Dear Diary: What Has Greg Been Up To? Part 2.

Read Part 1 Here So, this week, it's all about the Return of Greg!!

Let's get right to it, shall we?

Dear Diary: I've never seen Greg and Obama in the same room together. Coincidence? I think not, Diary!

Dear Diary: Does Greg really look how we think he does, or is he just constantly cosplaying himself?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg has been traveling the mighty amazon? In a boat shaped like his hat?

Dear Diary: I wonder how many more tattoos Greg has gotten since he left!

Dear Diary: Do they grant him favors when he travels among certain indigenous peoples?

Dear Diary: Is Greg the Avatar?

Dear Diary: Along that line... Has Greg discovered Navi? Did James Cameron base his movies on Greg?

Dear Diary: Did Greg go back in time and invent the sock hop? I sure hope so, Diary...

Dear Diary: ...or the jitterbug?

Dear Diary: Is the Charleston of Greg's creation, too?

Dear Diary: Did Greg invent so many daces because, as a teenager, he moved to a town that outlawed dancing?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg was at the ratification of the Constitution? Did Greg stick it to King George?

Dear Diary: Did Greg originally start time traveling to save Doc Brown?

Dear Diary: I'll bet Greg invented the flux capacitor.

Dear Diary: Is Greg a real psychic detective, or is he just hyper observant?

Dear Diary: Has Greg been chillin' in Middle Earth? Is he best friends with Tom Bombadil, Diary??

Dear Diary: Has Greg been aboard the Nostromo?

Dear Diary: Is Greg in Costa Rica? At Jurassic Park?

Dear Diary: Did Greg invent the four-part harmony? ...all by himself?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg and the marmoset are still friends? What if the marmoset, accustomed to the time machine, became drunk with power?

Dear Diary: Is the marmoset now Greg's nemesis?

Dear Diary: Are Greg and the marmoset waging an eternal war throughout all of time? That would be epic, Diary...

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg has ever blamed it on the bossanova? If so, what was it?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg has been training with yogi masters in India?

Dear Diary: How is his pigeon pose?

Dear Diary: Has Greg ridden an elephant?

Dear Diary: What do you think the chances are that Greg has become a deadly assassin with a blowgun?

Dear Diary: How many honorary degrees do you think Greg has? I'll bet he has a wall of them!

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg has befriended the Wiklevoss twins?

Dear Diary: Has Greg met Ben Affleck or Matt Damon yet?

Dear Diary: I wonder if Ben Affleck and Greg have started writing a movie yet...

Dear Diary: Is Greg the real Mark Zuckerburg?

Dear Diary: Do you think that Greg went to the year 3012 , partied, and then came back to tell Justin Bieber that it was only okay?

Dear Diary: Was Greg at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance?

Dear Diary: Has Greg been with Tom Cruise in the Danger Zone?

Dear Diary: Is Greg's ego writing checks his body can't cash?

Dear Diary: Has Greg been in one long volleyball game with Cruise and Val Kilmer?

Dear Diary: Was Greg at the Alamo?

Dear Diary: Did the marmoset forget the Alamo? Is that why they had a falling out?

Dear Diary: Has Greg been in an alternate universe? Hanging out with Leonard Nimoy? (#fringe)

Dear Diary: Has Greg been in an alternate universe? Hanging out with Lenoard Nimoy? (#StarTrek)

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg successfully traveled around the world in 79 days?

Dear Diary: Is Greg the man behind the curtain?

Dear Diary: Does Greg rule Oz, Diary?

Dear Diary: Does Greg have ruby slippers?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg went away to discover the lost world of Atlantis?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg has wrestled a giant squid?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg has discovered El Dorado?

Dear Diary: Did Greg sale the ocean blue in 1492?

Dear Diary: Is Greg's marmoset actually an animagus?

Dear Diary: Is Greg the only other one who can do all those things like Gaston?

Dear Diary: Does Greg use antlers in all of his decorating?

Dear Diary: Is Greg roughly the size of a barge?

Dear Diary: Does Greg have biceps to spare?

Dear Diary: Is every last inch of Greg covered in hair? ...Ew. I don't know how I feel about that, Diary...

Dear Diary: Is Greg a werewolf?

Dear Diary: Did Stephanie Meyer base almost all of her characters on Greg?

Dear Diary: Is he hiding from the summer sun, Diary?

Dear Diary: Will Greg ever call me "spider monkey?"

Dear Diary: Do you think he ever calls the marmoset "spider monkey?" If so, does the marmoset find that offensive?

