Will I Be Jailed for This?

A conversation I had last night with a friend we'll call "Sara", who lives in San Francisco: Me: I'm lonely and hungry. This is terrible.

Sara: Oh nooooo. That's the worst. Go out to a bar!

Me: ...it's 11:30 on a Wednesday in Stars Hollow.

Sara: Well... not tonight then. Unless you want to get murdered.

Me: Not the ideal alternative... or the plausible one. Again: Stars Hollow.

Me: Peanut butter!

Sara: No Nutella?

Me: I don't do that shit. It scares me and I don't like the voices I hear in my head when I see it.

Sara: ...what?

Me: To be honest, I've never actually had it, but I feel like it's the Pumpkin Spiced Latte of spreads.

Sara: LMAO - yes.

Me: I'd need UGG boots and a sorority sweatshirt when I eat it and I own none of those things.