BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FISH.

A conversation I had with The Mr as we were getting into bed: Me: Do you think fish ever get headaches?

The Mr: I'm sorry, 'do fish get headaches?'

Me: Or any animals, I suppose. Do animals get headaches?

The Mr: I've never really thought about it.

Me: It must be so terrible to have a headache as an animal. I wonder what they do about it. Because it's not a life-or-death malady, is it? It's just an annoyance, but it can be so annoying that you can't do anything else... but I feel like animals don't really have that luxury, do they? They can't be like "Not tonight, I have a headache." or "I don't feel like hunting today, my head hurts," or on the flip side when one animal sees another animal out on the hunting grounds that isn't usually there, they're not like "Hey Steve, what are you doing out here today?" and then Steve has to be all "Oh, just seeking out some herbs for Julie. She's got a massive migraine," you know?

The Mr: I don't think that's how the animal kingdom works.

Me: Yeah, but you can't tell me that we're the only species that gets headaches.

The Mr: Well... most headaches are caused by dehydration, so... yeah, I'm sure animals get headaches.

Me: Okay, BUT WHAT ABOUT FISH?? They're never dehydrated.

The Mr: Good night, honey.

via GIPHY


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And then the Internet happened.

I was skyping with my dear friend Pixie Stick last night, and she was telling me about how she went on a date with a guy she met online. Me: Wow, really? You're doing the whole internet dating thing now?

Pixie Stick: Well, Emelie... I was home and a little drunk the other night and I thought "Why not?"

Me: Interesting... which site?

She told me and I went onto the site to check out her selection, and that's when I discovered why the Internet is a wonderful and scary place... yet again. I ended up writing down mine and Pixie Stick's greatest comments while window shopping for men (the way that God intended it.) Enjoy!:

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"Who are these people and why would he choose a picture of himself with a dead fish?"

"Oh, here's another one of a guy with a dead fish!!! Except this guy is hot."

"Oh my gawd that fish is HUGE."

""I don't think anyone can beat this 'fix-it' guy... He looks like a Norse god who wandered down from the mountains and into the pizzeria."

"See? It's cool when you do internet dating with somebody else, but it's weird when you do it alone... Like... sex."

"Oh no, another dead fish! Except it's a child!" ... "Wait....WHAT?"

"Wait!! He was kidnapped in Amsterdam by the Romanian mafia!!"

"Well.. now the internet will think I am a lesbian."

"I feel better now that I know he's the mascot and not the guy with the boner."

"His career is science!!"

"What is that, a selfie in a mall?"

This guy is in the military... oh but he's only 5'6" ... "He probably has a Napoleon complex"

"This guy is wearing a hooters shirt at the beach..."

"This is just a picture of David Beckham!" ... "Are you sure it's not actually David Beckham?"

"He looks very surprised that someone photgraphed him v-jaying on his laptop."

"Why is he covered in blood?!?"

 

Moses Parted The Red Sea So That The Little Mermaid Could Strip... To Pay Her Way Through College... Obviously.

So, um... This exists

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Duckies... this is an abandoned underwater strip club.

It's location? The Red Sea.

Whaaaaaat??? I know! Moses parted the red sea, helped his people out of Egypt, and now Ariel is stripping there. Or she was. Now that it's been abandoned, I'm assuming that it's the current meeting spot for many a drug deal between Flounder and his gang members.

I have so many questions, though! Like... did the strippers dress up like mermaids? If so, what did those pole tricks look like? Did they shed their fins to reveal Starfish-shaped undergarments? I'm assuming they all wore seashell bras...

Or were they dressed like scuba divers? That strip show would take a while... Have you ever tried to shed a scuba suit? Me neither, but I imagine that it takes some effort.

And how was the food? Was it all seafood or were they serving burgers? I imagine that almost everything was nautical in some way or another....

Did people protest this establishment? Were they picketing outside the windows in scuba suits with signs? Hopefully they didn't try and chant...

Did they have a phone line? Could you call and make reservations? How was the wi-fi connection?

Can you imagine if a bar brawl broke out? What if they broke a window? Imagine the headlines...

How does one get down there? Submarine? Scuba diving?

HOW HAS A BOND MOVIE NOT USED THIS LOCATION????

And why was it abandoned? Did something tragic happen? Did a mermaid freak out and kill everyone? I'm assuming that someone found mermaids, captured them, and kept them here for awful strip shows.

WHAT IF THE WHOLE PLACE IS RUN BY MERMAIDS? What if it was never owned by humans at all?? What if this is the last surviving building from Atlantis?? Those perverts...

Anyway... what do you guys think?