It's a Christmas Miracle! ...of sorts.

This morning The Mr woke me up by tossing a cardboard box onto my body. I know what you're thinking: Romance has never felt more alive.

But it was actually exciting because it was my StitchFix subscription (not an ad). A box full of cute clothes so that I can trick people into thinking I have it all together and I'm not a slob who wears the same thing every day.... although, why is that a bad thing? If I have a cool piece of clothing, why am I not hip for wearing it multiple times? Doesn't that just mean that I'm good at taking care of my clothes and responsible with my money and also kinder to the environment because I'm not buying as much stuff all the time? WHY ARE OUR SOCIAL NORMS SO WEIRD?!

Ahem. I digress.

Because while it was all "yay! Clothes!" The Mr was walking around looking all weird-like.

Me: LOOK AT HOW CUTE I AM NOW.

 

via GIPHY

The Mr: Yeah, you look great, but...

Me: ....but what?

 

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The Mr: Doesn't it strike you as odd that that box arrived... this morning?

Me: Not really, I mean, they emailed me a few days ago and were like "hey, friend, fun clothes are on their way to you, so yay!" and it seemed legit.

The Mr: Yeah, but... we went to bed at 11 last night... and the box was there this morning.

Me: Yeah... wait... I think I'm with you now.

The Mr: Yeah...

Me: So... you took the dog out before we went to bed at 11pm?

The Mr: Yeah.

Me: And there was no box on the doorstep then?

The Mr: No.

Me: And then when you got up at 7, the box was there?

The Mr: Yes.

Me: ..... SANTA DOES EXIST!!!

 

via GIPHY

The Mr:

 

via GIPHY


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Another flattering moment with my mother.

The other night, I was just sitting at home, feeling good about myself, drinking tea, and reading a book. It was perfect. I felt my phone buzz and looked down to see that my mother had texted me:

Mom: I have a very important and honorable assignment for you.

Me: Okay...

Mom: It doesn't look like your brother will be coming home for Christmas. Would you please be Santa for the kids?

Me: None of the guys want to play Santa? (It is important to note here that I have two brothers-in-law and a father who will all be home for Christmas)

Mom: I haven't asked anyone else. I just think that you'd be the best to step in :)

Me: You think I'm the best choice to play an old man?

Mom: Well, don't say it like that!

Me: Oh, I'm sorry. Gee, Mom. Stop. I'm blushing. This flattery is too much.

Mom: We are sooooo happy that you're coming home.

Me: .....

Mom: And you're the best actress in the family.

Me: Are you trying to butter me up?

Mom: Is it working?

Me: No.

So... I'm super excited about this Christmas, you guys. I'm gonna be the best Santa ever.

 

UPDATE: Neighbor boy agreed to play Santa and I was allowed to maintain some fragment of what dignity I have left. This is probably for the best seeing as how the chances of me screwing this up and revealing that I'm not the real Santa and therefore crushing my nieces' and nephew's hopes and dreams, which would only result in my banishment from the family were pretty high. I was only sort of drunk, but to be fair, so was Santa.

 

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In other news, there's a new Page Break episode. Cole and I came up with our Top 14 Books of 2014! Check it out!

Don't all Mothers Have "Unintentionally" Perverse Cookie Cutters?

So, today is a Swedish Christmas Holiday. December 13th is St. Lucia Day. In honor of this holiday, I got together with my mom to bake a bunch of Swedish Christmas cookies and saffron bread (St Lucia Buns!)  Now, as many of you may remember, my mother is anything but normal... or prude.

Which explains why she has cookie cutters of Santa that look like this:

She says it's supposed to be the trim of his coat. I say it looks like Santa shouldn't be around children. Same diff.

Yup. I literally made about 35 of those creepy little Santa freaks and I am not proud. (Okay, I kind of am proud due to the comedy gold that I was finding in it, but morally I am not proud!) So, I was also extra careful when spacing them out on the cookie sheet.

Mom: Emelie, you can put them closer together than that!

Me: Mother, we do not need these things looking any more inappropriate than the already do. I think some distance is mandatory. If I could give them each their own cookie sheet, I would.

Mom: Oh, Emelie. Stop being gross!

Me: Me?!?? I'm the one being gross??? I'm sorry, but someone was clearly not thinking in the cookie cutter factory that day. I'm just saying.

To back up my point, I sent that photo to John Hamm, Gumby, and Apollo

John Hamm: What the hell?

Gumby: I don't even know how that looks like Santa!!

Me: Welcome to life with my mother. Nothing is sacred.

I suspect that Apollo was too ashamed or embarrassed to reply. He is probably cursing me for having ruined the sanctity of Christmas or something. He is such a stickler.