The Saddest Game of Life Story EVER.

Okay, so I'm really sorry that I didn't post yesterday... and that I basically fell off the face of the planet all weekend, in fact. I basically slept all day yesterday because I was feeling like death after having probably sustained a concussion from swimming face first into a pool ladder at full speed. I am a champion.

Anyway, I think I'm back from the dead now, so yay!

While I was dying, however, I played an intense game of Life.

Most people play the way that the rules tell them to, but I like to add a couple other elements to the game. Because I'm a writer, I make everyone grab a piece of paper and a pen and they have to write their LIFE story while they play. I also make you close your eyes when picking your people because it's a modern world and why not? Anyway... the stories that my friends and I came up with were hilarious (there may have been wine involved) so I thought I'd share them with you.

We'll start with "Colin's". I'm warning you that it gets a little dark... like American Psycho dark...

I was born in the driver's seat of a station wagon. After a mediocre childhood, I end up in College State University. I spend most of my time studying, not living my life. I graduated and wait to find out what degree it was. My mediocre life has added a new and exciting chapter as an accountant!

I spend all of my time at work, earning a comfortable 100k every payday. Luckily, with no wife or husband or children, I can work to the top of  the A+Counting Accounting firm. I spend all of my spare time running and perfecting my body, and I end up winning a marathon easily. I live for my work and I'm becoming more lonely. I do sit-ups every morning. I'm up to 1,000!

My mother, Agatha, set me up with a boring woman, Dierdra. We got married. I just turned 18. She seems happy, but I don't care much for her. We moved to Ivor City where the kids do drungs and the fire hydrants freeze. I won the lottery and told everyone I met! People love my stories.

We recently bought a farm house because Dierdra loves the space. I detest the sun and space. At least there are no neighbors.

Unfortunately, Dierdra became with child and birthed little Esther. She is very dumb and keeps me awake. I didn't learn my lesson, though, because my wife became pregnant again. As proof that an angry god exists, it is twins.

I am now a family man and I tell everyone at work how proud I am of Chutney and Betsy. Instead of buying TV's to poison the kids' minds, we got check-ups. Unfortunately, Besty has leukemia. Not much time left. I am surprised by how often I cry in bed at night. No one at work knows of her illness.

A tree fell on my house during a storm, but life goes on. I fulfilled my civic duty and voted for Ron Paul, whoo ha cherry soday!

Life is moving quickly and I am richer than ever. I've started breaking into cars for excitement. I'm taking tennis lessons to cover it up.

I am also a talented tennis player and play with my boss from time to time. I let him win.

I stole an unpublished book out of a car and took credit for it. I just made my first million!

I also began competing in amateur regattas with my new sailboat. The kids moved to college, only the best in the world. We keep Besty's ashes in the car when we move them in. My wife made me remove the tattoo on my ass. I'm growing so tired of her non-stop talking.

I was threatened by a sad foreign man named Emelio for having collected his taxes. I used most of his money to pay for my horse's jockey. We lost by one length and I had his life ruined.

After climbing up the ladder of success, my wife suggested strongly that I retire. I am left in a cold house with my terrible wife, with 2 kids who don't care for me and never call... and an urn filled with Betsy.

When I'm down, though, I just remember my other accomplishments. In chronological order, I:

  • Cured the common cold.
  • Won the Humanitarian Award - how funny!
  • Found a new energy source.
  • Became President.
  • Ran a world-record mile.
  • Invented a new sport.
  • Painted a masterpiece.
  • Invented a new ice cream flavor.

And that, my friends, is the saddest LIFE story ever. I'm looking into therapy for Colin.

Anyway, see you tomorrow with part 2 of our Game of Life stories! The other two are way more upbeat! I promise!