Just doin' my job, sir.

Today a child totally called me out when I lied to him, but in my defense, he was hitting his father to an obnoxious degree (aren't all degrees obnoxious?) and using truth and reasoning wasn't helping. Me: Alright kid, this has gone on long enough. We have a very strict no-hitting policy here and if you don't stop it, I'm going to have to put you to work.

Kid: ....

Me: Cleaning our toilets.

Kid's Dad: Ooooo... that sounds rough, dude.

Kid: No. You're lying.

Me: What? I am not.

Kid: Yes you are.

And then we just stared at each other for a few moments until I turned my attention back to his dad.

Me: So anyway, you should totally read Ready, Player, One because it's amazing.

Dad: Awesome, thank you!

I would like it to be noted, though, that the kid did stop hitting his dad, so.... I'm kind of a hero - even if I didn't stay within the lines of morality to do it. I'm basically Batman.

 

via GIPHY

I went to the gym and YES I AM OKAY.

Okay so last week I posted this on Instagram:  

Dear God, what has happened to me? #IHaveNoIdeaWhatImDoing #gym #workout

A post shared by Emelie Samuelson (@awkwardlyaliveblog) on

And I'm not going to lie, a number of concerned comments was... telling.

Everyone was all "WHY? ARE YOU OKAY? HAVE YOU BEEN BODY-SNATCHED? WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHO ARE YOU?"

Which, okay, fair enough, I'm not exactly the type of person who "works out" or is "physically fit," so maybe these comments were justified, but the sheer number of them was, like, breath-taking! Or maybe that was the cardio? I'm not sure.

Either way, The Mr and I have willingly joined a gym and tonight I had my introductory body assessment and personal training session. I went in expecting to embarrass myself, and if you must know, I delivered.

The body assessment was interesting. I'm shorter than I thought I was, which either means I'm shrinking or I've been lied to. I also learned that my legs are jacked, but my arms are disturbingly weak. This was demonstrated when my trainer had me go from a plank position on my hands down to my forearms and then back up again. I imagine it was like watching a baby giraffe try and get up for the first time, but with less success.

Before we started working out, though, my trainer asked me a few questions:

Her: Okay, so I just want to have a quick chat before we get started. What is your experience with being in a gym?

Me: Basically zero. I was in marching band and I read a lot.... but I'm enthusiastic and totally not afraid to look like an idiot!

Her: Awesome! I can work with that! So, what are your goals here?

Me: To still be able to move when I'm 85, like Dick Van Dyke, but also I'd like to become a superhero, like Wonder Woman.

Her: ....Alright. Whatever it takes to keep you motivated, I guess.

Me: I suppose the Wonder Woman one is self-explanitory, but have you seen Dick Van Dyke lately? He can still do a good chunk of that physical comedy he is so well known for, and in an interview, someone was all "How do you still do it?" and he was all "I've just always worked out since I was in my twenties." I admire that.

Her: That actually makes sense.

Me: Sorry. I'm a bit of a dork.

It was then that I remembered I was wearing a tank top that read "My name isn't Luna, but I can Love Good," so this statement was probably unnecessary.

In the end, I think she liked me, and I actually kind of know what I'm doing now. I learned that I'm good at squatting, but also that the way that I sometimes stand with my toes turned inward is bad for my hips, so... I can squat, but I can't stand? I'm a positive person, though, so I chose to focus on the successful squatting, which led me to shout "I CAN SQUAT!" at The Mr when he and his trainer walked into the room. People stared at me. The Mr gave me a high five. He's nice.

And I actually taught her something too! She had no idea that there were games on the rowing machine, which there totally are. You can chase fish on the screen and everything. Honestly, what did she think that machine was for?

 


In other news, the very first episode of Sunday Supdates happened last night and it was AWESOME!!! I only set off the fire alarm once!

I mention in the video that all episodes after this will only be open to my Patreon supporters (and then broadcast afterward publicly), but I think I'm going to do a public episode one Sunday a month. Anyway, here is the first episode. Enjoy (and then go sign up to be an Awkward Ambassador on Patreon!)

 


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Holy Crap This Thing is Awesome #1: Habitica

So I've been thinking about doing a blog post once a month to feature something that I'm really into at the moment. This could be a product or a blog or an app. Whatever. I don't want to be paid for these or given free stuff for them (I mean, free stuff is great, but just because I get it doesn't mean I'll write about it), I just want to find stuff that I'm super into and tell the world about that stuff because that's what you do when you like something: You share it. If you don't care at all or don't want to know about this or hate these types of blog posts, please let me know. This blog is not about to become some marketing place. I'm honestly just trying to spread the word about things that I love. I've already done one of these about Litsy, in fact, but that was before I really had this whole "regularly scheduled" idea. Aside from these monthly posts, I'll still be doing my regular weird and embarrassing stories. I would, of course, love your input and comments about what you're into right now too! Let's talk more to each other and share ideas and fun stuff!

