I feel like we're doing the whole "romantic sunset" thing wrong.

A conversation I had with The Mr in the car yesterday:  Me: Oooo... pretty sunset. It's so weird to think that it's all just pollution.

The Mr: What are you talking about?

Me: The sunset. The only reason it's all colorful and pretty is because of pollution.

The Mr: No it isn't! It's just the angle of the sun causing all of those colors.

Me: Yeah. The angle of the sun reflecting light through all of the poison in our atmosphere. Did you really not know this? You love science! And the environment!

The Mr: Are you serious? This whole time I've been admiring sunsets and they're really just all made up of poison?

Me: Yes!

The Mr: Well... that's terrible! Now I can't enjoy a sunset anymore!

Me: Why not? It's still pretty! Think of it this way: there's an upside to everything. Even pollution.

The Mr: No. No! That's like saying "Hey, come look at this gorgeous painting, isn't it amazing?" and then finding out that all the paint is just blood splatters from a gruesome murder.

Me: Well... when you put it that way.

We drove in silence for a minute.

Me: You know, the color of the sky kind of looks like a big wash of blood now that you're saying it. Huh. I still think it's pretty.

The Mr: You've ruined everything for me now.

Later on, The Mr did some research and it turns out that I'm not totally right about this fun fact, but I'm also not totally wrong either? I don't know, he started talking all sciencey to me and I zoned out a bit if I'm being honest.

Just goes to show that you can't trust everyone you meet who says they know science.


 

Last night's #SundaySupdates episode was live to all! You can watch it right here and then go sign up to be an Awkward Ambassador to tune in every week!


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Not a real post, but a great reminder!

Hi friends! This isn't a real blog post, but it's just a friendly reminder that the public #SundaySupdates episode for the month is tonight at 8pmEST on the youtube channel! Come and watch me try to cook while also trying to answer your questions - all live! Who knows how many body parts I'll still have by the end!

I do this show every Sunday for the patreon supporters, but the last Sunday of every month, it's open to all! If you're interested in joining in the fun every week, head on over to the patreon page to become an Awkward Ambassador today!

It's a really good time :)

 

The Titanic Was a Thing and A Movie Theater Is a Place.

I wasn't going to do NaNoWriMo this year. I had a long list of perfectly good reasons not to do NaNoWriMo this year:

  • Writing/editing 1 essay a week for submissions
  • Editing two novels
  • Updating this blog twice a week
  • Keeping up with the Patreon Page
  • Working full time
  • Running a Youth Group twice a month (which requires way more planning and organization than one would think!)
  • Running a weekly teen writing workshop
  • OH and maybe some personal time to spend with The Mr, our dogs, our friends and maybe sleeping sometimes too?

See? Those are all really good reasons not to do NaNoWriMo.

And I was also feeling really comfortable with this decision. I wished all my friends who had decided to dive in good luck and told them that I was cheering them on.

But I had one friend who decided to email me. On November 1st:

Subject: NaNoWriMo

Body: I'll race you to the 50k :)

And I responded with my whole "Oh, I'm not doing NaNo this year because <see reasons above>, but good luck!"

And he was all "Hey, we all have shit to do. Here's my laundry list of reasons why I shouldn't be writing a novel this month either." And then he essentially was like "do it anyway." I'm totally paraphrasing here, but that's basically what he said.

And I was all "Even if I could, I don't have an idea! I don't even have a character in mind that I could just start following around in my brain!"

But then I talked to another friend - a friend you only talk to when you want to be talked into writing - and she gave me a pretty great idea...

So suddenly I had an idea... and a laundry list of reasons still not to write the book... that I decided to ignore. Not ignore, exactly because I'm still doing all of those things... I just decided to add to it? So now here I am, waking up every day at 5am to put words onto the vomit draft of a new novel. And one of the best things is that I've got this weird husband who was all "Alright. Let's do this." instead of being all "EMELIE WHY?" For example:

So as of this blog post on November 3rd I am 2,201 words into a strange novel. And I can't wait to see where it's headed.

Are you doing NaNoWriMo this year? Buddy me so that we can support each other.


And now, for some business:

 

I’ll be performing at this open mic night on Saturday Night (November 4th) with some really amazing people. All proceeds go to the Loaves and Fishes Soup Kitchen in New Milford, CT. If you’re able to make it, please do! I’m reading one of my most awkward pieces I’ve ever written, and everyone else will be reading really incredible stuff, so it should be a good time for us all.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Fred Flinstone Is Missing and Now My Dog is Possessed.

