No. Please tell me this isn't happening already.

A conversation I had with a customer yesterday: Her: Emelie, are you married?

Me: No.

Her: Do you have anyone?

Me: ...no.

Her: Oh... why?

Me: Why am I not married? Um... that's a complica--

Her: --You're just so tall and pretty and smart...

Me: Well... I guess I've just met a lot of really short, ugly, dumb people.

five minutes later...

Her: Maybe you should start going to that New Beginnings group at your church.

Me: ...that's a support group for divorced people...

Her: Oh... well... you never know.  I'm sure they'd let you in.

 

just turned 24. Isn't it a little early to be having this conversation?

To All You Bitter Singles Out There

Yesterday I posted a really quick post dealing with relationships and how my best friend "John Hamm" basically broke down every relationship any of us has ever had.  You should go check that out if you didn't see it yesterday. I kind of hinted at some bitterness on my end, but not bitterness about being single. I was kind of bitter towards those who are bitter about being single.

At least it seemed that way.

Allow me to explain:

I live in a teeny, tiny town in Connecticut. It's kind of in the middle of nowhere and the age demographic around here is... well... not in my bracket. I've made one really good friend ("Gwendolyn") and her roommates are pretty nice, but my romantic life right now?

Nonexistent.

There just don't seem to be guys my age around here - at least none that are single.

At least that's what I'm seeing right now. (Why is it that you only ever see couples when you're single?!?!)

The thing is that in spite of these terrible odds stacked against me, I'm still pretty optimistic about the fact that I will meet someone. Sure, right now most of my nights are spent alone at home with a glass of wine or a cup of tea, marathoning Doctor Who or Battlestar Galactica on Netflix, skyping, or reading. Occasionally I go out with my friend(s) and we grab a drink together. And some days I do things like try out snowshoeing.

And you know what? I'm actually happy with that right now (most nights - there are exceptions in which I become a sad mess, but those are short-lived), because I so wholeheartedly believe in love that I'm not that worried about finding it. It'll happen. It only takes one guy. You just need that one person to make you feel special and they are out there.

So this goes out to all of you singles today: Being alone can be tough. I know. I'm doing it right now, right along with you. And yes: some nights, I cry. Hard.  But after that's over with, I remember that I have absolutely no idea who that person is, and we might meet tomorrow, or next month, or maybe not until I'm in my thirties, but at least by that point I will have a pretty good idea of who the hell I am.

You will find someone. And that someone will have you laughing about your bitterly single self and it'll all be grand. Try settling into the comfort of that today and remember: Love. Always. Wins.

Until then, enjoy this humorous video on the subject (because, all my single ladies/dudes, let's be real: This is us.)

IKEA's Match-making Services

So I just had a couch delivered to my apartment. It's a pretty big deal, since I've never actually purchased furniture before. My furniture acquiring skills previously included "Hey! Bring your truck. I just found a mattress on the street and it's super comfortable." The economy sucks and I'm in my twenties, don't judge me.

Anyway, the couch just arrived and it looks like this:

photoImpressive, right?

I'm currently awaiting the most testosterone-filled person I know to show up and help me assemble this in exchange for beer. Call me a shitty feminist, but for those of you who know me, this is the smartest way for me to go about this. Just because I'm female doesn't mean I'm weak, but I am Emelie Samuelson, so I will find a way to screw this up and then I'll end up just sitting on a pile of IKEA cushions with no identifiable structure.

Anyway,  after the couch showed up and I thanked the delivery guys (was I supposed to tip them? I never know how to do that), I got a phone call. It was a lovely and slow-speaking robotic woman asking me if I would be willing to answer a few yes or no questions about my delivery. I've got nothing but time and I'm pretty lonely, so I said yes.

Robot: Did you receive a phone call from the delivery team to say they were on their way? Press 1 for "yes" and 2 for "no."

I pressed 1

Robot: Did the delivery team arrive within the time-frame you were told? Press 1 for "yes" and 2 for "no."

I pressed 1

Robot: Did you like the appearance of your delivery team? Press 1 for "yes" and 2 for "no."

Me: Um... What? Did I like the appearance of my delivery team? Are you asking me if I thought they were hot? I mean... not really, but they didn't scare me or anything... so.... sure?

Robot: Would you invite the delivery team back to your home? Press 1 for "yes" and 2 for "no."

Me: Excuse me?! I barely know them! I mean, sure I let them in this one time, but they had a couch! My couch, in fact! I'm not exactly ready to ask them to stay for dinner. What are you even saying, IKEA robot? Do my give off that strong of a vibe of loneliness? I did not agree to a match-making service when I asked for this couch. Was I supposed to invite these guys to stay? You know what, whatever, sure. They seemed nice. I'll just press 1. Send 'em on over.

Robot: Did the package arrive to you undamaged? Press 1 for "yes" and 2 for "no."

I pressed 1.

 

I'm not totally sure what's happening here, but I definitely don't like it.

So I walked into my bedroom last night and found this:

Obviously, I immediately took a picture and posted it on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, because frankly, I didn't want to be alone with this anymore.

So... Points to anyone who can come up with the best caption for this. Even bigger points to the person who can get me a boyfriend, because it's looking like the single life is a sad life for Emelie Samuelson.