Geography Makes Me Angry

Last weekend, The Mr ABANDONED ME and went to visit his family in Almost-Canada-Northern New York for the weekend and a lot of weird stuff went down while he was gone, but I'm still working on getting all of the words down, so instead I'm going to tell you about a ridiculously traumatic series of conversations we had. 

While he was on his way to visit his family:

Me: Hey, have you arrived yet? Call me when you get there safely please! 

The Mr (hours later): We're still on the road. Service here is really spotty. We're in Lake Placid. 

Me: Uh oh. Don't get eaten by a giant alligator. 

The Mr: Wrong lake. 

Me: What? No! That movie was totally called Lake Placid and a giant alligator lived in the lake... it was like a knock-off of the Loch Ness Monster and it was hilarious. Plus Betty White is in it and she's amazing even though she does some serioulsy insane things in this film.

The Mr: I know, but that's based on a different Lake Placid. The Lake Placid in that movie is in Maine. 

Me: WHAT. THERE ARE TWO LAKE PLACIDS??

The Mr: Maybe more.

Me: NO. THAT IS RIDICULOUS. 

The Mr: It's basically like high street. Also, I'm losing service again. 

Me: NO. It is NOT like High Street. Every town has a High Street and kids always go around stealing the street signs so that they can hang them in their basements where they smoke weed. LAKE PLACID IS NOT LIKE HIGH STREET. Lake Placid is too iconic! There cannot be two Lake Placids! 

And then APPARENTLY The Mr lost service because he stopped responding, but he called me when he got to his parent's house and I was already basically asleep, so I don't even remember the conversation. 

The next day during my lunch break at work: 

Me: I'm still upset about Lake Placid.

The Mr: What do you mean? 

Me: What do you mean? There should not be two!! 

The Mr: Well... I don't know what to say... maybe get a petition going to change it?

Me: The damage is already done...

And then later that night, we FaceTimed... 

Me: I feel like you're not taking this seriously.

The Mr: What?

Me: This Lake Placid issue! Why are there two lakes called Lake Placid? 

The Mr: I mean.... I'm pretty sure Lake Placid isn't even a lake in New York...

Me: WHAT?!?! 

The Mr: Yeah... I think it's just the name of the town.

Me: But your brother swam in the lake there!

The Mr: That lake is called "Lake Flower"

Me: I HATE GEOGRAPHY. 

But here's the thing... I googled it and it turns out that Lake Placid, NY is actually near a lake of the same name, so there is some justice in the world, BUT the movie Lake Placid? The lake in that movie is actually just called Black Lake, so.... WHY WOULD THEY CALL THE MOVIE THAT? 

Clearly this issue is still not over for me.... But am I alone here? Please comment down below.


Things I loved on the Internet this week:

This Seth Meyers interview with Beth Ditto because she is just delightful and we should all aspire to have her joy. 

Man Breaks Guinness World Record for Slicing Watermelons on His Stomach -- WHY IS THIS A THING?? 

All Bloggess posts are fabulous, but her cross-stitch project in this one is fantastic. 

Speaking of The Bloggess, she's featured on this list of hilarious female writers

 

Pro-Choice? Pro-Life? PRO-DIRTY-DANCING!!!!

Last night I made Dragon watch Dirty Dancing with me. Not the crappy new one, but the 80's classic that is supposed to take place in the 60's, but the only indication of that is when she says it at the very beginning of the movie. Why, you ask? Because that movie is amazing, that's why. I grew up on that film, and I'm better for it. Now stop questioning my mom and dad's parenting skills. Anyway, Dragon had never seen this glorious film, so I felt it was time to open his eyes to the wonder that is "Hungry Eyes".

This was his reaction:

Dragon: So... this is a movie about a girl who loves to dance so that her crush and his lady can get an abortion?

Me: Um... not entirely... Plus, it's not his baby, jeeze. Pay attention!

Dragon: This is your favorite movie?? Emelie, that's terrible!

Me: Well, that's only how the whole situation starts! It has tones of really great messages about judging people and stuff! It's like Pride & Prejudice, but with updated dancing and more sex. Why are you taking your glasses off and closing your eyes?

Dragon: Because I'm tired.

Me: But you're missing cinematic history, here. This scene is iconic!

Dragon: Let me guess, they dance.

Me: Yeah, but with a lot of sexual tension and love in their eyes - And no one can know about it!!

Dragon: ...

And then I spent the night dancing while laying in bed, which is a skill that I have perfected. And no, that is not a euphemism for anything sexual. I literally danced while laying in bed and watching Dirty Dancing. As Did Dragon, by the way, I caught him glancing at the screen and asking me which blurry shape was which character. I knew he'd love that movie.

...Hungry eyes.... I can't stop listening to the soundtrack now.

I Will Sacrifice Proper Movie Theater Etiquette for the Sake of Winning an Argument. You've Been Warned.

Last night at the movies: Dragon: Can I get two for The Django, please?

Me: Did you just say "The Django"?

Dragon: Heh.. no...

Me: I think you did. You just called it "The Django". It's just "Django".

Dragon: No, it's "D-Jango!" There's a "D" at the front!

Me: Yeah, that "D" is silent. You don't say it. I've never heard it said "D-Jango" - even when Jaime Foxx was on SNL, I just heard it pronounced "Jango". No "D".

Dragon: He probably just said it quickly.

Me: ...yeah, him and the rest of the world apparently...

And now a quick snippit from the film - sorry for the slight spoiler (not really):

Some Southern Dude: What's your name, boy?

Django: Django.

That Same Southern Dude: How do you spell that?

Django: D-J-A-N-G-O... The "D" is silent.

