TO THE ROOF!

This week Fiancé and I discovered the joys of furniture assembly and arrangement as a couple. There was a whole lot of "No, really, the couch should go here," followed by "Oh my god, you were so right, this is all wrong, let's put it back the way it was," and then "That looks awful, doesn't it? Maybe we should just put it all on the roof and call it a day?" The biggest issue is that we live in 200-year-old tiny farm house with tiny rooms and crooked walls and we bought a bunch of modern-sized furniture from Ikea that doesn't fit in said tiny farm house with tiny rooms and crooked walls. Plus, we have double the amount of stuff now that we're living together. So, I'm suggesting we put stuff on the roof.

Fiancé: You mean the attic?

Me: What? No! It's haunted up there. I mean the roof.

Fiancé: Why?

Me: Because we have too much furniture right now.

Fiancé: So you want to put it on the roof?

Me: Yes.

Fiancé: How are you going to get to the roof?

Me: A ladder. Or magic?

Fiancé: What furniture is going up there?

Me: At least some chairs. We have too many chairs.

Fiancé: Oh, like the designer chair you got from your sister?

Me: NO! I love that chair!

Fiancé: I have a feeling that you just mean my furniture.

Me: You said it, not me.

Fiancé: I think we can put the shoe trunk on the roof. I hate that thing. It's dangerous, it smells weird, and it's impossible to find any of our shoes in there.

Me: I agree. That furniture plan did not work out. It's going on the roof.

Fiancé: Great. Except... It has all of our shoes in it. I don't want to go up on the roof without any shoes.

Me: TOO BAD IT'S ALREADY DECIDED I'M GETTING THE LADDER!

Cohabitation is going really well, you guys.

***

In other news, I wrote a piece about Book Guilt and it's over on Books, Ink's Hamlet Hub. Go check it out, but only if you want to!

IKEA's Match-making Services

So I just had a couch delivered to my apartment. It's a pretty big deal, since I've never actually purchased furniture before. My furniture acquiring skills previously included "Hey! Bring your truck. I just found a mattress on the street and it's super comfortable." The economy sucks and I'm in my twenties, don't judge me.

Anyway, the couch just arrived and it looks like this:

photoImpressive, right?

I'm currently awaiting the most testosterone-filled person I know to show up and help me assemble this in exchange for beer. Call me a shitty feminist, but for those of you who know me, this is the smartest way for me to go about this. Just because I'm female doesn't mean I'm weak, but I am Emelie Samuelson, so I will find a way to screw this up and then I'll end up just sitting on a pile of IKEA cushions with no identifiable structure.

Anyway,  after the couch showed up and I thanked the delivery guys (was I supposed to tip them? I never know how to do that), I got a phone call. It was a lovely and slow-speaking robotic woman asking me if I would be willing to answer a few yes or no questions about my delivery. I've got nothing but time and I'm pretty lonely, so I said yes.

Robot: Did you receive a phone call from the delivery team to say they were on their way? Press 1 for "yes" and 2 for "no."

I pressed 1

Robot: Did the delivery team arrive within the time-frame you were told? Press 1 for "yes" and 2 for "no."

I pressed 1

Robot: Did you like the appearance of your delivery team? Press 1 for "yes" and 2 for "no."

Me: Um... What? Did I like the appearance of my delivery team? Are you asking me if I thought they were hot? I mean... not really, but they didn't scare me or anything... so.... sure?

Robot: Would you invite the delivery team back to your home? Press 1 for "yes" and 2 for "no."

Me: Excuse me?! I barely know them! I mean, sure I let them in this one time, but they had a couch! My couch, in fact! I'm not exactly ready to ask them to stay for dinner. What are you even saying, IKEA robot? Do my give off that strong of a vibe of loneliness? I did not agree to a match-making service when I asked for this couch. Was I supposed to invite these guys to stay? You know what, whatever, sure. They seemed nice. I'll just press 1. Send 'em on over.

Robot: Did the package arrive to you undamaged? Press 1 for "yes" and 2 for "no."

I pressed 1.