An Acetone Intervention

Okay, soo..... We all know that I can't be trusted with anything even remotely involving risk, right? I mean, this is sort of all Fiancé's fault for casually thinking that I understood the dangers here. Allow me to explain.

Fiancé and I are getting married a week from tomorrow (AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!) and we've been very DIY with this whole wedding thing. Many people have had to convince me that I cannot, in fact, do everything myself. Hiring people to do things is worth it, and while those people are correct and I am relieved that I won't be spending the morning of my wedding panicking about making flower crowns, there are still plenty of things that we are willing to do ourselves.

Things like... staining and painting the wooden signs that will be directing people toward parking and other wedding-related shenanigans.

It all seemed like a very good idea at the time and perhaps for normal, more stable and steady-handed people it still would be considered a good idea.

And let me be clear about the fact that I wasn't a complete idiot about this process. I made plenty of good decisions!

Smart choices made by me include:

  1. Doing this outside.
  2. Wearing clothes that I was prepared to ruin.
  3. Bringing beer to the space. (Fun fact: Grammarly was all "this should be Bringing beer to space" and ummm... STOP READING MY DIARY, GRAMMARLY.)
  4. Playing awesome tunes.

See? Already you're more confident in me than you thought you would be.

But let's return to one of those smart choices I mentioned: the clothes. Choice number 2. I was totally prepared to sacrifice my jean shorts and my Guns & Roses crop top. A few stain stains would only make them cooler, in my opinion. And I would like to take this opportunity to point out that Fiancé said nothing. He did not warn me, NOR DID HE TELL ME HOW AWESOME I LOOKED.

So we stained, and it was all "La, la, la, staining, staining, staining, la la la" and then we had to wait for that coat to dry, so I sat down on the blanket I brought out (great choice number 5, thank you very much) and I looked down at my legs and I was all "Oh cool!! Look, honey, I'M ALL SPECKLY!!!"

Fiancé was not entertained.

Fiancé: Holy crap, Emelie, no!!

Me: What? How do you not think this is awesome? My legs look like a dinosaur egg.

Fiancé: Babe, that's going to stain your skin.

Me: Yeah, but it's not like I'm not going to shower.

Fiancé: Emelie, I got some wood stain on my hand like ten years ago and it only just started to fade.

Me: ....No... But we're getting married next week! And then we're going on a honeymoon! I can't have dinosaur egg legs and feet for all that!

Fiancé: I agree.

Me: What do we do?!?

Fiancé then threw a wet paper towel at me and said "Start scrubbing. I'll be right back."

And then, while I got to work, he ran inside and returned shortly with a giant bowl of soapy water, a rag, a bottle of lotion, and a giant jug of acetone, which for some weird reason I didn't think to ask where he found it or why we have it, but apparently we do and I'm weirdly grateful. I picture Fiancé at the hardware store one day and seeing that and thinking "Who would ever need such a thing?" and then thinking about me and quietly sighing while he placed it in the cart because he just knew that one day I would probably do something that would require an acetone intervention (new band name?). Good call, honey.

And then Fiancé handed me a paper towel soaked in acetone and said "this is going to burn" right before he took his own acetone-soaked rag and started washing my feet as though I were Jesus and he a lowly prostitute.

And that's love, I think, especially because he managed to keep my pedicure in perfect condition, which is impressive that this stuff is the main ingredient in nail polish remover.

Oh, and yes, it burned. A lot. Hence the lotion. He's such a smart guy. The yin to my yang.

In other news, this is my final blog post before I'm married, which is nuts!! I'll be gone from the blog for the next three weeks, but I have a series of guest blog posts from AMAZING people coming at you while I'm away, so stick around and give them your love!

I love you all, friends. Keep being amazing and embrace your awkwardness. Muah!


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks from me, please click here

I expect puppies and other updates.

A conversation I had with my Bestbian/maid of honor yesterday:

So... I think I'm on the right track here, right? Are my expectations too high?

In other news, it is June now, which means that my first ever Awkward Ambassadors have just gotten their first rewards for backing me on Patreon and I had so much fun putting them together. In fact, I had so much fun that I'm thinking about upping my game and including some other stuff for Patreon backers... maybe a weekly exclusive vlog? What are your thoughts?

Even if you don't back me on Patreon, you still get to partake in some of the benefits! For example, right now I'm asking for suggestions for which charity I should donate 10% of this month's earnings toward. If you have ideas, head over to the Patreon page now and let me know!

