And Then My Mom Gave Me "Medical" Advice.

So, last night I was wearing a skirt while a few of us were sitting outside on the patio, drinking some wine and enjoying a fire. It was actually quite a lovely evening, especially since it was the first time in weeks that it wasn't 90 degrees in the shade. Anyway, not the point.

Like I said, I was wearing a skirt. There were tons of mosquitos, so I grabbed some bug spray and covered myself. Like a normal human being, however, I didn't spray up my skirt. This might have been my first mistake.

Now, before you all start getting gross, no I don't have bug bites on my hooch. Get your minds out of that gutter.

do, however, have a shit-ton of bug bites on the back of my upper thigh.

THIS. IS. UNBEARABLE. You should know right now that I'm not one of those people who is all "Just don't itch it! Ignore it!" I'm more of a "GOOD GOD GET ME SOME STEAL WOOL TO GO AT THIS BABY" type of person.

I discovered this terrible case of awful this morning, when I woke up and was all "WHAT THE ACTUAL FRAK?!"

I stayed with my parents last night, so I came downstairs and was all "MOOOOMMMM!!!" because even when you're a grown-ass adult, you revert back to your childlike ways when staying in your childhood home.

Anyway, I showed my mom the archipelago of itchy terror that had formed on my body...

Mom: Good lord!!

Me: Is it bad?

Mom: What did you do?!?

Me: I don't know! Apparently bugs find me delicious...

Mom: Oh my gosh...

Me: Stop saying that!!

Mom: Let me go get some cream or something...

Me: Hurry... I can actually see them changing back and forth from red to white... What if I'm infected with some mutation? Mom!! I could be a superhero!!

No response.

Mom: Okay, put this on there. Seriously, what the heck did this?

Me: I don't know.

Mom: Did that help with the itching?

Me: Yeah, I think so...

Mom: Okay, well just keep an eye on it.

Me: How? It's not exactly in an easy location.

Mom: Well... every once in a while, just spread your legs and have a look.

Me: ...You really need to start thinking before you speak.