Oh, you know, just a normal day in my pants. OH WAIT NO.

Okay, so I know this isn't a normal blog post day for me, but OH MY GOD YOU GUYS SOME CRAZINESS JUST ENSUED AND I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. Okay, so I was sitting with The Mr and we were having our morning coffee. I had already showered and gotten dressed and while I started telling him a story, I felt something weird in my pants - like a bite - so I instinctively reached down my pants to feel what was going on only to find that it was nothing.

The Mr: What are you doing??

Me: What?

The Mr: You just started telling me a story and then shoved your hand down your pants!

Me: Oh! Right. I thought I got bit by something, but it was probably just a phantom bite. Anyway... this article I read...

So then fast-forward a few minutes. The Mr is on the phone with his sister and I suddenly feel the weird crawly bitey feeling again on my leg, so I stand up and start taking off my pants only to find nothing - NO WAIT NOT NOTHING A FREAKING SPIDER WAS CRAWLING AROUND IN MY PANTS.

I screamed.

The Mr laughed.

I grabbed the little bastard and ran, pants around my knees, to the bathroom to flush the jerk down the toilet EXCEPT HE SOMEHOW ATTACHED SOME INVISIBLE WEB STRAND TO MY SHIRT ALL OF A SUDDEN AND HE WOULDN'T FALL. And then I started to panic because spider webs are really strong and what if he pulled me in with him and gave me a swirly like the evil bully this spider obviously was?!

That didn't happen, thank God, and eventually, I won and that guy got flushed.

And now I can still feel crawly things all over my legs and I have to go to work where it is socially unacceptable to stick my hand down my pants on a whim so basically, I'll be anxiously sweating for the rest of my day.

Then again, maybe this is how I become a superhero.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

It's official: I'm becoming my father.

My parents are lively and active people. The word 'retirement' is akin to the most offensive of curse words in their eyes, I think. Over drinks when my dad was in town, he said: "I hate that word." And I swear he was this close to spitting on the ground to show his disdain. All I know is that my parents never stop working, never stop moving, and never stop partying. My dad is in his seventies and he still travels for work all the time - not because he has to, but because he wants to.

And my mom is basically Wonder Woman. She's a very successful real estate agent, she teaches six jazzercise classes a week (the majority of them at 5:45 in the GD morning!), she has two horses that she trains and takes care of almost every day, and she cooks dinner every freaking night.

 

via GIPHY

And yet, I manage to be surprised if they don't answer the phone when I call.

Me: I think my parents find me dull.

The Mr: Why?

Me: Neither one of them is answering their phone! Do I call too often? Are they sick of me? You know, most parents would love it if their kid just called to say hi as often as I do, but they're totally ghosting me! Do they think I'm boring?

The Mr: Maybe they do.

Me: ...thanks, babe.

And then later that night, my dad called me. HE CALLED ME.

Me, too excitedly: Hi, Dad!

Dad: Hey, how are you?

Me: Great! How are you?

Dad: Well, I'm okay. Your mom is in Chicago visiting your sister and the new baby, so I'm just sitting in the parking lot of <LOCAL RESTAURANT>, trying to decide whether or not to go in and get dinner... there are a lot of cars here, so I don't know... or maybe I should call Nick and see if he wants to meet.... I don't know, we've been hanging out a lot this week since both of our wives are out of town... maybe he's sick of me.

The Mr: Did you see that apple just fall from that tree?

But maybe this is a good thing... because maybe it means that I'm also going to be a superhero who travels the world!

Or maybe this means my future just involves a closet full of leotards.

 

via GIPHY


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

The Titanic Was a Thing and A Movie Theater Is a Place.

I wasn't going to do NaNoWriMo this year. I had a long list of perfectly good reasons not to do NaNoWriMo this year:

  • Writing/editing 1 essay a week for submissions
  • Editing two novels
  • Updating this blog twice a week
  • Keeping up with the Patreon Page
  • Working full time
  • Running a Youth Group twice a month (which requires way more planning and organization than one would think!)
  • Running a weekly teen writing workshop
  • OH and maybe some personal time to spend with The Mr, our dogs, our friends and maybe sleeping sometimes too?

See? Those are all really good reasons not to do NaNoWriMo.

And I was also feeling really comfortable with this decision. I wished all my friends who had decided to dive in good luck and told them that I was cheering them on.

But I had one friend who decided to email me. On November 1st:

Subject: NaNoWriMo

Body: I'll race you to the 50k :)

And I responded with my whole "Oh, I'm not doing NaNo this year because <see reasons above>, but good luck!"

And he was all "Hey, we all have shit to do. Here's my laundry list of reasons why I shouldn't be writing a novel this month either." And then he essentially was like "do it anyway." I'm totally paraphrasing here, but that's basically what he said.

