Strep is the best, right?

If you've been following my instagram story then you already know that I'm stuck in bed because I have strep throat. It's a bit of a bummer, but I also get to catch up on lots of books and tv shows that I haven't had time to read, so silver linings. BUT

Today is Friday and after a blogging break for Christmas, I was really looking forward to writing something funny for you all today.

So here I am.

Hopped up on meds with a mouthful of saltines.

I had planned to a whole "reflect on 2017" thing, but all my brain can handle right now is "I'm dying," so I thought I would share my top tips for being sick because after 24 hours, I feel like a pro:

  1. Marry a person who makes good soup.
  2. Acquire two huskies. They are necessary for the snuggles and I've learned that they never leave your side when you're not feeling well. They'll either lay on the bed together, both touching you, or they'll work in shifts.
  3. You're going to be told to drink a lot of fluids, which will then lead to you needing to pee a lot. This will be frustrating due to the fact that you're weak and in pain everywhere. I recommend building a bathroom right next to your bed.
  4. You will have a dream that you've wet the bed and then you'll wake up and everything will feel wet and you'll be all "OH MY GOD I WET THE BED." Don't panic. It's just your fever breaking again, which has caused you to sweat a ridiculous and slightly alarming amount.
  5. Speaking of the sweat thing... wear clothes that are easy to take on and off. Now is not the time for leggings that cling to your body every time you try and remove them. Now is the time for your husband's giant, grey sweatpants and that one giant, grey sweatshirt. Embrace the look of an elephant and run with it. Metaphorically. Running right now (and always) is a very bad idea.
  6. Watch and read things that make you happy. My personal favorites this time around are Planet Earth and Parks & Rec for shows and Harry Potter for books.
  7. Depending on the timing, you might be missing out on celebrating Christmas a week late with your husband's family. This is the first Christmas since your wedding, making it the first Christmas since you started using their last name and you're missing it. Take this time to be thankful for FaceTime, but it's also okay to cry a little.
  8. Netflix is going to judge you a lot and will ask you multiple times if "you're still watching." Take this opportunity to start drafting a letter to the powers that be about "sick mode."
  9. Your ability to finish sentences will
  10. Zzzzzzzz......

And that's about it. What about you? How do you like to spend your time when you're sick?


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Seven things I'm thankful for (and NONE OF THEM ARE BRENDA)

I live in America and this Thursday we're celebrating Thanksgiving. While I'm definitely not a huge fan of the history of this holiday, I am a fan of food and the general idea that we should set aside some time to acknowledge the things we are grateful for. So, I decided to make a list. Because I'M RELEVANT.

    1. Books. Where would I be without books?! seriously. I read them. I make a living talking about them. I write them. If books were to suddenly stop existing, my life as I know it would literally be over. I love books so much that my house might as well be built out of them. I came home today and The Mr was all "Is that more books in your hands?" when he saw the armful I was carrying. I just smiled and didn't mention the fact that I had twice that in my backpack. (Shhh... he'll never know!) And what's not to love? They're nice to hold, they teach me things, they're basically time machines to other dimensions (TAKE THAT, SCIENCE) and they make great kindling when necessary! JUST KIDDING DON'T WORRY I WOULD NEVER BURN A BOOK, GOSH. (Okay, maybe we shouldn't be so extreme to go so far as to say never. I mean, if a man was holding my family hostage and told me that they were all going to die unless I set a book on fire, I'd probably do it. Unless he was just threatening my sister, Brenda*. She's the worst.)
    2. Comedy. Thank God for it, am I right? I feel like we could always use a laugh, but these days it feels way more than necessary. The world seems to be on fire everywhere we turn, but comedians are making me laugh in spite of and sometimes about it all.
    3. Macaroni and Cheese. Do I really need to explain myself here?
    4. Tacos. See #3.
    5. Dogs. Specifically mine. They are the best, even when they're vomiting in the middle of the night and shedding everywhere. I love them. They make me feel less like a weirdo because when I talk to them they look at me and say "Cool. HEY LOOK AT THIS BONE I FOUND IN MY TOY BASKET." Their support is unwavering.
    6. Grammarly. I write a lot and I often make mistakes - even when I know the proper use of "there," "their," and they're. For example, when writing #5, I definitely typed "they're support is unwavering" BECAUSE I AM A FLAWED HUMAN, but Grammarly was all "Hey girl, you did a dumb thing, but don't worry. I got you."
    7. You. Awwww. I know. So cute. But really, you are amazing. And I love you. The fact that you are just sitting around reading the weird stuff that comes out of my brain makes me love you. Many virtual hugs from me to you, dear reader, because every time I get a like or a comment from you I remember that I am not alone and that someone out there enjoys my thoughts and that is a really nice, warm, and fuzzy feeling. Like a peach. You are peachy. And thank you for being you :)

