LET ME LOVE YOU

Galentine’s Day is tomorrow, which is by far my favorite made up holiday*, because not only was it brought to fame by the glorious Amy Poehler on Parks and Rec, but in general it is just a day to celebrate the glory that is a platonic, loving friendship between females. It’s the ultimate chicks before dicks day.



To celebrate I wanted to share possibly the most quintessential examples of pure female friendship awesomeness.

Yesterday I texted a friend who we’ll call “Lane” with some exciting news that I shouldn’t really share here (but I did share it on my Patreon, so if you’re an Awkward Ambassador, you already know.)

Me: *shares exciting news*

Lane: Ahhhhhhhh. Yes yes yes yes. *quotes and confirms great news* And yes you are amazing.

Me: Can you just follow me around and say things like this all the time?

Lane: I am so happy for you and yes I WOULD GLADLY BE YOUR LIFE HYPE WOMAN.

Me: YES.

Lane: You’re killing itttttttt. You have no idea how happy I am right now. I’m like beaming. My friend has given me a few weird looks.

Me: YOU’RE MY HYPE WOMAN, JUST SEND THEM TO A LINK TO MY BLOG AND MAKE THEM LOVE ME.

Lane: I WILLLLLL

I realize that to some of you this might seem like a ridiculous conversation, because it’s just full of caps-lock screams, but to many of us, this is what true love and excitement looks like. I feel like everyone needs a Lane in their lives - or better yet, we all should be a Lane in each other’s lives!

So… what has been happening in your life that you’re excited about? It’s Galentine’s Day (or week? whatever) and I want to celebrate you, my friends (even if you’re not a lady), so leave a comment down below and share your fun news and let me squeel with excitement for you publicly! You know what? I’ll even post about them on my instagram story. BECAUSE FOR THE NEXT 24+ HOURS I AM YOUR LANE!**


*This is a strange term to me because aren’t all holidays made up holidays? Like… none of them are just natural holidays, but we act like some of them are more real than others. THEY’RE ALL JUST DAYS THAT WE CHOOSE TO MAKE SPECIAL DAYS, PEOPLE.

**Unless the thing that you’re excited about is like… that you murdered someone who something. I probably won’t be excited about your murder. Or your murdering? Because “your murder” would be if someone murdered you… which also wouldn’t be great. You know what? Let’s just avoid murder all together.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.




But then I realized that it was Friday the 13th and all of this seemed normal

Well hello there, friends! I'm sorry for my bloggy absence this past weekend, but activities took over and my brain couldn't handle putting words out by the end of it all. Sometimes we all need a little, unplanned break, don't we? One of those activities was a visit with my good friend, The Delightful R, who took the train in from Manhattan to New Haven where I met her. We hadn't seen one another since my wedding, so we were long overdue for an actual conversation.

Three ridiculous moments happened:

1. While eating a slice of Avocado Toast I stated without any irony at all, "We just want to own a house. That is seriously all we want right now." In my defense, that Avocado Toast also came with a fried egg on top and it was only $4.50, so... #MillennialMoment

2. We went to a restaurant, and our waiter came out and handed us the wine list and I said "Thank you so much" just as he stated what his name was, so all I heard was "My name is Zafefefefefe whenever you need anything else."

Because R and I knew that this couldn't really be his name, we were never really able to flag him down without just doing that awkward maneuver where you just wide-eye in any direction trying to make eye contact with anyone in an apron so that you can get more bread because WHY IS THE BREAD TO CHEESE RATIO ALWAYS SO OFF???

via GIPHY

And at one point, we tried to flag Zafefefefefe down, and we literally saw him FLEE THE RESTAURANT.

We eventually did get more bread and Zafefefefefe did return, but when he handed us our bill, it turned out his name was Anthoni.

3. Because we're ladies who had long journeys home after our wine and cheese, we needed to use the restroom at this restaurant. The restroom was down the hall, right next to the kitchen, and it was a single, so I let R go first while I waited patiently outside the door. Like a normal person.

THREE TIMES, different dudes came out of the kitchen and asked me "Did you try the door handle?" and then they would jiggle the handle as I said "YES I DID THERE IS SOMEONE IN THERE I KNOW HOW TO USE A DOOR," but in a slightly more polite tone maybe? Maybe not. It became increasingly frustrating.