I'm going to call this series the "Holy Crap This Thing is Awesome and I Want People To Know How Awesome It Is" Series. Or maybe it needs a shorter title. Story of my life. Maybe just "Holy Crap This Thing Is Awesome." Is that better? Tell me in the comments.

Anyway... on to the thing!

Habitica

habitica Habitica is a to-do list app/website that I am in love with because it is for people like me: nerds who want everything to be fun.

I am a fan of fun. Laundry is not fun. Cleaning the toilet is not fun. But when you are a level 7 warrior who earns points for cleaning the toilet so that you can level up and battle monsters via doing laundry and washing dishes, you become a toilet cleaning MACHINE. This app has motivated me like nothing else before.

I am a big fan of rewards for getting stuff done. I often tell myself that I'm not allowed to read or watch tv or play videogames until I've done something productive that I'm not in the mood to do. This app kind of takes care of that. Now, instead of saying "Emelie, clean the bathroom and then you're allowed to watch an episode of Jane the Virgin (OH MY GOD THAT SHOW)," I can say "Emelie, accomplish enough stuff on your to-do list to level up and feed your zombie wolf and then you can watch Jane the Virgin."

It. Is. Wonderful.

Also, these graphics! Oh my gosh, they're so great! They bring me back to the 8-bit days of yore and I love them.

Oh! And you can team up with your friends and build a party and go on quests to battle monsters and conquer the lands of productivity! It's amazing! So then you're also holding your friends accountable and they're holding you accountable and you're all adulting in a way that you can't even handle because no one told you it would be this fun.

Habitica, you've revolutionized my life. I love you. Thank you for making cleaning the toilet fun.

So, what are you super into right now? What thing do you think is awesome? Talk about it in the comments!

Get ready. This is a Nerd Style Giveaway.

So, it's no secret that I'm a bit of a nerd. My staircase is decorated like a game of Space Invaders and I have Undesirable #1 Wanted posters from Harry Potter hanging up in my living room. My books are stacked everywhere and my TARDIS blanket keeps me warm during my Netflix marathons. And I wear this nerdiness with extreme pride. I don't leave it at home for people to discover, should they ever come over. In fact, I take it to the work place. I usually walk around with my TARDIS to-go coffee mug and sporting my Gryffindor scarf in the cold weather. (When I was a kid, I wore The One Ring on a chain around my neck because I obviously was just passing through class on my way to Mordor.) All the while, though, I try and keep my nerdiness trendy and stylish so that if you didn't know what the reference was, it wouldn't be distracting or take away from the professionalism that I also need to maintain in the workplace.

This is why I was really excited when I was approached by JordanDene to do a review and giveaway. This shop creates some of the most gorgeous items to wear that will keep you feeling both stylish and like a true fan throughout your day. They're shirts that you can dress up or down. For example, this is how I wore my Harry Potter shirt to work the other day:

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This shirt is absolutely amazing. The fabric is so soft, and yes, I've washed it a few times now, and it has maintained its shape and feel. I love how it fits because it doesn't make me feel like I'm showcasing my body, but it also doesn't make me feel like I'm hiding anything either, which is the perfect balance, in my humble opinion. Even my super trendy, never nerdy sister approved of this outfit and she basically looks like she's always walking out of a Calvin Klein ad, so... woohoo!

Anyway, enough of my yammering because here is where the fun begins! I GET TO GIVE ONE OF YOU LUCKY FOLKS A FREE SHIRT OF YOUR CHOOSING FROM THE JORDANDENE STORE! (See, this is why it's important that you stick with me).

Normally when I see these giveaways, the giver is asking for you to follow them on every single social media platform in existence. I'm not going to do that because I believe that if you're following me, it's because you want to be, and not because I teased you with free merch.

SO, instead of that, I'm going to ask you to have some fun with this. Send me a photo that shows how you let your Nerd flag fly in the workplace. You can do this using any ONE of your preferred social media platforms (ONLY ONE ENTRY PER PERSON). Just tag me (links to my profiles are at the top of the right sidebar) and use the hashtag #NerdyWorkPlace and I'll pick my favorite to WIN A FREE SHIRT FROM JORDANDENE. If you enter at all, you will get a discount code to use at the Jordan Dene shop, too, so there's really no downside to this.