And I was all "Even if I could, I don't have an idea! I don't even have a character in mind that I could just start following around in my brain!"

But then I talked to another friend - a friend you only talk to when you want to be talked into writing - and she gave me a pretty great idea...

So suddenly I had an idea... and a laundry list of reasons still not to write the book... that I decided to ignore. Not ignore, exactly because I'm still doing all of those things... I just decided to add to it? So now here I am, waking up every day at 5am to put words onto the vomit draft of a new novel. And one of the best things is that I've got this weird husband who was all "Alright. Let's do this." instead of being all "EMELIE WHY?" For example:

So as of this blog post on November 3rd I am 2,201 words into a strange novel. And I can't wait to see where it's headed.

Are you doing NaNoWriMo this year? Buddy me so that we can support each other.


And now, for some business:

 

I’ll be performing at this open mic night on Saturday Night (November 4th) with some really amazing people. All proceeds go to the Loaves and Fishes Soup Kitchen in New Milford, CT. If you’re able to make it, please do! I’m reading one of my most awkward pieces I’ve ever written, and everyone else will be reading really incredible stuff, so it should be a good time for us all.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

I’m not even allowed to think about watching Mindhunter.

Last night I took Gio out to go to the bathroom, but it was really dark and I got scared, so I only let him pee, which makes me a terrible dog owner, but in my defense I took him inside so that I could tell The Mr that he had to take Gio outside again to poop because I was pretty sure there was a murderer hiding behind the tree in our yard and I knew that if I stayed out there any longer he would sneak up on me and stab me, you know right in the base of my spinal column or something? That way I'd be paralyzed and unable to move or say anything and The Mr would never know. So I ran inside.

The Mr basically just looked at me like this when I explained everything:

via GIPHY

Which is justified.

It should be noted that what spurred all of this on was Kate McKinnon's SNL IT sketch in which she was Kellyanne Conway/Pennywise/Kellywise. This was a comedy sketch. I had nightmares.

 

via GIPHY

I mean... I also laughed. But mainly because I was terrified.


And now for some business:

  • I'll be volunteering at the Gilmore Girls Fan Fest today and on Sunday in Kent, CT! Come say hi! I'll be the one in a volunteer shirt who looks like me. The Mr will be there on Saturday. If any of you are there and you see him, take pictures and tag me. It'll be like a fun scavenger hunt!
  • The giveaway is still open (because am I really not popular enough for even 10 of you to want some free books and patreon perks? Maybe that means you'd be ahead of the trend by becoming an Awkward Ambassador so early... Think about it.)

This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

"SCATTER!" -My Brain.

My Bestbian is on her way to visit me from Boston RIGHT NOW and I am beyond excited because I haven't seen her since my wedding day (which was sadly the day I married someone other than her. Damn you, sexuality!)

We have MUCH catching up to do, so forgive me if this post is a little frazzled. Afterall, she now has to get to know me as a married lady and not her awesome, super hot single friend.

Just kidding. I've always been a married lady - I just only got the spouse recently.

Anyway, The Mr is yelling at me without using his words right now because the house needs to be cleaned just a little bit more before Bestbian arrives. I realize that sounds confusing, but it is possible to yell without actually using any sounds from your body. Basically, he's just walking around cleaning, but he's doing it really loudly, and history has taught me that this means "PLEASE GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND HELP ME PREPARE FOR YOUR FRIEND."

Or maybe he's just really passionate about cleaning?

Anyway, I should probably go... but to make up for this very scattered blog post, I'll be doing a live Q&A on Sunday night at 8pmEST for public #SundaySupdates! You should totally join me.

Also, here's a cute picture of my puppy who is definitely not this small anymore and is definitely trying to steal a sip of my vodka tonic as I write this. YOU'RE TOO YOUNG, ALOY.


#SundaySupdates, a live Q&A I do WHILST COOKING, is live and public this Sunday at 8pm! Most Sundays it’s just for the Patreon people, but the last Sunday of every month, I open it up to ALL OF YOU! Can’t make it? Post a question in the comments or on Twitter using the hashtag #SundaySupdates and I’ll answer it during the livestream!


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FISH.

A conversation I had with The Mr as we were getting into bed: Me: Do you think fish ever get headaches?

The Mr: I'm sorry, 'do fish get headaches?'

Me: Or any animals, I suppose. Do animals get headaches?

The Mr: I've never really thought about it.

Me: It must be so terrible to have a headache as an animal. I wonder what they do about it. Because it's not a life-or-death malady, is it? It's just an annoyance, but it can be so annoying that you can't do anything else... but I feel like animals don't really have that luxury, do they? They can't be like "Not tonight, I have a headache." or "I don't feel like hunting today, my head hurts," or on the flip side when one animal sees another animal out on the hunting grounds that isn't usually there, they're not like "Hey Steve, what are you doing out here today?" and then Steve has to be all "Oh, just seeking out some herbs for Julie. She's got a massive migraine," you know?