So what about you? What are you thankful for right now? Tell me in the comments below.

*Fun fact! I don't actually have a sister named Brenda. BECAUSE SHE IS DEAD TO ME.


Side note: Thank you all for your crazy awesome tips about how to shop more ethically and be a better person in the world on my last post! I AM FALLING SO FAR DOWN THIS RABBIT HOLE YOU HAVE NO IDEA.


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I'm Living with a Poop Ninja.

I just got home from work and I am so tired I can hardly move, not because it was a tiring day at work, but because I barely got any sleep last night. Because somebody won't stop pooping on the carpet.

We're not sure what the real problem is. Last night was definitely abnormal in that she was clearly not feeling well and woke us up with stink bombs every hour or so. Is she sick? Is she stressed? Is this just part of her rebellious stage?!?

The thing with Aloy is that she's really smart, but she's also a freaking ninja when it comes to anything bathroom-related. Throughout the day, she'll chat at you and bark at her toys or at Gio, but when it comes to going to the bathroom, all she does is quietly walk over to the staircase that leads outside, stare down it briefly, and then walk away, presumably assuming that we just can't be bothered to respond. EXCEPT SOMETIMES WE AREN'T IN THE ROOM SO WE NEVER SEE THE SIGNS.

We've bought the bells and now every time we take her out, we ring the bells. She still just stands there.

So we're at a weird loss and I'm kind of hoping that patience will win out here, but also what if our life is just filled with poop forever? Whatever poor NSA agent that is forced to read my google history is just like "my god, woman, why do you keep googling stuff about dog poop?" But then again, maybe this agent is also having dog poop problems and I'm helping her while also helping myself, so... it's a win/win? Or a lose/lose? Seeing as how we're both having to research the causes of dog poop, I'm pretty sure it's the latter, but who knows? Maybe this is how I end up meeting an NSA agent and then I'll be hired to be a secret agent who fights crimes! Against dog poop! Wow. This really took a turn, didn't it? Did I mention I was tired? Where am I?

Oh, right. Aloy keeps ninja-pooping and it's terrible. But I do recognize that it's also kind of hilarious when it's not happening to you. For example, while I was at work today, I received a text from The Mr, who had closed Aloy in his office with him so that he could keep an eye on her:

Him

Me: Oh no. What happened?

Him: <photo of dog poop on his office floor that I will spare you from looking at, my dear readers>

Me: :( ...but it looks solid, so... yay!

Him: I was giving a presentation to a client.

Him: and she just ninja-pooped halfway through it.

Him: So I had to sit in my office for 30 more minutes just smelling her poop.

Me: 

via GIPHY

I'm a good wife.

So now I'm spending the rest of my evening reading up on what to do when your housetrained dog just decides to throw everything she's learned out the window.

But at least I'm doing my part for the country by helping out a government employee along the way.


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Fred Flinstone Is Missing and Now My Dog is Possessed.

