I’m not even allowed to think about watching Mindhunter.

Last night I took Gio out to go to the bathroom, but it was really dark and I got scared, so I only let him pee, which makes me a terrible dog owner, but in my defense I took him inside so that I could tell The Mr that he had to take Gio outside again to poop because I was pretty sure there was a murderer hiding behind the tree in our yard and I knew that if I stayed out there any longer he would sneak up on me and stab me, you know right in the base of my spinal column or something? That way I'd be paralyzed and unable to move or say anything and The Mr would never know. So I ran inside.

The Mr basically just looked at me like this when I explained everything:

via GIPHY

Which is justified.

It should be noted that what spurred all of this on was Kate McKinnon's SNL IT sketch in which she was Kellyanne Conway/Pennywise/Kellywise. This was a comedy sketch. I had nightmares.

 

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I mean... I also laughed. But mainly because I was terrified.


And now for some business:

  • I'll be volunteering at the Gilmore Girls Fan Fest today and on Sunday in Kent, CT! Come say hi! I'll be the one in a volunteer shirt who looks like me. The Mr will be there on Saturday. If any of you are there and you see him, take pictures and tag me. It'll be like a fun scavenger hunt!
  • The giveaway is still open (because am I really not popular enough for even 10 of you to want some free books and patreon perks? Maybe that means you'd be ahead of the trend by becoming an Awkward Ambassador so early... Think about it.)

This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Just doin' my job, sir.

Today a child totally called me out when I lied to him, but in my defense, he was hitting his father to an obnoxious degree (aren't all degrees obnoxious?) and using truth and reasoning wasn't helping. Me: Alright kid, this has gone on long enough. We have a very strict no-hitting policy here and if you don't stop it, I'm going to have to put you to work.

Kid: ....

Me: Cleaning our toilets.

Kid's Dad: Ooooo... that sounds rough, dude.

Kid: No. You're lying.

Me: What? I am not.

Kid: Yes you are.

And then we just stared at each other for a few moments until I turned my attention back to his dad.

Me: So anyway, you should totally read Ready, Player, One because it's amazing.

Dad: Awesome, thank you!

I would like it to be noted, though, that the kid did stop hitting his dad, so.... I'm kind of a hero - even if I didn't stay within the lines of morality to do it. I'm basically Batman.

 

via GIPHY

Super cute and then SUPER NOT CUTE.

Okay, so first of all, if you follow me on any social media channel, you know that the cutest thing in the world happened and her name is Aloy (yes, like Horizon Zero Dawn) and JUST LOOK AT HER.  

Yeah. I know. She's just the best. She's three months old and we adopted her on Monday night and so far things are going well. A lot of you have been asking how Gio is adjusting and he's just being the best big brother. For example:

But, to be honest, I have other news to share, which I did not expect to be the case. I was all "Friday's blog post is just going to be the cutest ever," and then the least adorable thing that could have possibly happened, well, happened:

 

 

So.... that.... ugh, let me just start at the beginning.

Yesterday we discovered a snake skin in our living room.

A freaking snake skin was sitting between our air purifier and the wall, right near the radiator. You know, WHERE THERE SHOULD NEVER BE A SNAKE SKIN.

And this means that not only was there a snake in my living room at some point, but it was alive. And growing. Because, as I realized via googling "WHAT DO I DO WHEN I FIND A SNAKE SKIN IN MY LIVING ROOM," the only reason a snake sheds its skin is that the skin is officially too small for the snake's body.

There are about 19 different things about all of this that I find alarming.

The good news (if I have to pick some good news out of this?) is that we're fairly confident that due to the scale pattern on the tail, this is the shed skin of a non-venomous snake... so I suppose that's comforting. Then again, we're not exactly experts and this little bit of information doesn't get rid of the fact that a snake was sneaking through our living room in recent history.

The Mr. is being disturbingly calm about this whole situation, by the way. Like... he found the snake skin while I was at work, left it there, and then randomly that evening he just casually told me to go look behind the air purifier. Then he went back to whatever he was doing while I curled up into a ball of panic for the rest of the evening, just waiting to start hearing voices in the walls, telling me to "kill.... kill..."

Perhaps I should count my blessings, though, because I was just thinking to myself that nothing strange ever happens to me anymore.

Thanks, Universe. You always come through.


In other news, the very first (and only public) episode of Sunday Supdates is going up this weekend and I am so excited about it, so make sure you come back here Sunday night to watch! If you have no idea what I'm talking about, click here.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here

We argue just like regular couples do.

