Texting and the art of The Woo

Last night, I received this text from my friend, who for privacy reasons we will call "Sara": The guy I went out with CALLED and LEFT A MESSAGE to ask me out for a second date. Why has this never happened before?

And my immediate response was something along the lines of "Yes. I am also shocked by this gesture and I wholeheartedly approve of his effortful actions." (Sidenote: I just accidentally found out that "effortful" is a word.) and then I was so quickly overcome by the thought "WAIT THIS SHOULD NOT BE A SHOCKING THING" that I was prompted to text her that exact statement around 4am her time because I care.

I know that living in the tiny cell phone-serviceless (not a real word, apparently, but I tried) area that I live in has only reinforced my traditional and seemingly old-fashioned ways, but I think a phone call should not be that weird, especially when it comes to the art of The Woo.

Don't get me wrong, I love texting. I'm hysterical via text and I appreciate it as a medium of communication (I'm a millennial after all), but I think that texting is something one should only really use in certain situations:

  1. With your close friends. Your best friend or other close friends know your tone. They can read your subtle sarcasms. They get you enough to know that when you text things like, "That sounds like a great idea." what you really mean is, "What the actual fuck are you thinking?" After a first date, however, a guy could text me and say "Great time! Want to meet up next week?" and when I respond with a simple "K." I really run the risk that he won't know that what I really mean is "You are super boring and my enthusiasm is the equivalent of this one letter, so no..." See? This is why one should always call.
  2. Quick messages and updates. These include messages such as "I'm running late! Be there in five minutes!" or "The dog just puked in the toilet! Today is amazing!"
  3. When updating your friend about current awkward situations: "This guy on the bus is literally trying to lick his own elbow right now." ...... "Oh God... he just looked at me and smiled." ....... "It's official. This is what I'm attracting: Elbow-licking loners on busses. It's time to reevaluate my life." ..... "Why aren't you responding to me?" ....... "UPDATE: ELBOW-LICKER HAS SWITCHED SEATS AND IS NOW NEXT TO ME. THIS MAY BE THE LAST MESSAGE I EVER SEND. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT I LOVE Y--" .......................... "Really? Nothing? Do you not even care about my safety?" And other things like that until your friend finally responds with "I knew you could get through this on your own, that's why I didn't respond. That and I was in a meeting because I have a real job, so thanks for blowing up my phone and making my boss glare at me. Also, I knew you were lying towards the end because you wouldn't have been able to text me if he really was sitting next to you, so you deserved what you got."

When it comes to The Woo, however, a text just isn't romantic, no matter how many emogis you use. There is something about being able to pick up your phone and hear a guy sound nervous or excited to ask you if you enjoyed your time with him as much as he enjoyed his time with you during that weird debate over the finale of Battlestar Galactica and whether or not Adama and Tigh should have had a parting ways scene (SERIOUSLY, THERE WAS ZERO CLOSURE THERE AND THEY WERE BESTIES). And then you can do that super cute thing where you just keep listening to the voicemail over and over again and being all "D'aww... he likes me..." Like Lorelai and Max Medina. (Yes, I did just made a BSG reference and a Gilmore Girls reference in one paragraph.)

Not to mention, you can be fairly confident that he didn't reach out to  you from the toilet or something. With a text, you just never know.

How to Do Online Dating the Wrong Way.

So today I'm on HelloGiggles.com with a piece about how NOT to do Online Dating: "Before I started online dating, I was really losing hope that I would ever find someone. As a 23 year old, it was ridiculous to feel that way, but I’d just gotten out of a relationship with a guy who I thought was The One and heartache makes you crazy. Shortly thereafter, but for unrelated reasons, I moved three states away to a small town where the median age is over twice my own. A friend of mine suggested I turn to the Internet. “Why not?” He said, “Everything’s online now; it only makes sense that our generation would do dating that way, too, right?”

He made a fair point.

So, I signed up. That white rabbit ran by, I followed, and boy did I fall down a long, strange and confusing hole..."

Read the full article here!!

I'm Just Saying, I Wouldn't Mind Meeting a Husky Wearing a Fedora.

So, I had this plan, right? I was going to meet my best friend, marry him, and live happily ever after. All of this was supposed to happen by the age of 23. See, the original plan included me bumping into some handsome guy in a college class or in my dorm hall and we'd have some awkward interaction, followed by a series of coincidental meet-ups and hang outs, which then blossomed into something we both couldn't ignore:  Love and obvious sexual chemistry. Stop laughing.

In my defense, I have a family with an uncanny success rate when it comes to love. Two of my siblings married their high school sweethearts, the third sibling met her husband in grad school and never looked back, and my parents, who are still happily married after almost 35 years, were engaged after 5 weeks of knowing each other, despite the fact that they lived on different continents.

