Dear Diary: What Has Greg Been Up To??? AKA The Return of Dear Diary: Greg! Part 1.




Okay, I'll try and stop freaking out. I know that most of you loved Greg just as much as we do, but for those of you that don't know what the heck I'm talking about, let me explain. John Hamm, Lemon, and I used to legitimately jokingly stalk this guy that we worked with at the restaurant. His name is Greg and he was awesome. You can read all about him and our other obsessive diary entries here, here, here, and here

And then, out of nowhere, Greg moved... which I'm positive had nothing to do with us... and our tendency to write obsessive yet hilarious diary entries about him... The three of us girls sank into a deep, lonely depression. We got together nightly to cry over the loss of our great love... We listened to a lot of Celine Dion... 

Anyway, about a week ago, GREG CONTACTED US. He totally commented on the blog and was all "Bring back more diary entries!! I miss you guys!" And we were all "OMG GREG!!!!" 

So Greg.... You asked for it, buddy. We revived our obsessive teenage selves and went to town. 

Dear Diary: Where has Greg been?! Has he been fishing the Atlantic coasts a la George Cloone in The Perfect Storm?

Dear Diary: What do you think Greg's been doing? Perhaps he discovered sunken treasure in the Bermuda Triangle?

Dear Diary: Is Greg hunting for Amelia Earhart? I know that was always a dream of his, Diary...

Dear Diary: Is it possible that Greg has traded out his hat for a flight cap and aviator goggles? Would I even recognize him if I saw him??

Dear Diary: Did the marmoset become the sultan of a small Caribbean island?

Dear Diary: Has Greg brought peace to any remote islands?

Dear Diary: I do not know if the Caribbean has sultans... Was Greg the first?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg has been living in a secret cloud city? Where they have erected a statue of the marmoset in Greg's hat in his honor?

Dear Diary: Has Greg tamed the Wild West?

Dear Diary: Has Greg been discovering the lost city of Atlantis?? 

Dear Diary: Maybe he happened upon a long lost underwater city what worships Ayn Rand!! 

Dear Diary: Were Greg and his marmoset on Oceanic Flight 815?!?!?! SO MANY QUESTIONS, DIARY!!!

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg has climbed the Eiffel Tower? 

Dear Diary: Have Greg and his marmoset been dead the whole time??

Dear Diary: Has Greg been stuck in his own dreams?

Dear Diary: Did Greg spin the top, and if so, has it fallen over yet?

Dear Diary: Is Greg Keyser Soze?!

Dear Diary: Did Greg find a time machine??? He could be anywhere! Any time! Do you think it could be possible, Diary???

Dear Diary: If Greg had a time machine, do you think he'd go back and fight the Nazis with Wonder Woman and Indiana Jones?

Dear Diary: I think Greg was punching Nazis.

Dear Diary: Is Greg The Doctor? Is the marmoset his companion?? 

Dear Diary: Did Greg and the marmoset go back and write all of Shakespeare's plays for him?

Dear Diary: Has Greg colonized the moon?

Dear Diary: Is Greg's hat a fashionable tiny TARDIS?

Dear Diary: Was Greg's chef knife actually a sonic screwdriver?

Dear Diary: Is Greg responsible for Stonehenge? 

Dear Diary: Had Greg been responsible for 90% of the shady back room deals in Washington for the past 10 years?

Dear Diary: Did Edward Snowden leak classified NSA documents about Greg's hat? 

Dear Diary: Was it Greg in the crash at Area 51? 

Dear Diary: Has Greg been hiding with Snowden in Moscow?? 

Dear Diary: If Snowden applied to Greg for asylum, do you think he'd grant it?

Dear Diary: He would have to live in the TARDIS hat for the rest of his life... 

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg's hat serves as a mini helicopter? Like Inspector Gadget? Has he been cruising back and forth through the Grand Canyon? 

Dear Diary: ...Was Greg the second gunman? Was it the marmoset? 

Dear Diary: If Greg fell in the forest and no one was around to hear it, would it still make a sound?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg has been a shrimp boat captain? 

Dear Diary: Is his company called "Bubba Greg Shrimp?" Is the slogan "You girls are so weird..."? 

