I literally don't know who I am right now.

So, if you're new here, I got married this past June (yay!), but I have been slow on the whole name-change process because, well, time is a lie and I say yes to too many things (not counting the wedding) and stuff. This hasn't really been a big deal. 

Until now. 

I'm travelling on Monday for work and everything got booked under my married name, which at the time of booking wasn't legally my name at all, so I was all "Whoa. Okay, there's the motivation to go to the Social Security Office and the DMV and make this thing official because I have a feeling I can't just show up and be like 'Yeah, I know my I.D. says SAMUELSON, but I married The Mr and so people call me by the name that you have on the ticket. Cool? Cool.'" and then just stroll onto the plane like it's no big deal. 

Apparently security has gotten tighter over the past few years so they might have some questions. 

SO. I was like "no biggie, I'll fix this." and drove to the social security office and I was all "Hey, look at my marriage certificate! GIVE ME A NEW NAME!" and they were all "Okay, sure! We'll mail your new card to you," which I thought was weird because I was there and they were there and I feel like when choosing between handing it to me or mailing me my new Social Security Card, they were picking the less secure option. 

But who am I to judge? 

So I waited until I got the new card and then last week I went to the DMV. It was great - I didn't really have to wait long and I got to take a new picture and the lady was all "Yay for weddings! Go you!" and it was all dandy, until she handed me an 8.5x11 sheet of paper with a scanned copy of my new license on it. 

Me: I don't get the real one?

Her: We'll mail it to you. 

Me:  Oh... So I just use this very skeptical looking ID now? 

Her: Yup! 

And then she sort of gave me a "why are you still standing here?" look and because I'm weird and have very little authority in life, I crumbled into dust and blew away. 

CUT TO YESTERDAY

I still haven't received the new ID and I leave on Monday.  

And then I looked at my photocopied fake looking ID and read that THIS IS NOT VALID UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY YOUR EXPIRED OR CANCELLED ID. 

WHICH THEY KEPT. 

So I called Southwest Airlines and I was all "Okay, here's the situation..." 

And now I will be heading to the airport at 3am on Monday morning for a 5:40 flight with my temporary photocopied ID, my passport with the maiden name, a copy of BOTH OF MY SOCIAL SECURITY CARDS (one with old name and one with new name) and my marriage license and I feel like I should also throw in my last two pay stubs and a note from my mom? 

So basically, watch my Instastory on Monday, because I cannot imagine this will go smoothly. 

UPDATE!  

My ID arrived in the mail today! Which is fantastically good news, but I’m still sure I’ll manage to screw something up. I mean, my flight is at 5:40am. How on earth does anyone expect me to function properly at 5:40am? I don’t even function properly at 5:40pm... 

I'm baaaaaack!

So sorry to disappear on all of you for so long, Duckies! I've been out of the country for the past week or so for a family reunion in Sweden. (Yes. The new NBC show is actually quite accurate.) It was glorious and wonderful and all the positive words we could all think of and then when we run out of positive words that exist in all the languages, we'd have to create more in order to sum up just how much I love it in my family's homeland. However, as you all know, I have a tendency to embarrass myself.... and Sweden did not take that away. For those of you who follow me on Instagram, you've seen the photos and all that, but here's just a little taste of how the whole trip started...

Checking in at the airport...

My internal monologue: Lalala, time to go to Sweden... Oh! The check-in line is super short! Like... only 3 people! Awesome!

Check-in Dude: I can help you here, miss!

Me: Thanks!

Check-in DudeHow are you today?

Me: Super! And yourself?

Check-in Dude: Good, thank you. ...You know there's a business line right here, right?

Me: ...I did not.

My internal monologue: Am I at the wrong desk? Does this guy only take business class flyers? Emelie, that's idiotic. He waved you over here from the regular line... Oh, he's talking again.

Check-in Dude: Ha, well, now you do! Anyway, this green dot will get you through the priority security line and are you familiar with our business lounge for SAS flyers?

Me: ...no... Wait... am I in business class?

Check-in Dude: ...yes, miss.

Me: Oh. Well... isn't that a nice surprise. Tell me more about this lounge!

So... Thanks to my father and his Swedish Mafia glory, that happened... However, I don't know if he thought this through, you guys. I mean... it's me, after all. Do you really think I'm a person who can handle herself in Business Class?