The Mr: I don't think that's how the animal kingdom works.

Me: Yeah, but you can't tell me that we're the only species that gets headaches.

The Mr: Well... most headaches are caused by dehydration, so... yeah, I'm sure animals get headaches.

Me: Okay, BUT WHAT ABOUT FISH?? They're never dehydrated.

The Mr: Good night, honey.

via GIPHY


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

An Acetone Intervention

Okay, soo..... We all know that I can't be trusted with anything even remotely involving risk, right? I mean, this is sort of all Fiancé's fault for casually thinking that I understood the dangers here. Allow me to explain.

Fiancé and I are getting married a week from tomorrow (AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!) and we've been very DIY with this whole wedding thing. Many people have had to convince me that I cannot, in fact, do everything myself. Hiring people to do things is worth it, and while those people are correct and I am relieved that I won't be spending the morning of my wedding panicking about making flower crowns, there are still plenty of things that we are willing to do ourselves.

Things like... staining and painting the wooden signs that will be directing people toward parking and other wedding-related shenanigans.

It all seemed like a very good idea at the time and perhaps for normal, more stable and steady-handed people it still would be considered a good idea.

And let me be clear about the fact that I wasn't a complete idiot about this process. I made plenty of good decisions!

Smart choices made by me include:

  1. Doing this outside.
  2. Wearing clothes that I was prepared to ruin.
  3. Bringing beer to the space. (Fun fact: Grammarly was all "this should be Bringing beer to space" and ummm... STOP READING MY DIARY, GRAMMARLY.)
  4. Playing awesome tunes.

See? Already you're more confident in me than you thought you would be.

But let's return to one of those smart choices I mentioned: the clothes. Choice number 2. I was totally prepared to sacrifice my jean shorts and my Guns & Roses crop top. A few stain stains would only make them cooler, in my opinion. And I would like to take this opportunity to point out that Fiancé said nothing. He did not warn me, NOR DID HE TELL ME HOW AWESOME I LOOKED.

So we stained, and it was all "La, la, la, staining, staining, staining, la la la" and then we had to wait for that coat to dry, so I sat down on the blanket I brought out (great choice number 5, thank you very much) and I looked down at my legs and I was all "Oh cool!! Look, honey, I'M ALL SPECKLY!!!"

Fiancé was not entertained.

Fiancé: Holy crap, Emelie, no!!

Me: What? How do you not think this is awesome? My legs look like a dinosaur egg.

Fiancé: Babe, that's going to stain your skin.

Me: Yeah, but it's not like I'm not going to shower.

Fiancé: Emelie, I got some wood stain on my hand like ten years ago and it only just started to fade.

Me: ....No... But we're getting married next week! And then we're going on a honeymoon! I can't have dinosaur egg legs and feet for all that!

Fiancé: I agree.

Me: What do we do?!?

Fiancé then threw a wet paper towel at me and said "Start scrubbing. I'll be right back."

And then, while I got to work, he ran inside and returned shortly with a giant bowl of soapy water, a rag, a bottle of lotion, and a giant jug of acetone, which for some weird reason I didn't think to ask where he found it or why we have it, but apparently we do and I'm weirdly grateful. I picture Fiancé at the hardware store one day and seeing that and thinking "Who would ever need such a thing?" and then thinking about me and quietly sighing while he placed it in the cart because he just knew that one day I would probably do something that would require an acetone intervention (new band name?). Good call, honey.

And then Fiancé handed me a paper towel soaked in acetone and said "this is going to burn" right before he took his own acetone-soaked rag and started washing my feet as though I were Jesus and he a lowly prostitute.

And that's love, I think, especially because he managed to keep my pedicure in perfect condition, which is impressive that this stuff is the main ingredient in nail polish remover.

Oh, and yes, it burned. A lot. Hence the lotion. He's such a smart guy. The yin to my yang.

In other news, this is my final blog post before I'm married, which is nuts!! I'll be gone from the blog for the next three weeks, but I have a series of guest blog posts from AMAZING people coming at you while I'm away, so stick around and give them your love!

I love you all, friends. Keep being amazing and embrace your awkwardness. Muah!


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks from me, please click here

I expect puppies and other updates.

A conversation I had with my Bestbian/maid of honor yesterday:

So... I think I'm on the right track here, right? Are my expectations too high?

In other news, it is June now, which means that my first ever Awkward Ambassadors have just gotten their first rewards for backing me on Patreon and I had so much fun putting them together. In fact, I had so much fun that I'm thinking about upping my game and including some other stuff for Patreon backers... maybe a weekly exclusive vlog? What are your thoughts?

