Because this is my life now.

So remember how back in October I moved from Suburbia to Stars Hollow? (It's true. I accidentally moved to the town that played a part as an inspiration for my favorite show, Gilmore Girls.) To refresh your memory, I grew up on the equivalent of Wisteria Lane (with slightly less drama and murder) and then at the age of 23 decided to kiss it all goodbye and left my 3/4 acre yard in the dust and relocated here:

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That is my yard now. See that white dot at the bottom of the hill? That's where I eat, sleep, and read.

So a fun fact about this area is that we don't have cell phone service in most places. It's not really a big deal because I have wi-fi and a landline, so it's not like I'm cut off from the world or anything.

Until my phone/internet goes down out of nowhere like it did yesterday.

I figured it was some weird glitch at first, and decided to just go outside and read for a bit and then come back in to see if it had started working again later. Because, you know, technology heals itself.

When that didn't work, I went through the normal procedure first, which was to go downstairs, unplug the router, wait 30 seconds, plug it back in aaaaaaand.... nothin'.

Alright, fine. Let's unplug the router and the modem!

...

Nothin'.

So... I grabbed my cell phone, found the number for customer service, and started hiking up that hill you see pictured above. About halfway up is when you'll probably get one bar, maybe two if it's a clear day, so that is where I set up camp.

After fighting with the robot lady for a while (who kept asking me to say things that I didn't feel like saying), she finally informed me that if I didn't like her, I could say "AGENT" at any time and a real human would be along to assist me. So, I said "AGENT" in my best Liam Neeson voice, which I'm assuming instilled some amount of fear in the robot lady because she didn't even say goodbye. She just stopped in the middle of her sentence and then there was an awkward silence, eventually followed by the sound of the phone ringing. Conclusion? I intimidate robots.

CS: Thank you for calling customer service, this is Lauren, how can I help you?

Me: Hi, Lauren, my name's Emelie. My internet and phone have been down for about an hour now and I was curious as to whether or not you could help with that?

Lauren: Oh, well I am just so sorry to hear that, Emelie, can I have the main phone number on the account?

Me: Sure.

Lauren: Okay... did you try unplugging the router and plugging it back in?

Me: ... yes.

Lauren: Okay... Can you tell me which lights are blinking on the modem?

Me: Well... here's where our situation becomes interesting, Lauren. I live in The Land of Noooo Cell Phone Service, which most of the time is actually quite magical, but in this instance is a little annoying, so I'm actually standing halfway up a giant hill behind my house right now in order to be able to speak with you. I can tell you which lights I think I remember being on when I plugged the modem in half an hour ago?

Lauren: Hm... well... the thing is that from the looks of things on my end, you're online and everything is fine. Could you do me a favor and just pick up your landline and test it out for me?

Me: ... I could.... but that is also in the house, so... it would be a few minutes... because I'd have to run back to the house... but I can tell you that it wasn't working right before I walked up here.

Lauren: Yeah.... I don't think we have any other option.

So... I begrudgingly set my phone down in the middle of the grass and ran down the hill. I got into my house and picked up my phone and WHAT DO YOU KNOW IT'S FRICKIN' WORKING.

I glared at the phone for a second before I remembered Lauren, who was still waiting for me on the hillside.

So I ran back up the hill, which was great, because I'm totally in great shape and running up steep hillsides is like... all I ever want to do.

Me (breathing heavily): Lauren?

Lauren: Yup!

Me: It's...working... now...

Lauren: Yeah, I told you everything looked fine...

Me: I swear... I'm not... crazy.

Lauren: Nah, sometimes glitches happen. I'll make a note on your account in case this ever happens again. Also did you know that we offer a free service to all our ---

At that moment two GIANT TRACTORS came bumping down the hill behind me OUT OF EFFING NOWHERE.

Me: Uh... Lauren, I'm gonna have to cut you off... there are large mechanical devices coming at me now because this is where I live. Thanks so much for all your help!

So I back out of the way and let the tractors (WHO ARE THEY AND WHAT DO THEY WANT??) go past me, waving politely as if to be all "Oh, don't mind us, we're just a couple of TRACTORS hanging out in your yard." It was then that I realized that I didn't in fact intimidate the robot lady on the phone, but instead I clearly INFURIATED her and now her army was descending upon me. I'VE SEEN THE DOCUMENTARY, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, AND I KNOW HOW THIS ENDS.