By the time R came out I was like "I SWEAR THAT WASN'T ME TRYING TO BREAK DOWN THE DOOR," and I'm not sure I've ever experienced that bizarre level of mansplaining before... Either way, I almost forgot entirely about the weird door behavior because as soon as I entered the bathroom I was HORRIFIED. The wall opposite the toilet was just one giant mirror, so I was forced to just stare at myself while I peed. LIKE A NIGHTMARE.

And this isn't even including the bit where we got kicked out of a cemetery... sigh... other stories for other times.


In other news, the giveaway from last week's blog post is still going on. You should partake!


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

"SCATTER!" -My Brain.

My Bestbian is on her way to visit me from Boston RIGHT NOW and I am beyond excited because I haven't seen her since my wedding day (which was sadly the day I married someone other than her. Damn you, sexuality!)

We have MUCH catching up to do, so forgive me if this post is a little frazzled. Afterall, she now has to get to know me as a married lady and not her awesome, super hot single friend.

Just kidding. I've always been a married lady - I just only got the spouse recently.

Anyway, The Mr is yelling at me without using his words right now because the house needs to be cleaned just a little bit more before Bestbian arrives. I realize that sounds confusing, but it is possible to yell without actually using any sounds from your body. Basically, he's just walking around cleaning, but he's doing it really loudly, and history has taught me that this means "PLEASE GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND HELP ME PREPARE FOR YOUR FRIEND."

Or maybe he's just really passionate about cleaning?

Anyway, I should probably go... but to make up for this very scattered blog post, I'll be doing a live Q&A on Sunday night at 8pmEST for public #SundaySupdates! You should totally join me.

Also, here's a cute picture of my puppy who is definitely not this small anymore and is definitely trying to steal a sip of my vodka tonic as I write this. YOU'RE TOO YOUNG, ALOY.


#SundaySupdates, a live Q&A I do WHILST COOKING, is live and public this Sunday at 8pm! Most Sundays it’s just for the Patreon people, but the last Sunday of every month, I open it up to ALL OF YOU! Can’t make it? Post a question in the comments or on Twitter using the hashtag #SundaySupdates and I’ll answer it during the livestream!


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Love and Friends and Family and Mawwiage - A Guest Blog Post from Cole Campbell

Hello, friends! Over the next few weeks, I am away for my wedding and honeymoon, so I've invited some of my favorite writers to keep you entertained in my absence! Enjoy!! 


Hello everyone!

My name is Cole and I’m here to do a guest post for Emelie while she’s getting married and gallivanting off to Scotland for her honeymoon with Fiancé/Husband. (I’m not 100% sure where in the line up my post will fall so I’m being purposefully vague with times whether or not you’re reading this before or after she’s actually married. But hey, it kinda makes me feel like I’m in an episode of Doctor Who a wee bit. Yeah, I know that does not actually makes a whole lot of sense but let me have it, okay? Okay.)

ANYWAY!

When Emelie first asked me if I wanted to do a guest post for her I was like, “Sure! Of course! That’s Awesome! I’ll totally do that!” Then we hung up FaceTime, I thought for a short moment and was like, “CRAAAAAAAAAP WHY DID I SAY YES TO THAT?! I WRITE FICTION. I DON’T WRITE ABOUT MYSELF HOW WHAT WHY DO I DO THIIIIIIS?!”

I took some time to calm down.

Later, when I asked Emelie if she had any topic or idea she wanted me to cover, I was much more subtle about my trepidation (I hope). She responded with, essentially, “Lighthearted and fun is good but be yourself and do you!” I was like, “Thanks, that helps!” (Translation: That was not helpful AT ALL). I’m very much ad-libbing this from memory right now but you get the idea. So I started pondering. And I realized that recent events in my life combined with Emelie’s impending/already-happened nuptials mean a very specific topic is rattling pretty consistently around in my brain. And that, dear readers of a blog that is not mine, is Love and Friends, or the Family You Choose.

I mean, it’s not a shocking revelation or idea at all really but friends are just pretty freakin’ awesome, aren’t they? You meet someone and go: You, good person, are just amazing and I want you in my life forever, okay? Sometimes it’s a longer, slow process. Sometimes it’s snap-of-the-fingers quick. Emelie, for instance? She and I were friends for about a month(ish) before she moved out to Connecticut. And yet, despite time and distance we have become even closer. It just clicked. Insta! Done! Boom! Friends for life and there was little choice.