Even if you don't back me on Patreon, you still get to partake in some of the benefits! For example, right now I'm asking for suggestions for which charity I should donate 10% of this month's earnings toward. If you have ideas, head over to the Patreon page now and let me know!

Oh! And I have fun news for you gaming nerds: Fiancé just went nuts and bought a ridiculous amount of streaming and recording equipment so that we can Twitch stream with a little bit more professionality. Tonight. So, if you're like us and you're not going out on a Friday night, stay home and watch us try and maintain a healthy and loving relationship while playing videogames together! Watch my twitter account for more details.

Okay, I think that's all for now! Sorry this isn't so much of a real post as it is just a deluge of information, but... wedding brain? TWO WEEKS! AH!


Do you write words? I need you! Specifically, I need guest bloggers to help me out while I’m on my honeymoon. This gig does not pay in dollars, but it pays in gratitude, and hopefully some new fans for you, so if you’re interested, please email me: samuelson dot emelie at gmail dot com.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks from me, please click here

We got a new oven! ...and I'm already banned from using it.

So, Fiance and I got a new oven installed in our apartment this morning, and if you follow me on Twitter, this is not news to you, but if you don't, let me catch you up:

This was super exciting because our oven was pretty old and temperamental (in a bad way) and while I loved that it had character, that character was a bit frustrating, so getting a new (used) oven was hopefully going to drastically improve things so that I could bake even more things, and pretend to be a cheeky British person in a tent on the grounds of some castle somewhere hoping to win a cake plate. A girl can dream...

So this morning, my mood was this:

 

Everything was going according to plan. Until I got hungry and decided to make a pot of macaroni and cheese (the lunch of adults) while simultaneously attempting to bake a lemon poppyseed bread loaf. I think it was the multitasking that was really the problem. That and the fridge magnets... Allow me to explain...

You see, we have these magnets on the fridge that double as chip clips, and they are very handy at holding cute pictures of nieces, but my cookbook wasn't staying open to the right page and I desperately needing something clippy to fix that. So there it was, the clip I needed, dutifully sitting on the fridge, holding an adorable photo of Fiance's niece. I needed the clip.

So I unclipped the picture and attempted to set it on top of the fridge temporarily, but then a breeze came in through the window or maybe I didn't actually set the picture far enough away from the edge of the fridge or something, but either way, the picture fell. We don't need to start pointing fingers as to who is responsible here.

It should be noted that the fridge is right next to our new oven that I was so excited to use, and the pot of water for the mac and cheese was boiling on the burner that is closest to the fridge.

So Fiance's little niece fell from atop the fridge and down to.... well...

Luckily, she did not land in the pot of boiling water. Unluckily, she did land in a way that her arm was maybe too close to the burner.

Okay, fine, her arm was touching the burner.

Me: AH!!!

Fiancé: (from the next room) What happened?

Me: Nothing... everything is fine!

Fiancé: ...I don't believe you.

Me: Don't come in here!

Fiancé: ...why?

Me: Because I may or may not have set your niece on fire!

Fiancé: What?! HOW?!?

Me: WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ASK SO MANY QUESTIONS?!

Needless to say... I don't think I'll be asked to babysit at his sister's house for a while...

Reflections on Romance... WITH KNIVES!

I think you can tell a lot about a couple from the way they shop for stuff in their home. You learn about who is practical and who is...not. I am very concerned with things looking cute.

Fiance is very concerned with things working properly and looking nice.

This is most evident in our selection of kitchen equipment. If there are faces on it, or cute animals involved (as long as they're not the meal itself), I am totally on board. Fun colors?! Count me in! In fact, before Fiance moved in with all of his fancy, functional stuff, almost everything in my home was brightly colored and had silly faces. My spatulas look like pigs. My knives are alarmingly bright. Fiance's are all dull and silver. Well, they're actually not dull at all. His knives are frighteningly sharp, but you know what I mean. They don't make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, which I guess is a good thing if we were to be robbed. The last thing you want is for someone to break into your home and then you pull a knife out to defend yourself and the intruder is all "Aw, well that's just adorable." Then again, maybe you do. Maybe this is how we can find peace in the world. Through cute knives.

Fiance? He's all "Well, sure, the knives do all look like cartoon farm animals, but do they cut stuff?"

WHO CARES, FIANCE! LOOK AT HOW HAPPY THEY ARE! They double as knives AND PUPPETS!

And that's how I get things taken away from me and quietly escorted out of stores...

 

So yes, I think you can tell a lot about a couple from the way they shop for stuff in their home, but I think what's even more interesting is that the Fiance and I are completely inverted when it comes to our selection in romantic partners. After all, I picked the practical one, and he picked the cartoon character with googley eyes...

And we're both equally dangerous.