Apparently I Can Eat A Lot... Including the Dead.

So... I'm a nerd. WHAAAAAT? I know. Shocking, what with all the times that I've told  you to watch Battlestar Galactica and Doctor Who... or made you vote on which Harry Potter phone case I should buy... you never saw this whole nerd thing coming.

But it's true, duckies. Underneath my super trendy exterior... I'm a nerd.

Which is why it's weird that I went to a baseball game yesterday with my other nerd friends.

We found it best to just think of it like a giant board game. It helped.

Okay, so let me explain how we even found ourselves here:

My one friend is moving away this week, and as a going away gift, someone in his office game him four tickets to the game. They weren't just four tickets, though. They were club seats.

So, I knew that this was nice, but I didn't totally grasp how awesome it was until I was getting my wristband from a security guard as she said "Everything except the alcohol is free. Enjoy the game!"

Yeah, that's right, fellow nerds, FREE FOOD AND DRINKS ALL AROUND. We immediately devised a plan: To collectively eat at least $250 worth of food, which in a stadium should not be that difficult, let's be honest.

This is basically how my day went: Nachos. Baseball. Pretzel. Baseball. Pizza. Baseball. Snowcones. Baseball. Peanuts! Baseball. Ice Cream. Baseball. More nachos. More baseball. Rinse and repeat.

It was glorious.

And then we went out for dinner.

Which is why I'm a champion. A very nerdy champion.

After all that, we went home and played actual nerdy board games to reground ourselves. This was especially awesome, because in this particular game I was a Cyber Bunny who earned the title of  the "Even Bigger Canabalistic Urbavore Eater of the Dead," which in my opinion is way cooler than "Pitcher."

Just saying.

Also, go buy and play King of Tokyo. Right now. It's like Yatzee, but with monsters. In Tokyo.

 

And Then I Played LIFE and Became a Drug-Addicted Superstar with a Killing Problem.

So, here it is, FINALLY. My Game of Life Story. If you missed the past two posts, go check them out, but here's a basic recap: When I play the Game of Life, I make everyone write their "Life" story during the game. It usually turns out hilarious. Especially when wine is involved.

I was also a blue dude for this game, so get ready.

Meet Emelio, duckies.

Coming from nothing, I got a part-time job as a nude model on campus to pay my way through college. Through this lucrative career, I met many exciting friends. They took my innocence in many ways and eventually convinced me to blow all my earnings on a trip to Miami Beach. This was serendipitous, however, because it was here that I was discovered my MTV and was reborn a star!

I became an auto-tuned sensation, just like Ricky Martin! I was livin' la vida loca!!

One day, though, my driver got lost while we were on tour, and I missed a huge concert. Rumors spread that I was dead - or even on drugs! My reputation was destroyed! So, I had my driver killed.

Some say that I was drunk on power (but not alcohol, and that's the important part!), but the media knows nothing. Gerald deserved it!!

Anyway, I was checked into rehab.

Somehow, they found many illegal substances in my system. I WAS FRAMED! I SWEAR!

After my time at "High Today, Not Tomorrow" I went on an anti-drug tour and gained my stardom back. It was exhausting (especially without cocaine).

But then... came the day... of the Flat Tire.

Because of the withdrawals I was experiencing from being falsely accused of using drugs, I couldn't handle the stress... so... I killed the new driver.

While hiding the body, I met a woman who offered to help. Clearly, she was the woman of my dreams. They say that you know someone truly loves you when they help you hide dead bodies without questions, right?

Her name was Penelope and she had hair like Cher. I married her on the spot, since we were in a church cemetery anyway.

Things headed south again soon, though... While booking our honeymoon, the travel agent, Frances, stole my identity! I'll admit to being drunk/high at the time and essentially just giving her my salary. This was not wise since I was living a comfortable life with a 90k salary... and Frances was making only 30k.

Due to this dramatic change in finances, Penelope decided it was time to buy a house in the country and start leading a more quiet life.

Then we had a baby! We named him Henry!

Things were really starting to turn around! Being a family man was the greatest thing in the world for me! In fact, I impregnated Penelope again almost immediately after Henry was born! Since Penelope was so fertile, we named our new baby girl Myrtle. Get it?

When little Myrtle was born, we too the family for a charming picnic. I signed some autographs, but trouble arose when I saw my old dealer!

So, I packed the whole family up and took us to Mount Rushmore. Obviously.

The trip was so romantic in Penelope's eyes that we got pregnant AGAIN! Jesus was born! Now that I was a father 3 times over, I thought I should learn CPR. So I did.

