idea what you're missing out on.

Anyway, back to this book. It blew my freaking mind-hole. So many crazy things in history have happened all because of the elements on the periodic table. I learned so many strange and bizarre things from this book. For example, did you know that laxatives used to be made of antimony, which doesn't dissolve in the human stomach, so people would sift through fecal matter in order to reuse them. "Some lucky families even passed down laxatives from father to son." (p. 22) No? You weren't aware of that disgusting little factoid? Well, you're welcome, readers. That is what I call education.

The crazy thing that kept occurring to me while I read this book was that so many things in history were chalked up to witchcraft or something supernatural - like Nebuchadnezzar (the guy who built all those hanging gardens) went crazy because of the paint he was using on his walls and Egyptian women were using antimony-based make-up to give themselves witch-like powers. It makes me wonder how many things we haven't figured out yet. Like, what if all that stuff we think is the result of paranormal activity is just because there's some element that screws with our vision? Or how many brain diseases have to do with the chemical that is used in modern window treatments? Who knows? You can't deny that the idea of that is both awesome and terrifying. I'd even go so far as to say that it's extremely humbling. I mean, we legitimately have no idea what is happening most of the time.

Huh... I think I'm really starting to understand that saying that goes "The more I learn, the less I know."

This is why I never got into science. It messes with my head.

Anyway, loved this book. You all should go read it. He also has another book out about DNA... Now, that sounds even crazier.

Okay... and on to the next book!! Watch the video to see what I'm reading this month - and don't forget to make your suggestions for May!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iR4Hte02GAg]

If you don't want to watch the video because you're lame, just click here to see what I drew out of the bowl!!

Werewolves and Redwoods and Elipses, Oh My!! Aka This Month's Book Review of Anne Rice's "The Wolf Gift"

Hello readers!! So, yes, as some of you may recall, on the first of every month, I post a book review of the book that you all picked for me to read! Okay, well not all of you. Really, it's most likely just one of you, but you all get to enter your suggestions... You know what? If you're unfamiliar, just go to the Book Reviews page. It's all explained there.

Anyway, so this month I was destined to read

The Wolf Gift by Anne Rice

So let's get right to the review.

If you're unfamiliar with the basic plot of the story, it's this:

A young reporter on assignment from the San Fransisco Observer... An older woman welcoming him into her magnificent family home that he has been sent to write about and that she must sell with some urgency... A chance encounter between to unlikely people... An idyllic night - shattered by horrific unimaginable violence, the young man inexplicably attacked - bitten - by a beast he cannot see in the rural darkness... A violent episode that sets in motion a terrifying yet seductive transformation, as the young man, caught between ecstasy and horror, between embracing who he is evolving into and fearing what he will become, soon experiences the thrill of the wolf gift. (From the inside flap of the book)

Oooooo!!!

To be honest, this was my first Anne Rice novel, and all in all, I really enjoyed it. While the chapters were a little slow at first, they picked up. The sexual tension was also palpable at times, but I was prepared for such things. Although, I cannot deny that Gio and I shared some awkward looks...

After the young reporter, Reuben, gets bitten and turns into a werewolf (oh, if that wasn't clear when she used the term "the wolf gift", that is what Anne Rice means), he spends a lot of the book trying to still be a good guy, while constantly running from the authorities who want to capture him and research the hell out of him.

Anne Rice did a good job with this one, I must say. While I did giggle at some parts (It's just hard for me to find a werewolf sexy, I'm sorry Taylor Lautner), I would also catch myself intently absorbed in the novel during others. I certainly wouldn't tell people to run away screaming if they picked this one up. You just have to be ready for Anne Rice is all.

Alright, on to the next selection!! Here is the video of me picking what to read next, but if you don't want to watch that, just go ahead and scroll down.

The Submissions This Month were...

The Disappearing Spoon & Other True Tales of Madness, Love, and the History of the World from the Periodic Table by Sam Kean

The Vampires in the Lemon Grove: Stories by Karen Russel

Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James (Submitted 3 times)

My Favorite Fangs: The Story of the Von Trapp Family Vampires by Alan Goldsher

Gravity's Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon

The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

And the winner is.........

Review will be Posted April 1, 2013 (No Joke!!)

Don't forget to keep making suggestions all month for what I'll read in April!

I Have This Idea...

So I've had this idea brewing in my head for a while now, but I want to know what you, my readers, have to say. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know that I'm an independent bookseller at a small bookshop in Northeast Ohio (which is currently up for sale and you should make a donation here to help my manager put the deposit on her business loan so that she can keep it from becoming a soulless name-brand clothing store!!). So, I spend a lot of my time around books. I love them.

In a way, they've become a major part of my life. I also know that there are quite a few of you out there who also love books, some of you are even authors, and I'm so jealous of that fact because I wish I could finish just one of the few books I've started writing, but that's a different story for a different day. Nobody needs to read my works of fiction... my factual life is already sometimes too much to handle!

So now I'm toying around with this idea of doing a monthly book review here on my blog. I know, I know: you all come here for laughs about how my dog shit himself or when my mother asks me for assless chaps, but I think there is a little room for some book-talk, don't you?

Around the same time that I started this blog, I had also started one just for reviewing books, but I got so swept up in this one, and no one was really reading my other one, so I shut it down. Now, however, I think that it might be a nice little feature. You know, just something on the side from all the hilarity that you come here for.

The way I was doing it before was this:

You all suggest what you want me to read next, I then pick one of those books at random and I read it and review it for you all, and then the process repeats every month. This way, you guys get to participate, and I get to read books I might never have picked up without you telling me to. It's kind of fun for everybody! (If you're into that kind of thing, which I am!)

So... feedback? Tell me what you think! I won't do it if no one is interested, but I thought I might throw it out there! 

Have a great Tuesday, everyone!