My Letter to Toby Keith

So, John Hamm and I are spending this weekend in Virginia with Apollo (because he has no friends and we needed to come out here and cheer him up/wing-girl for him friendship style). The very first thing we did after showing up at his apartment and having a beer was to go out to dinner.

We ended up at Toby Keith's I <3 This Bar & Grill.

Yep. Toby Keith's I <3 This Bar & Grill is a Country Hooters.

It didn't take us long to figure it out. We walked in and girls in slutty halloween costumes were holding the doors open for us and welcoming us. We sat down in the booth and ordered our beers, which were brought to us in mason jars:

So, on top of all that, country music was (obviously) blaring, but it wasn't just Toby Keith. However, televisions were literally EVERYWHERE, and more than half of them were playing all of Toby Keith's music videos on repeat. All of these were muted, though, so none of them made any sense, but I was so mesmerized... not by the lack of comprehensible story lines, but by this:

Anyway, eventually the beer got to me, and I felt the need to write a letter to Toby Keith.

My Dear Toby,

I was a patron in your bar and grill today and I have a few things that I feel compelled to point out some things to you:

A) You have quite the mullet. 

B) Your music videos make no sense when there is no sound. I cannot speak for their comprehensive plot lines when accompanied by sound, so maybe I need to do some further research, but I'm just going with what you provided me with here.

C) Did you just feel like Hooters didn't have enough of you, Toby? Is this your way of fulfilling your desire to be in multiple Hooters at all times? 

D)Okay, the bathrooms were kind of cool. I did enjoy washing my hands in a stainless steel horse trough. Not gonna lie. 

       E) None of this has anything to do with your music, darling - this is all solely about your restaurant, so please don't get offended. I think your love songs addressed to red solo cups are simply riveting - tear jerking, even. They unify party goers all over America. 

I guess all I'm really saying is that I strangely did <3 your bar and grill - in that strange way where I felt perplexed and fascinated the entire time I was there, and in the end, isn't that what you wanted? Leave an impression, make sure everyone has a story to tell, let them leave with memories. You accomplished all of these things. The weird thing? I'm not even denying that I'll ever go back... This may become a Virginian tradition... 


A Proud American.

P.S. I was tempted to steal the mason jar, but then I realized it was a freaking mason jar and those are everywhere. Clever, sir. Very clever.