Me (in the theater): HA! I WIN!

Happy Apocalypse, Everybody! And Meet Nigel!

This post doesn't really have anything to do with the apocalypse, but it's all on our minds, and in the event that we really are about to blink out of existence, I wanted to make sure I wish you all a good farewell. Yesterday, John Hamm finally saw the movie Elf! We invited our friend "Nigel" over to join us for pizza, drinks, and of course, the movie.

You haven't met Nigel yet, so allow me to introduce you:

Nigel grew up in the same town as John Hamm and I, but we didn't really know him because he was attending the fancy prep school in our town, which I will call Hogwarts. This is actually mega appropriate because Nigel once told me that he was a Prefect there and I was all "shut up, THOSE EXIST?!?!" Turns out, they do.

Anyway, Nigel and I met when we were both working at the bookshop (you can still donate here to save it, by the way!) and then he graduated from high school and now goes to school out in Minnesota. Good, now you know Nigel.

Now, back to last night:

I actually ended up buying the movie yesterday at Target because I figured that I should own it since I watch it every Christmas and since the rental places are always out of it this time of year. Totally worth it.

John Hamm loved it and I no longer need to be so concerned about our friendship. Dragon, on the other hand, still has not seen Wayne's World and that is causing a major issue in our relationship. It'd be one thing if he was all "I just never had the opportunity" - which would still be BS because who hasn't had the opportunity to see Wayne's World? - but instead he's all "I started it and thought it was dumb, so I watched something else."

Major. Points. Lost.

Part of me is considering just putting the movie on right now while he's not totally awake, but it's already almost 10AM and I've got shit to do before I go to work.

Anyway... that's all for today, readers! Hope your last day on Earth is wonderful, and I hope these next few days before Christmas bode well for you too!

P.S. It's supposed to snow 6-10 inches where I live today! I'm so happy!! What about you? Do you have snow?

Happy Friday!

 

This is Why I Don't Go Fishing

Last night John Hamm and I started watching The Perfect Storm when there was nothing else on TV. I had never seen this movie, but I've heard that it's amazing, plus the first thing I saw was George Clooney, so I was down. Proof that I will have sex with George Clooney no matter what he's wearing. Turtleneck & Beanie. Officially Sexy. I bet he doesn't even smell like fish. He just smells like essence of Clooney

This movie was pretty great, though (if you're into really depressing movies). There's this mega storm and stuff and these guys are determined to get fish - who wouldn't watch that? (Answer: People who don't want to watch depressing movies.)

However, it did make me realize just how much of a wimp I am.

There is one scene when John C Reilly (this is before he got into comedy, obviously) gets pulled overboard because his hand gets caught by a fish hook. The fish hook literally GOES THROUGH HIS FREAKING HAND. Like he's standing there all "La-de-da-de-da, it's stormy and my hand is just resting on this table..." and then the fishing line that is also on the table gets caught by something, which pulls it in such a way that the HUGE hook goes ALL THE WAY THROUGH HIS HAND! And then he gets yanked into the ocean! What the heck, Ocean? Why you gotta do that to John C Reilly?

Some other crew members jump into the stormy water to try and save him, which is totally noble, but I deemed it useless. My immediate reaction was this:

Me: Why would you jump in after him? He's obviously going to die. It's super stormy, so you'll probably drown, plus he has a hook through his hand!! I mean, it is not even worth living through that pain. My hand hurts just thinking about it! He'll most likely have to amputate it, plus he's drowning, plus OWWW! I mean, seriously - hook through hand: immediate death. Just saying. I know that it's not like a vital organ or anything and the injury itself wouldn't really kill you, but in my opinion, that is just too much to deal with. I would just let myself die at that point.

John Hamm: ::sigh::

Just so you know, John C Reilly totally survived and he got to keep his hand. All he needed was a bandage and a tetanus shot. I don't think I know how injuries and death work.

I officially need to start putting myself in more dangerous situations. I am clearly not badass enough.

Gio! Dragon! Grab your gear - we're going out! Make sure we have knives and other sharp stuff! It is time for danger!!

He Was Obviously Drunk and Had No Idea What He Was Saying.

Hey there, favoritest readers of mine! How goes life? It's the end of a long and mildly stressful week for me, and I am so happy to be sitting in my bed, coffee in hand. So, I hadn't seen Dragon all week because we're both so busy all the time, but last night we finally got to go out, get a drink, see some live music, and just flat-out enjoy some time together with some friends of ours. It was awesome.

Until I found out some haunting information.

We were watching this band and I leaned over to tell Dragon that their keyboard player reminded me of Garth.

Dragon: Who?

Me: Garth! From Wayne's World!

garth

Dragon: Oh. I don't know, I've never seen it.

Me: ...

I just sat there staring at him blankly. I was stunned. How has this guy that I love so much never seen Wayne's World? I started going on about that, but it was too loud with the band playing that I could tell I was getting nowhere.

Later on in the car, I had to bring it up again.

Me: How have you never seen Wayne's World?!?

Dragon: I don't know. I started it once and thought it was stupid.

Me: You're stupid! That movie is comedy gold! How do you not appreciate it?

Dragon: I just thought it was dumb, so I stopped watching it.

Me: Maybe you just weren't in the right mood, if that's even possible.

Dragon: No... maybe I just don't like Mike Myers in that movie.

Me: ::GASP!:: For shame! You have no idea what you're talking about.

So now, ladies and gentleman, I have made it my absolute goal to make sure that Dragon sees and adores this movie. I will make him see the truth, don't worry.

I mean... It's Wayne's World. It's party time. It's excellent!