So... my expectations were skewed as a child.

Me? I'm in my mid-twenties and I live with my dog on 100 acres of forestry. No husband. No boyfriend to speak of.

You see, Duckies, it turns out that life has this way of kicking your plans in the balls and then walking away without a second thought.

That whole best friend for a husband thing didn't exactly work out, which is fine, because I actually kind of love my life right now. That being said, I'm not exactly hoping it stays exactly as it is. I mean, I still would like to meet SOMEONE.

So, what's a girl who lives in the middle of nowhere to do?

She's gonna fall down the rabbit hole of online dating, Duckies. And she's gonna drag her bestie, "John Hamm," right down with her.

That's right: We went boy shopping. Let's be honest, folks, that's what online dating really is. I sift through profiles like their on the clearance rack at Target: "Ugly... ugly... ugly... oh this is cute... oh, no... way too small*... Nice, but not my style..."

*I'm referring to his HEIGHT. Get your head out of the gutter. 

So last night, after some wine for me and lots of coffee for John Hamm (she's studying for law school finals), we ventured deep into the Internet... and this is what we found (and then shared on Facebook for all of our friends to see... - Hi Mom!):

 

John Hamm's Facebook Status: Late night coffee and helping Emelie boy shop on the Internet. I'm super high on caffeine and judging people.

The comments:

  • MeThere are so many unfortunate people on the Internet.
  • JH: 
  • "Pixie Stick": I mean, that's how I met mine. You'd better start posting hilarious quotes asap.
  • Me: Pixie Stick - so many dead fish.
  • Me"Oooooh.. he's cute. WAIT. 5'7". HARD PASS."
  • JH: "I'm just saying, if he uses the word 'loquacious' in his profile, he's probably a tool."
  • Me: "He owns his own clothing line and has a neck tattoo. Total winner."
  • PS: ... From now on, just assume that I "like" every quote you post. 
  • PS: Oh, I think I know that neck tat/clothing guy ..... wait, maybe there's more than one of them out there. God help us.
  • Me: "This guy started out seeming nerdy and sweet... now that I'm looking at his profile in more detail, I'm realizing he might be a murderer."
  • Me: "Okay, this guy seems like a tool, but he has a Husky and it's wearing a fedora... can I use this site to meet people's dogs?"
  • JH: I just found a guy who looks like a cross between Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaghey, it's like the cast of True Detective got together and had a baby."
  • Me: "LADIESMAN646 IS LOOKING AT MY PROFILE"
  • JH: I'm thinking about creating a fake profile and just calling it "Catfish" because this site keeps cock-blocking me.
  • Me: Whaaaat? This guy's favorite book is Mansfield Park?
    JH: No. False. No man's favorite book is Mansfield Park
  • Me: He's kind of cute. I mean... I wouldn't kick him out of bed...
    JH: Mostly because that's a rude thing to do.

He-owns-his-own-clothing

And then the Internet happened.

I was skyping with my dear friend Pixie Stick last night, and she was telling me about how she went on a date with a guy she met online. Me: Wow, really? You're doing the whole internet dating thing now?

Pixie Stick: Well, Emelie... I was home and a little drunk the other night and I thought "Why not?"

Me: Interesting... which site?

She told me and I went onto the site to check out her selection, and that's when I discovered why the Internet is a wonderful and scary place... yet again. I ended up writing down mine and Pixie Stick's greatest comments while window shopping for men (the way that God intended it.) Enjoy!:

hikingecard

"Who are these people and why would he choose a picture of himself with a dead fish?"

"Oh, here's another one of a guy with a dead fish!!! Except this guy is hot."

"Oh my gawd that fish is HUGE."

""I don't think anyone can beat this 'fix-it' guy... He looks like a Norse god who wandered down from the mountains and into the pizzeria."

"See? It's cool when you do internet dating with somebody else, but it's weird when you do it alone... Like... sex."

"Oh no, another dead fish! Except it's a child!" ... "Wait....WHAT?"

"Wait!! He was kidnapped in Amsterdam by the Romanian mafia!!"

"Well.. now the internet will think I am a lesbian."

"I feel better now that I know he's the mascot and not the guy with the boner."

"His career is science!!"

"What is that, a selfie in a mall?"

This guy is in the military... oh but he's only 5'6" ... "He probably has a Napoleon complex"

"This guy is wearing a hooters shirt at the beach..."

"This is just a picture of David Beckham!" ... "Are you sure it's not actually David Beckham?"

"He looks very surprised that someone photgraphed him v-jaying on his laptop."

"Why is he covered in blood?!?"