Boyfriend and I don't fight much, but we've been having the same argument over and over again for the past few months or so. It's a fairly simple argument: I believe the toilet is haunted and he chooses to fall for the witchcraft of mechanical logic. You see, every now and again, multiple times a day, my toilet will make a noise. It's not a flushing noise. It's more like a... whispering. And every time that this happens, my eyes get wide and I look at Boyfriend with a mixture of fear and excitement and I whisper "ghosts!"

He inevitably responds in a monotonous voice at a normal speaking volume, "It's not ghosts."

Recently this escalated:

Toilet: whisper, whisper, whisper....

Me: Ghosts!

Boyfriend: You have a leaking valve in the tank. It is slowly letting water out into the bowl causing the tank to refill itself. It's not ghosts.

Me: 1. It's ghosts. 2. Stop raining on my ghost parade. 3. It's ghosts.

Boyfriend: 1. Ghosts are scary. 2. Ghosts scare me. 3. I don't like being scared.

Me: 4. Who tampered with the valve?? GHOSTS. They just want us to believe in logic. THAT'S HOW THEY WIN.

Boyfriend: 4. It could be caused by that thing you put in the tank to keep in clean. That could have caused build-up - or the gasket is old and rotted and needs to be replaced.

Me: or...Ghosts.

I'm not saying he's crazy or anything, but I don't understand how he can even try to argue with me on this one. He even tried to hit me with a "why would a ghost even haunt your toilet?" and I just yelled "DO I EVEN NEED TO BRING UP MOANING MYRTLE RIGHT NOW??"

And it's not just the toilet, if I'm being fair. I think it's also the bathtub. I've never heard anything in the bathtub, but sometimes the dog just walks in there and stares all panic-stricken into the bathtub and animals can see things that we can't, so you can't deny this one. Plus, this is a super old building. This house was built in the early 1800s! In Connecticut! There is a whole movie about Connecticut being haunted! Is he seriously going to try and tell me that this place isn't even slightly haunted? And sure, he says ghosts scare him, but it doesn't seem like this one is doing anything too creepy. S/he is just using the bathroom. Maybe that's how s/he died. After all, as I told Boyfriend, ghosts usually hang around because they have unfinished business....

It was at this point that he said, "Emelie, can we please talk about something else right now?"

"What, like the little boy I sometimes see standing in the corner of the hallway at night?" I asked.

He maybe hasn't talked to me since.

Goodbye Long Distance, Hello Neighbor

Don't worry. I didn't break up with Boyfriend and start dating my neighbor. That would be awful. Especially since my neighbor is an elderly woman with a herd of cows. No, my friends, Boyfriend is actually BECOMING MY NEIGHBOR. This is insane to me, but in an awesome way, because we've been doing this long distance thing since we started dating (which, admittedly, was only about 6 or 7 months ago), but apparently he thinks I'm cool enough to just RELOCATE HIS ENTIRE LIFE FOR.

WHAT IS THIS? IS THIS WHAT LOVE IS? 

So yes. Boyfriend is moving away from his cool, hip, trendy city life to Stars Hollow, CT, where there is no cell phone reception and almost everyone in town knows who you are. Seriously. Everyone knows. People I don't know are asking us about this situation.

And this crazy little town seems to be super excited for me over this whole scenario. People are coming into the bookshop and asking me all about it. There was literally applause from various town members when he picked up his keys. I think they've all been a little concerned that I wouldn't last very long here because of the lack of young folks and social life. Oh, they have such little faith in what the Internet can provide these days... But now they can all rejoice (or cry) because I have yet another reason to not leave town.

And Boyfriend genuinely wants to live here with me. This is nuts! But it's true. So, this weekend, he moves into his new apartment, which is right in the middle of town and across the street from the bookshop where I work. The only problem? Said apartment does not allow dogs (sorry Gio), but this also means that we'll be forced to still maintain some personal space. We won't be able to stay over at each other's places all the time and I'll still have to go home to do things. Like talk to the dog.

All of this rambling is basically my way of realizing that somebody really, really loves me. And that's crazy because, well... have we all met me? But I've got to say.... this feels quite incredible.

This is going to be good, you guys.

 

Giant Wild Ninja Turkeys, Everyone. Giant. Wild. Ninja Turkeys.

Okay, so disclaimer: I do not have the reflexes of a lightning fast cheetah, so I did not capture this moment on camera. You're just going to have to trust me that it actually happened. I live on the second floor of an old farmhouse and my couch is positioned next to a window outside of which is the first floor rooftop, which is slanted and made of tin. This is important information.

So, I was just calmly sitting on my couch, crocheting while watching Gilmore Girls. You know, the usual.

