Not a real post, but a great reminder!

Hi friends! This isn't a real blog post, but it's just a friendly reminder that the public #SundaySupdates episode for the month is tonight at 8pmEST on the youtube channel! Come and watch me try to cook while also trying to answer your questions - all live! Who knows how many body parts I'll still have by the end!

I do this show every Sunday for the patreon supporters, but the last Sunday of every month, it's open to all! If you're interested in joining in the fun every week, head on over to the patreon page to become an Awkward Ambassador today!

It's a really good time :)

 

So... THIS HAPPENED. 

....WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!

In equally unsettling news, #SundaySupdates, a live Q&A I do WHILST COOKING, is live and public this Sunday at 8pm! Most Sundays it's just for the Patreon people, but the last Sunday of every month, I open it up to ALL OF YOU! Can't make it? Post a question in the comments and I'll answer it during the livestream!

Unless I black out and murder myself by then.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Just... keep me out of the kitchen.

So last night, The Mr and I were discussing our plan of attack for the evening. The dogs needed to go out, our thank you cards needed to be written from the wedding, dinner needed to be made and dishes needed to be done. The first step was easy: Take the dogs out. Done.

Then things got complicated. Neither one of us wanted to tackle the thank you cards alone and we were both hungry, but also... dishes.

So The Mr gave me two options: I could do dishes while he cooked or he could do dishes while I cooked.

We all know that I'm not a good cook at this point, but I really hate doing dishes, and The Mr really hates watching me do the dishes because he has "a system" for things and I prefer to function with... an air of spontaneity, simply just grabbing whatever dishes are closest and washing them, not at all thinking about what to wash first so that it can be used sooner or how to maximize the amount of space there is on the drying rack. Apparently this is irritating. I think it shows that I can handle whatever comes my way, but this isn't the point of the story.

I grabbed the recipe and set to work on making two personal quiches with a side salad.

Now, it should be noted that nothing actually went wrong during the cooking process, which I think is something that deserves attention. I did not cut myself with the knife (and I had to chop and dice many things!), the fire alarm never went off, I didn't add sugar instead of salt or anything! It was going just fine.

So remember that.

It wasn't until the quiches were out of the oven that things went downhill. Literally.

When they came out of the oven, they were obviously very hot, which I knew and yes I used oven mitts to take them out of the oven and set them on the counter to cool, so STOP MAKING ASSUMPTIONS. I'm usually very good about using my oven mitts because, as some of you may have noticed during Sunday Supdates, my oven mitts look like bear paws and they're amazing. PLUS, I can say that I took stuff out of the oven with my bear hands and it's hilarious while also making me sound like a badass.

So I using my bear hands, I removed the quiches from the oven and placed them on the counter and started making the salad, assuming they would be cold enough to handle by the time I was done.

They were not.

And here is where my logic falls apart. You see, I'm usually really good about using my oven mitts, but I was really hungry by this point and I just needed to transfer the quiches to their plates, which weren't that far away, so I was like "Instead of putting on my big, clunky bear hands again, I'll just slide them over with a spatula. I am so smart."

I am not smart, you guys. That quiche went down. Not only did it fall, but it, of course, landed upside-down and just splattered all over the floor, at which point I yelled "NOOOOOOOOOO" with great defiance at the universe.

The Mr: Why wouldn't you use a pot holder??

Me: Because I had the spatula!

The Mr: Yeah, but that spatula is way too small for the -- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

What I was doing, good sir, is proving that I could do this. Yeah. I went for it with the second quiche, because I "never learn" according to some people, but you know what, dear readers? That second quiche successfully made it to its intended plate. Because I WILL NOT BE BEATEN BY A SPATULA.

Wait. That sounded weird, right? Obviously I was being figurative here - actually, no, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm being literal here too. I do not want to be beaten by anything.

We've reached a strange space in my brain...

Anyway, I think we've all learned a very valuable lesson here and that lesson is that perseverance is key. And also that maybe I should really just let The Mr handle all kitchen things from now on? But then what would happen to Sunday Supdates?


Hey! Speaking of Sunday Supdates... This Sunday is episode 2 of Sunday Supdates, but it's only for those who sponsor me on Patreon, so if you want to participate in a fun, live Q&A with me while I cook dinner (which based on the above story, will be very entertaining), head over to the Patreon page now and sign yourself up! You can do this for as little as a dollar and in doing so, you help me continue making this stuff without needing to get advertisers or do paid content. Essentially, you help me create the things that you like that I create - and you get to chat with me, too! There's all sorts of fun perks involved, so what are you waiting for? Join me and all of the Awkward Ambassadors!

No episode, but still a #SundaySupdate

Hi! So..... I tried filming the first episode of #SundaySupdates last night and let's just say that things went TERRIBLY. A fire was almost started, I burned myself a whole lot, corn exploded, and hot oil went EVERYWHERE.