The other night, we received our PupJoy box, full of goodies for the dogs, and one of the toys was this GIANT rubber squeaky bone covered in cloth that kind of looked like it was stolen from Fred Flinstone's closet?

 

Yes. The fabric looked exactly like his... dress? That's a dress, right? Fred Flinstone: Man of Confidence. Wait... was Fred Flinstone poached to make my dog's toy?!?! WHAT ABOUT BAM-BAM?!?!

I can't think about this right now. THIS WAS NOT THE POINT OF THIS STORY WHEN I STARTED.

Let's focus, people.

So my dogs got this giant, rubber, squeaky toy and Aloy was in love with it right away. So she was all "IMMA SQUEAK THIS THING SO MUCH." And then she did for like 45 minutes before she got distracted and then Gio was like "I shall skin it."

 

And so he did that and then when Aloy came back she was all "WAIT, MY TOY HAS CHANGED THERE IS A NEW PART THAT I DIDN'T SEE BEFORE."

And then she proceeded to INGEST HALF OF THE RUBBER BONE WITHIN THE FLINSTONE SKIN.

Of course, The Mr and I didn't notice that she was actually EATING the rubber until half of it was gone and we were like "Well, crap. Now what?"

And basically the only answer to that is to just... wait it out.

 

So fast-forward to 4am. I woke up to what I thought was The Mr screaming. And so I said "What's wrong, why are you screaming?" and he was like "I'm not. THAT WAS ALOY."

Our dog SCREAMED LIKE A HUMAN. And not like a blood-curtling shriek. She just screamed like "AHH"

 

It was like she was possessed by some weird Rubber Ghost.

But then she puked up a bunch of rubber and everything was fine.

 

Okay, now let's get back to the important thing. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME ANY OF US SAW THE FLINSTONES ALIVE?


And now, for some business:

 

I'll be performing at this open mic night on Saturday Night with some really amazing people. All proceeds go to the Loaves and Fishes Soup Kitchen in New Milford, CT. If you're able to make it, please do! I'm reading one of my most awkward pieces I've ever written, and everyone else will be reading really incredible stuff, so it should be a good time for us all.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.


Last night was the October Public #SundaySupdates. "What is #SundaySupdates?" #SundaySupdates is a show on which I answer your questions while preparing supper on a Sunday. On the last Sunday of every month, #SundaySupdates is public! Yay! All other episodes will only be available to the Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. To become an Awkward Ambassador, click here: https://www.patreon.com/awkwardlyalive

Check out last night's episode here and then go sign up on Patreon to join in the fun every week! It only almost always starts and ends in disaster.

 

I’m not even allowed to think about watching Mindhunter.

Last night I took Gio out to go to the bathroom, but it was really dark and I got scared, so I only let him pee, which makes me a terrible dog owner, but in my defense I took him inside so that I could tell The Mr that he had to take Gio outside again to poop because I was pretty sure there was a murderer hiding behind the tree in our yard and I knew that if I stayed out there any longer he would sneak up on me and stab me, you know right in the base of my spinal column or something? That way I'd be paralyzed and unable to move or say anything and The Mr would never know. So I ran inside.

The Mr basically just looked at me like this when I explained everything:

via GIPHY

Which is justified.

It should be noted that what spurred all of this on was Kate McKinnon's SNL IT sketch in which she was Kellyanne Conway/Pennywise/Kellywise. This was a comedy sketch. I had nightmares.

 

via GIPHY

I mean... I also laughed. But mainly because I was terrified.


And now for some business:

  • I'll be volunteering at the Gilmore Girls Fan Fest today and on Sunday in Kent, CT! Come say hi! I'll be the one in a volunteer shirt who looks like me. The Mr will be there on Saturday. If any of you are there and you see him, take pictures and tag me. It'll be like a fun scavenger hunt!
  • The giveaway is still open (because am I really not popular enough for even 10 of you to want some free books and patreon perks? Maybe that means you'd be ahead of the trend by becoming an Awkward Ambassador so early... Think about it.)

This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

It's GIVEAWAY TIME!

Hi friends! First of all, a massive thank you to all of you for your lovely comments, emails, tweets, texts, hugs, etc. after my blog post on Friday. I can't say that I'm totally out of my rut yet, but your encouragement has helped me more than you can possibly imagine. I love you all so much.

