Strep is the best, right?

If you've been following my instagram story then you already know that I'm stuck in bed because I have strep throat. It's a bit of a bummer, but I also get to catch up on lots of books and tv shows that I haven't had time to read, so silver linings. BUT

Today is Friday and after a blogging break for Christmas, I was really looking forward to writing something funny for you all today.

So here I am.

Hopped up on meds with a mouthful of saltines.

I had planned to a whole "reflect on 2017" thing, but all my brain can handle right now is "I'm dying," so I thought I would share my top tips for being sick because after 24 hours, I feel like a pro:

  1. Marry a person who makes good soup.
  2. Acquire two huskies. They are necessary for the snuggles and I've learned that they never leave your side when you're not feeling well. They'll either lay on the bed together, both touching you, or they'll work in shifts.
  3. You're going to be told to drink a lot of fluids, which will then lead to you needing to pee a lot. This will be frustrating due to the fact that you're weak and in pain everywhere. I recommend building a bathroom right next to your bed.
  4. You will have a dream that you've wet the bed and then you'll wake up and everything will feel wet and you'll be all "OH MY GOD I WET THE BED." Don't panic. It's just your fever breaking again, which has caused you to sweat a ridiculous and slightly alarming amount.
  5. Speaking of the sweat thing... wear clothes that are easy to take on and off. Now is not the time for leggings that cling to your body every time you try and remove them. Now is the time for your husband's giant, grey sweatpants and that one giant, grey sweatshirt. Embrace the look of an elephant and run with it. Metaphorically. Running right now (and always) is a very bad idea.
  6. Watch and read things that make you happy. My personal favorites this time around are Planet Earth and Parks & Rec for shows and Harry Potter for books.
  7. Depending on the timing, you might be missing out on celebrating Christmas a week late with your husband's family. This is the first Christmas since your wedding, making it the first Christmas since you started using their last name and you're missing it. Take this time to be thankful for FaceTime, but it's also okay to cry a little.
  8. Netflix is going to judge you a lot and will ask you multiple times if "you're still watching." Take this opportunity to start drafting a letter to the powers that be about "sick mode."
  9. Your ability to finish sentences will
  10. Zzzzzzzz......

And that's about it. What about you? How do you like to spend your time when you're sick?


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It's a Christmas Miracle! ...of sorts.

This morning The Mr woke me up by tossing a cardboard box onto my body. I know what you're thinking: Romance has never felt more alive.

But it was actually exciting because it was my StitchFix subscription (not an ad). A box full of cute clothes so that I can trick people into thinking I have it all together and I'm not a slob who wears the same thing every day.... although, why is that a bad thing? If I have a cool piece of clothing, why am I not hip for wearing it multiple times? Doesn't that just mean that I'm good at taking care of my clothes and responsible with my money and also kinder to the environment because I'm not buying as much stuff all the time? WHY ARE OUR SOCIAL NORMS SO WEIRD?!

Ahem. I digress.

Because while it was all "yay! Clothes!" The Mr was walking around looking all weird-like.

Me: LOOK AT HOW CUTE I AM NOW.

 

via GIPHY

The Mr: Yeah, you look great, but...

Me: ....but what?

 

via GIPHY

The Mr: Doesn't it strike you as odd that that box arrived... this morning?

Me: Not really, I mean, they emailed me a few days ago and were like "hey, friend, fun clothes are on their way to you, so yay!" and it seemed legit.

The Mr: Yeah, but... we went to bed at 11 last night... and the box was there this morning.

Me: Yeah... wait... I think I'm with you now.

The Mr: Yeah...

Me: So... you took the dog out before we went to bed at 11pm?

The Mr: Yeah.

Me: And there was no box on the doorstep then?

The Mr: No.

Me: And then when you got up at 7, the box was there?

The Mr: Yes.

Me: ..... SANTA DOES EXIST!!!

 

via GIPHY

The Mr:

 

via GIPHY


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Congratulations: You Make Me Sick.

Something strange is happening to me... I woke up this morning with a knot in my stomach. A metaphorical one, obviously. I didn't swallow one the of the dog's rope toys or anything, don't worry. It was more a general feeling of dread, doom, and overall anxiety.