Penelope wanted to travel more, so we went on an African Safari for our 1 year anniversary. We still had Frances as our travel agent... Some say that this was not wise, but my sponsor was trying to get me to practice forgiveness, so...

On this trip, I wrote my memoirs, which topped the charts! People found my story to be extremely moving and full of hope. Not only was the book a huge success, but it brought light to Frances' crimes and I got my salary back!

Finally, life was exactly how it should be! We didn't let it get to us, though. We still had our family game nights, went hiking, helped the homeless, built better mouse traps, climbed Mount Everest, invented a new toy that made millions.... I even continued writing and wrote the Great American Novel (critics say) and won the Pulitzer Prize! As if that wasn't enough, I ended up finding the solution to pollution, won the Nobel Peace Prize, and now I'm in retirement, but I managed to open a Health Food Chain in order to promote a better lifestyle for everyone.

Stay classy, my friends, and never give up!

 

The Saddest Game of Life Story EVER.

Okay, so I'm really sorry that I didn't post yesterday... and that I basically fell off the face of the planet all weekend, in fact. I basically slept all day yesterday because I was feeling like death after having probably sustained a concussion from swimming face first into a pool ladder at full speed. I am a champion.

Anyway, I think I'm back from the dead now, so yay!

While I was dying, however, I played an intense game of Life.

Most people play the way that the rules tell them to, but I like to add a couple other elements to the game. Because I'm a writer, I make everyone grab a piece of paper and a pen and they have to write their LIFE story while they play. I also make you close your eyes when picking your people because it's a modern world and why not? Anyway... the stories that my friends and I came up with were hilarious (there may have been wine involved) so I thought I'd share them with you.

We'll start with "Colin's". I'm warning you that it gets a little dark... like American Psycho dark...

I was born in the driver's seat of a station wagon. After a mediocre childhood, I end up in College State University. I spend most of my time studying, not living my life. I graduated and wait to find out what degree it was. My mediocre life has added a new and exciting chapter as an accountant!

I spend all of my time at work, earning a comfortable 100k every payday. Luckily, with no wife or husband or children, I can work to the top of  the A+Counting Accounting firm. I spend all of my spare time running and perfecting my body, and I end up winning a marathon easily. I live for my work and I'm becoming more lonely. I do sit-ups every morning. I'm up to 1,000!

My mother, Agatha, set me up with a boring woman, Dierdra. We got married. I just turned 18. She seems happy, but I don't care much for her. We moved to Ivor City where the kids do drungs and the fire hydrants freeze. I won the lottery and told everyone I met! People love my stories.

We recently bought a farm house because Dierdra loves the space. I detest the sun and space. At least there are no neighbors.

Unfortunately, Dierdra became with child and birthed little Esther. She is very dumb and keeps me awake. I didn't learn my lesson, though, because my wife became pregnant again. As proof that an angry god exists, it is twins.

I am now a family man and I tell everyone at work how proud I am of Chutney and Betsy. Instead of buying TV's to poison the kids' minds, we got check-ups. Unfortunately, Besty has leukemia. Not much time left. I am surprised by how often I cry in bed at night. No one at work knows of her illness.

A tree fell on my house during a storm, but life goes on. I fulfilled my civic duty and voted for Ron Paul, whoo ha cherry soday!

Life is moving quickly and I am richer than ever. I've started breaking into cars for excitement. I'm taking tennis lessons to cover it up.

I am also a talented tennis player and play with my boss from time to time. I let him win.

I stole an unpublished book out of a car and took credit for it. I just made my first million!

I also began competing in amateur regattas with my new sailboat. The kids moved to college, only the best in the world. We keep Besty's ashes in the car when we move them in. My wife made me remove the tattoo on my ass. I'm growing so tired of her non-stop talking.

I was threatened by a sad foreign man named Emelio for having collected his taxes. I used most of his money to pay for my horse's jockey. We lost by one length and I had his life ruined.

After climbing up the ladder of success, my wife suggested strongly that I retire. I am left in a cold house with my terrible wife, with 2 kids who don't care for me and never call... and an urn filled with Betsy.

When I'm down, though, I just remember my other accomplishments. In chronological order, I:

  • Cured the common cold.
  • Won the Humanitarian Award - how funny!
  • Found a new energy source.
  • Became President.
  • Ran a world-record mile.
  • Invented a new sport.
  • Painted a masterpiece.
  • Invented a new ice cream flavor.

And that, my friends, is the saddest LIFE story ever. I'm looking into therapy for Colin.

Anyway, see you tomorrow with part 2 of our Game of Life stories! The other two are way more upbeat! I promise!