And because I love you all so much, I wanted to do something fun.

So... I have a box of books. Books that I helped write, along with some really amazing writers that I know, and I want to send one to you.

Here's how this is going to work: The first ten people to go sign up to be an Awkward Ambassador on Patreon will receive an autographed copy of This One Has No Name. I don't care which tier you sign up for: $1 or $20 or anywhere in between. If you sign up, you're getting a book PLUS all the awesome perks you get on Patreon for being an Awkward Ambassador anyway!

Sound like fun? Great! Now GO AND BE AWKWARD, MY MINIONS! GO!!!!

P.S. My dogs are GREAT models.

via GIPHY


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

So... THIS HAPPENED. 

....WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!

In equally unsettling news, #SundaySupdates, a live Q&A I do WHILST COOKING, is live and public this Sunday at 8pm! Most Sundays it's just for the Patreon people, but the last Sunday of every month, I open it up to ALL OF YOU! Can't make it? Post a question in the comments and I'll answer it during the livestream!

Unless I black out and murder myself by then.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Just... keep me out of the kitchen.

So last night, The Mr and I were discussing our plan of attack for the evening. The dogs needed to go out, our thank you cards needed to be written from the wedding, dinner needed to be made and dishes needed to be done. The first step was easy: Take the dogs out. Done.

Then things got complicated. Neither one of us wanted to tackle the thank you cards alone and we were both hungry, but also... dishes.

So The Mr gave me two options: I could do dishes while he cooked or he could do dishes while I cooked.

We all know that I'm not a good cook at this point, but I really hate doing dishes, and The Mr really hates watching me do the dishes because he has "a system" for things and I prefer to function with... an air of spontaneity, simply just grabbing whatever dishes are closest and washing them, not at all thinking about what to wash first so that it can be used sooner or how to maximize the amount of space there is on the drying rack. Apparently this is irritating. I think it shows that I can handle whatever comes my way, but this isn't the point of the story.

I grabbed the recipe and set to work on making two personal quiches with a side salad.

Now, it should be noted that nothing actually went wrong during the cooking process, which I think is something that deserves attention. I did not cut myself with the knife (and I had to chop and dice many things!), the fire alarm never went off, I didn't add sugar instead of salt or anything! It was going just fine.

So remember that.

It wasn't until the quiches were out of the oven that things went downhill. Literally.

When they came out of the oven, they were obviously very hot, which I knew and yes I used oven mitts to take them out of the oven and set them on the counter to cool, so STOP MAKING ASSUMPTIONS. I'm usually very good about using my oven mitts because, as some of you may have noticed during Sunday Supdates, my oven mitts look like bear paws and they're amazing. PLUS, I can say that I took stuff out of the oven with my bear hands and it's hilarious while also making me sound like a badass.

So I using my bear hands, I removed the quiches from the oven and placed them on the counter and started making the salad, assuming they would be cold enough to handle by the time I was done.

They were not.

And here is where my logic falls apart. You see, I'm usually really good about using my oven mitts, but I was really hungry by this point and I just needed to transfer the quiches to their plates, which weren't that far away, so I was like "Instead of putting on my big, clunky bear hands again, I'll just slide them over with a spatula. I am so smart."

I am not smart, you guys. That quiche went down. Not only did it fall, but it, of course, landed upside-down and just splattered all over the floor, at which point I yelled "NOOOOOOOOOO" with great defiance at the universe.

The Mr: Why wouldn't you use a pot holder??

Me: Because I had the spatula!

The Mr: Yeah, but that spatula is way too small for the -- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

What I was doing, good sir, is proving that I could do this. Yeah. I went for it with the second quiche, because I "never learn" according to some people, but you know what, dear readers? That second quiche successfully made it to its intended plate. Because I WILL NOT BE BEATEN BY A SPATULA.

Wait. That sounded weird, right? Obviously I was being figurative here - actually, no, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm being literal here too. I do not want to be beaten by anything.

We've reached a strange space in my brain...

Anyway, I think we've all learned a very valuable lesson here and that lesson is that perseverance is key. And also that maybe I should really just let The Mr handle all kitchen things from now on? But then what would happen to Sunday Supdates?