And I didn't know why.

Normally when I wake up like this it's one of four reasons:

  1. I've done something terrible to someone, i.e. I ate all of The Mr's cookies or I forgot a birthday or  I remembered a birthday and then got that person a flock of opossums and I am only just now realizing how bad of an idea that was because my mother hates rodents.
  2. Someone has done something terrible to me, i.e. Someone stole all of my opossums.
  3. Something terrible has happened in general: Hello, 2017.
  4. My psychic powers have finally kicked in and something terrible is about to happen. This one is weirdly exciting and terrifying all at once.

But nothing out of the ordinary had happened this morning. (Except maybe option 4?) I don't even have a flock of opossums, so theoretically, they were all accounted for. The Mr was fine. I was fine. Everyone I knew was fine.

And that's when it dawned on me: I hadn't written in two weeks. Barely a word. I haven't even journaled.

I've never been one of those people who needs to write in order to live fully or whatever. At least, I didn't think I was, but maybe I am. All that I know is that I'm in a writing rut lately. Maybe it's because it's the height of the holiday shopping season and I work retail as my full-time day job and I'm coming home exhausted.

Actually yeah, that's probably it. I'm tired and it's the holidays and I spend a lot of time telling people what to buy for distant relatives they barely know and trying to explain that books are not for boys or girls because they are not operated by our genitals and if that's how you're reading then you're doing it wrong, but you're also really talented and I have A LOT of questions.

Either way, this isn't really a real blog post and I don't know where this is going, but I'm tired and I miss you, dear readers, so I just wanted to say hello and that I'm here and apparently not writing to you all makes my stomach turn.

I hope you're flattered.


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Another flattering moment with my mother.

The other night, I was just sitting at home, feeling good about myself, drinking tea, and reading a book. It was perfect. I felt my phone buzz and looked down to see that my mother had texted me:

Mom: I have a very important and honorable assignment for you.

Me: Okay...

Mom: It doesn't look like your brother will be coming home for Christmas. Would you please be Santa for the kids?

Me: None of the guys want to play Santa? (It is important to note here that I have two brothers-in-law and a father who will all be home for Christmas)

Mom: I haven't asked anyone else. I just think that you'd be the best to step in :)

Me: You think I'm the best choice to play an old man?

Mom: Well, don't say it like that!

Me: Oh, I'm sorry. Gee, Mom. Stop. I'm blushing. This flattery is too much.

Mom: We are sooooo happy that you're coming home.

Me: .....

Mom: And you're the best actress in the family.

Me: Are you trying to butter me up?

Mom: Is it working?

Me: No.

So... I'm super excited about this Christmas, you guys. I'm gonna be the best Santa ever.

 

UPDATE: Neighbor boy agreed to play Santa and I was allowed to maintain some fragment of what dignity I have left. This is probably for the best seeing as how the chances of me screwing this up and revealing that I'm not the real Santa and therefore crushing my nieces' and nephew's hopes and dreams, which would only result in my banishment from the family were pretty high. I was only sort of drunk, but to be fair, so was Santa.

 

***

In other news, there's a new Page Break episode. Cole and I came up with our Top 14 Books of 2014! Check it out!

An Oldie, but a Goodie, because #TBT... and my mom.

The great thing about me posting on Thursdays is that whenever I don't have the time, I can just be all "THROWBACK THURSDAY, BITCHES!" and then all of you, my Duckies, are just like "Yay!! Trending social media topics!! I love them!!" In reality, I don't have the day off today, and so I'm scrambling to throw even these few sentences together before I go to work, but I wanted to get something posted because I'm leaving for BlogU tomorrow and I'm going to be meeting all sorts of new people who also blog and I figured that they should have a chance to get to know me (or my mother) a little bit better before we meet face to face.

So... I'm going with an oldie, but a goodie, because everyone loves stories about my mom and this was her debut into the blogosphere.

Quick side note: When I originally posted this, my mom was all "OMG, I'M FAMOUS!!" and then she emailed it to her entire office and they were all "EMELIE SHOULD SEND THIS INTO ELLEN!" and that's when I knew that I really was in Suburbia... because only middle-aged white housewives would immediately start begging me to submit my stuff to Ellen Degeneres.

