Why Bunnies Are Assholes - A Sequel

So, I've been giving this whole "Bunnies are Assholes" thing a lot of thought ever since my post about how forest creatures are freeloading off of me and stealing all my food. I began to analyze all the famous bunnies, and I've come to a simple decision: All bunnies are assholes.

  • Peter Rabbit/Cottontail: This rabbit never listened to his mother. I mean, every kid goes through a trouble-making phase, but Peter is something else. Not to mention, he's a garden thief! Asshole.
  • Little Bunny Foo-Foo: Okay, what the heck is up with people and this guy? He runs around picking up field mice and bopping them on the head! He's a murderer! Why do we teach children this song? I deem this famous bunny: Asshole.
  • Rabbit from Winnie-the-Pooh: Total asshole. Rabbit is always pissed off and being a control freak! The one thing he does have going for him in my book is that he grows his own damn garden. Still... Asshole.
  • The Trix Rabbit: Gah! What an f-ing jerk! He's running around stealing cereal from children!! That's a whole new level of food thievery! Asshole!
  • Br'er Rabbit: He spends all of his time tricking people and being a general jerk. Asshole.
  • Frank from Donnie Darko:

Enough. Fracking. Said.

  • The Energizer Bunny: Just stop moving! You asshole.

All I'm saying is that there is a serious trend here, you guys. A serious trend.

Bunnies Are Evil and They're Robbing Me Blind.

Okay, so I have to go off on a rant here. Some mother-effing critters, like bunnies or chipmunks or something else annoyingly adorable, are eating my vegetables, and I am PISSED.

Normally, I'm an extremely animal friendly person. I'm a vegetarian for many reasons, one of those being that I love animals too much to eat them.

I want to kill these jerks.

I'm growing my vegetable garden for a very specific purpose: TO EAT.

I'm broke as hell right now, and that garden is my source of food. I paid for those plants and now these free-loading Disney forest creatures are stealing my food. I bought these plants. I want to eat them.

So, anyway, I've been looking up all these different ways to keep these evil a-holes away from my garden, but everything is expensive, and I'm too poor to go buy any garden fencing, which I'm pretty sure these guys can jump over or chew through, and I don't want to buy spray stuff, because don't want to put chemicals all over my vegetables, because I don't want to eat chemical veggies, because that's gross and slightly terrifying.

So, everyone on the Internet is all "just pee on it!" which I seriously considered doing. Apparently it's that whole "marking your territory" idea. Don't ask me why I didn't apply the same logic I had about chemicals to pee, but for some reason I was in a "that's natural" mode.

So I texted Gumby at 9:30 in the morning.

Me: Will you come over and pee on my garden?

Gumby: That's the weirdest sexual innuendo I've ever heard... and good morning.

So that was a bust.

Also, ew.

So then someone else was all "Why would you want pee on your vegetables?" and I was all "Well, I figure you can wash it off" but then it dawned on me that the pee will soak into the soil, and that soil is what feeds my plants, and then I'm going to have food that is just laced with pee, and that's just unacceptable.

So... now I'm trying to figure out what the heck I can do, because these bunnies keep eating my cucumbers and my squash, which were supposed to be pretty integral parts of my meals this summer.

Someone mentioned that maybe using spicy stuff in my garden would help, like sprinkling cayenne pepper or tabasco sauce all over my garden would deter these jerks from coming back to my garden.

Does this work? Help. I really don't want to go spend money on cayenne pepper only to find out that bunnies freaking love cayenne pepper.

I also really don't want to become a bunny murderer.