The other night, we received our PupJoy box, full of goodies for the dogs, and one of the toys was this GIANT rubber squeaky bone covered in cloth that kind of looked like it was stolen from Fred Flinstone's closet?

 

Yes. The fabric looked exactly like his... dress? That's a dress, right? Fred Flinstone: Man of Confidence. Wait... was Fred Flinstone poached to make my dog's toy?!?! WHAT ABOUT BAM-BAM?!?!

I can't think about this right now. THIS WAS NOT THE POINT OF THIS STORY WHEN I STARTED.

Let's focus, people.

So my dogs got this giant, rubber, squeaky toy and Aloy was in love with it right away. So she was all "IMMA SQUEAK THIS THING SO MUCH." And then she did for like 45 minutes before she got distracted and then Gio was like "I shall skin it."

 

And so he did that and then when Aloy came back she was all "WAIT, MY TOY HAS CHANGED THERE IS A NEW PART THAT I DIDN'T SEE BEFORE."

And then she proceeded to INGEST HALF OF THE RUBBER BONE WITHIN THE FLINSTONE SKIN.

Of course, The Mr and I didn't notice that she was actually EATING the rubber until half of it was gone and we were like "Well, crap. Now what?"

And basically the only answer to that is to just... wait it out.

 

So fast-forward to 4am. I woke up to what I thought was The Mr screaming. And so I said "What's wrong, why are you screaming?" and he was like "I'm not. THAT WAS ALOY."

Our dog SCREAMED LIKE A HUMAN. And not like a blood-curtling shriek. She just screamed like "AHH"

 

It was like she was possessed by some weird Rubber Ghost.

But then she puked up a bunch of rubber and everything was fine.

 

Okay, now let's get back to the important thing. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME ANY OF US SAW THE FLINSTONES ALIVE?


And now, for some business:

 

I'll be performing at this open mic night on Saturday Night with some really amazing people. All proceeds go to the Loaves and Fishes Soup Kitchen in New Milford, CT. If you're able to make it, please do! I'm reading one of my most awkward pieces I've ever written, and everyone else will be reading really incredible stuff, so it should be a good time for us all.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.


Last night was the October Public #SundaySupdates. "What is #SundaySupdates?" #SundaySupdates is a show on which I answer your questions while preparing supper on a Sunday. On the last Sunday of every month, #SundaySupdates is public! Yay! All other episodes will only be available to the Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. To become an Awkward Ambassador, click here: https://www.patreon.com/awkwardlyalive

Check out last night's episode here and then go sign up on Patreon to join in the fun every week! It only almost always starts and ends in disaster.

 

Being sick sucks. 

As a kid, it was weirdly exciting to be sick. You got to stay home and watch tv all day and it never mattered that you didn't feel good. As a grown-up, it's the worst. I still got to stay home and watch tv, but nowadays, I only stay home when I really feel awful. I've had a migraine, I've been dizzy and nauseous all day, and as much as I love The Golden Girls, I'm burning out here. There are two good things, of course: I have a really nice husband who is currently making me soup, and a dog who won't leave my side. Seriously, Gio won't leave - and he gets mad when Aloy, our other dog, comes near me. It's kind of endearing.

The good news is that for the first time all day, I can write without getting dizzy or nauseous. The bummer news is that I don't really have a ton to say since I've been bed-ridden and loopy all day. Apparently, I had a fever dream that my dog jumped out the window (he survived) and that I went back to high school and got lost on my way there. I'm pretty sure those were two separate dreams, but both equally disturbing.

Either way, here is a cute picture of Aloy trying to choose between her favorite toy and a chocolate chip cookie. Don't worry, she picked the toy.

I’m not even allowed to think about watching Mindhunter.

