Geography Makes Me Angry

Last weekend, The Mr ABANDONED ME and went to visit his family in Almost-Canada-Northern New York for the weekend and a lot of weird stuff went down while he was gone, but I'm still working on getting all of the words down, so instead I'm going to tell you about a ridiculously traumatic series of conversations we had. 

While he was on his way to visit his family:

Me: Hey, have you arrived yet? Call me when you get there safely please! 

The Mr (hours later): We're still on the road. Service here is really spotty. We're in Lake Placid. 

Me: Uh oh. Don't get eaten by a giant alligator. 

The Mr: Wrong lake. 

Me: What? No! That movie was totally called Lake Placid and a giant alligator lived in the lake... it was like a knock-off of the Loch Ness Monster and it was hilarious. Plus Betty White is in it and she's amazing even though she does some serioulsy insane things in this film.

The Mr: I know, but that's based on a different Lake Placid. The Lake Placid in that movie is in Maine. 

Me: WHAT. THERE ARE TWO LAKE PLACIDS??

The Mr: Maybe more.

Me: NO. THAT IS RIDICULOUS. 

The Mr: It's basically like high street. Also, I'm losing service again. 

Me: NO. It is NOT like High Street. Every town has a High Street and kids always go around stealing the street signs so that they can hang them in their basements where they smoke weed. LAKE PLACID IS NOT LIKE HIGH STREET. Lake Placid is too iconic! There cannot be two Lake Placids! 

And then APPARENTLY The Mr lost service because he stopped responding, but he called me when he got to his parent's house and I was already basically asleep, so I don't even remember the conversation. 

The next day during my lunch break at work: 

Me: I'm still upset about Lake Placid.

The Mr: What do you mean? 

Me: What do you mean? There should not be two!! 

The Mr: Well... I don't know what to say... maybe get a petition going to change it?

Me: The damage is already done...

And then later that night, we FaceTimed... 

Me: I feel like you're not taking this seriously.

The Mr: What?

Me: This Lake Placid issue! Why are there two lakes called Lake Placid? 

The Mr: I mean.... I'm pretty sure Lake Placid isn't even a lake in New York...

Me: WHAT?!?! 

The Mr: Yeah... I think it's just the name of the town.

Me: But your brother swam in the lake there!

The Mr: That lake is called "Lake Flower"

Me: I HATE GEOGRAPHY. 

But here's the thing... I googled it and it turns out that Lake Placid, NY is actually near a lake of the same name, so there is some justice in the world, BUT the movie Lake Placid? The lake in that movie is actually just called Black Lake, so.... WHY WOULD THEY CALL THE MOVIE THAT? 

Clearly this issue is still not over for me.... But am I alone here? Please comment down below.


Things I loved on the Internet this week:

This Seth Meyers interview with Beth Ditto because she is just delightful and we should all aspire to have her joy. 

Man Breaks Guinness World Record for Slicing Watermelons on His Stomach -- WHY IS THIS A THING?? 

All Bloggess posts are fabulous, but her cross-stitch project in this one is fantastic. 

Speaking of The Bloggess, she's featured on this list of hilarious female writers

 

Cold feet.

So yesterday my friend texted me a picture of a book that we have both been really excited about reading and it finally just came out and THE EXCITEMENT LEVEL IS HIGH, FRIENDS.

But, because it's me, there is an issue.

IMG_0861.PNG

So APPARENTLY The Mr is annoyed because he buys really nice socks and I have always opted for really cute socks.

His are warm. Mine have narwhals on them.

His are fancy moisture-repelling socks. Mine all have holes in them. 

And when we got married I was all "Yay! Free socks!" 

He did not agree. 

Which brings us to our next marital dispute... 

I have a lot of books. 

IMG_0860.JPG
IMG_0859.JPG
IMG_0858.JPG

IN MY DEFENSE many of these are free because I am a bookseller and I get a lot of Advanced Reader Copies from publishers, BUT I also buy a lot of these books too. Especially if I read the ARC and then really loved it, so I want the author the get dollars and I'll buy it just to be a good fan. 

Which brings us to today.

My sock drawer is full of holey socks (insert divine joke here) and my hold shelf at the bookstore is overflowing. 

But what am I supposed to do? None of the fancy socks have narwhals on them... But my narwhal socks are no longer providing any level of warmth. 

If only I could convince the two sock companies to join forces! 

Dear Fancy Sock Makers,

I have been forced to buy your socks in order to continue my love of buying books. Normally, this would not be a problem. Your socks are fantastic in all ways but one: THERE ARE NO NARWHALS ON THEM. 

