Saying Goodbye to Suburbia

So, as many of you know, I am moving to Stars Hollow, CT tomorrow. TOMORROW. 

I'M FREAKING THE FRACK OUT, DUCKIES. 

And I'm totally ready.

These past few days have been full of roller coaster-like emotions about the fact that I'm leaving Suburbia. As ready as I am to move away, this town is where I grew up. It's where I made my first friends, where I had my first kiss, where I broke my leg, where I got my first job... almost all of my firsts happened within these five square miles.

Last night I had drinks with some of the women I worked with at the bookshop for the past five and a half years. Those women, outside of my actual family, practically raised me. They've known me since I was a teenager and they've seen me change and blossom into the bizarre lady that I am today. In fact... they had a lot to do with me becoming that bizarre lady. I don't know why I keep referring to myself as a "lady." I'm certainly not a woman. Oh gosh... I'm so close to unintentionally quoting Brittany Spears lyrics right now. I need to get off this ramble train.

My point is that I'm going to miss those women so much it hurts. Without them, I wouldn't be brave or crazy enough to do what I'm doing. Hell, I'd probably be working some corporate job right now if it wasn't for those ladies... Can you imagine me in an office?

...I know. I'm scared, too...

I'm going to miss just about everything about this town, but I am more than excited to head out and start this tiny adventure of mine. Suburbia has been an amazing place to grow up.

And... to pay tribute to the town, I leave you with one last snip-it from the Suburbia police blotter. Get ready for some drama, duckies:

LOST PLATE RETURNED TO OWNER

A license plate which had fallen off a vehicle was found on October 7th in a parking lot.

The plate was turned in by another driver. Police located the owner of the plate. The plate was... RETURNED. 

DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNNNNN.

SCREAMS IN THE NIGHT ILLICIT A FRIGHT 

(I'm serious, duckies... they went with a rhyme for this one.)

A Suburbia resident told police on October 8th around 11:30 p.m. that it sounded like "someone or something" was screaming across the street from their home. 

Nothing was found.

Yes, folks, in a dramatic turn of events, the Suburbia police found nothing. I'm assuming this means ghosts were roaming the premises. Okay, on second thought, this one is kind of creepy, but only if there was SOMETHING found... Like a scarf... of a girl who died 30 years ago... Or a child's shoe... the left one... from a girl who died 30 years ago... Okay, now I'm gonna give myself nightmares. Dead little girls scare me.

FRESHLY PLANTED TREE PILFERED

Police were called October 9th just before 3 p.m. by the president of a Suburbia homeowners association who reported that someone had stolen a newly planted tree. The tree was valued at $300. 

Okay... So I have a lot of questions about this one. Am I supposed to be on the lookout for the missing tree? If so, I need more information. What kind of tree was it? How tall? They didn't even provide a picture!! Also, does this mean that when I see guys with shovels in the middle of the night, I should no longer assume that they are burying dead bodies, but instead just playing Arbor Day-related jokes? And if THAT'S the case, can we please remind them that it's October??? It's not even proper tree-planting season! Maybe THAT'S why they stole the tree, Mr. Homeowner's Association President. Maybe they're just tree vigilantes who are trying to tell you NOT TO PLANT TREES IN FREAKING OCTOBER. GOSH.

We should thank these men or women. They're saving a tree's life.

Ah... I really am going to miss this town.

 

Do You Guys Think There Are Gardening Gangs? I Think There Are Gardening Gangs.

Happy Monday, Duckies!! So.... I have news.

I'm moving!! I'm leaving Suburbia, Ohio and heading off to "Stars Hollow" in Connecticut to fulfill my dream of becoming a Gilmore Girl! Now the only thing holding me back is that I didn't get pregnant when I was 16 and I'm not working in an inn, but still. One step closer.

But seriously.... I'm moving to the town that was the inspiration for Stars Hollow.... so that's pretty damn awesome.

Stars_Hollow_sign

 

So, I don't move until the end of October, but I'm already getting a little nostalgic... like... I wonder what the police blotters will be like in Stars Hollow. I hope they're as good as they are in Suburbia....

Shrubs Stolen

A Suburbia Lane resident said Sept. 22nd that someone removed several shrubs from their yard overnight.

I'm so thankful I'm leaving this crime-infested area, you guys. The stress and terror that Gio and I have been under from being constantly worried that there is someone around every corner just waiting with some hedge-clippers or shovels... to sabotage my yard!!!

Oh, the horror!

It Was Either Murder... Or a Really Disappointing Birthday...

Okay, so I had to share this with you guys. As many of you know, I live in Suburbia. The crime rate here is pretty darn low. Well, every now and again something weird pops up among the sprinkling of noise complaints and DUI's (or as they're now referred to as "OVI's", which I think sounds way too much like "ova" and then I'm even more grossed out by drunk drivers...), like someone will murder his wife with a baseball bat in the garage and then call the cops on himself, but that's a real rarity. Usually, the cops are pretty bored.

I figure that they have to get a good laugh sometimes, though, because when I read the police blotter in our town, I can't help but burst into a fit of giggles.

For example, I read this one the other day:

A caller told police on Saturday around 3:30 pm

that a black garbage bag on Suburbia Road, near the railroad tracks,

appeared to contain a "human torso."

Police found the bag, which contained balloons.

Okay, let's break this down here for a second. This caller obviously must have seen this bag, and not from a far distance, either, to assume that it had a human torso (not a whole body, people, just THE TORSO) in it. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but human torsos weigh a lot more than balloons, right? I'm not making that up, am I?

