What Happens When I Promote Myself In New York City.

Hello Duckies! So, while I was in NYC being an adult of some type and making business connections within other bookish folks, I found myself having many versions of this conversation:

Boss: Emelie! I want you to meet So-and-So. S/he owns Such-and-Such Bookshop in Someplace, Somwhere.

Me: Oh, hi! I'm Emelie!

Boss: Emelie is my social media goddess.

Me: *Shuffles feet* Ha, yup! That's me. I do know the interwebs...

This would eventually lead to that person asking me what else I do, which is when I would tell them that I also write a blog, and my boss would be all "Emelie's blog is hilarious!" and I would silently think to myself "Buy this woman something awesome, because she's making me sound way more impressive than I am..." and then I would have to tell people all about my blog.

So, inevitably I would lead with "Yeah, I'm a really awkward and embarrassing person, so I write about it..." and then they would ask "Oh really? What's one of your favorite stories?" and I would just respond with "Oh, definitely the time my mom asked me for assless chaps for Christmas. That was a weird moment in my life." This would either get a laugh or the other person would choose to take their chance to pretend someone else had just called their name. I don't blame them.

Surprisingly, most people stuck around to hear more, though. One guy ended up finding out about my quest to get Jay-Z the Giant Metal Chicken and he was totally on board, which was awesome, since this guy is in his forties and somewhat of a professional person.

Me: Let me find you a picture of this chicken so that you will understand.


Guy: That is one hell of a giant chicken.

Me: I know! I must own him.

Guy: Oh, absolutely. How much does he cost?

Me: Well, the lady that has him at her store keeps telling me he's not for sale. I'm planning to stage a sit-in type of protest. I'll just sit on him until she agrees to sell him to me.

Guy: Oh, you could totally put a saddle on that thing and ride it around.

Me: Right?!? You totally get this.

He then started plotting with me to obtain Jay-Z, and it was awesome. So, I have plans again, duckies, I will keep you posted as they develop. The point is: I'm totally going to get Jay-Z the Giant Chicken and no one can stop me, thanks to this random guy at the dinner part in New York.


Speaking of books...

As some (maybe none?) of you might have noticed, I got rid of the Book Reviews portion of this blog.

DON'T PANIC. I'll probably be bringing it back in some fashion or another... I might even just start a separate blog for book reviews. I don't know yet. My thoughts aren't fully formed on the subject.

Yes, I will keep reading. I didn't stop reviewing because I'm finally coming out as illiterate, so don't start sending me charitable donations of Hooked on Phonics or anything.

So That Was Snow White's Secret: She Smoked Crack.

Duckies! It's me! For real this time! Oh, how I've missed you all. I'm actually still in NYC right now, but I'm heading to the airport in a few hours and I thought I'd crank out a post before I start traveling back to Ohio. (Yaaay...)

I had a blast on this trip, you guys. I saw tons of fascinating things and experienced the New York City heatwave like no other, but I think my favorite NYC moment was on Friday.

I was with my friend, who we will call "Darcy" since he looks and speaks just like Mr. Darcy circa Matthew MacFadyen in the 2005 Pride and Prejudice film:

Film Title: Pride and Prejudice.

Anyway, so Darcy and I were walking around the city in 90 degree weather and we decided to stop in one of the parks to sit down in some shade and just relax. I assumed we would only be there for about 20 minutes or so before we decided to continue on our exploration of the city. False.

Darcy and I share a love for many things, but among those things is people watching. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that New York City is fantastic for such an activity.

Let me paint this scene for you: Darcy and I sat on a bench. About fifty feet to our left and in front of us there was a jazz band starting to set up. About 20 feet to our right and in front of us was a man with wildly long, blond hair, wearing a black kimono robe that was open down to his waist, black pants, and I'm pretty sure he was barefoot.

Me: Oh, fun, a band! I hope their good...

Darcy: Ha, yeah... I can't stop watching this guy over here, though.

Me: I know! How old do you think he is? When I first saw him I was all 'Oh, cool, some hippie college kid', but now that I'm looking at him again, he looks like he's fifty...

Darcy: I know! Crazy.

Me: Yeah... okay, that sax player needs to find a different scale to play. I'm losing my excitement over this jazz band... OH. MY. GOSH.

Darcy: Is that dude.... yup. That guy is holding pigeons.

Me: This is the best thing I've ever seen in my entire life. One is sitting on his head!

Darcy: I definitely just saw that guy smoke crack.

Me: What?

Darcy: Yeah... He just brought something up to his face, hid it with his hand, inhaled a bunch, and then snuck whatever it was back in his pocket.

Me: ...Maybe it was his inhaler?

Darcy: ...No.

Me: ...Maybe it was...

Darcy: Crack?

Me: ...Yeah... He seems pretty nice, though.

Darcy: Yeah.

Me: Oh my gosh! He's showing those tourists how to hold pigeons!! Can I try??? Will you take a picture of me, please?

Darcy: Oh good lord, NO! All the diseases! Bird flu!

Me: Well, the pigeon guy seems fine!

Darcy: The crackhead?

Me: Yeah, but that's not bird flu! It's not like I'll contract some crackhead disease.

Darcy: Emelie, that guy probably has an immune system that you wouldn't believe.

Me: That's not the point! This is such a rare experience! Come on!

Darcy: Absolutely not.

Me: You are no fun.

Darcy: Sorry.

Me: When did the jazz band start playing? They're good!

Darcy: Oh, I don't know.. I was so distracted by the pigeon guy...

Me: Me too. Aw, someone scared his birds away... Poor Pigeon Man... Oh my gosh, did he just whistle? They're all flying back! This guy is insane!!

Darcy: Yes. Yes he is.

Me: Darcy, look. I'm so fascinated by this guy! He's just chilling on the bench, talking to some cyclist who probably sat down thinking "This seems like a normal place to take a break from my extremely hot bike ride. I'll relax here. Nobody will bother me." Little did he know... PIGEON MAN.

And then the best thing happened: A squirrel calmly approached Pigeon Man and crawled onto his shoulder, sat there for a bit before walking down Pigeon Man's arm, grabbing some food, and scampering away. 


Darcy: Okay, that was awesome. That squirrel was all "Oh hey, what's up? I'm just gonna chill with you for a second. No biggie."

Me: Can I hold a squirrel?

Darcy: No.

Me: Fine.

This went on for an hour until Darcy told me that we had to head back. I suppose I should be thanking Darcy for keeping me from contracting some crazy disease, but I'm still kind of bitter. I mean, how many people get that kind of a chance? YOLO, people. YOLO.