So That Was Snow White's Secret: She Smoked Crack.

Duckies! It's me! For real this time! Oh, how I've missed you all. I'm actually still in NYC right now, but I'm heading to the airport in a few hours and I thought I'd crank out a post before I start traveling back to Ohio. (Yaaay...)

I had a blast on this trip, you guys. I saw tons of fascinating things and experienced the New York City heatwave like no other, but I think my favorite NYC moment was on Friday.

I was with my friend, who we will call "Darcy" since he looks and speaks just like Mr. Darcy circa Matthew MacFadyen in the 2005 Pride and Prejudice film:

Film Title: Pride and Prejudice.

Anyway, so Darcy and I were walking around the city in 90 degree weather and we decided to stop in one of the parks to sit down in some shade and just relax. I assumed we would only be there for about 20 minutes or so before we decided to continue on our exploration of the city. False.

Darcy and I share a love for many things, but among those things is people watching. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that New York City is fantastic for such an activity.

Let me paint this scene for you: Darcy and I sat on a bench. About fifty feet to our left and in front of us there was a jazz band starting to set up. About 20 feet to our right and in front of us was a man with wildly long, blond hair, wearing a black kimono robe that was open down to his waist, black pants, and I'm pretty sure he was barefoot.

Me: Oh, fun, a band! I hope their good...

Darcy: Ha, yeah... I can't stop watching this guy over here, though.

Me: I know! How old do you think he is? When I first saw him I was all 'Oh, cool, some hippie college kid', but now that I'm looking at him again, he looks like he's fifty...

Darcy: I know! Crazy.

Me: Yeah... okay, that sax player needs to find a different scale to play. I'm losing my excitement over this jazz band... OH. MY. GOSH.

Darcy: Is that dude.... yup. That guy is holding pigeons.

Me: This is the best thing I've ever seen in my entire life. One is sitting on his head!

Darcy: I definitely just saw that guy smoke crack.

Me: What?

Darcy: Yeah... He just brought something up to his face, hid it with his hand, inhaled a bunch, and then snuck whatever it was back in his pocket.

Me: ...Maybe it was his inhaler?

Darcy: ...No.

Me: ...Maybe it was...

Darcy: Crack?

Me: ...Yeah... He seems pretty nice, though.

Darcy: Yeah.

Me: Oh my gosh! He's showing those tourists how to hold pigeons!! Can I try??? Will you take a picture of me, please?

Darcy: Oh good lord, NO! All the diseases! Bird flu!

Me: Well, the pigeon guy seems fine!

Darcy: The crackhead?

Me: Yeah, but that's not bird flu! It's not like I'll contract some crackhead disease.

Darcy: Emelie, that guy probably has an immune system that you wouldn't believe.

Me: That's not the point! This is such a rare experience! Come on!

Darcy: Absolutely not.

Me: You are no fun.

Darcy: Sorry.

Me: When did the jazz band start playing? They're good!

Darcy: Oh, I don't know.. I was so distracted by the pigeon guy...

Me: Me too. Aw, someone scared his birds away... Poor Pigeon Man... Oh my gosh, did he just whistle? They're all flying back! This guy is insane!!

Darcy: Yes. Yes he is.

Me: Darcy, look. I'm so fascinated by this guy! He's just chilling on the bench, talking to some cyclist who probably sat down thinking "This seems like a normal place to take a break from my extremely hot bike ride. I'll relax here. Nobody will bother me." Little did he know... PIGEON MAN.

And then the best thing happened: A squirrel calmly approached Pigeon Man and crawled onto his shoulder, sat there for a bit before walking down Pigeon Man's arm, grabbing some food, and scampering away. 


Darcy: Okay, that was awesome. That squirrel was all "Oh hey, what's up? I'm just gonna chill with you for a second. No biggie."

Me: Can I hold a squirrel?

Darcy: No.

Me: Fine.

This went on for an hour until Darcy told me that we had to head back. I suppose I should be thanking Darcy for keeping me from contracting some crazy disease, but I'm still kind of bitter. I mean, how many people get that kind of a chance? YOLO, people. YOLO.