Except, technically, we did have a choice. We could not have skyped regularly, texted and kept in contact. We could have drifted apart and I wouldn’t have gotten excited updates about this guy she met, who became Boyfriend, wouldn’t have gotten an excited FaceTime reveal-of-the-ring when he became Fiancé and wouldn’t be going to/have been at (seriously this not knowing where in time my article is existing is CONFUSING) their wedding to see him become HUSBAND.

We made a choice to be friends. To be Family By Choice. AND THAT IS A TRULY AWESOME THING.

But seriously, though.

You meet certain people and they just stick to you like glue, or tree sap or those little foam packing peanuts, and they help you navigate life day by day whether they are in the same house, same town, or states or oceans away. Maybe they are family by blood, or maybe not. Maybe it was a romantic relationship that became a friendship, because you look at that person and go: The friendship at the heart of all this is too ridiculously valuable to set to the side and this is gonna hurt like nothing else but it’s worth it. Maybe you’ve known each other for more than a decade. Or maybe you just met. Connections between people are really, super-duper weird and random and varied I’ve found.

AND THAT’S WHAT MAKES THEM SO GOOD. LIKE DOGS AND CATS. (Don’t know if that makes any sense at all. It does in my brain).

I guess, basically, what I’m trying to say, (however badly, drawn-outly and incoherently) is to love the people in your life, that Family of Friends. Celebrate them in the every day because that is where they are rooted, in their weirdness, in their flaws, in their strengths and all the reasons you love them unconditionally.

And if they are someone who does the same back, keep them around, okay? So that one day, when you’re old, you can sit on a porch, with a nice breeze wafting by, rocking in your rocking chairs, and crack dirty jokes and trade bad puns because you’re still as awkward, nerdy, awesome and in love with each other as you were in your twenties (or whenever it was you met).

Because I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a pretty amazing future to me.


Cole is a writer and bookseller with a background in theatre based out of northeast Ohio. He (controversially) does not drink coffee but loves tea, hiking, and animals of all kinds. You can read/see what he's up to @colehcampbell (Twitter) and @colehollander (instagram).

 

 


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks from me, please click here

So... I'm screwed up, but in a cute way... right?

This week was a weird week and it involved a lot of panic attacks, which I won't dive into, but it also involved my friend, Sookie (not her real name, but she is the Sookie St James to my Lorelai Gilmore, so that is what she shall be called here), being lovely to me and wonderful in many ways, because last night, she felt the need to check in via text: Sookie: Mental health check.

Me: Me? I'm doing okay now. Watching Doctor Who with Mike. The dog seems back to his normal self (Did I tell you that I thought he was dying the other night?) and life feels good. You?

Sookie: I'm fine. What was wrong with Gio?

Me: I think he just had a bug. He wouldn't get off the couch or eat and I'm pretty sure he had a fever. And all the dogs that I've lost so far in my life have dropped very suddenly under similar circumstances, so I might have had a bit of a panic attack over the situation.... Thus proving that I'm not cut our for human children because I might care a little too furiously about the things I'm not biologically tied to.

Sookie: Oh that sounds awful!

Me: Yeah, it was fun. But I like to think that the level of screwed up I am is endearing.

Sookie: I completely agree. Your level of screwed up is very charming.

 

It's not an unhealthy relationship, I swear.

So, a few weeks ago, my bestie (who has decided to go by  "John Hamm" on this blog for legal reasons) posted this on my Facebook wall with the message "Please take and report back to me":

Initially, my result was that John Hamm and I were Seth and Evan from Superbad. The following conversation happened in the comments of said Facebook posting:

JH:  Haha I got Romy and Michelle from Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion.

Me: What?? I like your view of our relationship way better. I'm gonna take it again and go with the answers I decided against for certain questions.

Me: BOOM.

Me: At first I answered "tearfully" for our fighting solutions... then I switched to "talk it out" ...to me? Same diff.

JH: To be fair, it's usually a fine combination of both.

Me: Exactly! Anyway, we're so much more like Romy and Michelle.

JH: I've never seen that movie, but from what I can tell it's accurate haha

Me: Same here! I'm thinking that we have a movie night? Over the phone?

JH: Done. Now I just have to acquire it.

Me: HOW IS IT NOT ON NETFLIX?!?

JH: I already checked, Netflix didn't even know it was a movie according to my search.

Me: Whoa, Netflix. Whoa.

JH: It ruins my life in more way than one.

JH: And no, I am not concerned that we are having a chat in the comments like it's instant message.

Me: Are you kidding me? This is already a future blog post. Working title: "John Hamm and I Aren't Afraid to PDA."

Me: It needs work, but it's there.