On top of that? The video stopped recording so there's not even hilarious content to show you.

BUT I AM NOT GIVING UP. Instead I'm tweaking.

Next week I'm going to try again, but with a small change, possibly two:

  1. I'm making it a Q&A.
  2. I'm thinking of maybe making it a livestream?

This is where you come in! Leave a comment below if you think I should livestream it, and if you have a question, either post it as a comment here or send it to me on Twitter using the hashtag #SundaySupdate.

Oh, and to make up for it, here is a picture of our adorable new puppy just being the cutest: 

See you tomorrow, loves!

We got a new oven! ...and I'm already banned from using it.

So, Fiance and I got a new oven installed in our apartment this morning, and if you follow me on Twitter, this is not news to you, but if you don't, let me catch you up:

This was super exciting because our oven was pretty old and temperamental (in a bad way) and while I loved that it had character, that character was a bit frustrating, so getting a new (used) oven was hopefully going to drastically improve things so that I could bake even more things, and pretend to be a cheeky British person in a tent on the grounds of some castle somewhere hoping to win a cake plate. A girl can dream...

So this morning, my mood was this:

 

Everything was going according to plan. Until I got hungry and decided to make a pot of macaroni and cheese (the lunch of adults) while simultaneously attempting to bake a lemon poppyseed bread loaf. I think it was the multitasking that was really the problem. That and the fridge magnets... Allow me to explain...

You see, we have these magnets on the fridge that double as chip clips, and they are very handy at holding cute pictures of nieces, but my cookbook wasn't staying open to the right page and I desperately needing something clippy to fix that. So there it was, the clip I needed, dutifully sitting on the fridge, holding an adorable photo of Fiance's niece. I needed the clip.

So I unclipped the picture and attempted to set it on top of the fridge temporarily, but then a breeze came in through the window or maybe I didn't actually set the picture far enough away from the edge of the fridge or something, but either way, the picture fell. We don't need to start pointing fingers as to who is responsible here.

It should be noted that the fridge is right next to our new oven that I was so excited to use, and the pot of water for the mac and cheese was boiling on the burner that is closest to the fridge.

So Fiance's little niece fell from atop the fridge and down to.... well...

Luckily, she did not land in the pot of boiling water. Unluckily, she did land in a way that her arm was maybe too close to the burner.

Okay, fine, her arm was touching the burner.

Me: AH!!!

Fiancé: (from the next room) What happened?

Me: Nothing... everything is fine!

Fiancé: ...I don't believe you.

Me: Don't come in here!

Fiancé: ...why?

Me: Because I may or may not have set your niece on fire!

Fiancé: What?! HOW?!?

Me: WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ASK SO MANY QUESTIONS?!

Needless to say... I don't think I'll be asked to babysit at his sister's house for a while...

Maybe I should have just ordered pizza.

I was babysitting one evening last week and things went totally fine you guys. I made dinner for the kid and he ate it and then we played some cards and then he went to bed. It all went fine. Except I made way too much macaroni. Like.... You would have thought I was feeding a family of six. You would have been wrong because I was aiming to feed just myself and an skinny eight-year-old who also decided to have an avocado and HAD I KNOWN THAT, I WOULDN'T HAVE GIVEN HIM SO MUCH MACARONI.

Alright fine. If I'm being honest, even without the avocado, there was too much macaroni. If I'm being even a little bit more honest, I'm still a little bitter that he didn't split the avocado with me. He didn't even offer. Rude.

Anyway, after I put the kid to bed, I was suddenly very concerned about the mass amount of macaroni that was sitting on the kitchen counter. At first I thought "Well, I'll just keep eating it until it's gone," but just the thought of trying to force that mountain of food down my throat was making me sad, which is saying something because I love macaroni. The problem was that I had already attempted to eat way more than my stomach could handle during the actual meal itself. There was just no way I could eat more before his parents came home.

That's when I had my brilliant idea: Take the macaroni home and no one will ever know... So I put all the macaroni in a gallon-sized zip-lock bag and ran out to my car to dispose of any evidence. SUCCESS!!!

A few hours later, I woke up to the sound of the parents' car doors closing and immediately sat up to pretend that I was totally awake and that I totally hadn't made a ton of macaroni. They came in, we chatted, and I played it cool. I was very impressed with myself as I sleepily drove down the street to pick up Boyfriend who was waiting for me at his apartment so that we could go and sleep at my apartment because love.

When he got into the car I said "Watch out for the macaroni."

Boyfriend: What?

Me: I made too much macaroni and I was embarrassed, so I stole it all to hide the evidence. And for lunch tomorrow.

Boyfriend: Seriously? I'm sure they wouldn't have minded that you had some macaroni leftover...

Me: It was A LOT of macaroni.