Anyway... on to the Blog Post...

And My Mother Makes Her Debut... with Assless Chaps.

I have a strange life problem. Well... it's really a blessing and a curse.

I have a hot mom.

Don't get me wrong, 99% of the time, it freaking rocks to know that my parents are still so young looking. It bodes well for my own future. It's the other 1% I try and block out.

Let me explain:

My mom is in her mid-fifties and she looks like she's... well... much younger. Mind you, she has had no cosmetic surgery, the woman just teaches six aerobics classes a week, three of which are at 5:45 in the morning, and then she goes and rides her horse for at least an hour almost every day. Throw in the fact that we're 100% Swedish and you've got yourself one hot mamma. Needless to say, this woman can kick my ass. She's awesome.

She is also wonderfully weird.

We were sitting around the other day and having coffee, and the subject of Christmas came up.

Mom: Oh! If anyone is stuck on what to get me for Christmas, go to [insert big country horse supply store here]! They have so many awesome things!

Me: Okay, like what? Keep in mind that I'm poor.

Mom: Well, they even have horse treats.

Me: Mom... I'm not going to buy you a bag of horse treats for Christmas!

Mom: Well, I'll use them!

Me: Okay.. is there something that's in between horse treats and like... a new saddle?

Mom: Oh, I wouldn't ask you for a saddle. Oh, but you know what, they do have these awesome leather chaps that have fringe going all the way down the sides.

Me: As in... assless chaps?

Mom: Well, yeah, Emelie. All chaps are assless.

Me: I am not buying my mother anything that can be described as assless.

Mom: Why? I think they're cool!

Me: Let's change the subject please. How did your burlesque aerobics class go? I admit that this might not have been the best subject change, but this is how we talk, people.

Mom: Oh, it was so much fun! We had feather boas and everything, it was great. Oh, except my friend was sick and she was so upset that she couldn't be there.

Me: Oh, that sucks! She would have had fun.

Mom: I know, and she was supposed to make "penises in a blanket" so then we ended up not having any "penises in a blanket" :(

Me: Mom... I think it's about time I write about you in my blog.

Mom: Really? Why?

Me: Because I love you. And someone needs to start writing down the things that you say.

I'm not kidding, though. I truly do love my mom, and I rarely pass up the opportunity to hang out with her nowadays. I honestly hope that I'm as badass and free-spirited as she is for the rest of my life. She freaking rocks.

This also means I'm going to have to start working out, though...

I love you, Mom!

And yes... I did buy her the chaps.

I have no time to write this month.

So, I'm a full time bookseller. As you can imagine, this is an extremely busy time of year for me. While I absolutely adore everything about Christmas and the holiday season, it comes at a cost, and that cost is the time that I usually spend reading and writing.

I've been trying to wake up super early every morning to be productive, but it just doesn't happen, which is kind of a pain in the ass, but what can you do? When you're tired, you're tired.

Anyway, I don't mean to be so gone, but this month, I am. In lieu of new material, I went digging through the archives and decided to repost something from about a year ago!

Enjoy Duckies!!

***

You Know, For the Sake of the Story.

Before I get started on this post, I just wanted to remind you all to keep suggesting books for me to review! I'm almost done with Storm Front, and I cannot wait to find out what you guys make me read next!! Deadline is January 31st to get your suggestions in!

Now on to the real blog post.

Okay, so do you remember how a few days ago, Gumby sent John Hamm and I a message about how fracked up Indiana was seeming to be that day? No? You can read about it here if you've forgotten. The rest of you, come with me.

I finally got some answers.

Gumby: So when I first arrived at the hotel, this one eyed guy was going on and on about how miserable his stay was at the motel or something and how the gross people that lived there (he didn't have much room to judge: he looked semi-homeless) had shitty run-down cars in the parking lot and the cars were full of garbage and had flat tires. He was also talking about the half-naked kids of these families and how they would run around the hotel at ALL hours of the night and day. This whole time it is grossly obvious that he is trying real hard to hit on the girl working behind the desk who was straight out of Jersey Shore (hair bump and all). This picture was truly worth a thousand words. This was the same lady who was throwing judgmental looks at me as I headed to my room with a large pizza. Alone.