JH: Everyone who reads your blog is gonna be like, "What's all this stuff about John Hamm? I liked it better when she was writing about dog poop..."

Me: Yeah, but he hasn't shit himself in a while, so you're all I've got.

Graphic User Interfaces for Life.

I've been thinking about the importance of friendships a lot lately. I think that companionship is an extremely important thing to be good at in life, and maybe that's because I'm terrible at being alone. When people ask me what my worst fear is or what I think Hell is, I always respond with "being alone for the rest of my life." That used to be in regards to romance. Some days, it still is, but it's expanded way beyond that recently.

For as long as I can remember, I've had this terrible habit of making my entire life about The Boy. Whatever boy I was in love with at that point in my life, he was all that mattered. I used to think that was something really wonderful about me. I was kind of an idiot. I still can be, but that's not the point.

The thing is, though, that at the end of the day, the most important person in my life thus far has been my best friend, "John Hamm." I met her under really odd circumstances in my basement when I was 14 and we've been through and survived everything life has thrown at us up to this point together. There have been amazing years where we have talked every single day. There was a good year and a half when we didn't talk at all. I still referred to her as my best friend throughout that whole time, and I wish I could say that it was because I knew we would be okay, but I think it was more that I refused to accept that we might not be. (That's an entirely different self-reflection point.) Luckily, we made it through that, too.

 

bestbians2

Our friendship survived - even thrived - throughout college, and when we both lived in Europe. It survived us living together (just barely) and now, it's surviving as we're both settling into our lives in different states. Granted, we're only a few hours away from one another, but she lives a busy city life full of law school, and I live a quiet country life full of bookshops and small town crowds. Our scenes aren't exactly the same anymore.

By many standards, John Hamm and I should have faded away a long time ago. We should have graduated college, found boyfriends or husbands, moved to new places, started new lives, and referred to each other as "My best friend when I was in college." I mean, that's how these things usually go, right?

But we haven't.

See, the thing is that while I was always making my life about The Boy, and when John Hamm was feeling hurt about the fact that I couldn't seem to understand that, she never abandoned me. She put up with my bullshit and even pointed it out to me, because she knows she's the one person who can say that to me, and I'll listen.

Boys have come and gone. Boys will keep coming and going. One day, maybe, a boy might even stick around, and that will be a wonderful day. I still want that, because I'm human and a Jane Austen fan who loves romantic comedies. I'm never going to stop wanting that.

To be honest, though, I'm at a point where now my biggest fear is being without my best friend. Not having a best friend at all.

And John Hamm and I will continue to go through our own hills and valleys with one another. Some months, we'll talk every day and it will be great, but let's face it: We're at the beginning of our adult lives and things will only keep getting more and more insane and busy and full of other people, and maybe one day one of us will get married and have children (human or non-) and things will become even more packed with chaos. Our lives will be all about schedules and deadlines and sticky little fingers covered in mystery substances.

I hope to still call her my best friend throughout all of that. After all, we all need someone to turn to when the boys are driving us nuts and even when they're making us feel wonderful. We need that person to tell us "Hey, look at your priorities. Hit the brakes for a second and just check your route before you make a really wrong turn down a one-way street." I'm actually lucky enough to say that I've got a few of those in my life, which might mean that I'm a little more screwed up than I should be.

I guess what all of this rambling is supposed to say is that friends are important and I hope you all have a "John Hamm." I hope you all have that person in your life to talk to and go through it all with. Romance is really important, and it is a wonderful thing to be cherished and sought after. Best friends, though, are a whole different type of relationship and they take just as much care and passion as romance does.

That's why John Hamm and I make a point to meet for lunch one Sunday a month halfway between our respective cities and spend a whole day together with one another. This past time around, we got to talking about this very subject, and when I got home, I texted her to tell her how much I appreciate her:

Me: <insert long heartfelt speech here about how much I love her>

JH: Haha, thank you. :) I know we're good. I love you too.

Me: Call me whenever, okay?

JH: Ok. Same goes for you.

Me: Thanks. We're forever.

JH: I know. We're GUIs.

JH: Good...

JH: Autocorrect win...

Me: I was about to ask what that meant.

JH: No. I mean it, Emelie. We are graphic user interfaces.

Me: Until the end of time. :)

JH: :)

And I really mean that, Duckies. I really, really mean that.