Boyfriend: Why did you make so much macaroni?

Me: IT JUST POURED OUT SO QUICKLY.

Boyfriend: ......

And here's where things get weird, you guys.

The next morning I was getting ready for work and just before I left, I was all "Oh!! I almost forgot my macaroni!" So I ran to the fridge and looked.

Me: Um... where's my macaroni?

Boyfriend: Excuse me?

Me: My macaroni. I did bring it in last night, right? It's not still in the car?

Boyfriend: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: My macaroni! Remember?

I proceeded to act out the conversation from last night.

Boyfriend: I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

Me: What? Yes you do.

Boyfriend: I promise you that I don't. You're also going to be late for work.

Me: But...

Boyfriend calmly guiding me towards the car: Come on. We'll find this "macaroni" when we get home.

And you know what? We never did. WE NEVER FOUND THE MACARONI.

This can only mean that one of us has amnesia OR that one of us is sleep-eating. Or sleep-hiding food. Either way, I'm incredibly concerned and entirely mystified.

Just try and tell me you wouldn't smile the entire time you iced a cake with this.

I think it's fair to say that most of us are happier when things are cuter. Puppies. Kittens.  Baby Bunnies. Little kids when they're not being annoying.

Admit it, all of these things make you happier than say...

Grass. Flashlights. Junk mail. Dirty dishes.

Right? I'm right, right?

So, in my opinion, it only makes sense that when there is an opportunity to make something that isn't ordinarily cute even cuter, that opportunity should be taken.

Which is why I can't resist adorable kitchen items such as these: IMG_3770 IMG_3768

Meet Pastasaurus and The Grumpy Egg Beater (who has justified reasons for his grumpiness, I mean, come on... you're literally using him to beat his dead friends. It's actually kind of morbid when you think about it, so I just try not to).

This brings me to this past weekend when Boyfriend and I were out lunching and wandering around on this quaint little Main Street strip of shops on a Sunday afternoon like we were in some sort of Audrey Hepburn romantic film in the sixties or something. We strolled into a kitchen shop and my eyes kind of glazed over because cooking is not really my thing, but it is Boyfriend's thing, so I knew we couldn't simply pass by without going in.

As he bounced around looking at really expensive knives I knew he would never let me touch and pans that I couldn't understand why they cost over $100, I spotted it. The new object of my affection:

IMG_3769

A pigula.

And he was only $4. How could I say no?

Me: I must have him.

Boyfriend: ...seriously?

Me: Come on, you know I can't resist something this cute. GEB and The Pastasaurus need a new buddy.

Boyfriend: Fine. How about this: You can have your cute kitchen items and I'll have my practical ones.

Me: What, they can't be both?

And then I got this look that seemed to say "You don't really expect me to use a pig-spatula with any sort of seriousness, do you?"

So I walked up to the register.

Me (slightly louder than necessary): I would like this Pigula please!

Cashier: Oh, aren't these great?

Me: I mean, I can't resist something this delightful.

Cashier: And you know what? They're actually really great spatulas, too!

I'm going to put this one in the "Victories for Emelie" column.

The Sad Thing Is That This Was Sober Cooking.

Hello, my readers - My favorite people in the world. The people that think I'm funny. You are my stars. No, I don't need money... However, if you feel so inclined, please email me for my mailing address. I accept checks, cash, and paypal.

Moving on.

So, Gumby came home for a few days last night. It was fantastic to see him. We ate tacos, drank beer, and then he came over to bake cookies. At 11:00 at night. Why? Well, I'd like to say that it's because we're awesome and that's just how we roll, but that's only half true. It's also because Gumby works at night, so he doesn't really go to bed or get tired until like 5AM. This is not the case with me, but that's because I'm the awesome one in this friendship that just doesn't care about sleep.

Okay, I've already lied to you all. We did not bake cookies. Gumby is going to hate me for making such a public announcement about this, but I need to share it with you all:

We failed at making cookies. Hardcore.

"What went wrong?" you ask? Well... I think it started going downhill when Gumby decided that he wanted to attempt to make cookies out of lemon cake batter. Yeah, I think that's when the baking failure really started to happen.

However, we did discover that you can use cake batter to make:

  1. Silver dollar lemon pancakes in your oven.
  2. Regular sized lemon pancakes in a pan.
  3. Giant Lemon Swedish Pancakes (also in a pan).
  4. One massive lemony blob of a cake-like consistency on a cookie sheet in the oven.

lemonpancakes

 

Gumby may or may not have been incredibly embarrassed. I mean, you remember his whiskey cake, right? The guy loves his kitchen creations. He may or may not have uttered something last night about how Julia Child would be so disappointed in us...

Me? I figure we're frickin' pioneers in the lemon pancake world. Admit it, you're so trying this later.

You're welcome.