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg constructed the pyramids?

Dear Diary: Why has Greg chosen now to contact us? Is the world in peril once again?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg has been keeping his own diary? Are we real? What if we are only manifestations of his writing? Paranoid now, Diary...

Dear Diary: Is Greg incepting us? Whose dream is this?? 

To be continued...

Dear Diary: I'm Feeling Nostalgic

For some reason, I've been thinking a lot about when John Hamm, Lemon, and I used to write these ridiculous diary posts about our now former co-worker, Greg. He was the best... And then he ran away because having girls stalk you and publish that on the internet is weird for some unknown reason.Anyway, I've gained a lot of new followers in the recent past WHICH IS FRACKING AWESOME, but when I realized that many of you may not have actually gotten to experience the glory that is Dear Diary: Greg, it made me sad. So, here's a throwback. Just for you.

One of my jobs is as a hostess at a swanky wine bar (frightened by the fact that they let me be the welcoming face of a fancy restaurant? I understand.) A few of my friends who work there started a game with one of our chefs, Greg - or rather, about him. Real quick, let me describe Greg: Greg is tall. Greg has tattoos. Greg wears the same hat every day.

You see, our lunch hostess, "Lemon", and my best friend, who has requested to be referred to as "John Hamm" in this blog, were working the lunch shift. Let me explain how boring the lunch shift can be: soooooooooooooooooo boring. If you are ever stuck working said shift (as Lemon and my best friend John Hamm usually are) you must find a way to entertain yourself.

On this particular day, Lemon had been writing in her notebook. What she was writing is not important, but Greg walked by and had to ask...

Greg: What's that, your diary?

Lemon: Yup. I'm writing about you. "Dear Diary: Greg is so tall..."

Then Greg laughed like he didn't care and kept on walking (At least this is what I imagine he did. I wasn't there, so I have to go with my gut on this one). Lemon and John Hamm, however, just realized that they had discovered a new game - and thus "Dear Diary Greg" was born.

I eventually started contributing as well, though I must say that most of the classics come from John Hamm and Lemon. After many weeks of humoring ourselves and making Greg feel uncomfortable, he has given me permission to publish all of our diary entries here on the internet for all of you to read...even though he has no idea what any of them are.

Here are the best of the "Dear Diary Greg" entries that we have come up with... enjoy!

*** Dear Diary: I had a dream that Greg couldn't say the number 3. What does it mean, Diary?

Dear Diary: I had a dream that Greg wore a cape and had whisks for hands. What does it mean?

Dear Diary: I just watched Greg tear a box in half with his bare hands! He's so strong!

Dear Diary: I just watched Greg twist the heads off lobsters. Should I find this strangely erotic, Diary?

Dear Diary: Greg just called me weird. ... Do you think it means he loves me?

Dear Diary: What would mine and Greg's kids look like? Would they be born with hats and tattoos?

Dear Diary: Greg came into work mildly grumpy today. I hope everything is ok. Should I send him an edible arrangement?

Dear Diary: A customer came in tonight with a hat just like Greg's! Could there be two of them, Diary?!

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg has an entire closet full of the same hat?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg's hat gives him superpowers? Or do they just come naturally?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg hides things under his hat? Maybe a pet marmoset?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg would wear a grey hat if I bought him one? Or is it too edgy for him?

Dear Diary: Should I start calling him Gregory? Could it be our thing?

Dear Diary: I wonder where Greg got his tattoos done. Maybe he just willed them into existence?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg's tattoos are sentient?

Dear Diary: I had a dream that Greg fought crime on the back of a flying, sassy camel. What does it mean?

Dear Diary: I had a dream that Greg assaulted 80s screen idol Eric Stoltz with a sack of cupcakes. What does it mean?

Dear Diary: I had a dream that Greg was in the brat pack classic "St. Elmo's Fire." He played every role. What does it mean?

Dear Diary: I dreamed Greg was Jareth in a Spanish reenactment of "Labyrinth." It was rather disturbing, Diary. What do you think it means?

Dear Diary: I had a dream that I was snuggling with hundreds of puppies, but they were all wearing Greg's hat with ear holes and they had puppy tattoos just like his! Do you think this means that Greg likes to snuggle, Diary?

