What? It's not Friday, but HEY I'M BACK!! With NEEEEEWWWWWSSSS

Hi! Hey! Hello! I've returned from my honeymoon and I am now a wife! I have a husband! I'm a spouse! whaaaaaaat. Go check out the Instagram for photos and stuff.

I know. It's crazy and ridiculous and we're all concerned, but at the same time it's wonderful and amazing and everyone is super happy, so it's good stuff people, it's good stuff.

Speaking of the fact that I'm married now, Fiancé can no longer be called Fiancé because he isn't a Fiancé anymore, so I took to twitter and I asked for your help:

 

So it's official. Fiancé is now "The Mr," which I love and it sounds like he's a Doctor Who villain's cousin or something. I thought about going long-form and calling him "The Mister," but that made me think of those misting fans that they place in amusement park lines to keep people refreshed and happy and cool, and while The Mr does keep me refreshed and happy and cool, it just seemed like a strange version of objectification.

Before I continue, I want to give a massive thank you to all of my guest posts!! Weren't they amazing? THANK YOU all for keeping Awkwardly Alive, well... alive while I was away. You are wonderful. If you, dear readers, haven't gone and checked out my guest posters' work, please do so immediately. They are all amazing.

In other news, I've given a lot of thought to the blog and its future and I have fun news! First of all, I'm upping the frequency. I will now be posting twice a week (Mondays and Fridays), which I hope is a good thing. Second of all, if you support the blog on Patreon, your perks are about to get way better (I think?), but want your input: What perks would you prefer on Patreon? Right now, all the perks that are listed apply, plus I'm adding weekly vlog posts where I ramble at you on video exclusively for Patreon supporters, but if you have ideas that I'm not doing, I want to hear from you in the comments below. My goal is to build community and get to know each other better, and ultimately, I want to make you happy, so hit me with your suggestions!

Alright, I think that's all I have for you right now, blog followers. I love you. Thanks for handling my rambles.


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Bunnies Are Evil and They're Robbing Me Blind.

Okay, so I have to go off on a rant here. Some mother-effing critters, like bunnies or chipmunks or something else annoyingly adorable, are eating my vegetables, and I am PISSED.

Normally, I'm an extremely animal friendly person. I'm a vegetarian for many reasons, one of those being that I love animals too much to eat them.

I want to kill these jerks.

I'm growing my vegetable garden for a very specific purpose: TO EAT.

I'm broke as hell right now, and that garden is my source of food. I paid for those plants and now these free-loading Disney forest creatures are stealing my food. I bought these plants. I want to eat them.

So, anyway, I've been looking up all these different ways to keep these evil a-holes away from my garden, but everything is expensive, and I'm too poor to go buy any garden fencing, which I'm pretty sure these guys can jump over or chew through, and I don't want to buy spray stuff, because don't want to put chemicals all over my vegetables, because I don't want to eat chemical veggies, because that's gross and slightly terrifying.

So, everyone on the Internet is all "just pee on it!" which I seriously considered doing. Apparently it's that whole "marking your territory" idea. Don't ask me why I didn't apply the same logic I had about chemicals to pee, but for some reason I was in a "that's natural" mode.

So I texted Gumby at 9:30 in the morning.

Me: Will you come over and pee on my garden?

Gumby: That's the weirdest sexual innuendo I've ever heard... and good morning.

So that was a bust.

Also, ew.

So then someone else was all "Why would you want pee on your vegetables?" and I was all "Well, I figure you can wash it off" but then it dawned on me that the pee will soak into the soil, and that soil is what feeds my plants, and then I'm going to have food that is just laced with pee, and that's just unacceptable.

So... now I'm trying to figure out what the heck I can do, because these bunnies keep eating my cucumbers and my squash, which were supposed to be pretty integral parts of my meals this summer.

Someone mentioned that maybe using spicy stuff in my garden would help, like sprinkling cayenne pepper or tabasco sauce all over my garden would deter these jerks from coming back to my garden.

Does this work? Help. I really don't want to go spend money on cayenne pepper only to find out that bunnies freaking love cayenne pepper.

I also really don't want to become a bunny murderer.