Because when I get murdered, it will be adorable.

So I went out to Providence, RI yesterday for a conference and on the 2.5 hour drive back something weird happened. So, I obviously texted people about it as soon as I got home. One of those people was a friend of mine who has decided to call himself "The Professor" on this blog. Me: I made it home. Almost got murdered, but I'm good.

The Professor: Oh gosh. You okay?

Me: Yeah. Someone was tailing me on the highway, and then they got off the highway when I did and kept tailing me, so I felt like they were maybe following me, right? And THEN I remembered this one movie I saw about some murderers who legit just picked a random car that they were driving behind and decided to follow that guy home and murder him. You know, for kicks. So I was all "This is it. This is how I die." But then I pulled into my driveway and they kept going.

The Professor: Yeah, that is spooky... Maybe they were just marking your house...for later.

Me: Oh gosh. They're so coming back...

The Professor: Yep. Make sure Gio is on alert.

Me: Ugh... so murder avoided... for now.

The Professor: Lol. I'm sure you're okay. Stars Hollow is essentially crimeless.

Me: You can't make assumptions like that, Professor. You've never even been here. Don't act like you know us. We caYou're kind of cute in that  -she's (1)n murder if we want to.

The Professor: Ok fine. You are going to get murdered. Get a baseball bat. Or pepper spray. Or a gun. I was raised by republicans, I can help you with that.

Me: No thanks. I've decided that if someone ever really breaks into my house to murder me, I'll just talk to them and accept my fate, whatever it may be.

The Professor: That's very kind of you.

Me: I'll be like "Dude, let me make you some coffee and let's just chat this out." ... Or Gio will kill them.

The Professor: That's kind of cute in a terrible "she's going to die being so friendly" sort of way.

Me: That's how I always thought I'd go...

Because Relationships Need Excitement. Even in Madagascar.

So, my good friend "Jen" is in the Peace Corps and is stationed in Madagascar right now. It's true: I'm not doing anything with my life.

Anyway, we have this awesome app that lets us use a wifi signal to call/text each other, which is insane... because she's in Madagascar and we shouldn't be able to do that (plus, do that have wifi over there? I'm ignorant.)

Not the point. Jen was texting me about her awesome life of teaching people about water sanitation and stuff, when she informed me that she was seeing someone who was also stationed down there.

Me: What?!? Tell me everything!

Jen: He's amazing, but currently working 12 hours away from me, so that's a bummer.

Me: How often do you get to see each other?

Jen: Haha, funny question. So I met him a then we had a week together. Then he went to the moust southern part of the country and is working with an organization down there for a month and then he's being relocated to... well, we don't know where yet because there was literally an axe murderer in his old town so he may be moving close to me soon, but we won't find out until Monday!

Me: Weirdest. Love story. Ever.

So yeah... apparently that's a thing that's totally normal in Madagascar, which was not included in the documentary I saw with all those adorable animated animals voiced by Chris Rock.

So... I feel misled.

It Was Either Murder... Or a Really Disappointing Birthday...

Okay, so I had to share this with you guys. As many of you know, I live in Suburbia. The crime rate here is pretty darn low. Well, every now and again something weird pops up among the sprinkling of noise complaints and DUI's (or as they're now referred to as "OVI's", which I think sounds way too much like "ova" and then I'm even more grossed out by drunk drivers...), like someone will murder his wife with a baseball bat in the garage and then call the cops on himself, but that's a real rarity. Usually, the cops are pretty bored.

I figure that they have to get a good laugh sometimes, though, because when I read the police blotter in our town, I can't help but burst into a fit of giggles.

For example, I read this one the other day:

A caller told police on Saturday around 3:30 pm

that a black garbage bag on Suburbia Road, near the railroad tracks,

appeared to contain a "human torso."

Police found the bag, which contained balloons.

Okay, let's break this down here for a second. This caller obviously must have seen this bag, and not from a far distance, either, to assume that it had a human torso (not a whole body, people, just THE TORSO) in it. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but human torsos weigh a lot more than balloons, right? I'm not making that up, am I?

So here's what I'm picturing... the caller sees this bag of Human Torso and is all "OH MY GOD, DEAD BODIES!" so they call the cops. The cops are probably like "OH FINALLY!! DEAD BODIES IN SUBURBIA!" and then they rush over to the railroad tracks to be all "WE HAVE A MURDER CASE PEOPLE!!"

The caller is probably all "I'VE SEEN DEXTER! I KNOW WHAT TORSOS IN GARBAGE BAGS LOOK LIKE! I'M A HERO!!!"

And then the police arrive at the railroad tracks. They see the bag. They're getting ready to block off the area as a crime scene - one of them even has his roll of yellow caution tape at the ready, and he's getting antsy.

With his gun drawn, one of the police officers starts inching towards this bag. Just then, a gentle breeze comes through and the bag starts to glide towards him.

EVERYONE SCREAMS!!! GHOST TORSO!!! NOOOOOO!

They all begin to shoot at the bag and that's when they hear the popping, and they see the garbage bag, now full of bullet holes, start to deflate.

One of the police officers is all "Aw man! You guys, it's just a freakin' bag of balloons..." And then all the cops get super sad and mosey on back to their cop cars to go back to the station and pout. The eager guy with the caution tape starts rolling it all back up again, and everyone is sad.

Okay, so there's a distinct possibility that this is not at all what happened, but I'm only going off of what they told us in the police blotter, so I have to fill in a lot of the holes, you guys, and I'm pretty sure that my scenario is definitely the most likely one, so...

Also, I think I've found my true calling for writing anti-climactic crime television.