For the Record, I Would Never Harm a Squirrel.

So, you remember Kelloggs, right? My super flaky friend who helped me rescue that dog that one time? Well, if you don't, you're about to get to know one super frustrating fact about him: He never uses punctuation. Ever. Okay, just not in texts. I mean, he went to a university and stuff, so I'm assuming that he knows how to use punctuation, but if all of his grades depended on his texting conversations, he'd be a hardcore college failure. Wouldn't that be weird? A university that grades you based on your phone use? I think I'm on to something here. Kids are always using their phones in class. Professors should really make that work in their favor... I'm digressing. We'll have to have a brainstorming session on all of this later, you guys.

Back to Kelloggs. So, we always go out to Taco Tuesday together with our friends. It's really the one time I get to see him every week, except for the fact that he's a giant flake (hence the name), so he only shows up about 63% of the time. Last night, he decided eating wings and watching Game of Thrones was more important, which I kind of understand, but I'm still salty about out of spite and necessity. Anyway, I decided to make him feel guilty when I got home.

Disclaimer: I haven't edited this conversation at all.

Me: Well. Might I say that you missed quite the fun evening.

Kelloggs: I always do when i miss taco tues it seems

Me: It's true.

Kelloggs: I bet ill cya next week

Me: You say that every week.

Kelloggs: You never i may mean it this time

Me: Yeah, and you'll also start using proper English.

Kelloggs: That i cannot promise

Me: You know you forgot a word, right?

Kelloggs: Nope not till i just reread it haha

Me: See? You clearly cannot be trusted.

Kelloggs: I guess youre right

Me: Texting with you makes me want to kick squirrels.

Kelloggs: Poor squirrels why do i elicit such a reaction

Me: Squirrels thrive on punctuation. Duh.

Kelloggs: I learn something new everyday from you so have you decided when we are watching all of those movies yet

Me: Oh my goodness. My brain hurts.

***

See what I'm dealing with here, people?

On a totally unrelated note... What should I read next? 

 

I Am So Psychic, Which Means My Awesome Factor Just Increased By Like... A Ka-jillion.

So, every Tuesday, Kelloggs, John Hamm, and I meet up for Tacos at this Mexican restaurant in Suburbia. They have this deal known as Taco Tuesday, where you can order $1 Tacos, which are actually pretty delicious. Since Kelloggs is a giant flake, he decided he wasn't going to show up last night, but instead go home and take care of his flu-ridden mother.

What a jerk.

Anyway, this is the conversation we had this morning:

Kelloggs: Sorry I missed all the fun last night.

Me: Haha, you didn't really. We just drank beer and ate tacos. And we tweeted a lot...

Kelloggs: Wow, I can't believe I missed you guys playing with your phones all night. I sure won't want to miss that next week.

Me: THEY WERE FUNNY AND CLEVER TWEETS, OKAY?!? Plus, we wouldn't have had to do that if you had shown up!

Kelloggs: I thought you guys were friends with each other and could carry on a conversation without me!

Me: Yeah... we were... with Twitter...

Kelloggs: Classic. Sorry again that I couldn't make it, but my mom is feeling a lot better this morning, so all is well.

Me: Good! You're a good son. Some lady will be lucky to have you.

Kelloggs: You'd think so.

Me: You're right. I know you too well to really think that.

Kelloggs: Haha I HATE YOU.

Me: If by "hate" you mean "love", I KNOW!

Kelloggs: You DO know me too well.

Me: Yeah. Are you scared? I'd be scared.

Kelloggs: GET OUT OF MY HEAD.