While I appreciate your ability to include a wide array of colors and stripes - even polka dots! Go you! - I am saddened by the lack of cute animal patterns. 

Must I really sacrifice my love of the Sea Unicorn in order to have warm feet? 

Of course, it's not just narwhals that I enjoy on my socks. Puppies, sloths, and giraffes are also always welcome, just in case someone on staff has an aversion to narwhals. Although, why would you hire such a monster? 

Wishing you all the best,

Emelie

UPDATE: THEY RESPONDED

Hi Emelie,

Thank you so much for reaching out! I too love Narwhals, what an awesome idea :) I did share your feedback with our product team, we always appreciate customer feedback! I also want to make sure you've seen our Woodland Creature socks, they do have cute animals represented on them :) https://darntough.com/collections/womens-lifestyle/products/woodland-creatures-crew-light?variant=36489076295

Thanks for being on board with us and I hope you have an awesome weekend!

Thank you for choosing Darn Tough!

And for the record, I did NOT see those woodland socks before, but it's a good thing that they exist because now I can buy books again. 

Plus, I think we can all agree that if they do in fact add narwhals to their designs, I will be heralded as a True American Hero. 

You're welcome.

I literally don't know who I am right now.

So, if you're new here, I got married this past June (yay!), but I have been slow on the whole name-change process because, well, time is a lie and I say yes to too many things (not counting the wedding) and stuff. This hasn't really been a big deal. 

Until now. 

I'm travelling on Monday for work and everything got booked under my married name, which at the time of booking wasn't legally my name at all, so I was all "Whoa. Okay, there's the motivation to go to the Social Security Office and the DMV and make this thing official because I have a feeling I can't just show up and be like 'Yeah, I know my I.D. says SAMUELSON, but I married The Mr and so people call me by the name that you have on the ticket. Cool? Cool.'" and then just stroll onto the plane like it's no big deal. 

Apparently security has gotten tighter over the past few years so they might have some questions. 

SO. I was like "no biggie, I'll fix this." and drove to the social security office and I was all "Hey, look at my marriage certificate! GIVE ME A NEW NAME!" and they were all "Okay, sure! We'll mail your new card to you," which I thought was weird because I was there and they were there and I feel like when choosing between handing it to me or mailing me my new Social Security Card, they were picking the less secure option. 

But who am I to judge? 

So I waited until I got the new card and then last week I went to the DMV. It was great - I didn't really have to wait long and I got to take a new picture and the lady was all "Yay for weddings! Go you!" and it was all dandy, until she handed me an 8.5x11 sheet of paper with a scanned copy of my new license on it. 

Me: I don't get the real one?

Her: We'll mail it to you. 

Me:  Oh... So I just use this very skeptical looking ID now? 

Her: Yup! 

And then she sort of gave me a "why are you still standing here?" look and because I'm weird and have very little authority in life, I crumbled into dust and blew away. 

CUT TO YESTERDAY

I still haven't received the new ID and I leave on Monday.  

And then I looked at my photocopied fake looking ID and read that THIS IS NOT VALID UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY YOUR EXPIRED OR CANCELLED ID. 

WHICH THEY KEPT. 

So I called Southwest Airlines and I was all "Okay, here's the situation..." 

And now I will be heading to the airport at 3am on Monday morning for a 5:40 flight with my temporary photocopied ID, my passport with the maiden name, a copy of BOTH OF MY SOCIAL SECURITY CARDS (one with old name and one with new name) and my marriage license and I feel like I should also throw in my last two pay stubs and a note from my mom? 

So basically, watch my Instastory on Monday, because I cannot imagine this will go smoothly. 

UPDATE!  

My ID arrived in the mail today! Which is fantastically good news, but I’m still sure I’ll manage to screw something up. I mean, my flight is at 5:40am. How on earth does anyone expect me to function properly at 5:40am? I don’t even function properly at 5:40pm... 

Oh, you know, just a normal day in my pants. OH WAIT NO.

Okay, so I know this isn't a normal blog post day for me, but OH MY GOD YOU GUYS SOME CRAZINESS JUST ENSUED AND I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. Okay, so I was sitting with The Mr and we were having our morning coffee. I had already showered and gotten dressed and while I started telling him a story, I felt something weird in my pants - like a bite - so I instinctively reached down my pants to feel what was going on only to find that it was nothing.

The Mr: What are you doing??