So here's what I'm picturing... the caller sees this bag of Human Torso and is all "OH MY GOD, DEAD BODIES!" so they call the cops. The cops are probably like "OH FINALLY!! DEAD BODIES IN SUBURBIA!" and then they rush over to the railroad tracks to be all "WE HAVE A MURDER CASE PEOPLE!!"

The caller is probably all "I'VE SEEN DEXTER! I KNOW WHAT TORSOS IN GARBAGE BAGS LOOK LIKE! I'M A HERO!!!"

And then the police arrive at the railroad tracks. They see the bag. They're getting ready to block off the area as a crime scene - one of them even has his roll of yellow caution tape at the ready, and he's getting antsy.

With his gun drawn, one of the police officers starts inching towards this bag. Just then, a gentle breeze comes through and the bag starts to glide towards him.

EVERYONE SCREAMS!!! GHOST TORSO!!! NOOOOOO!

They all begin to shoot at the bag and that's when they hear the popping, and they see the garbage bag, now full of bullet holes, start to deflate.

One of the police officers is all "Aw man! You guys, it's just a freakin' bag of balloons..." And then all the cops get super sad and mosey on back to their cop cars to go back to the station and pout. The eager guy with the caution tape starts rolling it all back up again, and everyone is sad.

Okay, so there's a distinct possibility that this is not at all what happened, but I'm only going off of what they told us in the police blotter, so I have to fill in a lot of the holes, you guys, and I'm pretty sure that my scenario is definitely the most likely one, so...

Also, I think I've found my true calling for writing anti-climactic crime television.

This is What Happens When You Watch Too Much SVU.

Hello readers!! Today is going to be a great day, I can tell.

First of all, I need to tell you all that Gumby got into Ohio State University's Vet School!!!

Yup. Those are animal hats. Because we party like adults.From the left: Dragon, John Hamm, Gumby, Me!

We're all super proud of him. In fact, I'm SO proud of him that I just had to share it with everyone via the internet. So....

CONGRATUALATIONS, GUMBY!!!!

So last night, a bunch of us got together for dinner to celebrate the aforementioned good news. We quickly realized that we have some very odd dinner conversations....

Gumby's mother was telling all of us about a certain glass bottle that they had on display in their dining room. Long story short, this exact bottle isn't supposed to actually exist, but her grandfather worked in the factory where they were made and so he stole one before they were all destroyed.

Gumby: I've always wanted to find other ones...

Me: Check eBay.

John Hamm: Yes, because all will eventually flow into the eBay...

Me: What? It could happen!

Gumby: Yeah, there was that one guy who found his stolen car twenty years later because the guy that stole it put it up on eBay. The dude got arrested.

Me: That must suck to be that guy... I mean, that's a long time to think you'd finally gotten away with it.

Gumby's Mom: Isn't there some sort of statute of limitations on that?

Gumby (shrugging): I guess not. I mean, if you can still prove it, it's fine. Like, with other crimes, I think the statute of limitations is relevant because the proof disappears. Like in rape and murder cases.

Me: So... the worst crimes imaginable are the ones that if you just run long enough, you'll get away with them...

John Hamm: Well, the first 24 hours are critical in any rape situation.

Gumby's Mom: Right. That makes sense.

Me: This is a nice dinner conversation. Congratulations, Gumby.

The weird thing is that this conversation came back up multiple times throughout that evening...

That's When I Decided That My Friends Are Scary Sometimes, but In That Funny Way.

My dear friend, Apollo, drives a car that might as well have come out of a cereal box. He's driven this car since we were in high school, and I remember that when we were 16 and he first got it, I asked him if Special K would replace the door if it ever fell off. He's never been that amused by my jokes.

Anyway, the crappy car is part of the reason that he is not driving from his new home in Virginia back to our hometown in Ohio for Thanksgiving. This was the conversation that he and my best friend John Hamm had, which she later shared with me:

John Hamm: So, I'm guessing you're working [over Thanksgiving weekend]?

Apollo: No. My parents are coming here. They think the pilgrims landed here and want to do an "authentic" Thanksgiving. That was totally Massachusetts.

John Hamm: Hahahaha - there is so much wrong with that I don't even know where to start. You should combat drive up on Friday!

Apollo: I would, but I can't! I'm getting a new car that day!

John Hamm: Nice! What kind?

Apollo: Hopefully a Volkswagen. Depends on what deal I can get.

John Hamm: Whoa. Slow down, adrenaline junkie.

Apollo: Dude, I need fuel economy.

John Hamm: Haha, I know. I'm just glad I don't have to worry about you getting carried off by a strong gust of wind anymore.

Apollo: Yeah, holy crap anything is going to be better.

John Hamm: These are exciting times we live in. You're getting a new car, I'm getting new hair.. everyone is winning!

Apollo: What type of hair?

John Hamm: Indian girl hair. I've decided to shave my head and start exclusively wearing wigs.

Apollo: That's cool. I see that fitting well!

John Hamm: Yeah. I'll get some normal ones and some Ramona Flowers ones. Switch it up every couple of days.

Apollo: Friggin' awesome!

John Hamm: This will also be useful with all the crimes I'm planning on committing. Harder to identify.

Apollo: Burn your fingerprints off, too.

John Hamm: Like in Men in Black, exactly - way ahead of you.

 

I have weird friends, but now I also understand that Apollo's real reason for not coming home is that the chances of him getting arrested increase as the distance between him and us gets smaller...

 

 

Anyway, I'm glad Apollo is getting a new car. It's well overdue. Maybe it can be John Hamm's getaway car...