Community

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of community. I've always been surrounded by people, and thankfully it's been a supportive and loving group of people throughout my life. I'm the youngest of four kids, my parents are still happily married (I'm proud to say that I feel like they're happier now more than ever), and now, all three of my siblings are happily married, as well - and I usually drop the "in-law" portion when referring to their spouses. They are my brothers and sister. Granted, this gets very confusing when I talk about them to other people. I'm pretty sure there are a few members of society who think I come from some strange incestuous clan. I don't. Don't worry.

Over the years, however, my family has naturally spread out. We all live in different places across the United States, and while I still speak on the phone with them all regularly, it's difficult to include them in my every day life the way that I used to be able to. So, as almost all people end up doing, I've found myself in another family: my friends.

These past few weeks have been less then kind. Not just to me, but for a few people in my pseudo-family. Like I mentioned a few blog posts back, relationships (yes, plural) have ended or been restrained drastically, hospitals have been visited on multiple occasions, and jobs have taken their toll. Weirdly enough, though, we've all been laughing. Sure, tears have been shed, but we've kept each other laughing. This is amazing to me. We're all so broken in so many ways, but we've come together in an awesome mosaic of insanity and support. And wine. There's been a lot of wine.

Do I have extreme issues when it comes to being alone? Yes, but then I remember that I'm not alone. I have so many people who love and support me, and that is the coolest feeling in the world.

And then, on top of that, there's the blogging community. HOLY COW, YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME. I have gotten emails, comments, and various messages of support from people who have never even met me face-to-face. You have all made me smile, weep, and thank God for the unconditional support and caring that you've all expressed. I really cannot thank you enough. For those of you that I haven't responded to personally yet, it's coming. I just have to find the time and the words to express how truly grateful I am.

Community is a freaking amazing thing. I hope each and every one of you out there has a group of people you can rely on. I don't know what I would do without them. My sisters and brothers, my mom and dad, my friends, my readers, even my co-workers. I am overwhelmingly blessed with all of you in my life.

So yeah... I guess I just needed to share that and thank you all.

Now, go out and hug someone. They probably need it. Face it, you could use one, too, right?

Bloggers Are So Weird... and By "Weird", I Mean "Freaking Awesome." Also, I'm Not a Lesbian.

Last night I met up with Pixie Stick for drinks when I got out of work. This girl is an amazing woman who I've wished I was closer with for years now. She's an amazing writer, a beautiful woman, and so smart it drives me crazy. Do I have a crush on her? Maybe. But in that totally cool, nonchalant way that says "I'm not a lesbian, but you're totally awesome and I want to really know you" kind of way. Is that weird?

Maybe.

Either way, this drink date was long overdue.

There is something about getting together with a fellow blogger that is totally refreshing. Even though we barely talked about our blogging lives, there was this sense that we knew each other so much better than we would have otherwise. Granted, Pixie and I have mutual friends and we've been slightly more than acquaintances since high school, but other than that, our relationship has remained more or less virtual. Last night, we finally sat down face-to-face and chatted with some cocktails and it was fabulous. Following each other's blogs has been an awesome way for us to connect. There were some drawbacks, however - for example, I realized that Pixie did not know Dragon's real name, which was weird when I started talking about him and did not refer to him as "Dragon" and Pixie Stick was all "Wait, what's his actual name? I only know your blog identities..." Duh. Maybe I need to get used to that when meeting up with internet friends...

This is why blogging is awesome, though. For those of us that are totally weird and awkward in our real lives, there are  deep friendships to be formed through the cyberspace. You can get drinks with someone who you barely see face-to-face and find yourselves talking about serious stuff like sex and relationships that you would never be able to mention to the people you see on a day-t0-day basis.

It's not even like I'm terribly awkward in social situations - neither is Pixie Stick, by the way. I'd like to think that we're both relatively awesome at parties, but I realized tonight that we both definitely have our oddities. For example, Pixie Stick wears a turkey hat on Thanksgiving. Like, a hat that looks like a dead turkey. I've seen the photos.

We are not normal people.

I love that about us.

In fact, I love that about almost all bloggers. Some of us are quiet and some of us are loud (Pixie Stick and I, I believe, are both in the latter category), but we are all fantastically bizarre. That's why we write.

Okay, this post has been crazy sappy enough, but I just needed to put this out there. I love this thing we call the blogosphere and I love getting together with people who are just as quirky as I am.

Now, everyone go check out the wonder that is Pixie Stick's blog. It's a lot more poignant and meaningful than mine. I believe someone actually told her that her writing changed their life once, and that's pretty amazing.