It's a Strange Form of Logic...

A conversation I had last night with Gumby: Me: Ugh... I'm so tired... I don't know if I'll make it home...

Gumby: Just go outside and get a mouthful of sand.

Me: ... ...what?

Gumby: What? There's no way you could fall asleep with a bunch of sand in your mouth. It's just impossible.

Me: That's actually a really good point...

***

In other news, Pixie Stick of Wandering Through Wonderland and I have been getting together a lot this year to share our stories of failed dating scenarios over brunch. Yes, mimosas are required and enjoyed thoroughly. Anyway, we got to thinking that we'd like to share a lot of these stories with you guys and to start hearing some of your own... Then the idea blossomed into starting a YouTube series where we answer any dating questions that you all may have... We're thinking of calling this show "Awkwardly Wonderful Dating Advice." What are your thoughts? We'd love to hear what you think.

Also, The Bloggess posted this link yesterday that totally blew my mind. Click below for more and remember that I love you.

Don't Kill Yourself. Your Dentist Will Miss You. 

 

 

Dinner at Gumby's Means Weird Conversations. There's No Way Around It.

Yesterday was Gumby's birthday, so he cooked dinner for all of us (???) and it was delicious. The potatoes needed salt, but other than that, I was pleased. (You're welcome, Gumby, my love.) Here are some snippits of conversations had at the dinner table last night:

Person 1: When was 4th grade?

Person 2: Middle school.

Me: 4th grade was not in middle school.

Person 1: Yeah... 4th grade was 5th, 6th, and 7th.

Me: ...what?? No... 4th grade was 4th grade.... and Middle School was grades 6th-8th!

Person 1: I shouldn't have gone on past 3rd grade...

***

Gumby: Do you guys remember doing the dictionary challenge in school?

Me: None of us were in school with you.

Gumby: No, I'm pretty sure everyone had to do this! Like, there were teams and everyone would be given a word and you'd have to look it up.

Someone else: In a dictionary?

Another person: Did you have to use the index?

Gumby: I hate you guys.

***

Me (to Gumby's friend): Hi! I'm Emelie.

Gumby: No, her name is Ellen.

Me: No... It's not... It's Emelie.

Other friend: She's lying. Her name is Ellen.

Me: Um...

Other friend: Yeah, she just doesn't like the name "Ellen" so she tells people her name is "Emelie." She doesn't even spell it right, though...

Me whispering to myself: My name is Emelie...

Gumby's Friend: ...I officially have no idea what your name is. It's nice to meet you.

Me: Yeah... You too....

***

After Gumby received a book titled "How To Be an Optimist and Make It Pay" by  Nelson Doubleday

htbeanoptimist

Gumby: This is fantastic.

Friend: It's from series that I frequent. I once gave his book "How to Turn a Boner into a Bonanza!" to someone a few years ago.

Me: I'm sorry... What?

Friend: It's true! Back in the 1950's the word "boner" just meant "mistake."

Me: ...That's... appropriate...

***

Do any of you guys have conversations as strange as these?

The Sad Thing Is That This Was Sober Cooking.

Hello, my readers - My favorite people in the world. The people that think I'm funny. You are my stars. No, I don't need money... However, if you feel so inclined, please email me for my mailing address. I accept checks, cash, and paypal.

Moving on.

So, Gumby came home for a few days last night. It was fantastic to see him. We ate tacos, drank beer, and then he came over to bake cookies. At 11:00 at night. Why? Well, I'd like to say that it's because we're awesome and that's just how we roll, but that's only half true. It's also because Gumby works at night, so he doesn't really go to bed or get tired until like 5AM. This is not the case with me, but that's because I'm the awesome one in this friendship that just doesn't care about sleep.

Okay, I've already lied to you all. We did not bake cookies. Gumby is going to hate me for making such a public announcement about this, but I need to share it with you all:

We failed at making cookies. Hardcore.

"What went wrong?" you ask? Well... I think it started going downhill when Gumby decided that he wanted to attempt to make cookies out of lemon cake batter. Yeah, I think that's when the baking failure really started to happen.

However, we did discover that you can use cake batter to make:

  1. Silver dollar lemon pancakes in your oven.
  2. Regular sized lemon pancakes in a pan.
  3. Giant Lemon Swedish Pancakes (also in a pan).
  4. One massive lemony blob of a cake-like consistency on a cookie sheet in the oven.

lemonpancakes

 

Gumby may or may not have been incredibly embarrassed. I mean, you remember his whiskey cake, right? The guy loves his kitchen creations. He may or may not have uttered something last night about how Julia Child would be so disappointed in us...

Me? I figure we're frickin' pioneers in the lemon pancake world. Admit it, you're so trying this later.

You're welcome.

You Know, for the Sake of the Story.

Before I get started on this post, I just wanted to remind you all to keep suggesting books for me to review! I'm almost done with Storm Front, and I cannot wait to find out what you guys make me read next!! Deadline is January 31st to get your suggestions in!

Now on to the real blog post.

Okay, so do you remember how a few days ago, Gumby sent John Hamm and I a message about how fracked up Indiana was seeming to be that day? No? You can read about it here if you've forgotten. The rest of you, come with me.

I finally got some answers.

Gumby: So when I first arrived at the hotel, this one eyed guy was going on and on about how miserable his stay was at the motel or something and how the gross people that lived there (he didn't have much room to judge: he looked semi-homeless) had shitty run-down cars in the parking lot and the cars were full of garbage and had flat tires. He was also talking about the half-naked kids of these families and how they would run around the hotel at ALL hours of the night and day. This whole time it is grossly obvious that he is trying real hard to hit on the girl working behind the desk who was straight out of Jersey Shore (hair bump and all). This picture was truly worth a thousand words. This was the same lady who was throwing judgmental looks at me as I headed to my room with a large pizza. Alone.

Now I just have more questions. Later on, however, I had this conversation:

Gumby: I'm sitting in my room trying to figure out what to do with myself. I have the room until tomorrow, but I think I'm going to head back to Ohio tonight so I can be home for a few days. Decisions are hard!

Me: Do it.

John Hamm: Wah wah wah.

           John Hamm and I are ultra-supportive people.

Gumby: I could always just hit on the desk clerk...

Me: After the stories you've told, I advise against it.

Gumby: Alternatively, you could have more stories to tell!

John Hamm: Invite her back to your room. Nothing can go wrong here.

Gumby: Herpagonasyphalaidsoreeah

Me: Yeah, please bring that shit back with you. You know, for the sake of the story.