To All You Bitter Singles Out There

Yesterday I posted a really quick post dealing with relationships and how my best friend "John Hamm" basically broke down every relationship any of us has ever had.  You should go check that out if you didn't see it yesterday. I kind of hinted at some bitterness on my end, but not bitterness about being single. I was kind of bitter towards those who are bitter about being single.

At least it seemed that way.

Allow me to explain:

I live in a teeny, tiny town in Connecticut. It's kind of in the middle of nowhere and the age demographic around here is... well... not in my bracket. I've made one really good friend ("Gwendolyn") and her roommates are pretty nice, but my romantic life right now?


There just don't seem to be guys my age around here - at least none that are single.

At least that's what I'm seeing right now. (Why is it that you only ever see couples when you're single?!?!)

The thing is that in spite of these terrible odds stacked against me, I'm still pretty optimistic about the fact that I will meet someone. Sure, right now most of my nights are spent alone at home with a glass of wine or a cup of tea, marathoning Doctor Who or Battlestar Galactica on Netflix, skyping, or reading. Occasionally I go out with my friend(s) and we grab a drink together. And some days I do things like try out snowshoeing.

And you know what? I'm actually happy with that right now (most nights - there are exceptions in which I become a sad mess, but those are short-lived), because I so wholeheartedly believe in love that I'm not that worried about finding it. It'll happen. It only takes one guy. You just need that one person to make you feel special and they are out there.

So this goes out to all of you singles today: Being alone can be tough. I know. I'm doing it right now, right along with you. And yes: some nights, I cry. Hard.  But after that's over with, I remember that I have absolutely no idea who that person is, and we might meet tomorrow, or next month, or maybe not until I'm in my thirties, but at least by that point I will have a pretty good idea of who the hell I am.

You will find someone. And that someone will have you laughing about your bitterly single self and it'll all be grand. Try settling into the comfort of that today and remember: Love. Always. Wins.

Until then, enjoy this humorous video on the subject (because, all my single ladies/dudes, let's be real: This is us.)

IKEA's Match-making Services

So I just had a couch delivered to my apartment. It's a pretty big deal, since I've never actually purchased furniture before. My furniture acquiring skills previously included "Hey! Bring your truck. I just found a mattress on the street and it's super comfortable." The economy sucks and I'm in my twenties, don't judge me.

Anyway, the couch just arrived and it looks like this:

photoImpressive, right?

I'm currently awaiting the most testosterone-filled person I know to show up and help me assemble this in exchange for beer. Call me a shitty feminist, but for those of you who know me, this is the smartest way for me to go about this. Just because I'm female doesn't mean I'm weak, but I am Emelie Samuelson, so I will find a way to screw this up and then I'll end up just sitting on a pile of IKEA cushions with no identifiable structure.

Anyway,  after the couch showed up and I thanked the delivery guys (was I supposed to tip them? I never know how to do that), I got a phone call. It was a lovely and slow-speaking robotic woman asking me if I would be willing to answer a few yes or no questions about my delivery. I've got nothing but time and I'm pretty lonely, so I said yes.

Robot: Did you receive a phone call from the delivery team to say they were on their way? Press 1 for "yes" and 2 for "no."

I pressed 1

Robot: Did the delivery team arrive within the time-frame you were told? Press 1 for "yes" and 2 for "no."

I pressed 1

Robot: Did you like the appearance of your delivery team? Press 1 for "yes" and 2 for "no."

Me: Um... What? Did I like the appearance of my delivery team? Are you asking me if I thought they were hot? I mean... not really, but they didn't scare me or anything... so.... sure?

Robot: Would you invite the delivery team back to your home? Press 1 for "yes" and 2 for "no."

Me: Excuse me?! I barely know them! I mean, sure I let them in this one time, but they had a couch! My couch, in fact! I'm not exactly ready to ask them to stay for dinner. What are you even saying, IKEA robot? Do my give off that strong of a vibe of loneliness? I did not agree to a match-making service when I asked for this couch. Was I supposed to invite these guys to stay? You know what, whatever, sure. They seemed nice. I'll just press 1. Send 'em on over.

Robot: Did the package arrive to you undamaged? Press 1 for "yes" and 2 for "no."

I pressed 1.