I should clarify: There were men driving these tractors. The tractors were not speaking to me or waving at me because that would be insane, and as much as I totally wish I lived in a world where farm animals and equipment could talk, I don't take the drugs for that.

The second guy driving the tractor stopped suddenly and turned around.

Me: How's it going?

Tractor guy: You should watch out for poison ivy around here!

I looked down at my ballet flats and looked back up.

Me: Oh... yeah. Thanks!

Because, you know, poison ivy was my concern at this point. The two random men on tractors in my yard? Those are, apparently, totally normal.

So, I ran back down the hill, waving goodbye to the tractors as they drove away, and just as I got inside, my phone rings. Obviously.

Me: Hello?

Boss's husband: Emelie! What are you doing around 4?

Me: Um... Nothing. What do you  need?

Boss's husband: We need some help. Feel like baling some hay at our farm?

Me: Oh... sure. That seems like a skill I should acquire at this point.

Boss's husband: Great! See you in a few hours.

So...that was my Sunday. What did you do?

 

Saying Goodbye to Suburbia

So, as many of you know, I am moving to Stars Hollow, CT tomorrow. TOMORROW. 

I'M FREAKING THE FRACK OUT, DUCKIES. 

And I'm totally ready.

These past few days have been full of roller coaster-like emotions about the fact that I'm leaving Suburbia. As ready as I am to move away, this town is where I grew up. It's where I made my first friends, where I had my first kiss, where I broke my leg, where I got my first job... almost all of my firsts happened within these five square miles.

Last night I had drinks with some of the women I worked with at the bookshop for the past five and a half years. Those women, outside of my actual family, practically raised me. They've known me since I was a teenager and they've seen me change and blossom into the bizarre lady that I am today. In fact... they had a lot to do with me becoming that bizarre lady. I don't know why I keep referring to myself as a "lady." I'm certainly not a woman. Oh gosh... I'm so close to unintentionally quoting Brittany Spears lyrics right now. I need to get off this ramble train.

My point is that I'm going to miss those women so much it hurts. Without them, I wouldn't be brave or crazy enough to do what I'm doing. Hell, I'd probably be working some corporate job right now if it wasn't for those ladies... Can you imagine me in an office?

...I know. I'm scared, too...

I'm going to miss just about everything about this town, but I am more than excited to head out and start this tiny adventure of mine. Suburbia has been an amazing place to grow up.

And... to pay tribute to the town, I leave you with one last snip-it from the Suburbia police blotter. Get ready for some drama, duckies:

LOST PLATE RETURNED TO OWNER

A license plate which had fallen off a vehicle was found on October 7th in a parking lot.

The plate was turned in by another driver. Police located the owner of the plate. The plate was... RETURNED. 

DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNNNNN.

SCREAMS IN THE NIGHT ILLICIT A FRIGHT 

(I'm serious, duckies... they went with a rhyme for this one.)

A Suburbia resident told police on October 8th around 11:30 p.m. that it sounded like "someone or something" was screaming across the street from their home. 

Nothing was found.

Yes, folks, in a dramatic turn of events, the Suburbia police found nothing. I'm assuming this means ghosts were roaming the premises. Okay, on second thought, this one is kind of creepy, but only if there was SOMETHING found... Like a scarf... of a girl who died 30 years ago... Or a child's shoe... the left one... from a girl who died 30 years ago... Okay, now I'm gonna give myself nightmares. Dead little girls scare me.

FRESHLY PLANTED TREE PILFERED

Police were called October 9th just before 3 p.m. by the president of a Suburbia homeowners association who reported that someone had stolen a newly planted tree. The tree was valued at $300. 