Dear Diary: Greg's mean. >:(

Dear Diary: Greg apologized. He's so sweet, Diary... :)

Dear Diary: Greg wasn't at work today... Do you think he's sick? Should I bring him some homemade soup or are we not there yet? What do you think, Diary?

Dear Diary: Greg thought I was mad at him today even though I wasn't. Does this mean he loves me, Diary???

Dear Diary: Did you know that Greg lives on top of cupcakes?? He's so cool...

Dear Diary: Greg asked me a question today and I answered him. It was awesome.

Think you can come up with some more Dear Diary, Greg classics??? Post them in the comments box for all of us to enjoy!!

Dear Diary: Greg's Hat: THE HAUNTENING!!!

That's right, people. It's Dear Diary: Greg - THE HALLOWEEN EDITION!!!! Come on, you had to have known this was coming - and if you didn't, then you are sooooo welcome, because this is the best Halloween present anyone could get.

Happy Halloween, everyone!!


Dear Diary: What do you think Greg will dress up as for Halloween?

Dear Diary: If he wears a fur coat, could he be Big Foot? Do you think we could scare woodmen?!

Dear Diary: Would he trick-or-treat?

Dear Diary: I'm on the fence about candy corn. What do you think Greg would say? I feel his opinion is vital.

Dear Diary: What if Greg and his marmoset get matching costumes! That'd be so adorable, Diary!

Dear Diary: Do you think with the right yellow accessorizing Greg could be Big Bird for Halloween? It'd be hilarious and topical!

Dear Diary: I think Greg should dress up as Captain Hook. He'd cutup and cook the crocodile, I bet.

Dear Diary: I think Greg should go as Treebeard and his marmoset could be a Hobbit!

Dear Diary: I can think of a list of video game characters, but I don't think Greg would appreciate them...

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg sends the marmoset to get candy?

Dear Diary: Can Greg train the marmoset to say "trick-or-treat?"

Dear Diary: I wish we could throw a Halloween party just to see Greg in costume...

Dear Diary: What do you think Greg's favorite candy is?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg will carve a pumpkin this year?

Dear Diary: Should I carve a pumpkin to look like Greg? I'd give it a hat just like his!

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg would carve a different gourde just to be all cheffy? No... Greg would never be that pretentious... Would he?

Dear Diary: How can I dress up as the thing that scares me the most for Halloween when that's the thought of never seeing Greg again? Dilemma, Diary!!

Dear Diary: Maybe all three of us can sit on each other's shoulders to dress up as Greg!! One of us could even be the marmoset!!

Dear Diary: I think Greg should be a warlock.

Dear Diary: Greg isn't a warlock?

Dear Diary: What if Greg dressed up as the marmoset and the marmoset dressed up as Greg? What an adorable switcheroo, Diary!!

Dear Diary: What if they dress up as us, Diary??

Dear Diary: What if Greg was Captain Nemo and the marmoset was the giant squid? ...Or should it be the opposite?

Dear Diary: ...That might be the happiest AND creepiest day of my life.

Dear Diary: What do you think Greg's favorite Halloween movie is? I bet it's Hocus Pocus!

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg will do ghost hunting this Halloween?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg has a real cauldron?

Dear Diary: Do you think ghosts hunt Greg?

Dear Diary: Are ghosts jealous of the living because we still get to hang out with Greg?

Dear Diary: Do you think the marmoset helps protect Greg from the ghosts?

Dear Diary: you think Greg is a ghost? Is that why he won't let us take pictures of him?

Dear Diary: don't think Greg is really dead, do you? Is that the reason for the suffering of humanity and the emptiness of existence? No Greg?

Dear Diary: It's all making sense now... My world is crashing down around me, Diary!!

Dear Diary: It couldn't be! His hat shines a light to all mankind, just not everyone has seen it yet!

Dear Diary: This is all getting very scary!!!!!

Dear Diary: We need to do some serious tests here. That's right: we need to call the Ghost Busters.

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg could pull of a one man interpretation of Sleepy Hollow? I'd buy a ticket.

Dear Diary: I wonder if Greg can sing?