Now I just have more questions. Later on, however, I had this conversation:

Gumby: I'm sitting in my room trying to figure out what to do with myself. I have the room until tomorrow, but I think I'm going to head back to Ohio tonight so I can be home for a few days. Decisions are hard!

Me: Do it.

John Hamm: Wah wah wah.

           John Hamm and I are ultra-supportive people.

Gumby: I could always just hit on the desk clerk...

Me: After the stories you've told, I advise against it.

Gumby: Alternatively, you could have more stories to tell!

John Hamm: Invite her back to your room. Nothing can go wrong here.

Gumby: Herpagonasyphalaidsoreeah

Me: Yeah, please bring that shit back with you. You know, for the sake of the story.

I'm Essentially Just a Giant Failure Who Loves Christmas.

HAPPY DECEMBER, EVERYONE!!! advent1

This is without a doubt my favorite time of year. This and summer. And fall. And Spring.

Okay, I kind of love all the seasons, but the Christmas time is one of the best. For sure.

I started playing Christmas music in my apartment while I decorated today and then I made some cookies that turned out terribly. Martha Stewart is a liar and her recipe did NOT work. Nevermind the fact that I was missing like... half of the appliances she told me to use. I figure that if the woman is willing to lie on her taxes, she has no reason to be truthful to me. Therefore, it's not my fault that these things were gross.

In other news, I failed hardcore at NaNoWriMo, but congrats to those of you who succeeded! Congrats to those of you who worked your asses off to get it done. I'm proud of you all. Me? I chose the worst year to attempt this. I moved on October 25th, started my new job a few days later, which is a retail job, and then decided to attempt to write a novel, all while trying to meet new people and find the grocery store. I am not Wonder Woman.

In other words, this is just a post to say that even though the East Coast has no snow, Christmas is coming and I can't do anything, but I'm still happy. So yay.

So how are all of you?

My Thoughts on the New Doctor.

Okay, so we FINALLY  know who the twelfth Doctor is and I could not be more excited. I mean, he's still not a ginger, but I'll do my best to get past that. For those of you that hate the internet (why are you here?!?!) or just happened to be in the Yukon yesterday, meet our 12th Doctor:

petercapaldi

First of all: YES. I think he will be brilliant. Look at that mischievous glint in his eye. It's wonderful.

So, most of the reactions that I've read and seen have been positive, which is wonderful, but to any of you out there who don't think this is the right choice, let me give you some bullet points as to why you're wrong:

  • You're wrong.
  • He used to be in a punk rock band with  CRAIG FERGUSON. Why wouldn't you want to know that about The Doctor? And what did he play?? When is he going to be on Craig Ferguson for a reunion!??!? Do they still jam or are they no longer on speaking terms? Is that why the band broke up? Can Craig be the new companion?? Think of the shenanigans!!!  SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!
  • You're wrong.

Okay, so that's all I really have for right now, but I know there's a ton more out there. Another good one that I'm sure some of you will argue with me on is that we finally won't have a bunch of tween fangirls running around going "OMG he's sooo hott!"

Don't freak out on me. I know that the past two Doctors have been incredibly attractive in a way that makes me hate all other men in my life, but I think this new Doctor (who, let's be honest, totally has that salt and pepper goodness to him) will be a refreshing aesthetic change to what we've become so used to. It's also nice to see that they're not going for young, fit pretty boys for this. They seem to be going for personality and that's awesome. Way to go Doctor Who casting directors.

My hilarious friend, Jean, from A Wanderlust Guide had some different thoughts:

Jean: New Doctor Who... Who?! Not a Ging :(

Me: I know!! But I'm still really excited. A million tween girls are dying of agony right now.

Jean: Matt smith did anal job. Hmm. I don't know Peter Capaldi.

Me: ...Did you just use "Matt Smith" and "anal" in the same sentence?

Jean: Oh Jesus f*ck... I meant "amazing." Oh wow.