Oh! And I have fun news for you gaming nerds: Fiancé just went nuts and bought a ridiculous amount of streaming and recording equipment so that we can Twitch stream with a little bit more professionality. Tonight. So, if you're like us and you're not going out on a Friday night, stay home and watch us try and maintain a healthy and loving relationship while playing videogames together! Watch my twitter account for more details.

Okay, I think that's all for now! Sorry this isn't so much of a real post as it is just a deluge of information, but... wedding brain? TWO WEEKS! AH!


Do you write words? I need you! Specifically, I need guest bloggers to help me out while I’m on my honeymoon. This gig does not pay in dollars, but it pays in gratitude, and hopefully some new fans for you, so if you’re interested, please email me: samuelson dot emelie at gmail dot com.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks from me, please click here

Three weeks.

Holy crap y'all. I'm about to have a husband in three weeks. What is happening? When did I become a grown-up? Aren't I supposed to stop using terms like "grown-up" at this point? There is a lot of joy right now, of course, and thankfully not so much stress. Everything is pretty much set to go and all that's really left is the final payments and the execution of all these plans we've been putting into place over the past year.

The thing that I didn't anticipate, however, was how often I would be having the exact same conversation with every single person I run into. 

Person 1: Hey, Em!

Me: Hi!

Person 1: Getting close, right?

Me: Yup!

Person 1: Are you ready?

Me: I think so!

Person 1: Ah, it's just going to be so much fun.

Me: It sure is!

And then we politely say goodbye and I move on with my life until two minutes later when this happens....

Person 2: Hey, Em!

Me: Hi!

Person 2: Getting close, right?

And so on and so forth until I get home to Fiancé after nine million other people have talked to me.

Me: Did you know that our wedding is coming up?

Fiancé: ....did you not?

And then I close my eyes and fall asleep because I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted, not from planning a wedding and trying to get everything in order, but instead from having had the same conversation every moment of every day now. It's like some form of mental torture.

We've all been there. Anyone who has ever broken a leg or decided to suddenly grow a beard. All of you who are about to graduate or have babies, I know you know exactly what I mean. Suddenly to everyone in your life all you become is the exciting new thing that is happening to you. Nothing else about you is worth discussing anymore.

Me: I wrote a novel.

Person 1: ABOUT HOW YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?

...

Me: I've discovered a way to reverse the effects of global warming!

Person 2: GREAT! NOW YOUR WEDDING CAN BE OUTSIDE!

...

Me: I FOUND THE WARDROBE THAT LEADS TO NARNIA!!!!

Person 3: YOU SHOULD HAVE YOUR WEDDING THERE!!!!

I know most people mean well. Everyone is bringing it up because it is this huge and monumentally insane occasion happening in my life and it's fair to think that it's all that is on my mind, so I smile through it all and I bear it, because it's all meant with love. And that's what this whole thing is about, right? It's about love. It's about the love that Fiancé and I have for one another, and the love that our friends and family have for us and the love that we hope to continue having and sharing and experiencing for the rest of eternity until we die in a firey ball of death. Or repetitive conversation.

And it's not that I don't want to talk about my wedding at all with anyone ever. Of course I do. This is incredibly exciting for me and it would be weird if no one was acknowledging that it was happening. It's just strange to feel like this is all that some people see when they talk to me now: A bride.

Maybe this is why people elope. Then again when people find out you elope, you start to have that conversation over and over again, so really... there is no winning, is there? Now just imagine if you were getting married, you broke your leg, your fiancé suddenly grew a beard AND you found out you were pregnant ALL RIGHT BEFORE GRADUATION.

Perhaps that is the only way. People would be overloaded by these momentous events in your life that they would just avoid you for fear of a conversational implosion of doom!!

Anyway, that's what's going on with me. How are you?


Do you write words? I need you! Specifically, I need guest bloggers to help me out while I'm on my honeymoon. This gig does not pay in dollars, but it pays in gratitude, and hopefully some new fans for you, so if you’re interested, please email me: samuelson dot emelie at gmail dot com.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks from me, please click here

My brain is mush... or a delirious rant about being sick.

I've been sick all week, which has been only sort of fun, and by that I mean absolutely no fun at all. I mean, I had coffee for the first time all week yesterday. Yesterday was Thursday. I WENT FOUR DAYS WITHOUT COFFEE AND HOW AM I STILL ALIVE?