Me: What?

The Mr: You just started telling me a story and then shoved your hand down your pants!

Me: Oh! Right. I thought I got bit by something, but it was probably just a phantom bite. Anyway... this article I read...

So then fast-forward a few minutes. The Mr is on the phone with his sister and I suddenly feel the weird crawly bitey feeling again on my leg, so I stand up and start taking off my pants only to find nothing - NO WAIT NOT NOTHING A FREAKING SPIDER WAS CRAWLING AROUND IN MY PANTS.

I screamed.

The Mr laughed.

I grabbed the little bastard and ran, pants around my knees, to the bathroom to flush the jerk down the toilet EXCEPT HE SOMEHOW ATTACHED SOME INVISIBLE WEB STRAND TO MY SHIRT ALL OF A SUDDEN AND HE WOULDN'T FALL. And then I started to panic because spider webs are really strong and what if he pulled me in with him and gave me a swirly like the evil bully this spider obviously was?!

That didn't happen, thank God, and eventually, I won and that guy got flushed.

And now I can still feel crawly things all over my legs and I have to go to work where it is socially unacceptable to stick my hand down my pants on a whim so basically, I'll be anxiously sweating for the rest of my day.

Then again, maybe this is how I become a superhero.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

I feel like we're doing the whole "romantic sunset" thing wrong.

A conversation I had with The Mr in the car yesterday:  Me: Oooo... pretty sunset. It's so weird to think that it's all just pollution.

The Mr: What are you talking about?

Me: The sunset. The only reason it's all colorful and pretty is because of pollution.

The Mr: No it isn't! It's just the angle of the sun causing all of those colors.

Me: Yeah. The angle of the sun reflecting light through all of the poison in our atmosphere. Did you really not know this? You love science! And the environment!

The Mr: Are you serious? This whole time I've been admiring sunsets and they're really just all made up of poison?

Me: Yes!

The Mr: Well... that's terrible! Now I can't enjoy a sunset anymore!

Me: Why not? It's still pretty! Think of it this way: there's an upside to everything. Even pollution.

The Mr: No. No! That's like saying "Hey, come look at this gorgeous painting, isn't it amazing?" and then finding out that all the paint is just blood splatters from a gruesome murder.

Me: Well... when you put it that way.

We drove in silence for a minute.

Me: You know, the color of the sky kind of looks like a big wash of blood now that you're saying it. Huh. I still think it's pretty.

The Mr: You've ruined everything for me now.

Later on, The Mr did some research and it turns out that I'm not totally right about this fun fact, but I'm also not totally wrong either? I don't know, he started talking all sciencey to me and I zoned out a bit if I'm being honest.

Just goes to show that you can't trust everyone you meet who says they know science.


 

Last night's #SundaySupdates episode was live to all! You can watch it right here and then go sign up to be an Awkward Ambassador to tune in every week!


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

I'll probably only be happy if I'm naked and living in the forest at this point: A rant.

I've been trying to shop more ethically lately and to also stop wasting as much because the world is on fire and I can feel better about myself and my choices when I see that my face wash is "cruelty free" (which means that it doesn't test on animals, not that it doesn't perpetuate the idea that if I don't wash my face every goshdarn second of every goshdarn day, I might break out with a pimple OR GOD FORBID HAVE A WRINKLE) or that my clothing is made by single mothers in some far off country who are now empowered by their jobs (or so I'm told) and when whatever it is that I'm buying is also ALL ORGANIC then I am A FLIPPIN' HERO SHOPPER.

via GIPHY

Of course, it's hard when you're on a budget, so I end up doing a lot of this type of shopping at Walmart, which sort of neutralizes the mission a bit maybe? It's the lesser of two evils (lookin' at you, Amazon) in my mind. I mean, I support local and independent businesses in my community as much as possible, but this girl's got rent to pay.

Which is why I found myself rapidly pacing the beauty aisle at Walmart, furiously googling on my phone to find the most ethical beauty brands for sale that weren't owned by companies that are pure evil, and I quickly started to have the same levels of anxiety that I have at grocery stores. In fact, the anxiety got so bad that I started to have to pee really bad, but I didn't want to go to the bathroom at Walmart because it's Walmart, so instead I just danced around a bunch in the beauty aisle and waited for the moment to pass while I held my phone in one hand and four different facial cleansers in the other.  ALL I WANT IS A CLEAN FACE AND A CLEAN CONSCIENCE. WHY IS THAT SO HARD?