Last night I took Gio out to go to the bathroom, but it was really dark and I got scared, so I only let him pee, which makes me a terrible dog owner, but in my defense I took him inside so that I could tell The Mr that he had to take Gio outside again to poop because I was pretty sure there was a murderer hiding behind the tree in our yard and I knew that if I stayed out there any longer he would sneak up on me and stab me, you know right in the base of my spinal column or something? That way I'd be paralyzed and unable to move or say anything and The Mr would never know. So I ran inside.

The Mr basically just looked at me like this when I explained everything:

via GIPHY

Which is justified.

It should be noted that what spurred all of this on was Kate McKinnon's SNL IT sketch in which she was Kellyanne Conway/Pennywise/Kellywise. This was a comedy sketch. I had nightmares.

 

via GIPHY

I mean... I also laughed. But mainly because I was terrified.


And now for some business:

  • I'll be volunteering at the Gilmore Girls Fan Fest today and on Sunday in Kent, CT! Come say hi! I'll be the one in a volunteer shirt who looks like me. The Mr will be there on Saturday. If any of you are there and you see him, take pictures and tag me. It'll be like a fun scavenger hunt!
  • The giveaway is still open (because am I really not popular enough for even 10 of you to want some free books and patreon perks? Maybe that means you'd be ahead of the trend by becoming an Awkward Ambassador so early... Think about it.)

This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Huskies: LITERALLY HAIR EVERYWHERE.

Gio had to go to the vet yesterday for his first ever teeth cleaning. I don't normally have any anxiety over dentistry, but for him it felt different. They had to put him under, which surprised me at first, but then made total sense because how else would you clean a dog's teeth? It's not like you can just tell him to lean back comfortably in this chair and stare at the soothing image of rolling hills tacked to the ceiling. So we dropped him off at 8:15 in the morning and told him to be a good boy and then we left. Aloy, our puppy, was a little confused and cried on the car ride home, but then she realized that all of the dog toys were hers for the day, so she was fine.

I don't know why I had such anxiety over this. It's not like he was going to be in any pain whatsoever. In fact, our vet is so awesome that he was even texting us pictures of Gio beforehand to show that he was being treated wonderfully, not that we had any doubt.

And everything went perfectly, of course. The weird part was when The Mr went to pick him up and brought him to the bookshop where I work afterward. Gio was so dazed from the anesthetic that he didn't even notice me when they walked by my desk. That part was a little heartbreaking, but then he did see me and he sleepily came over, his tail lazily curled (because he doesn't wag, for some reason?), and it was all okay.

And then The Mr told me something really weird. The vet had found a hair stuck in Gio's mouth.

Me: That's not that weird. He produces much fur.

The Mr: No... stuck in the roof of his mouth.

Me: ....like...

The Mr: YEAH. THE VET HAD TO PULL IT OUT.

Me: WHAT. IS THAT NORMAL?

The Mr: I DON'T KNOW.

And now I can't stop obsessing over the fact that A HAIR WAS GROWING OUT OF THE ROOF OF MY DOG'S MOUTH AND HOW IS THAT EVEN A THING THAT CAN HAPPEN? And I keep asking The Mr all of these questions and he's all "EMELIE I'VE TOLD YOU EVERYTHING I KNOW."

So I texted my vetthis adorable photo of Gio getting his breakfast in bed this morning because he was still kind of groggy and didn't want to get up to eat and the vet responded with "Awww,"  and then I was all "Also, there was a hair lodged in his mouth WTF?!" and he hasn't gotten back to me yet. So, you know, that's... what's happening here? Just a normal day, I guess?

I'll keep you all updated.

 

 

 


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Will you come hang out with me on Sunday?

I am terrified. I've decided to do a live Q&A on Sunday at 5pm EST via YouTube (I'll tweet out a link and stuff that day) and I'm so scared that no one will show up. Will you come? Basically, here is the plan:

It's a #SundaySupdate, and I only plan on it lasting an hour. I'll answer almost any questions you ask (books, life, dogs, math problems that I can't solve, questionable advice, etc) and in turn we'll get to know each other better because I don't just want this blog to be me shouting at you guys about my weird life. I want to build community, I want to start collaborating with you all.