Dear Diary: Does Greg persecute harmless crackpots?

Dear Diary: Is Greg the NSA? Can he read these entries right now? I hope so, Diary...

The End. ...For now.


Dear Diary: What Has Greg Been Up To??? AKA The Return of Dear Diary: Greg! Part 1.




Okay, I'll try and stop freaking out. I know that most of you loved Greg just as much as we do, but for those of you that don't know what the heck I'm talking about, let me explain. John Hamm, Lemon, and I used to legitimately jokingly stalk this guy that we worked with at the restaurant. His name is Greg and he was awesome. You can read all about him and our other obsessive diary entries here, here, here, and here

And then, out of nowhere, Greg moved... which I'm positive had nothing to do with us... and our tendency to write obsessive yet hilarious diary entries about him... The three of us girls sank into a deep, lonely depression. We got together nightly to cry over the loss of our great love... We listened to a lot of Celine Dion... 

Anyway, about a week ago, GREG CONTACTED US. He totally commented on the blog and was all "Bring back more diary entries!! I miss you guys!" And we were all "OMG GREG!!!!" 

So Greg.... You asked for it, buddy. We revived our obsessive teenage selves and went to town. 

Dear Diary: Where has Greg been?! Has he been fishing the Atlantic coasts a la George Cloone in The Perfect Storm?

Dear Diary: What do you think Greg's been doing? Perhaps he discovered sunken treasure in the Bermuda Triangle?

Dear Diary: Is Greg hunting for Amelia Earhart? I know that was always a dream of his, Diary...

Dear Diary: Is it possible that Greg has traded out his hat for a flight cap and aviator goggles? Would I even recognize him if I saw him??

Dear Diary: Did the marmoset become the sultan of a small Caribbean island?

Dear Diary: Has Greg brought peace to any remote islands?

Dear Diary: I do not know if the Caribbean has sultans... Was Greg the first?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg has been living in a secret cloud city? Where they have erected a statue of the marmoset in Greg's hat in his honor?

Dear Diary: Has Greg tamed the Wild West?

Dear Diary: Has Greg been discovering the lost city of Atlantis?? 

Dear Diary: Maybe he happened upon a long lost underwater city what worships Ayn Rand!! 

Dear Diary: Were Greg and his marmoset on Oceanic Flight 815?!?!?! SO MANY QUESTIONS, DIARY!!!

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg has climbed the Eiffel Tower? 

Dear Diary: Have Greg and his marmoset been dead the whole time??

Dear Diary: Has Greg been stuck in his own dreams?

Dear Diary: Did Greg spin the top, and if so, has it fallen over yet?

Dear Diary: Is Greg Keyser Soze?!

Dear Diary: Did Greg find a time machine??? He could be anywhere! Any time! Do you think it could be possible, Diary???

Dear Diary: If Greg had a time machine, do you think he'd go back and fight the Nazis with Wonder Woman and Indiana Jones?

Dear Diary: I think Greg was punching Nazis.

Dear Diary: Is Greg The Doctor? Is the marmoset his companion?? 

Dear Diary: Did Greg and the marmoset go back and write all of Shakespeare's plays for him?

Dear Diary: Has Greg colonized the moon?

Dear Diary: Is Greg's hat a fashionable tiny TARDIS?

Dear Diary: Was Greg's chef knife actually a sonic screwdriver?

Dear Diary: Is Greg responsible for Stonehenge? 

Dear Diary: Had Greg been responsible for 90% of the shady back room deals in Washington for the past 10 years?

Dear Diary: Did Edward Snowden leak classified NSA documents about Greg's hat? 

Dear Diary: Was it Greg in the crash at Area 51? 

Dear Diary: Has Greg been hiding with Snowden in Moscow?? 

Dear Diary: If Snowden applied to Greg for asylum, do you think he'd grant it?

Dear Diary: He would have to live in the TARDIS hat for the rest of his life... 

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg's hat serves as a mini helicopter? Like Inspector Gadget? Has he been cruising back and forth through the Grand Canyon? 

Dear Diary: ...Was Greg the second gunman? Was it the marmoset? 

Dear Diary: If Greg fell in the forest and no one was around to hear it, would it still make a sound?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg has been a shrimp boat captain? 

Dear Diary: Is his company called "Bubba Greg Shrimp?" Is the slogan "You girls are so weird..."? 

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg constructed the pyramids?

Dear Diary: Why has Greg chosen now to contact us? Is the world in peril once again?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg has been keeping his own diary? Are we real? What if we are only manifestations of his writing? Paranoid now, Diary...