Jean: ...I'm going to end up in your blog, aren't I?

Me: You might.

Anyway, I can't wait until Christmas, you guys. It's gonna be good.

A Very Merry Christmas Indeed – Especially for My Mom…

So I'm back from the Christmas insanity! Sort of. The family is still in town and much of my day consists of "having a conversation" with my one-year-old nephew who knows the word "Da." I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. We certainly did! Here are just some of the highlights:

Dragon joined us for the first time, got a lot of sweaters and a pipe.

And Dragon got me some dresses and this stuff:

both

He has real alpaca fur!

card

I made a hat for my sister, but it turned out to be way too small. She looked like a smurf. I wish I had a picture of this, but I don't. Sorry.

And, of course...

image

photo

Yeah, I thought you would all appreciate that. After all of you reacted so wonderfully to mine and my mother's little conversation, Dragon and I could not resist buying these for her. She owes you all a major thank you!

Now we are all sitting around and waiting for the apparent "snowpocalypse" that is supposed to come, but there is nothing. According to The Weather Channel, we have a Winter Storm Warning as of 7AM and we're supposed to get 8-12 inches today. I have yet to see a single flake. I am pissed. My plans were to sled until I couldn't breathe before going to work. Now it looks like I'll just have to go to work. Disappointed. Way to fail, Weather People. Way to freaking fail.

UPDATE: It just started snowing like crazy. I take that back, Weather People. You guys rock.

So yeah, other than that, life is good. Sorry for my extreme absence these past few days, but I'm sure you understand and you'll forgive me. Right? Yeah, I thought so.

So... tell me about your Christmas!

I'm Back from Sad Land!

Hello, readers! Today I woke up feeling much more optimistic about life than I was yesterday. I don't know what that was all about, but I listened to Mumford & Sons and got the sad out of my system, thank Goodness! I don't have depression or anything, so no one needs to worry. I was just having one of those days where you wake up a little bluer than usual. In my case, it's likely that nobody noticed, because I'm told that I'm overly happy a lot of the time, so I most likely just seemed normal, but that is neither here nor there.

Christmas is fast approaching and I'm really cutting it close with some of these gifts. I wish I could tell you what I bought everyone, but some of those people actually read this blog (or at least they claim to), so that would be a horrible ruin to the surprises! I will say, though, that I am pretty damn proud of myself for some of them.

Today is my Get Shit Done Day. Today Dragon and I need to buy my dad's christmas present before I leave to pick him up from the airport (which means that my car also needs to become spotless), I need to clean my apartment, I need to go to work, and then afterwards I have people coming over to watch Elf because John Hamm has never seen it (SINFUL!). Oh - and I need to obtain the movie Elf. Here is the list of what needs to happen before I go to work today:

9:30AM - Have blog post typed and finished, pray that it's actually worth reading.

9:45AM - You better be cleaning SOMETHING. Dishes, car, apartment, SOMETHING.

10:00AM - Go get Dragon and find Dad's christmas present - obtain Elf somehow?

10:30AM - Come back and keep cleaning stuff!

11:00AM - CLEAN, MOTHERF*CKER, CLEAN!!!

11:45AM - Leave for the airport, pray that your car is clean enough for your father's standards.

12:30PM - Obtain Father.

1:30PM - FINISH CLEANING.

2:30PM - Shower and get ready for work. Don't worry about blow-drying your hair, just go for the natural look. Make-up? Do it when you get there and use the bathroom!! It's a dark restaurant, no one will really notice you anyway...

2:45PM - Do any last minute cleaning. THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE!

3:00PM - Leave for work.

Also, if I can find time to finish any knitting that I need to do this week somehow today, that would be amazing.

The awesome part about this is that Gio gets to play outside all day today, so he'll be super happy and super tired. Okay, fine, just super happy and his normal amount of energy.

Well, I'm sure you all really loved reading my schedule for the day. Sorry for the non-thought-provoking post - I know that's what you were here for. I'll be back with all of my wisdom and glory tomorrow, my friends!

Happy Thursday and I hope Christmas shopping is going swimmingly for the rest of you!