Let's just say that I made sure I sat in the corner farthest away from everyone and drank my free cocktails in what I hoped was silence. I'm not sure. I might of been drunk when I got on the plane.

And then they came around with free champagne.

And then they came around with free red or white wine.

And then I spilled red wine all over my white sweater.

Like a classy adult.

A conversation with the flight attendant just after take-off:

Flight Attendant: Anything to drink?

Me: Coffee, please?

Flight Attendant: Um... anything cold to drink? We haven't brewed the coffee yet.

Me: Oh... Um... I'll just wait for the coffee, I suppose.

Dad: She'll have wine.

Me: What?

Flight Attendant: Red or White?

Dad: Red.They let me into businessclass... (2)

Me: Am I still here?

Flight Attendant: Here you are, miss!

Me: ...thank you...

45 minutes later...

Flight Attendant: Someone wanted coffee?

Me: Oh thank GOD yes.

Flight Attendant: Ha, should I just keep it coming?

Me: You can just leave the pot if you want.

Dad: You have a problem.... Oh, sir, I'll take another glass of wine.

Me: Thanks, Kettle....

 

So yeah. That was my flight TO Sweden.

And now I can never travel again because I'VE BEEN TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT CURTAIN.

 

Anyway, the rest of the trip was grand and full of family memories, as most family vacations are, and now I am back home with my dog and my neighbor's cows and happy to be back on the internet.  See you soon!

 

Because Dad Is Here.

My dad surprised me and came to visit last night, so today I am hanging out with him and making sure he doesn't scamper off and assassinate someone, as I'm sure that that's the real reason he's come to town... Anyway, because he's here, I don't exactly have time to sit down and write a real blog post, so I'm going to re-post the one where I introduced him in the first place, seeing as how many of you are new and this post is over a year old. I felt it was time for you all to reacquaint yourselves with the glory that is my father. The frightening, frightening glory... Anyway, without further ado, I bring you....

My Dad the Mafia Man

It's finally time... Meet my dad:

dadgrad

For multiple reasons, my friends and I are convinced that he is the head of the Swedish Mafia (yes, it totally could exist...). I know that when you think of mafia, you usually think of Russians, Italians, or Irishmen, but we live in Ohio's Suburbia... Swedish only makes sense. Of course, one would think that it would make more sense if we lived in Minnesota if we were leading the Swedish Mafia, but I was two when we moved to Ohio and had absolutely no say in that decision, so STOP ARGUING WITH ME.

Anyway, here is the list of reasons why we're convinced that my dad works for the totally real Swedish Mafia:

  • Whenever we ask my dad what he does for a living, this is his response:

 

  • For a really long time, he drove a black Chrysler 300...chrysler300

 

  • ...Until recently, when he decided that this would transport bodies more efficiently:lincolntruck

 

  • He goes to the "grocery store" like... 17 times a day. There's no reason to do that other than as a cover-up, people.
  • He travels A LOT and often without warning. Seriously, conversations with my mother will sometimes go like this:  Me: Where's Dad? Mom: Um... I don't know.... I think he's in Jersey... Or maybe Atlanta. Me: What? Didn't he just get home from Denmark? Mom: Yeah...
  • Whenever things seem like they'll never come together, my dad always says "Hey, don't worry. I'll take care of it." And when we ask "BUT HOW??" he just holds up his hand to silence us. Then he disappears for a few hours, and comes back with the solution. We seriously don't know what happens. Obviously, he's making some sort of a deal with some other guy to get things straightened out. I don't know who's fingers these outings cost him, but I have to find that guy and hug him... or at least give him a really nice hook.
  • He's taken to wearing a matching track suit around the house.
  • All deals with my dad are made over a drink. If it's a serious deal, he'll walk you through the proper procedures of how to seal the deal by taking a shot of Swedish alcohol with one hand while your other hand rests behind your back to keep you from reaching your weapon.
  • Oh, and let's not forget the booming Swedish accent...
  • ...or the 6'6" height and build.

When asking my dad if I could write about him in this way, this was the conversation we had via text:

Me: May I please write a blog post about you being in the mafia? ;) I'll be clear about the fact that it's "not true" so that you don't get targeted. :)

Dad: What mafia?