I may never know the answer to that question.

At one point, I was sick on the couch with a sore throat, and coughing and whatnot, Fiancé was also coughing, but not as badly as me, and then Gio just started puking. How? Why? What even?

But now we're all on the mend and everything is just fine and I'm drinking coffee again and we can all STOP PANICKING.

Okay, it's possible that I'm still hopped up on cold medicine. I don't know.

Also, it's summer now. Should colds even still be happening? Isn't it called a cold because you get it when it's really cold outside? It was 95 degrees outside yesterday and all of a sudden I have the cold of all colds. This is unreasonable.

Anyway, here is a list of things that I did/watched while sick and my thoughts on those things:

  • Outlander - Ooo lala, the Scottish steaminess is nice. Fiancé and I started watching this because we're going to Scotland on our honeymoon and we were like "this will get us excited!" and now we're obsessed. Plus, there's nothing like being at your least attractive level of attractiveness and watching something incredibly romantic. Yeeeeaaaaah buddy.
  • Family Tree - I adore Chris O'Dowd. Everything he does is just oddly delightful. I highly recommend. Plus, there's a grown woman who talks through a monkey puppet and Fiancé pointed out that I do the exact same thing with our dog, so... self-esteem points have definitely been gained.
  •  Must Love Dogs - oh my gosh, this movie has almost nothing to do with loving dogs. NEITHER ONE OF THESE PEOPLE EVEN OWNS A DOG, THEY JUST BORROW SOMEONE ELSE'S DOG. THAT'S IT. It should just be called Must Love Someone Else's Dog.
  • Critical Role - Because obviously. Fiancé and I have been watching a lot of Twitch Streams lately and I think I'm finally starting to understand why sports fans watch sports things. Oh! Fiancé and I have also been toying with starting a Twitch channel where we play games together. Interested? Tell me in the comments below!

And that's all I can remember right now.... what do you like to watch when you're sick? Why do you think colds strike in the heat? How long has it been since you've had coffee?

Have a great day, friends!


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks from me, please click here

We got a new oven! ...and I'm already banned from using it.

So, Fiance and I got a new oven installed in our apartment this morning, and if you follow me on Twitter, this is not news to you, but if you don't, let me catch you up:

This was super exciting because our oven was pretty old and temperamental (in a bad way) and while I loved that it had character, that character was a bit frustrating, so getting a new (used) oven was hopefully going to drastically improve things so that I could bake even more things, and pretend to be a cheeky British person in a tent on the grounds of some castle somewhere hoping to win a cake plate. A girl can dream...

So this morning, my mood was this:

 

Everything was going according to plan. Until I got hungry and decided to make a pot of macaroni and cheese (the lunch of adults) while simultaneously attempting to bake a lemon poppyseed bread loaf. I think it was the multitasking that was really the problem. That and the fridge magnets... Allow me to explain...

You see, we have these magnets on the fridge that double as chip clips, and they are very handy at holding cute pictures of nieces, but my cookbook wasn't staying open to the right page and I desperately needing something clippy to fix that. So there it was, the clip I needed, dutifully sitting on the fridge, holding an adorable photo of Fiance's niece. I needed the clip.

So I unclipped the picture and attempted to set it on top of the fridge temporarily, but then a breeze came in through the window or maybe I didn't actually set the picture far enough away from the edge of the fridge or something, but either way, the picture fell. We don't need to start pointing fingers as to who is responsible here.

It should be noted that the fridge is right next to our new oven that I was so excited to use, and the pot of water for the mac and cheese was boiling on the burner that is closest to the fridge.

So Fiance's little niece fell from atop the fridge and down to.... well...

Luckily, she did not land in the pot of boiling water. Unluckily, she did land in a way that her arm was maybe too close to the burner.

Okay, fine, her arm was touching the burner.

Me: AH!!!

Fiancé: (from the next room) What happened?

Me: Nothing... everything is fine!

Fiancé: ...I don't believe you.

Me: Don't come in here!

Fiancé: ...why?

Me: Because I may or may not have set your niece on fire!

Fiancé: What?! HOW?!?

Me: WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ASK SO MANY QUESTIONS?!

Needless to say... I don't think I'll be asked to babysit at his sister's house for a while...