Hey! Speaking of Sunday Supdates... This Sunday is episode 2 of Sunday Supdates, but it's only for those who sponsor me on Patreon, so if you want to participate in a fun, live Q&A with me while I cook dinner (which based on the above story, will be very entertaining), head over to the Patreon page now and sign yourself up! You can do this for as little as a dollar and in doing so, you help me continue making this stuff without needing to get advertisers or do paid content. Essentially, you help me create the things that you like that I create - and you get to chat with me, too! There's all sorts of fun perks involved, so what are you waiting for? Join me and all of the Awkward Ambassadors!

I went to the gym and YES I AM OKAY.

Okay so last week I posted this on Instagram:  

Dear God, what has happened to me? #IHaveNoIdeaWhatImDoing #gym #workout

A post shared by Emelie Samuelson (@awkwardlyaliveblog) on

And I'm not going to lie, a number of concerned comments was... telling.

Everyone was all "WHY? ARE YOU OKAY? HAVE YOU BEEN BODY-SNATCHED? WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHO ARE YOU?"

Which, okay, fair enough, I'm not exactly the type of person who "works out" or is "physically fit," so maybe these comments were justified, but the sheer number of them was, like, breath-taking! Or maybe that was the cardio? I'm not sure.

Either way, The Mr and I have willingly joined a gym and tonight I had my introductory body assessment and personal training session. I went in expecting to embarrass myself, and if you must know, I delivered.

The body assessment was interesting. I'm shorter than I thought I was, which either means I'm shrinking or I've been lied to. I also learned that my legs are jacked, but my arms are disturbingly weak. This was demonstrated when my trainer had me go from a plank position on my hands down to my forearms and then back up again. I imagine it was like watching a baby giraffe try and get up for the first time, but with less success.

Before we started working out, though, my trainer asked me a few questions:

Her: Okay, so I just want to have a quick chat before we get started. What is your experience with being in a gym?

Me: Basically zero. I was in marching band and I read a lot.... but I'm enthusiastic and totally not afraid to look like an idiot!

Her: Awesome! I can work with that! So, what are your goals here?

Me: To still be able to move when I'm 85, like Dick Van Dyke, but also I'd like to become a superhero, like Wonder Woman.

Her: ....Alright. Whatever it takes to keep you motivated, I guess.

Me: I suppose the Wonder Woman one is self-explanitory, but have you seen Dick Van Dyke lately? He can still do a good chunk of that physical comedy he is so well known for, and in an interview, someone was all "How do you still do it?" and he was all "I've just always worked out since I was in my twenties." I admire that.

Her: That actually makes sense.

Me: Sorry. I'm a bit of a dork.

It was then that I remembered I was wearing a tank top that read "My name isn't Luna, but I can Love Good," so this statement was probably unnecessary.

In the end, I think she liked me, and I actually kind of know what I'm doing now. I learned that I'm good at squatting, but also that the way that I sometimes stand with my toes turned inward is bad for my hips, so... I can squat, but I can't stand? I'm a positive person, though, so I chose to focus on the successful squatting, which led me to shout "I CAN SQUAT!" at The Mr when he and his trainer walked into the room. People stared at me. The Mr gave me a high five. He's nice.

And I actually taught her something too! She had no idea that there were games on the rowing machine, which there totally are. You can chase fish on the screen and everything. Honestly, what did she think that machine was for?

 


In other news, the very first episode of Sunday Supdates happened last night and it was AWESOME!!! I only set off the fire alarm once!

I mention in the video that all episodes after this will only be open to my Patreon supporters (and then broadcast afterward publicly), but I think I'm going to do a public episode one Sunday a month. Anyway, here is the first episode. Enjoy (and then go sign up to be an Awkward Ambassador on Patreon!)

 


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Really just an announcement, but it involves knives and fire, so...

So I had this brilliant idea the other day about a new perk for Patreon.

Right?!?! I pitched the idea to my brother who usually hates all of my ideas, but this one involves me making a fool of myself, so he really responded positively. He was all "I mean, watching you try and cook is terrifyingly entertaining anyway, but watching you try to cook while trying to tell a story about your week would be ridiculous."

Me: I know. I could die. It'll be great.

Brother: I'd pay to watch that.

And my brother has very high standards when it comes to entertainment, so I think this is just about the best endorsement I could have.

So the first episode is going up next weekend (July 30th) and that first episode will go up right here on the blog for everyone to watch, but after that, the episodes will be available exclusively for Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon.

Oh! And keep watching the blog this week, because there are things I can't tell you about yet, but fun stuff is happening and I get to share it with you soon!!

Have a wonderful week, everyone.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here