Everything was great. The sun was still out, but it was a rainy afternoon, so my couch was, like, the best place to be ever. I even opened the window next to me so that I could enjoy the sound of the rain hitting the tin roof while I sipped my coffee and watched my fictional biography play out before me. To say it was perfection is kind of an understatement.

Oh rainy afternoon, how I love thee...

So I'm in my zone, right? I'm all "Le sigh... life is beautiful.... Gilmore Girls is the best and these fingerless gloves are going to be so cozy this fall!" and then

BAM. TURKEY.

Hm? What? That didn't make sense? Allow me to elaborate: I was sitting on my couch, enjoying a calm and relaxing Sunday afternoon when a WILD TURKEY LANDED ON THE ROOF RIGHT OUTSIDE OF MY WINDOW.

So there we were, Reginald (that's what I named him, of course) and I, he on on my roof and me on my couch. We shared a brief glance with one another before he just flopped off the tin roof because HELLO, IT'S A SLANTED, WET TIN ROOF, REGINALD, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? and then he gobbled away.

Even weirder is that for the next few minutes, I could hear him gobbling, but I couldn't see him anywhere.... which leads me to believe that I'm dealing with some fucking ninja turkeys, you guys, and that's terrifying.

Remember when I lived in Ohio and my biggest issues with nature involved bunnies eating my vegetable garden? Yeah...

Connecticut is awesome and ticks are Satan's curse on the world.

Okay, so I have so much to tell you all and I've missed writing this week. To be honest, it's not that I haven't had the time. Many of my friends and family will tell you that I've been bored out of my mind and begging them to Skype me, but now that I've been here almost a week, I'm starting to kind of mentally adjust to all of this and HOLY CRAP CONNECTICUT IS AWESOME.

Also, get ready to deal with my insane ramblyness for a little while, because while I'm finally starting to settle, my brain is firing on all cylinders right now, and I've been drinking caffeinated tea and it's making me all WEEEEE!!!!!

The boring stuff first: My job is great. I'm really psyched to be working in a tiny bookshop 40 hours a week and everyone is really nice. Blah blah blah.

I'm really sorry if that sounded braggy. It wasn't meant to be. Probably.

Okay, done with the work stuff. Time to play. This next part will definitely be braggy.

Two pictures:

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So yeah. Be jealous. I don't mind.

However, there is a price to pay for this type of living... other than the fact that it gets dark here at like 6PM and I have no friends outside of the Internet...

THIS PLACE IS A FRACKING TICK FACTORY.

I'm not kidding, you guys. I pulled 31 MOTHERFRACKING TICKS OFF MY DOG YESTERDAY ALONE.

And then I created a tick graveyard in a tealight candle, because THOSE BITCHES DESERVE TO BURN. I should have let one go so he could go back and warn the others...

 

For the sanity of us all, I did not photograph said waxy graveyard, because it's disgusting and no one should have to see that. You're welcome.

And don't worry, I went to the vet this morning and got the magic juice that kills those bastards on contact and now Gio should be fine.

 

So yeah, Connecticut is awesome other than the tick thing, but so far my life as a Gilmore Girl is off to a great start! I haven't found Luke's Diner yet, but I will. Oh! I did get to meet Ann Leary, author of The Good House, and she was quite possibly the most adorable and charming woman I've ever met in my entire life. Read her books. All of them. I bought her memoir, An Innocent, a Broad, last night and it's crazy incredible. Go to your local bookshop and buy it right now. Okay, I'm done rambling.

***

And now, in totally unrelated news, I found this badassery today and I feel it is only appropriate to leave you with it, because Haters gonna hate, and then we will outsmart them:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uz2jbCJXkpA

Saying Goodbye to Suburbia

So, as many of you know, I am moving to Stars Hollow, CT tomorrow. TOMORROW. 

I'M FREAKING THE FRACK OUT, DUCKIES. 

And I'm totally ready.

These past few days have been full of roller coaster-like emotions about the fact that I'm leaving Suburbia. As ready as I am to move away, this town is where I grew up. It's where I made my first friends, where I had my first kiss, where I broke my leg, where I got my first job... almost all of my firsts happened within these five square miles.

Last night I had drinks with some of the women I worked with at the bookshop for the past five and a half years. Those women, outside of my actual family, practically raised me. They've known me since I was a teenager and they've seen me change and blossom into the bizarre lady that I am today. In fact... they had a lot to do with me becoming that bizarre lady. I don't know why I keep referring to myself as a "lady." I'm certainly not a woman. Oh gosh... I'm so close to unintentionally quoting Brittany Spears lyrics right now. I need to get off this ramble train.

