Mind Over Bladder.

Customers often come into the bookshop asking to order a book they just heard about on NPR or on TV, and because our job is to sell stories, we often end up in long conversations with these customers about the things we've read or learned. 

And sometimes I walk away from these conversations unable to stop thinking about them.

Or really having to pee. 

Yesterday a woman came in after having heard about a study that a group from a prestigious university about the differences between European brains and American brains and apparently they found that European brains are way healthier and way less likely to develop alzheimers or dementia. 

I feel like at this point I should tell you two things:

  1. I was not actually a participant in this conversation. I just eavesdropped on it from my desk about 25 feet away. 
  2. I did absolutely ZERO research to find out if what this woman was saying was correct, but she was mega confident, friends, so... I went with it. 

Okay, so now that that's been covered, here's the rest of the story...

The other customer that my co-worker was chatting with asked if this study mentioned what they thought the cause was.

Study Lady: Well, yeah, diet. Mainly their water intake. 

Lady 2 + Co-worker: Mmmm yessss of course.

Study Lady: They actually drink the amount of water that we're supposed to be drinking and most Americans barely drink any water in comparison. When you think about it, you don't just need to hydrate your body, but you need to hydrate your brain, too... and most people don't realize that caffeine actually dehydrates you, so tea or coffee doesn't count.

Lady 2 + Co-worker: Well, of course. 

Me: 

Y'all. I drink almost exclusively COFFEE. 

And before you freak out, I'm not an idiot. I knew before this moment that wasn't the best health choice in the world, but I was always defending it because it helped me be me. It kept my energy up and made me all sunshiny and happy. In other words, IT WAS GOOD FOR MY BRAIN. 

And if there's one thing that terrifies me, it's losing control of my mind. 

So, without hesitating, I went into the back room, grabbed the water bottle that I bring with me to work to pretend I'm a healthy person, but never actually used, and STARTED CHUGGING. 

And I continued to drink water (in addition to coffee - I'm not a monster) all day. 

Which means that I had to pee. 


ALL.

DAY.

At this point, my memory will be amazing, but it will ONLY CONSIST OF BATHROOMS. 

But still, I'm determined to better myself based on this anecdotal evidence that water will keep me from scrambling my brain. 

I'm not giving up coffee - as I said, I'm not a monster - but I am going to legitimately try and consume at least 64oz of water a day. 

And who knows? Maybe this means I'll have a strong mind... and an even stronger bladder? 

Plus, this could turn into a whole travel blog series: Bathrooms Critiques by Emelie. After all, I'll be spending most of my time in them now. 

What about you? Do you feel like you drink enough water? Do you make major life changes based on information you overheard someone who probably has no qualifications or scientific background say? 

Tell me in the comments below, because I really have to pee, so I need to stop writing this blog post! 

It's a Christmas Miracle! ...of sorts.

This morning The Mr woke me up by tossing a cardboard box onto my body. I know what you're thinking: Romance has never felt more alive.

But it was actually exciting because it was my StitchFix subscription (not an ad). A box full of cute clothes so that I can trick people into thinking I have it all together and I'm not a slob who wears the same thing every day.... although, why is that a bad thing? If I have a cool piece of clothing, why am I not hip for wearing it multiple times? Doesn't that just mean that I'm good at taking care of my clothes and responsible with my money and also kinder to the environment because I'm not buying as much stuff all the time? WHY ARE OUR SOCIAL NORMS SO WEIRD?!

Ahem. I digress.

Because while it was all "yay! Clothes!" The Mr was walking around looking all weird-like.

Me: LOOK AT HOW CUTE I AM NOW.

 

via GIPHY

The Mr: Yeah, you look great, but...

Me: ....but what?

 

via GIPHY

The Mr: Doesn't it strike you as odd that that box arrived... this morning?

Me: Not really, I mean, they emailed me a few days ago and were like "hey, friend, fun clothes are on their way to you, so yay!" and it seemed legit.

The Mr: Yeah, but... we went to bed at 11 last night... and the box was there this morning.

Me: Yeah... wait... I think I'm with you now.

The Mr: Yeah...

Me: So... you took the dog out before we went to bed at 11pm?

The Mr: Yeah.

Me: And there was no box on the doorstep then?

The Mr: No.

Me: And then when you got up at 7, the box was there?

The Mr: Yes.

Me: ..... SANTA DOES EXIST!!!

 

via GIPHY

The Mr:

 

via GIPHY


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An Oldie, but a Goodie, because #TBT... and my mom.