There is a Disney movie playing inside of my brain at all times.

The other day, Fiancé was driving me to work with our dog, Gio, in the back seat. We take Gio with us because he loves the car rides and he can't be trusted when there is butter somewhere in the house, which there almost always is. Anyway, it was one of those rare times when all three of us were just kind of sitting quietly, which for some people is fine, but for me, never lasts too long because I inevitably make myself start laughing, which is what happened right before this conversation: Fiancé: What are you giggling at?

Me: Well, we're just sitting here not talking, and I was thinking about scenes like that in movies where everyone is just kind of sitting quietly and then the camera pans from person to person and you hear what's going on inside their head, you know?

Fiancé: Yeah...

Me: So I was thinking about what it would sound like if someone did that to us right now.

Fiancé: And?

Me: Well, it would go to Gio and he'd be all "OH MY GOD, THERE'S SNOW EVERYWHERE, LOOK AT THE SNOW! OH! WHAT'S THAT? DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT THING? HEY, YOUR FACE SMELLS GOOD. WAIT, TURN LEFT HERE, WE NEVER TURN LEFT HERE, I BET THERE'S SOMETHING FUN THAT WAY!" And then it would go to your head and it would be all "Numbers and math and what's on my to-do list, blah, blah blah or whatever it is that you think about."

Fiancé: Oh god... that's what I sound like?

Me: Shush, we're getting to the best one.

Fiancé: Right. What happens when we get to your head? Wait, let me guess.... Is it just the same as Gio's?

Me: No. It would get to my head and it would just be "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOONNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEE FIGHTS LIKE GASTON, NO ONE'S RIGHT LIKE GASTON, NO ONE'S NECK IS INCREDIBLY THICK LIKE GASTON'S! I USE ANTLERS IN ALL OF MY DEEEECOOORRRAAAATTTTING--"

Fiancé:  Oh wow.

Me: And that's when I started laughing. Except when you really think about it what would have happened when it got to my brain is that you would have heard me thinking about what was going on in everyone's brain and then it would have been an endless loop of what we were all thinking, which is crazy.

Fiancé: Like a thought bubble inside of a thought bubble.

Me: Exactly!

And then we returned to silence for the rest of the ride because I'm pretty sure it was too early for him to risk encouraging me. Plus, he would be spurring me on only to unleash me upon my co-workers and our customers, so really he was just doing his part to help keep the town safe. He's a good person.

In other news, I just saw Beauty and the Beast last night and I loved it so much!! Go see it and then tweet me. We'll talk.

via GIPHY

TO THE ROOF!

This week Fiancé and I discovered the joys of furniture assembly and arrangement as a couple. There was a whole lot of "No, really, the couch should go here," followed by "Oh my god, you were so right, this is all wrong, let's put it back the way it was," and then "That looks awful, doesn't it? Maybe we should just put it all on the roof and call it a day?" The biggest issue is that we live in 200-year-old tiny farm house with tiny rooms and crooked walls and we bought a bunch of modern-sized furniture from Ikea that doesn't fit in said tiny farm house with tiny rooms and crooked walls. Plus, we have double the amount of stuff now that we're living together. So, I'm suggesting we put stuff on the roof.

Fiancé: You mean the attic?

Me: What? No! It's haunted up there. I mean the roof.

Fiancé: Why?

Me: Because we have too much furniture right now.

Fiancé: So you want to put it on the roof?

Me: Yes.

Fiancé: How are you going to get to the roof?

Me: A ladder. Or magic?

Fiancé: What furniture is going up there?

Me: At least some chairs. We have too many chairs.

Fiancé: Oh, like the designer chair you got from your sister?

Me: NO! I love that chair!

Fiancé: I have a feeling that you just mean my furniture.

Me: You said it, not me.

Fiancé: I think we can put the shoe trunk on the roof. I hate that thing. It's dangerous, it smells weird, and it's impossible to find any of our shoes in there.

Me: I agree. That furniture plan did not work out. It's going on the roof.

Fiancé: Great. Except... It has all of our shoes in it. I don't want to go up on the roof without any shoes.

Me: TOO BAD IT'S ALREADY DECIDED I'M GETTING THE LADDER!

Cohabitation is going really well, you guys.

***

In other news, I wrote a piece about Book Guilt and it's over on Books, Ink's Hamlet Hub. Go check it out, but only if you want to!