My point is that I'm going to miss those women so much it hurts. Without them, I wouldn't be brave or crazy enough to do what I'm doing. Hell, I'd probably be working some corporate job right now if it wasn't for those ladies... Can you imagine me in an office?

...I know. I'm scared, too...

I'm going to miss just about everything about this town, but I am more than excited to head out and start this tiny adventure of mine. Suburbia has been an amazing place to grow up.

And... to pay tribute to the town, I leave you with one last snip-it from the Suburbia police blotter. Get ready for some drama, duckies:

LOST PLATE RETURNED TO OWNER

A license plate which had fallen off a vehicle was found on October 7th in a parking lot.

The plate was turned in by another driver. Police located the owner of the plate. The plate was... RETURNED. 

DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNNNNN.

SCREAMS IN THE NIGHT ILLICIT A FRIGHT 

(I'm serious, duckies... they went with a rhyme for this one.)

A Suburbia resident told police on October 8th around 11:30 p.m. that it sounded like "someone or something" was screaming across the street from their home. 

Nothing was found.

Yes, folks, in a dramatic turn of events, the Suburbia police found nothing. I'm assuming this means ghosts were roaming the premises. Okay, on second thought, this one is kind of creepy, but only if there was SOMETHING found... Like a scarf... of a girl who died 30 years ago... Or a child's shoe... the left one... from a girl who died 30 years ago... Okay, now I'm gonna give myself nightmares. Dead little girls scare me.

FRESHLY PLANTED TREE PILFERED

Police were called October 9th just before 3 p.m. by the president of a Suburbia homeowners association who reported that someone had stolen a newly planted tree. The tree was valued at $300. 

Okay... So I have a lot of questions about this one. Am I supposed to be on the lookout for the missing tree? If so, I need more information. What kind of tree was it? How tall? They didn't even provide a picture!! Also, does this mean that when I see guys with shovels in the middle of the night, I should no longer assume that they are burying dead bodies, but instead just playing Arbor Day-related jokes? And if THAT'S the case, can we please remind them that it's October??? It's not even proper tree-planting season! Maybe THAT'S why they stole the tree, Mr. Homeowner's Association President. Maybe they're just tree vigilantes who are trying to tell you NOT TO PLANT TREES IN FREAKING OCTOBER. GOSH.

We should thank these men or women. They're saving a tree's life.

Ah... I really am going to miss this town.

 

Did someone say coffee?

Okay, so I haven't abandoned you all. I know what it looks like, but it's not true!! My web designer, Jackie Chan, is helping me come redesign the blog and make it look much nicer for you all. That's right. WE'RE UPGRADING, DUCKIES.

I also took this week to kind of figure out my life as I'm getting ready to move in EXACTLY ONE WEEK.

It's true. Gio and I are moving to the middle of nowhere (aka, Stars Hollow, CT) to start a new life together as The Gilmore Girls. He'll be Rory and I'll be Lorelai, and we'll have such a grand life as the town's quirky duo, with all of our romantic mishaps, and our strong addiction to coffee. Okay, to be fair, Gio doesn't drink coffee, because the last thing that dog needs is coffee, but I drink enough for the both of us, and that's just fine, because coffee is what makes me perky and adorable all the time, SO STOP JUDGING ME, GUYS.

giocurled

Anyway... This post was supposed to be all about how I'm not abandoning you... and then it turned into a defense of coffee rant. Because logic.

 

Do You Guys Think There Are Gardening Gangs? I Think There Are Gardening Gangs.

Happy Monday, Duckies!! So.... I have news.

I'm moving!! I'm leaving Suburbia, Ohio and heading off to "Stars Hollow" in Connecticut to fulfill my dream of becoming a Gilmore Girl! Now the only thing holding me back is that I didn't get pregnant when I was 16 and I'm not working in an inn, but still. One step closer.

But seriously.... I'm moving to the town that was the inspiration for Stars Hollow.... so that's pretty damn awesome.

Stars_Hollow_sign

 

So, I don't move until the end of October, but I'm already getting a little nostalgic... like... I wonder what the police blotters will be like in Stars Hollow. I hope they're as good as they are in Suburbia....

Shrubs Stolen

A Suburbia Lane resident said Sept. 22nd that someone removed several shrubs from their yard overnight.

I'm so thankful I'm leaving this crime-infested area, you guys. The stress and terror that Gio and I have been under from being constantly worried that there is someone around every corner just waiting with some hedge-clippers or shovels... to sabotage my yard!!!

Oh, the horror!