"And We Are Just Breakable Girls and Boys"

I've posted various vague posts on Facebook about this, and today, I posted a rather blunt one in a blogging group that I'm a part of:Picture 1 First of all... Thank you to everyone who responded. Every single comment (and there were way more than I was expecting) was encouraging and you have no idea how much I needed each and every one of you today. The responses ranged from "Just keep powering through. You'll get there." to "Don't go for funny. Go for real." or instead of advice, some of you just said "This too shall pass."

I haven't gone a day without crying in 2 weeks and 4 days. In those 2 weeks and 4 days, I've lost so many things and I feel like I've gained so little. Maybe I'm just not seeing the silver lining, but that's usually something I'm so good at doing. Maybe the depression is just winning right now. I've never really been depressed. Ever. I've been sad, sure, but depressed? This is totally new territory for me. I've never woken up sad until now. I've never not known the upside of the situation.

I have never felt more alone and lost in my entire life, which is why I haven't been the best blogger lately, among other things. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm hurting. I'm at this point where everything in my life could be labeled as "Status: Pending" and it's the scariest place I've ever been. I've never needed Big Love like I do right now. I've never needed good news like I do right now.

I honestly don't know what else to write, so I'm going to leave the rest of it to Ingrid Michaelson, because her "Girls and Boys" album has been my soundtrack through all of this.


Funny? Eh... Today, I'm Just Going for Honesty.

I'm doing something scary today, you guys. Well, scary for me. I'm going home. I'm going back to my apartment for the first time since I broke up with Dragon. To say I'm nervous and terrified is an understatement.

Dragon and I didn't live together or anything, but for some reason, going home is scaring the crap out of me. Why is that?

I know I have an irrational fear of being alone. Why I thought it was a good idea to sign a one-year lease on a 1-bedroom apartment, I have no idea. I think I was trying to push my boundaries? That, and I loved the apartment. I still do love my apartment. My apartment is not the point.

I've spent these last few weeks "coping" with the break-up and staying at my parents' house. It was my choice, I know, and I'm sticking to it, but I've reached a point where sandwiching my depression between drinking a lot of wine with my friends every night and dancing to '80s music in my childhood bathroom every morning is no longer adorable. It's sad. I need to go home.

So, guys, today is the day that I pack up all my stuff and go face the moldy items in my fridge. My dad is bringing me a different bed (the one in my apartment actually belongs to Dragon's family, and I can't bring myself to sleep in it ever again.) and I'm planning on throwing myself headfirst into making my apartment extra awesome. If anyone has fun decorating ideas, send them my way. You know my style: anything Harry Potter, antique, or Dick Van Dyke related is welcome in my home.

Thank you all for being supportive. Hopefully my funny returns to full-time employment soon.

We Are Pandas.

So, in case you weren't already clued in, John Hamm is leaving me. Just for the weekend, so I guess I shouldn't panic, but it is of course on a weekend when I want nothing more than to hang out with my bestbian (thank you Kristen Schaal for giving us the gift of that term.).

So, normally on a weekend when John Hamm and I would look like this:


Now I will be spending my weekend looking like this:


So, now I need awesome plans for one person this weekend. Lazer Tag? Too weird to do alone at my age. Or at any age, really. I mean, who wants to be that little kid who shows up for Lazer Tag alone? All the employees would be asking where your mommy is and then they'd wonder how you got here, or maybe if you showed up to the wrong place for your friend's birthday party, when really all you want is to shoot some fracking Lazers!!

See? I don't do well on my own...

On a separate note, this is the conversation I literally just had with John Hamm while I was writing this (she's at the airport):

Me: We are pandas.

John Hamm: Is looking like a homeless person en vogue these days? I feel like there are a lot of homeless looking people here... Wait, what?

Me: You heard me.

John Hamm: No, I heard you, but that doesn't preclude the possibility that you're making no sense.

Me: Well, I was looking for bff pictures to display how happy we are together and how sad I am now that you've abandoned me, and I found pandas. So, we are pandas.

John Hamm: You are a sad panda.

Me: It's true.

John Hamm: You'd think I'd have to fly in storage... God, I hope they don't notice I'm a giant bear...

Me: Best. Image. Ever.

John Hamm: So awkward.

Me: I'm just picturing a giant panda bear standing in line to board his flight, looking all bored and stuff, reading a book and holding his ticket, like he totally belongs.

John Hamm: We need to get our artist friends on this.

Me: Agreed.

And that was the last conversation I had with her before she got on her plane. And now my weekend is officially sad.

I may have abandonment issues.