The great thing about me posting on Thursdays is that whenever I don't have the time, I can just be all "THROWBACK THURSDAY, BITCHES!" and then all of you, my Duckies, are just like "Yay!! Trending social media topics!! I love them!!" In reality, I don't have the day off today, and so I'm scrambling to throw even these few sentences together before I go to work, but I wanted to get something posted because I'm leaving for BlogU tomorrow and I'm going to be meeting all sorts of new people who also blog and I figured that they should have a chance to get to know me (or my mother) a little bit better before we meet face to face.

So... I'm going with an oldie, but a goodie, because everyone loves stories about my mom and this was her debut into the blogosphere.

Quick side note: When I originally posted this, my mom was all "OMG, I'M FAMOUS!!" and then she emailed it to her entire office and they were all "EMELIE SHOULD SEND THIS INTO ELLEN!" and that's when I knew that I really was in Suburbia... because only middle-aged white housewives would immediately start begging me to submit my stuff to Ellen Degeneres.

Anyway... on to the Blog Post...

And My Mother Makes Her Debut... with Assless Chaps.

I have a strange life problem. Well... it's really a blessing and a curse.

I have a hot mom.

Don't get me wrong, 99% of the time, it freaking rocks to know that my parents are still so young looking. It bodes well for my own future. It's the other 1% I try and block out.

Let me explain:

My mom is in her mid-fifties and she looks like she's... well... much younger. Mind you, she has had no cosmetic surgery, the woman just teaches six aerobics classes a week, three of which are at 5:45 in the morning, and then she goes and rides her horse for at least an hour almost every day. Throw in the fact that we're 100% Swedish and you've got yourself one hot mamma. Needless to say, this woman can kick my ass. She's awesome.

She is also wonderfully weird.

We were sitting around the other day and having coffee, and the subject of Christmas came up.

Mom: Oh! If anyone is stuck on what to get me for Christmas, go to [insert big country horse supply store here]! They have so many awesome things!

Me: Okay, like what? Keep in mind that I'm poor.

Mom: Well, they even have horse treats.

Me: Mom... I'm not going to buy you a bag of horse treats for Christmas!

Mom: Well, I'll use them!

Me: Okay.. is there something that's in between horse treats and like... a new saddle?

Mom: Oh, I wouldn't ask you for a saddle. Oh, but you know what, they do have these awesome leather chaps that have fringe going all the way down the sides.

Me: As in... assless chaps?

Mom: Well, yeah, Emelie. All chaps are assless.

Me: I am not buying my mother anything that can be described as assless.

Mom: Why? I think they're cool!

Me: Let's change the subject please. How did your burlesque aerobics class go? I admit that this might not have been the best subject change, but this is how we talk, people.

Mom: Oh, it was so much fun! We had feather boas and everything, it was great. Oh, except my friend was sick and she was so upset that she couldn't be there.

Me: Oh, that sucks! She would have had fun.

Mom: I know, and she was supposed to make "penises in a blanket" so then we ended up not having any "penises in a blanket" :(

Me: Mom... I think it's about time I write about you in my blog.

Mom: Really? Why?

Me: Because I love you. And someone needs to start writing down the things that you say.

I'm not kidding, though. I truly do love my mom, and I rarely pass up the opportunity to hang out with her nowadays. I honestly hope that I'm as badass and free-spirited as she is for the rest of my life. She freaking rocks.

This also means I'm going to have to start working out, though...

I love you, Mom!

And yes... I did buy her the chaps.

Welcome to the new site, Duckies!!

So... What do you think? My good friend and web designer "Jackie Chan" and I worked pretty hard on this. New pictures, new layout... It's the new and improved me! You can even advertise with me now (which I totally recommend that you do.).

Content-wise, this site is basically the same, but it's just a little cleaned up and fresher looking. Dare I call it... professional?

Anyway, I hope you like it, Duckies! I'll be doing a real post tomorrow about a zombie wedding that I just attended. No joke. In the meantime, enjoy the following video, which should undoubtedly make you pee your pants. Seriously.

What Do You Mean My Life Isn't a Sit-Com?

So, I might have a problem... As many of you know, my best friend, John Hamm, has moved away to Boston (excuse me while I go bawl my eyes out in to a glass of wine at 10:00 a.m.).

Obviously, we still talk on the phone all the time, because that's what besties do.

So, yesterday, she was talking to me about meeting up with a new prospective roommate out there, because sad as it may be, John Hamm is currently a homeless law school student (don't worry, she has a friend with a couch for the time being).

Me: So when are you meeting this dude?

JH: I think in about an hour.

Me: I hope he's not a creepy rapist...

JH: Yeah, me too.

Me: Best case scenario, he'll be gay.