Dear Diary: Is Greg incepting us? Whose dream is this?? 

To be continued...


Alright, duckies. Unfortunately, I'm hella busy today with work and other junk, so I don't have time to sit down and really make an awesome post for you all. I know, I'm sad, too...
However, this does mean that I got to go archive diving! Yay!! So here is a post from September. It's another "Dear Diary: Greg" post because I know that those a big fan favorite... and let's face it, we all miss Greg, wherever the heck that guy is.
The Brief Yet Glorious Life of @DearDiaryGreg on Twitter
So, Greg recently went on a two week vacation. Naturally, Lemon, John Hamm and I were all very distraught about what the heck we would do while he was gone. Who would we obsess over? How could we write about Greg in our Diary if we couldn't see him every day?
Well, we didn't want Greg to feel like he was only loved/creeped on when he was around. Out of sight, out of mind? Heavens, no!! So we thought we would surprise him by starting a Twitter account for Dear Diary: Greg. We thought this was a great idea! Until Greg came home...
Anyway, here are the tweets from the brief yet glorious life of @DearDiaryGreg...
  • Dear Diary: Greg's on vacation, but we're on Twitter. He'll be so surprised, Diary!!
  • Dear Diary: How many hats do you think Greg packed for vacation?
  • Dear Diary: Do you think Greg found the hidden chocolates I packed in his suitcase yet?? They were custom made to look like his hat, Diary!
  • Dear Diary: Do you think California will change its state bird to Greg's hat?
  • Dear Diary: What if Greg buys a new hat while he's in California? Do you think it will change him?
  • Dear Diary: Do you think Greg will get fresh ink in Cali? If so, do you think it will be of him riding a dolphin?
  • Dear Diary: I really hope Greg does ride a dolphin.
  • Dear Diary: What if Greg loses his hat in Cali while surfing?? Think of the lucky gust of wind/wave/dolphin that would catch it,
  • Diary...
  • Dear Diary: Do you think that no one believes how great Greg is because it's only published in tabloids and fansites?
  • Dear Diary: Imagine if Greg's hat could talk. I wonder what stories Greg's hat would tell, Diary...
  • Dear Diary: I had a dream that Greg told people he was going to Cali to cover up that he was visiting Curiosity on Mars! What does it mean?
  • Dear Diary: Whick California-based celebrities will ask for Greg's autograph?
  • Dear Diary: Does Greg's hat enable him to travel through space? What about time?
  • Dear Diary: Will Greg establish First Contact?? That would be awesome, Diary. He'd probably get a statue...
  • Dear Diary: I'm jealous of the hat. I wish I could hug Greg's head all day... #10ThingsIMustDoBeforeIDie
  • Dear Diary: What do you think Greg's hat dreams about?
  • Dear Diary: What if Greg is actually a Martian and his hat and tattoos are the only things that allow him to maintain human form?!
  • Dear Diary: What if Greg's a Cylon and doesn't know it?!?
  • Dear Diary: What if Greg's a Cylon and he DOES know it?!?!?!?
  • Dear Diary: I dreamed that Greg grew a second head & the heads fought over which got to wear the hat. Then they sang karaoke. What does it mean?
  • Dear Diary: Greg's been in California for over 24 hours now, how has he not won an Emmy yet?
  • Dear Diary: Do you think Greg is best friends with the Beach Boys by now?
  • Dear Diary: None of the Republican candidates speak to the issues that concern me. It's like Greg's height doesn't affect policy or something...
  • Dear Diary: I dreamed that Greg was the last American farmer, but it was because he was a combine. What does it mean, Diary?
  • Dear Diary: Do you think Greg has become the star of a new TV show in Hollywood? We'll get a cut since we made him famous... right, Diary?
  • Dear Diary: Do you think Greg is to California as Gulliver is to Lilliput?
  • Dear Diary: I'm finding myself troubled by thoughts of Greg finding new weird redheaded admirers. Am I paranoid, Diary? #Keepsmeupatnight
  • Dear Diary: Dreamed Greg trained sea lions at Sea World... It was awesome. The sea lions wore matching Greg hats! Could this happen for real?
  • Dear Diary: I haven't gotten a postcard from Greg yet. Should I be worried?
  • Dear Diary: Do you think  Greg's hat got a caricature of itself while in Cali?
  • Dear Diary: Greg is back!!! Best day ever!!!! :D
  • Dear Diary: Greg just told us to shut down the Twitter account. He seemed kind of mad... Worst day ever... :(
  • Don't worry - now you can follow this blog on Twitter! @AwkwardlyAlive 

Dear Diary: I'm Feeling Nostalgic

For some reason, I've been thinking a lot about when John Hamm, Lemon, and I used to write these ridiculous diary posts about our now former co-worker, Greg. He was the best... And then he ran away because having girls stalk you and publish that on the internet is weird for some unknown reason.Anyway, I've gained a lot of new followers in the recent past WHICH IS FRACKING AWESOME, but when I realized that many of you may not have actually gotten to experience the glory that is Dear Diary: Greg, it made me sad. So, here's a throwback. Just for you.