This is especially fantastic if you have to do any holiday shopping for your friends who are also nerds. Just saying.

This contest ends at 11:59PM EST on December 15th, 2014.

So Many Things!

Oh my gosh, you guys, this week has been the crayest of crays. .......please excuse me while I go and punch myself in the throat.....

Okay, but really, I'm overwhelmed by the awesomeness that has been occurring this week.

Thursday was my birthday and for the first time in two years, there is not a popular song to describe my age. (Side note: T-SWIFT, ARE YOU FEELING 24 YET??? BLINK-182...you guys are way past that now.) I don't know what I'm supposed to think about that, but it seems like something I should acknowledge. So... points to anyone who writes me a song about being 24. More points to anyone who records it and sends it to me.

I had a great time celebrating my birthday (weirdly, though, not a single photo was taken, so now I'm thinking I might have dreamed it and just bought all these gifts for myself...) and I couldn't have asked for a better way to grow up. My bestbian "John Hamm" and her boyfriend "Snape" drove out from Boston to celebrate with me and then we went out with all my Connecticut friends to dinner where I had the largest helping of Mac and Cheese ever. It was fabulous. We also had great conversation, but that's whatever.

OH WAIT.

The fact that I was also featured on BOOK STORAGE ONLINE was pretty amazing. The post went live on my birthday, but don't worry, it's still ripe! So PLEASE go check that out and help me show them that I'm a writer worth keeping around!! Thanks!!

SO THEN...

Saturday came and I went out to NYC to celebrate my birthday with my family. This was probably the most fantastical thing ever. Let me explain:

I am the family nerd. None of them are into Doctor Who or Harry Potter... except for my sister-in-law who is one of the greatest people ever. The point is that even though it was my birthday celebration, I was not going to make my family watch the premiere of the new Doctor Who season. I'm not that selfish.

But oh my gosh, you guys, they surprised me AND TOOK ME TO A DOCTOR WHO THEMED BAR, YOU GUYS.

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So yeah. That was my birthday week. Now please excuse me while I go and binge-watch Doctor Who.

How are all of you?

Window? Squirrel Parkour Course? I've Heard It Both Ways.

So, my best friend, who has decided to go by the pseudonym "John Hamm" on this blog (so as to avoid any Internet association with me) texted me this video just now:

Me: Oh my gosh. So cute.

JH: He's growling at me now!

Me: Haha! I love him.

JH: I think I'm gonna turn on the air conditioner and show him what's up.

Me: No! That's so mean!!

JH: I think he tried to attack me through the window... It was kind of adorable, but totally fruitless.

Me: Awww. What a cutie! Name?

JH: Haven't thought of one... But "Snape"* talks to the squirrels like they're outdoor kitty cats, so maybe I should pick one.

Me: I think so... Neville? Or Seamus? Seamus was pretty squirrelly.... and he always caught on fire.

JH: Maybe Gerald. But I think I name everything Gerald.

Me: Ha. Gerald...

JH: Maybe Starbuck. Because it started of cute and then it got really annoying...

Me: YES.

 

*"Snape" is "John Hamm's" boyfriend. He really does look and sort of talk like Snape. It's uncanny and a little disturbing.

Apparently I Can Eat A Lot... Including the Dead.

So... I'm a nerd. WHAAAAAT? I know. Shocking, what with all the times that I've told  you to watch Battlestar Galactica and Doctor Who... or made you vote on which Harry Potter phone case I should buy... you never saw this whole nerd thing coming.

But it's true, duckies. Underneath my super trendy exterior... I'm a nerd.

Which is why it's weird that I went to a baseball game yesterday with my other nerd friends.

We found it best to just think of it like a giant board game. It helped.

Okay, so let me explain how we even found ourselves here:

My one friend is moving away this week, and as a going away gift, someone in his office game him four tickets to the game. They weren't just four tickets, though. They were club seats.

So, I knew that this was nice, but I didn't totally grasp how awesome it was until I was getting my wristband from a security guard as she said "Everything except the alcohol is free. Enjoy the game!"

Yeah, that's right, fellow nerds, FREE FOOD AND DRINKS ALL AROUND. We immediately devised a plan: To collectively eat at least $250 worth of food, which in a stadium should not be that difficult, let's be honest.

This is basically how my day went: Nachos. Baseball. Pretzel. Baseball. Pizza. Baseball. Snowcones. Baseball. Peanuts! Baseball. Ice Cream. Baseball. More nachos. More baseball. Rinse and repeat.