JH: Haha, I guess?

Me: Well, then there's absolutely no risk of him being a creepy rapist to you! Plus, everyone knows that a sassy gay roommate is the best thing a girl just starting law school can ask for. You guys will be like the new Will & Grace, except YOU'LL be the lawyer and HE'LL be the gay one.

JH: And we're not in a sit-com.

Me: ...what are you talking about? We've always led sit-com lives. You're the Ellie to my Jules in Cougartown. You're the Jordan to my Elliot in Scrubs. You're the Cece to my Jess in New Girl. The only one we've never really been able to nail down is our "Friends" personas.

JH: No, Emelie... that's the only one YOU'VE never been able to nail down. YOU'VE been living in a sit-com your whole life.

Me: ...It's like I don't even know you anymore. This is just like that time when Joey started acting all womanly and weirding Chandler out...

JH: ::sigh:: ... Yeah. Just like that.

Now I Know How the Trojans Felt.

Okay, so last night I found this hilarious comedian while I was watching TV. This comedian started off his whole bit with a heavy dosage of nerd/Harry Potter humor. So, naturally, I texted Nigel, who I knew was still awake and bored. Me: Okay, so bummer that you don't get to enjoy the hilarity that is hanging out with me tonight, but there is a really funny stand-up comedian on TV right now. Just sayin'.

Nigel: Haha, right on, but I'm playing video games right now.

Me: Fine, but he's doing Harry Potter/nerd humor.

Nigel: Tempting.

Me: More like irresistible...

Nigel: I'm checking it out now.

Okay, so at this point, this comedian switched up his routine and started talking about having sex with animals.

Nigel: I expected nerd humor and I got dog f*cking. I blame you.

Me: Wait! No! There is nerd humor!!! I did not see this coming!

Nigel: Thanks. I stopped playing Super Smash Bros for this.

Me: Just give him one more chance!

Nigel: I will.

So the commercial ended and the comic kept going... it still wasn't back to the nerd humor, but it was more decent than the bestiality jokes.

Nigel: God, thank you so much for convincing me to watch this. My life is considerably better now and I owe it all to you.

Me: Sarcasm?

Nigel: Just a little.

Me: Whatever. You're lame. Plus, his nerdy humor was the Trojan horse. Now he's talking about vagina grooming and its weird.

And that's when things got even more bizarre.

Me: Oh my gosh, did you just see that commercial about the dog tracker??

Nigel: I'm playing my game again.

Me: Okay, well it was a commercial for this GPS dog tracker, and their slogan was literally "Keep your dog off the pole." I kid you not.

Nigel: I am so bummed I missed that.

Me: You should be. It was weird and now I have no one to revel in the strangeness with.

Nigel: Such a tragedy.

Me: It really is. P.S. This conversation is so going in my blog.

Nigel: It's because I'm awesome.

Me: Sure. That's why.

Nigel: The amazing Nigel they call me.

Me: I feel like you're lying.

***

Happy Saturday, everyone! Now I'm off to have brunch with Pixie Stick! Yay!

He Was Obviously Drunk and Had No Idea What He Was Saying.

Hey there, favoritest readers of mine! How goes life? It's the end of a long and mildly stressful week for me, and I am so happy to be sitting in my bed, coffee in hand. So, I hadn't seen Dragon all week because we're both so busy all the time, but last night we finally got to go out, get a drink, see some live music, and just flat-out enjoy some time together with some friends of ours. It was awesome.

Until I found out some haunting information.

We were watching this band and I leaned over to tell Dragon that their keyboard player reminded me of Garth.

Dragon: Who?

Me: Garth! From Wayne's World!

garth

Dragon: Oh. I don't know, I've never seen it.

Me: ...

I just sat there staring at him blankly. I was stunned. How has this guy that I love so much never seen Wayne's World? I started going on about that, but it was too loud with the band playing that I could tell I was getting nowhere.

Later on in the car, I had to bring it up again.

Me: How have you never seen Wayne's World?!?

Dragon: I don't know. I started it once and thought it was stupid.

Me: You're stupid! That movie is comedy gold! How do you not appreciate it?

Dragon: I just thought it was dumb, so I stopped watching it.

Me: Maybe you just weren't in the right mood, if that's even possible.

Dragon: No... maybe I just don't like Mike Myers in that movie.

Me: ::GASP!:: For shame! You have no idea what you're talking about.

So now, ladies and gentleman, I have made it my absolute goal to make sure that Dragon sees and adores this movie. I will make him see the truth, don't worry.

I mean... It's Wayne's World. It's party time. It's excellent!