One of my jobs is as a hostess at a swanky wine bar (frightened by the fact that they let me be the welcoming face of a fancy restaurant? I understand.) A few of my friends who work there started a game with one of our chefs, Greg - or rather, about him. Real quick, let me describe Greg: Greg is tall. Greg has tattoos. Greg wears the same hat every day.

You see, our lunch hostess, "Lemon", and my best friend, who has requested to be referred to as "John Hamm" in this blog, were working the lunch shift. Let me explain how boring the lunch shift can be: soooooooooooooooooo boring. If you are ever stuck working said shift (as Lemon and my best friend John Hamm usually are) you must find a way to entertain yourself.

On this particular day, Lemon had been writing in her notebook. What she was writing is not important, but Greg walked by and had to ask...

Greg: What's that, your diary?

Lemon: Yup. I'm writing about you. "Dear Diary: Greg is so tall..."

Then Greg laughed like he didn't care and kept on walking (At least this is what I imagine he did. I wasn't there, so I have to go with my gut on this one). Lemon and John Hamm, however, just realized that they had discovered a new game - and thus "Dear Diary Greg" was born.

I eventually started contributing as well, though I must say that most of the classics come from John Hamm and Lemon. After many weeks of humoring ourselves and making Greg feel uncomfortable, he has given me permission to publish all of our diary entries here on the internet for all of you to read...even though he has no idea what any of them are.

Here are the best of the "Dear Diary Greg" entries that we have come up with... enjoy!

*** Dear Diary: I had a dream that Greg couldn't say the number 3. What does it mean, Diary?

Dear Diary: I had a dream that Greg wore a cape and had whisks for hands. What does it mean?

Dear Diary: I just watched Greg tear a box in half with his bare hands! He's so strong!

Dear Diary: I just watched Greg twist the heads off lobsters. Should I find this strangely erotic, Diary?

Dear Diary: Greg just called me weird. ... Do you think it means he loves me?

Dear Diary: What would mine and Greg's kids look like? Would they be born with hats and tattoos?

Dear Diary: Greg came into work mildly grumpy today. I hope everything is ok. Should I send him an edible arrangement?

Dear Diary: A customer came in tonight with a hat just like Greg's! Could there be two of them, Diary?!

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg has an entire closet full of the same hat?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg's hat gives him superpowers? Or do they just come naturally?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg hides things under his hat? Maybe a pet marmoset?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg would wear a grey hat if I bought him one? Or is it too edgy for him?

Dear Diary: Should I start calling him Gregory? Could it be our thing?

Dear Diary: I wonder where Greg got his tattoos done. Maybe he just willed them into existence?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg's tattoos are sentient?

Dear Diary: I had a dream that Greg fought crime on the back of a flying, sassy camel. What does it mean?

Dear Diary: I had a dream that Greg assaulted 80s screen idol Eric Stoltz with a sack of cupcakes. What does it mean?

Dear Diary: I had a dream that Greg was in the brat pack classic "St. Elmo's Fire." He played every role. What does it mean?

Dear Diary: I dreamed Greg was Jareth in a Spanish reenactment of "Labyrinth." It was rather disturbing, Diary. What do you think it means?

Dear Diary: I had a dream that I was snuggling with hundreds of puppies, but they were all wearing Greg's hat with ear holes and they had puppy tattoos just like his! Do you think this means that Greg likes to snuggle, Diary?

Dear Diary: Greg's mean. >:(

Dear Diary: Greg apologized. He's so sweet, Diary... :)

Dear Diary: Greg wasn't at work today... Do you think he's sick? Should I bring him some homemade soup or are we not there yet? What do you think, Diary?

Dear Diary: Greg thought I was mad at him today even though I wasn't. Does this mean he loves me, Diary???

Dear Diary: Did you know that Greg lives on top of cupcakes?? He's so cool...

Dear Diary: Greg asked me a question today and I answered him. It was awesome.

Think you can come up with some more Dear Diary, Greg classics??? Post them in the comments box for all of us to enjoy!!