Me: Exactly ;)

Dad: :)

Awkwardly Awesome People to Be Aware Of #01: Between the Peaks

Okay, so when I was three and my family moved to Suburbia in Ohio, I met my very first friend ever and next-door neighbor, Ethan. Back in those days, many days were spent on swingsets and pretending to be Power Rangers. I was always the yellow one. Obviously. None of this is relevant to the rest of the story. My point is that I know this incredibly awesome person and I need to brag about his project, Between the Peaks, for the first installment of my new series: Awkwardly Awesome People to Be Aware Of.

Ethan, Ryan, and Jonathan organized an amazing adventure for themselves to conquer 2 of the worlds 7 summits. They started in Argentina with Mt Aconcagua (22,841 ft) and ended their journey in Alaska by reaching the summit of Denali (20,320 ft.). I know. Crazy awesome, right?

But wait! It gets even cooler!!

Over the course of six months, they went through thirteen different countries in order to make this trip complete, and in each location, these three guys spent time working with non-profit organizations doing everything from environmental preservation to working with kids in local schools. Essentially, they volunteered their way across the Americas, which is just insanely cooler than almost anything I've ever heard of.

Here's a video to explain it all a little more:

Right?!?

Ready for more awesome news? These guys got a massive amount of footage, and in 2014, their story is coming out as a documentary on Netflix. Here's the trailer:

So go check out their website to learn more and keep an eye out for the movie. I'll definitely be sharing the hell out of it when it releases.

***

Know of more awesome people that need to be shared with the world? Leave them in the comments section! In the meantime, spread the word about Between the Peaks!!

It's 8AM and I Want Airport Alcohol

So, this morning I woke up at 3:15 to get ready to go to the airport. I'm heading out to Vegas this weekend to hang out with the three girls I loved with in England. We haven't seen each other in 2 years and I could not be more excited. But more on that later. Right now I'm sitting in the Chicago Midway Airport writing this from my phone because they don't believe in free wifi here. My flight doesn't leave for another hour, so I thought I would take some time to write a post for today! Don't you feel lucky? I'm thinking about you all even when I'm sleep deprived and traveling! Pat yourselves on the back, Readers. You mean something to a crazy person.

Here are just a few things that have happened to me today:

I've had three cups of coffee before 8AM. That is about 60% of what I usually drink throughout the day so I'm a little wired.

While my plane was waiting I fly out of ohio, it - without warning - took a bath:

20130131-082540.jpg

A conversation I had with John Hamm:

Me: Is it sad if I have a beer at 8AM?

John Hamm: It's only weird if you make it weird.

And so far that has been my morning.

Don't forget to get your suggestions in for boom reviews! Today is the last day to submit books for the March 1st review! Just go to the Book Reviews page to submit! The Storm Front review will be up tomorrow!

Now, I must leave you! To Vegas I fly!!

You Know, for the Sake of the Story.

Before I get started on this post, I just wanted to remind you all to keep suggesting books for me to review! I'm almost done with Storm Front, and I cannot wait to find out what you guys make me read next!! Deadline is January 31st to get your suggestions in!

Now on to the real blog post.

Okay, so do you remember how a few days ago, Gumby sent John Hamm and I a message about how fracked up Indiana was seeming to be that day? No? You can read about it here if you've forgotten. The rest of you, come with me.

I finally got some answers.

Gumby: So when I first arrived at the hotel, this one eyed guy was going on and on about how miserable his stay was at the motel or something and how the gross people that lived there (he didn't have much room to judge: he looked semi-homeless) had shitty run-down cars in the parking lot and the cars were full of garbage and had flat tires. He was also talking about the half-naked kids of these families and how they would run around the hotel at ALL hours of the night and day. This whole time it is grossly obvious that he is trying real hard to hit on the girl working behind the desk who was straight out of Jersey Shore (hair bump and all). This picture was truly worth a thousand words. This was the same lady who was throwing judgmental looks at me as I headed to my room with a large pizza. Alone.

Now I just have more questions. Later on, however, I had this conversation:

Gumby: I'm sitting in my room trying to figure out what to do with myself. I have the room until tomorrow, but I think I'm going to head back to Ohio tonight so I can be home for a few days. Decisions are hard!

Me: Do it.

John Hamm: Wah wah wah.

           John Hamm and I are ultra-supportive people.

Gumby: I could always just hit on the desk clerk...

Me: After the stories you've told, I advise against it.

Gumby: Alternatively, you could have more stories to tell!

John Hamm: Invite her back to your room. Nothing can go wrong here.

Gumby: Herpagonasyphalaidsoreeah

Me: Yeah, please bring that shit back with you. You know, for the sake of the story.