Finally, I settled on one that had bees on it and prepared to leave when I remembered that I needed yarn for a new crocheting project, so we headed over to the craft section, where I entered yet another dilemma because while I found the perfect looking and feeling yarn for less than three dollars a skein, I was confronted by all of the following thoughts:

-IS IT ORGANIC?

-IS IT ETHICALLY SOURCED?

-HOW WERE THE SHEEP RAISED WHO MADE THIS YARN?

-WHO IS EMPLOYED BY THIS COMPANY?

-IS IT MADE IN AMERICA? DO I CARE IF IT'S MADE IN AMERICA? WHY DOES THAT MATTER?

And all of this is good, but also exhausting because at the end of it all I end up feeling like nothing that I can buy is ever going to be good enough. In fact, it's gotten to such extremes that I'm starting to maybe go overboard?  For example, this conversation that I had last night with The Mr:

Me: So. I had an idea.

The Mr: ...uh oh.

Me: No, it's a good one!

The Mr: ...okay.

Me: So you know how the dog chewed a hole in this piece of clothing? *holds up clothing*

The Mr: ...yeah...

Me: WELL -- one might think that this piece of clothing is now ruined and should just be thrown away, but WHY ADD TO THE LANDFILLS when I also have EXHIBIT B!

I held up a pair of cotton leggings whose elastic had busted that were also in a to-be-tossed-or-donated pile.

The Mr: ...

Me: I'm going to cut up the leggings and patch up the hole that the dog made!

The Mr: ...those fabrics don't match.

Me: I CAN'T BE SO VAIN. THE PLANET IS AT STAKE HERE.

 

via GIPHY


Side note: while I was writing this, I found this episode of The Guilty Feminist podcast and it was ALL THE RELATABLE

 


What about you? Do you try and shop ethically? How do you manage it?


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

It's official: I'm becoming my father.

My parents are lively and active people. The word 'retirement' is akin to the most offensive of curse words in their eyes, I think. Over drinks when my dad was in town, he said: "I hate that word." And I swear he was this close to spitting on the ground to show his disdain. All I know is that my parents never stop working, never stop moving, and never stop partying. My dad is in his seventies and he still travels for work all the time - not because he has to, but because he wants to.

And my mom is basically Wonder Woman. She's a very successful real estate agent, she teaches six jazzercise classes a week (the majority of them at 5:45 in the GD morning!), she has two horses that she trains and takes care of almost every day, and she cooks dinner every freaking night.

 

via GIPHY

And yet, I manage to be surprised if they don't answer the phone when I call.

Me: I think my parents find me dull.

The Mr: Why?

Me: Neither one of them is answering their phone! Do I call too often? Are they sick of me? You know, most parents would love it if their kid just called to say hi as often as I do, but they're totally ghosting me! Do they think I'm boring?

The Mr: Maybe they do.

Me: ...thanks, babe.

And then later that night, my dad called me. HE CALLED ME.

Me, too excitedly: Hi, Dad!

Dad: Hey, how are you?

Me: Great! How are you?

Dad: Well, I'm okay. Your mom is in Chicago visiting your sister and the new baby, so I'm just sitting in the parking lot of <LOCAL RESTAURANT>, trying to decide whether or not to go in and get dinner... there are a lot of cars here, so I don't know... or maybe I should call Nick and see if he wants to meet.... I don't know, we've been hanging out a lot this week since both of our wives are out of town... maybe he's sick of me.

The Mr: Did you see that apple just fall from that tree?

But maybe this is a good thing... because maybe it means that I'm also going to be a superhero who travels the world!

Or maybe this means my future just involves a closet full of leotards.

 

via GIPHY


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

The Titanic Was a Thing and A Movie Theater Is a Place.

I wasn't going to do NaNoWriMo this year. I had a long list of perfectly good reasons not to do NaNoWriMo this year:

  • Writing/editing 1 essay a week for submissions
  • Editing two novels
  • Updating this blog twice a week
  • Keeping up with the Patreon Page
  • Working full time
  • Running a Youth Group twice a month (which requires way more planning and organization than one would think!)
  • Running a weekly teen writing workshop
  • OH and maybe some personal time to spend with The Mr, our dogs, our friends and maybe sleeping sometimes too?

See? Those are all really good reasons not to do NaNoWriMo.

And I was also feeling really comfortable with this decision. I wished all my friends who had decided to dive in good luck and told them that I was cheering them on.

