I'm a Total Lady Douchebag

It's true, duckies. Yesterday, I was all "I'm totally going to post today" and then guess what I didn't end up doing....

I have a good reason, though! You see, episode 3 of Awkwardly Wonderful Dating Advice was supposed to go up yesterday, but then YouTube was all "NOT YET! YOU NEED TO DO STUFF!!" Unfortunately, I didn't hear this because I was out having drinks with John Hamm who was out of town for the past few days. So, it wasn't until I got home that I realized that YouTube needed me.

So we cuddled for a bit, but by that point it was way past midnight, so I knew I couldn't post then, and now we're here, having this conversation...

Anyway, it's ironic that I act this way this week, since episode 3 is all about lady douchebags. Enjoy!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCEYbWGKBUI&w=560&h=315]

Don't forget to email us your stories or your favorite dating outfits for next week's episode!! akwardlywonderful@gmail.com

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It Wouldn't Be My Life If A Simple Visit to the Vet Didn't Turn Into Something Ridiculous.

Happy Hump Day, Duckies!! Today is about my dog, Gio. You've all met him, right?

Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.... Spring is coming!!!!

Anyway, so he was due for his yearly rabies shot and other vaccines to make sure he doesn't turn into some crazy beast and go Hulk on my neighborhood or something. Or so that he doesn't get sick. One of those, but I can never remember.

Anyway... We walk into the exam room for the first time in a year, and Gio immediately runs behind my legs, hiding between me and the wall.

Because he's a big, brave boy.

Me: Oh... so, I should warn you. He's really scared of getting vaccines.

Vet: Okay, that's fine. Does he get aggressive or anything?

Me: No, not at all! He just wiggles around a whole bunch, trying to escape, and then he'll howl like you're snapping his legs off instead of just pricking them with a needle.

Vet (to Gio): Haha, so we've got a drama king on our hands, do we?

Me: Big time.

Vet: Alright, well I'll bring in another vet to help out. No worries.

It took THREE vets to keep my 44-pound dog still. THREE. One vet was bear-hugging him, the other vet was clamping his paws together to keep his legs still, and the third one was supposed to give him the actual vaccinations. Meanwhile, I was sitting in front of him and just constantly telling him that it was going to be okay.

Because this wouldn't be life if a simple visit to the vet didn't turn into something ridiculous.

Anyway, Gio is looking at me with sheer panic in his eyes and I'm all "Calm down! You're fine!" and then he lets out the most blood-chilling howl I've ever heard in my entire life. People in the waiting room probably got nervous about using these doctors.

So, my dog is screaming bloody murder, and I look down at his leg and that's when I realized the most embarrassing thing about this whole situation: The vet was just applying the alcohol swab. The needle hadn't even appeared yet.

I think it's safe to say that the risk of Gio Hulking out on my neighborhood is a pretty low one. Like, if there was a risk scale from 1-10... he'd be at -7.

So, while I'm feverish and achy, my dog never left my side. He also stole and used my tempurpedic pillow for three days.

***

In other news, we're getting ready to film Episode 3 of Awkwardly Wonderful Dating Advice and we'd love to hear from some more guys about times when chicks have done some seriously crappy stuff on dates. This whole episode focuses on Female Dating Etiquette. We always hear about when guys are jerks, but we recognize that the female gender is nowhere near perfect (Sorry, ladies, but it's true). Help us fix that!

So for all of you who date women, please send us your crazy stories/questions to awkwardlywonderful@gmail.com

Thanks so much for all your support and views, Duckies! Please keep sharing the show! We are having so much fun doing this!

I'm Actually Surprised That I Made It Through Security.

So, as you may or may not remember, Duckies. Last week I was in New York City. This story has nothing to do with that, though, because the entire thing takes place in line at the airport.

So, there was this dude in front of me at the check-in line who had a GIANT suitcase. Like... he might have had a great dane in there. He didn't though, as I found out, because he bent down to open it while we were still waiting to be checked in, and he had another suitcase inside it. I was... fascinated by this guy.

So, naturally, I struck up a conversation because I just had to know what was going on there, and it turns out that he was a very nice young gent from St. Louis who was on his way home from College. Suddenly, things were making more sense.

Anyway, we wished each other safe flights and went our separate ways.

Okay, so before you start thinking that this ended up in some cute romantic scene at the airport bar, it doesn't. Instead it ends with me being weird when we ran into each other at the airport security line, where I found myself behind him in line for the second time that day.

St. Louis: Oh, hello again.

Me: Oh, hi! I'm not stalking you, I promise.

St. Louis: Oh good. Things could have been weird if you were.

So then all of a sudden, the airport security guy was all "Bag check!"

St. Louis: Is it for that gift bag?

Security Guard: Yeah, what's in it?

St. Louis: It's a gift for my girlfriend's parents. They're bath salts.

Security Guard: Alright, well we're gonna have to investigate it real fast.

St. Louis: Yeah, that's fine. Turns to me: Sorry about this..

Me: Oh, it's fine. I have plenty of time. That's a nice gift, though, so kudos.

St. Louis: Thanks! I can't take credit, though, it was totally her idea.

Me: Ha, fair enough. Still, nice thought. Although... I can see why these guys would be suspicious, since those things turn people into zombies and all...

And then there was an awkward silence just before they asked him to step out of line while they examined his bath salts.

I never saw him after that, so I sincerely hope I didn't get him detained or anything...

***

Anyway, in other news, I'm proud to announce that Pixie Stick and I are going forth with our web series Awkwardly Wonderful Dating Advice. Get ready to hear our weird stories and answers to all your dating questions, which you can and should send to awkwardlywonderful@gmail.com. It's sure to be amazing.

Your love life will never be the same. Probably.

More updates to come!!

It's a Strange Form of Logic...

A conversation I had last night with Gumby: Me: Ugh... I'm so tired... I don't know if I'll make it home...

Gumby: Just go outside and get a mouthful of sand.

Me: ... ...what?

Gumby: What? There's no way you could fall asleep with a bunch of sand in your mouth. It's just impossible.

Me: That's actually a really good point...

***

In other news, Pixie Stick of Wandering Through Wonderland and I have been getting together a lot this year to share our stories of failed dating scenarios over brunch. Yes, mimosas are required and enjoyed thoroughly. Anyway, we got to thinking that we'd like to share a lot of these stories with you guys and to start hearing some of your own... Then the idea blossomed into starting a YouTube series where we answer any dating questions that you all may have... We're thinking of calling this show "Awkwardly Wonderful Dating Advice." What are your thoughts? We'd love to hear what you think.

Also, The Bloggess posted this link yesterday that totally blew my mind. Click below for more and remember that I love you.

Don't Kill Yourself. Your Dentist Will Miss You.