Okay... So I have a lot of questions about this one. Am I supposed to be on the lookout for the missing tree? If so, I need more information. What kind of tree was it? How tall? They didn't even provide a picture!! Also, does this mean that when I see guys with shovels in the middle of the night, I should no longer assume that they are burying dead bodies, but instead just playing Arbor Day-related jokes? And if THAT'S the case, can we please remind them that it's October??? It's not even proper tree-planting season! Maybe THAT'S why they stole the tree, Mr. Homeowner's Association President. Maybe they're just tree vigilantes who are trying to tell you NOT TO PLANT TREES IN FREAKING OCTOBER. GOSH.

We should thank these men or women. They're saving a tree's life.

Ah... I really am going to miss this town.

 

Do You Guys Think There Are Gardening Gangs? I Think There Are Gardening Gangs.

Happy Monday, Duckies!! So.... I have news.

I'm moving!! I'm leaving Suburbia, Ohio and heading off to "Stars Hollow" in Connecticut to fulfill my dream of becoming a Gilmore Girl! Now the only thing holding me back is that I didn't get pregnant when I was 16 and I'm not working in an inn, but still. One step closer.

But seriously.... I'm moving to the town that was the inspiration for Stars Hollow.... so that's pretty damn awesome.

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So, I don't move until the end of October, but I'm already getting a little nostalgic... like... I wonder what the police blotters will be like in Stars Hollow. I hope they're as good as they are in Suburbia....

Shrubs Stolen

A Suburbia Lane resident said Sept. 22nd that someone removed several shrubs from their yard overnight.

I'm so thankful I'm leaving this crime-infested area, you guys. The stress and terror that Gio and I have been under from being constantly worried that there is someone around every corner just waiting with some hedge-clippers or shovels... to sabotage my yard!!!

Oh, the horror!

It Was Either Murder... Or a Really Disappointing Birthday...

Okay, so I had to share this with you guys. As many of you know, I live in Suburbia. The crime rate here is pretty darn low. Well, every now and again something weird pops up among the sprinkling of noise complaints and DUI's (or as they're now referred to as "OVI's", which I think sounds way too much like "ova" and then I'm even more grossed out by drunk drivers...), like someone will murder his wife with a baseball bat in the garage and then call the cops on himself, but that's a real rarity. Usually, the cops are pretty bored.

I figure that they have to get a good laugh sometimes, though, because when I read the police blotter in our town, I can't help but burst into a fit of giggles.

For example, I read this one the other day:

A caller told police on Saturday around 3:30 pm

that a black garbage bag on Suburbia Road, near the railroad tracks,

appeared to contain a "human torso."

Police found the bag, which contained balloons.

Okay, let's break this down here for a second. This caller obviously must have seen this bag, and not from a far distance, either, to assume that it had a human torso (not a whole body, people, just THE TORSO) in it. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but human torsos weigh a lot more than balloons, right? I'm not making that up, am I?

So here's what I'm picturing... the caller sees this bag of Human Torso and is all "OH MY GOD, DEAD BODIES!" so they call the cops. The cops are probably like "OH FINALLY!! DEAD BODIES IN SUBURBIA!" and then they rush over to the railroad tracks to be all "WE HAVE A MURDER CASE PEOPLE!!"

The caller is probably all "I'VE SEEN DEXTER! I KNOW WHAT TORSOS IN GARBAGE BAGS LOOK LIKE! I'M A HERO!!!"

And then the police arrive at the railroad tracks. They see the bag. They're getting ready to block off the area as a crime scene - one of them even has his roll of yellow caution tape at the ready, and he's getting antsy.

With his gun drawn, one of the police officers starts inching towards this bag. Just then, a gentle breeze comes through and the bag starts to glide towards him.

EVERYONE SCREAMS!!! GHOST TORSO!!! NOOOOOO!

They all begin to shoot at the bag and that's when they hear the popping, and they see the garbage bag, now full of bullet holes, start to deflate.

One of the police officers is all "Aw man! You guys, it's just a freakin' bag of balloons..." And then all the cops get super sad and mosey on back to their cop cars to go back to the station and pout. The eager guy with the caution tape starts rolling it all back up again, and everyone is sad.

Okay, so there's a distinct possibility that this is not at all what happened, but I'm only going off of what they told us in the police blotter, so I have to fill in a lot of the holes, you guys, and I'm pretty sure that my scenario is definitely the most likely one, so...

Also, I think I've found my true calling for writing anti-climactic crime television.