It was glorious.

And then we went out for dinner.

Which is why I'm a champion. A very nerdy champion.

After all that, we went home and played actual nerdy board games to reground ourselves. This was especially awesome, because in this particular game I was a Cyber Bunny who earned the title of  the "Even Bigger Canabalistic Urbavore Eater of the Dead," which in my opinion is way cooler than "Pitcher."

Just saying.

Also, go buy and play King of Tokyo. Right now. It's like Yatzee, but with monsters. In Tokyo.

 

Did I Not Mention That I'm a Total Nerd?

What? My love of Harry Potter and Battlestar Galactica didn't give me away? I know, I know, I keep my weird nerdiness so well hidden, what with all of my suave sex appeal and sophisticated musings that you all come here for, but I must finally let you all in on the truth: I'm kind of a nerd.

Don't worry, it's not like I went to see The Hobbit last night at midnight with a group of friends, all of us in costume or anything.

Oh wait. That's exactly what happened... Well, to be fair, John Hamm and Dragon did not dress up in costumes, but Jane, her sister, and I totally did.

Jane and her sister definitely won the costume contest, which I'm pissed that I'm lacking photos of. They didn't start getting dressed until we needed to leave, so we basically just had to shoot out the door, drive mega fast, get tickets ripped at the check-in, and then find seats. Pictures did not happen as they should have and I am unhappy.

I do, however, have these amazing gems that John Hamm managed to snap of me while we were waiting for Jane and her sister to be ready:

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In the end, I opted out of wearing either beard because I kept choking on the fake hair and it was grossing me out, but I did get to wear Jane's homemade awesome cloak. Not like some costume bullshit that you buy at a halloween shop - this thing was legit. Like 10-foot-diameter legit. I felt awesome. Until I had to squeeze past people in the theater to sit down. Then I felt stuck on their shoes.

So yeah. Now I'm mega-tired, but it was so worth it. My butt went totally numb from sitting in those seats for that long, but I never complained once, especially since Jane's cloak was enveloping me like a cocoon and I was warm and snuggly during the whole movie.

Now I have to go load my body up with caffeine before going to work for 12 hours! Thank goodness I started a thing at the bookshop known as "Free Coffee Friday" - otherwise, I would probably end up fired today. Or in jail. It's a slippery slope.

Happy Friday, everyone!

 

 

That's When I Decided That My Friends Are Scary Sometimes, but In That Funny Way.

My dear friend, Apollo, drives a car that might as well have come out of a cereal box. He's driven this car since we were in high school, and I remember that when we were 16 and he first got it, I asked him if Special K would replace the door if it ever fell off. He's never been that amused by my jokes.

Anyway, the crappy car is part of the reason that he is not driving from his new home in Virginia back to our hometown in Ohio for Thanksgiving. This was the conversation that he and my best friend John Hamm had, which she later shared with me:

John Hamm: So, I'm guessing you're working [over Thanksgiving weekend]?

Apollo: No. My parents are coming here. They think the pilgrims landed here and want to do an "authentic" Thanksgiving. That was totally Massachusetts.

John Hamm: Hahahaha - there is so much wrong with that I don't even know where to start. You should combat drive up on Friday!

Apollo: I would, but I can't! I'm getting a new car that day!

John Hamm: Nice! What kind?

Apollo: Hopefully a Volkswagen. Depends on what deal I can get.

John Hamm: Whoa. Slow down, adrenaline junkie.

Apollo: Dude, I need fuel economy.

John Hamm: Haha, I know. I'm just glad I don't have to worry about you getting carried off by a strong gust of wind anymore.

Apollo: Yeah, holy crap anything is going to be better.

John Hamm: These are exciting times we live in. You're getting a new car, I'm getting new hair.. everyone is winning!

Apollo: What type of hair?

John Hamm: Indian girl hair. I've decided to shave my head and start exclusively wearing wigs.

Apollo: That's cool. I see that fitting well!

John Hamm: Yeah. I'll get some normal ones and some Ramona Flowers ones. Switch it up every couple of days.

Apollo: Friggin' awesome!

John Hamm: This will also be useful with all the crimes I'm planning on committing. Harder to identify.

Apollo: Burn your fingerprints off, too.

John Hamm: Like in Men in Black, exactly - way ahead of you.

 

I have weird friends, but now I also understand that Apollo's real reason for not coming home is that the chances of him getting arrested increase as the distance between him and us gets smaller...

 

 

Anyway, I'm glad Apollo is getting a new car. It's well overdue. Maybe it can be John Hamm's getaway car...