But I had one friend who decided to email me. On November 1st:

Subject: NaNoWriMo

Body: I'll race you to the 50k :)

And I responded with my whole "Oh, I'm not doing NaNo this year because <see reasons above>, but good luck!"

And he was all "Hey, we all have shit to do. Here's my laundry list of reasons why I shouldn't be writing a novel this month either." And then he essentially was like "do it anyway." I'm totally paraphrasing here, but that's basically what he said.

And I was all "Even if I could, I don't have an idea! I don't even have a character in mind that I could just start following around in my brain!"

But then I talked to another friend - a friend you only talk to when you want to be talked into writing - and she gave me a pretty great idea...

So suddenly I had an idea... and a laundry list of reasons still not to write the book... that I decided to ignore. Not ignore, exactly because I'm still doing all of those things... I just decided to add to it? So now here I am, waking up every day at 5am to put words onto the vomit draft of a new novel. And one of the best things is that I've got this weird husband who was all "Alright. Let's do this." instead of being all "EMELIE WHY?" For example:

So as of this blog post on November 3rd I am 2,201 words into a strange novel. And I can't wait to see where it's headed.

Are you doing NaNoWriMo this year? Buddy me so that we can support each other.


And now, for some business:

 

I’ll be performing at this open mic night on Saturday Night (November 4th) with some really amazing people. All proceeds go to the Loaves and Fishes Soup Kitchen in New Milford, CT. If you’re able to make it, please do! I’m reading one of my most awkward pieces I’ve ever written, and everyone else will be reading really incredible stuff, so it should be a good time for us all.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

I’m not even allowed to think about watching Mindhunter.

Last night I took Gio out to go to the bathroom, but it was really dark and I got scared, so I only let him pee, which makes me a terrible dog owner, but in my defense I took him inside so that I could tell The Mr that he had to take Gio outside again to poop because I was pretty sure there was a murderer hiding behind the tree in our yard and I knew that if I stayed out there any longer he would sneak up on me and stab me, you know right in the base of my spinal column or something? That way I'd be paralyzed and unable to move or say anything and The Mr would never know. So I ran inside.

The Mr basically just looked at me like this when I explained everything:

via GIPHY

Which is justified.

It should be noted that what spurred all of this on was Kate McKinnon's SNL IT sketch in which she was Kellyanne Conway/Pennywise/Kellywise. This was a comedy sketch. I had nightmares.

 

via GIPHY

I mean... I also laughed. But mainly because I was terrified.


And now for some business:

  • I'll be volunteering at the Gilmore Girls Fan Fest today and on Sunday in Kent, CT! Come say hi! I'll be the one in a volunteer shirt who looks like me. The Mr will be there on Saturday. If any of you are there and you see him, take pictures and tag me. It'll be like a fun scavenger hunt!
  • The giveaway is still open (because am I really not popular enough for even 10 of you to want some free books and patreon perks? Maybe that means you'd be ahead of the trend by becoming an Awkward Ambassador so early... Think about it.)

This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

"SCATTER!" -My Brain.

My Bestbian is on her way to visit me from Boston RIGHT NOW and I am beyond excited because I haven't seen her since my wedding day (which was sadly the day I married someone other than her. Damn you, sexuality!)

We have MUCH catching up to do, so forgive me if this post is a little frazzled. Afterall, she now has to get to know me as a married lady and not her awesome, super hot single friend.

Just kidding. I've always been a married lady - I just only got the spouse recently.

Anyway, The Mr is yelling at me without using his words right now because the house needs to be cleaned just a little bit more before Bestbian arrives. I realize that sounds confusing, but it is possible to yell without actually using any sounds from your body. Basically, he's just walking around cleaning, but he's doing it really loudly, and history has taught me that this means "PLEASE GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND HELP ME PREPARE FOR YOUR FRIEND."

Or maybe he's just really passionate about cleaning?

Anyway, I should probably go... but to make up for this very scattered blog post, I'll be doing a live Q&A on Sunday night at 8pmEST for public #SundaySupdates! You should totally join me.

Also, here's a cute picture of my puppy who is definitely not this small anymore and is definitely trying to steal a sip of my vodka tonic as I write this. YOU'RE TOO YOUNG, ALOY.


#SundaySupdates, a live Q&A I do WHILST COOKING, is live and public this Sunday at 8pm! Most Sundays it’s just for the Patreon people, but the last Sunday of every month, I open it up to ALL OF YOU! Can’t make it? Post a question in the comments or on Twitter using the hashtag #SundaySupdates and I’ll answer it during the livestream!


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.