What Happens When I Promote Myself In New York City.

Hello Duckies! So, while I was in NYC being an adult of some type and making business connections within other bookish folks, I found myself having many versions of this conversation:

Boss: Emelie! I want you to meet So-and-So. S/he owns Such-and-Such Bookshop in Someplace, Somwhere.

Me: Oh, hi! I'm Emelie!

Boss: Emelie is my social media goddess.

Me: *Shuffles feet* Ha, yup! That's me. I do know the interwebs...

This would eventually lead to that person asking me what else I do, which is when I would tell them that I also write a blog, and my boss would be all "Emelie's blog is hilarious!" and I would silently think to myself "Buy this woman something awesome, because she's making me sound way more impressive than I am..." and then I would have to tell people all about my blog.

So, inevitably I would lead with "Yeah, I'm a really awkward and embarrassing person, so I write about it..." and then they would ask "Oh really? What's one of your favorite stories?" and I would just respond with "Oh, definitely the time my mom asked me for assless chaps for Christmas. That was a weird moment in my life." This would either get a laugh or the other person would choose to take their chance to pretend someone else had just called their name. I don't blame them.

Surprisingly, most people stuck around to hear more, though. One guy ended up finding out about my quest to get Jay-Z the Giant Metal Chicken and he was totally on board, which was awesome, since this guy is in his forties and somewhat of a professional person.

Me: Let me find you a picture of this chicken so that you will understand.

giantchicken

Guy: That is one hell of a giant chicken.

Me: I know! I must own him.

Guy: Oh, absolutely. How much does he cost?

Me: Well, the lady that has him at her store keeps telling me he's not for sale. I'm planning to stage a sit-in type of protest. I'll just sit on him until she agrees to sell him to me.

Guy: Oh, you could totally put a saddle on that thing and ride it around.

Me: Right?!? You totally get this.

He then started plotting with me to obtain Jay-Z, and it was awesome. So, I have plans again, duckies, I will keep you posted as they develop. The point is: I'm totally going to get Jay-Z the Giant Chicken and no one can stop me, thanks to this random guy at the dinner part in New York.

***

Speaking of books...

As some (maybe none?) of you might have noticed, I got rid of the Book Reviews portion of this blog.

DON'T PANIC. I'll probably be bringing it back in some fashion or another... I might even just start a separate blog for book reviews. I don't know yet. My thoughts aren't fully formed on the subject.

Yes, I will keep reading. I didn't stop reviewing because I'm finally coming out as illiterate, so don't start sending me charitable donations of Hooked on Phonics or anything.

So That Was Snow White's Secret: She Smoked Crack.

Duckies! It's me! For real this time! Oh, how I've missed you all. I'm actually still in NYC right now, but I'm heading to the airport in a few hours and I thought I'd crank out a post before I start traveling back to Ohio. (Yaaay...)

I had a blast on this trip, you guys. I saw tons of fascinating things and experienced the New York City heatwave like no other, but I think my favorite NYC moment was on Friday.

I was with my friend, who we will call "Darcy" since he looks and speaks just like Mr. Darcy circa Matthew MacFadyen in the 2005 Pride and Prejudice film:

Film Title: Pride and Prejudice.

Anyway, so Darcy and I were walking around the city in 90 degree weather and we decided to stop in one of the parks to sit down in some shade and just relax. I assumed we would only be there for about 20 minutes or so before we decided to continue on our exploration of the city. False.

Darcy and I share a love for many things, but among those things is people watching. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that New York City is fantastic for such an activity.

Let me paint this scene for you: Darcy and I sat on a bench. About fifty feet to our left and in front of us there was a jazz band starting to set up. About 20 feet to our right and in front of us was a man with wildly long, blond hair, wearing a black kimono robe that was open down to his waist, black pants, and I'm pretty sure he was barefoot.

Me: Oh, fun, a band! I hope their good...

Darcy: Ha, yeah... I can't stop watching this guy over here, though.

Me: I know! How old do you think he is? When I first saw him I was all 'Oh, cool, some hippie college kid', but now that I'm looking at him again, he looks like he's fifty...

Darcy: I know! Crazy.

Me: Yeah... okay, that sax player needs to find a different scale to play. I'm losing my excitement over this jazz band... OH. MY. GOSH.

Darcy: Is that dude.... yup. That guy is holding pigeons.

Me: This is the best thing I've ever seen in my entire life. One is sitting on his head!

Darcy: I definitely just saw that guy smoke crack.

Me: What?

Darcy: Yeah... He just brought something up to his face, hid it with his hand, inhaled a bunch, and then snuck whatever it was back in his pocket.

Me: ...Maybe it was his inhaler?

Darcy: ...No.

Me: ...Maybe it was...

Darcy: Crack?

Me: ...Yeah... He seems pretty nice, though.

Darcy: Yeah.

Me: Oh my gosh! He's showing those tourists how to hold pigeons!! Can I try??? Will you take a picture of me, please?

Darcy: Oh good lord, NO! All the diseases! Bird flu!

Me: Well, the pigeon guy seems fine!

Darcy: The crackhead?

Me: Yeah, but that's not bird flu! It's not like I'll contract some crackhead disease.

Darcy: Emelie, that guy probably has an immune system that you wouldn't believe.

Me: That's not the point! This is such a rare experience! Come on!

Darcy: Absolutely not.

Me: You are no fun.

Darcy: Sorry.

Me: When did the jazz band start playing? They're good!

Darcy: Oh, I don't know.. I was so distracted by the pigeon guy...

Me: Me too. Aw, someone scared his birds away... Poor Pigeon Man... Oh my gosh, did he just whistle? They're all flying back! This guy is insane!!

Darcy: Yes. Yes he is.

Me: Darcy, look. I'm so fascinated by this guy! He's just chilling on the bench, talking to some cyclist who probably sat down thinking "This seems like a normal place to take a break from my extremely hot bike ride. I'll relax here. Nobody will bother me." Little did he know... PIGEON MAN.

And then the best thing happened: A squirrel calmly approached Pigeon Man and crawled onto his shoulder, sat there for a bit before walking down Pigeon Man's arm, grabbing some food, and scampering away. 

Me: OH. MY. GOSH. I MUST LEARN THIS MAN'S WAYS.

Darcy: Okay, that was awesome. That squirrel was all "Oh hey, what's up? I'm just gonna chill with you for a second. No biggie."

Me: Can I hold a squirrel?

Darcy: No.

Me: Fine.

This went on for an hour until Darcy told me that we had to head back. I suppose I should be thanking Darcy for keeping me from contracting some crazy disease, but I'm still kind of bitter. I mean, how many people get that kind of a chance? YOLO, people. YOLO.