And if you can't make it on Sunday, but you still have questions, you can totally submit them ahead of time. Either post them as a comment here on the blog or send them to me on Twitter or Facebook or Instagram using the hashtag #SundaySupdate.

So please? Join me on Sunday? Don't make me into that lame kid who throws a party and then ends up sitting around squirting spray cheese into her mouth while crying and watching Planet Earth by herself because no one showed up.

To entice you a little bit, the dogs will also be there and maybe just maybe you'll get to witness the cuteness that is them playing together.

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Super cute and then SUPER NOT CUTE.

Okay, so first of all, if you follow me on any social media channel, you know that the cutest thing in the world happened and her name is Aloy (yes, like Horizon Zero Dawn) and JUST LOOK AT HER.  

Yeah. I know. She's just the best. She's three months old and we adopted her on Monday night and so far things are going well. A lot of you have been asking how Gio is adjusting and he's just being the best big brother. For example:

But, to be honest, I have other news to share, which I did not expect to be the case. I was all "Friday's blog post is just going to be the cutest ever," and then the least adorable thing that could have possibly happened, well, happened:

 

 

So.... that.... ugh, let me just start at the beginning.

Yesterday we discovered a snake skin in our living room.

A freaking snake skin was sitting between our air purifier and the wall, right near the radiator. You know, WHERE THERE SHOULD NEVER BE A SNAKE SKIN.

And this means that not only was there a snake in my living room at some point, but it was alive. And growing. Because, as I realized via googling "WHAT DO I DO WHEN I FIND A SNAKE SKIN IN MY LIVING ROOM," the only reason a snake sheds its skin is that the skin is officially too small for the snake's body.

There are about 19 different things about all of this that I find alarming.

The good news (if I have to pick some good news out of this?) is that we're fairly confident that due to the scale pattern on the tail, this is the shed skin of a non-venomous snake... so I suppose that's comforting. Then again, we're not exactly experts and this little bit of information doesn't get rid of the fact that a snake was sneaking through our living room in recent history.

The Mr. is being disturbingly calm about this whole situation, by the way. Like... he found the snake skin while I was at work, left it there, and then randomly that evening he just casually told me to go look behind the air purifier. Then he went back to whatever he was doing while I curled up into a ball of panic for the rest of the evening, just waiting to start hearing voices in the walls, telling me to "kill.... kill..."

Perhaps I should count my blessings, though, because I was just thinking to myself that nothing strange ever happens to me anymore.

Thanks, Universe. You always come through.


In other news, the very first (and only public) episode of Sunday Supdates is going up this weekend and I am so excited about it, so make sure you come back here Sunday night to watch! If you have no idea what I'm talking about, click here.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here

So... I'm screwed up, but in a cute way... right?

This week was a weird week and it involved a lot of panic attacks, which I won't dive into, but it also involved my friend, Sookie (not her real name, but she is the Sookie St James to my Lorelai Gilmore, so that is what she shall be called here), being lovely to me and wonderful in many ways, because last night, she felt the need to check in via text: Sookie: Mental health check.

Me: Me? I'm doing okay now. Watching Doctor Who with Mike. The dog seems back to his normal self (Did I tell you that I thought he was dying the other night?) and life feels good. You?

Sookie: I'm fine. What was wrong with Gio?

Me: I think he just had a bug. He wouldn't get off the couch or eat and I'm pretty sure he had a fever. And all the dogs that I've lost so far in my life have dropped very suddenly under similar circumstances, so I might have had a bit of a panic attack over the situation.... Thus proving that I'm not cut our for human children because I might care a little too furiously about the things I'm not biologically tied to.

Sookie: Oh that sounds awful!

Me: Yeah, it was fun. But I like to think that the level of screwed up I am is endearing.

Sookie: I completely agree. Your level of screwed up is very charming.